(All scenes to take place in 1’s apartment. All dialogue is half-assed british accents to accentuated the half-assed olde english.)
SCENE ONE
(Enter 1 and 2, holding a food processor)
1: I say, I am so glad that we have purchased this food processor. I henceworth name it Sir Percevick Thoroughbred, a man’s man’s kitchen utensil.
2: Oh, 2, your navigation about the kitchen is both sensitive and manly.
1: I daresay I do feel manly.
2: Yes, manly indeed.
1: Hmmm, yes.
2: Let us engage in other manly deeds.
1: Such as watch a movie about juicing?
2: Ooo so manly.
(1 and 2 watch the movie “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead”.)
2: This was marvelous! I propose that we engage in our own juicing ‘fast’.
1: That was a rather manly suggestion. I agree! Let us purchase a juicer and begin our own 5-day juicing fast!
(Enter the Juicer)
Juicer: Greetings! I am the least expensive juicer you can purchase that will also extract some modicum of juice from your fruits, vegetables, and wo, even nuts! I am Bre-Ville!
1 and 2: Bre-Ville! Huzzah!
(Enter and exit a parade of fruits and vegetables. The sweet potato remains on stage, looking ominous)
Juicer: As part of your fast, you will enjoy five juices a day plus a coconut water for a morning snack. Each juice batch will take approximately 30 minutes to prepare. You will need a ridiculous amount of vegetables in stock. For instance, you will each consume approximately 2 bags of kale each day. Your grocery bill for three days will be $200.
1 and 2: Bre-Ville!
SCENE TWO
(1 and 2 prepare a juice. The words “Day 1” flash in the background. The sweet potato stands in the background, still looking ominous)
1: To our first juice.
2: My, it is very green. I am weary of very green juices. They tend to taste like wheatgrass.
1:Pip-pip, on the three. One, two, three.
(1 and 2 drink their juices)
1: Mmmm, it tastes pretty good, mostly like apples.
2: Yes, I see many apples in our future.
1: The manliest of fruits.
2: Hmmm, yes, I agree.
1: Manly.
2: I feel fantastic, and motivated.
1: Agreed. To Bre-Ville!
(The words flash “Day 2”. 1 collapses, 2 runs briefly off stage and returns)
1: Uhg, I feel awful. No more!
2: Carry on, 1! Else we must begin again!
(1 rises)
1: Where were you in my hour of need?
2: I was in the bathroom.
1: Again?
2: Yes. My determination is strong. As are the demands on my bladder. To Bre-Ville!
1: Bre-Ville!
2: Now, we must make haste to the theatre. There is not much time for dinner.
1: Oh wo, our dignity must suffer as we indulge in “chugging our juice”. What performance could be of such importance to give us such forlorn-ance?
2: The Muppets Movie.
(1 and 2 chug two full glasses of green juice)
Juicer (offstage, I guess): Beware! Chugging juice will lead to nausea most foul!
(1 and 2 collapse)
(The words flash “Day 3”. 1 rises)
1: Amazing, I awake refreshed each morning. The juicing must work! That or the fact that we are so tired by the end of the day that we are dead asleep by 8.
2: Uhg! I feel awful.
1: Prevail, 2! We are nearly half-way to victory!
(The words flash “Day 4”. 2 rises. The sweet potato steps forward)
Sweet potato: Drink upon my juices and despair.
(1 and 2 collapse. Exit sweet potato)
(And some other stuff happened but it was all kind of a blur)
(End Scene 2)
(Scene 3)
(The words flash “Day 5”. 1 and 2 rise.)
2: The final day, let us enjoy our final juice!
1: Nay, I am sick of this filth. While the juices were delicious just one day ago, the knowledge that delicious, solid Thai food is just mere hours away makes me stare at this concoction with disgust.
2: Hold fast!
(2 picks up a suitcase and begins to exit stage)
1: Where are you off to?
2: I travel to Whistler! I maybe should have foreshadowed that or something earlier on, but oh well.
(2 exits)
1: Oh, Bre-Ville! What misery have you given us? What carnage? I see mounds of pulp, leftovers from the juicing. The volume of wasted food is atrocious! I cast ye into exile. Away, Bre-Ville!
(Enter Juicer)
Juicer: Beware, man. Your stomach has shrunken over the last five days such that you will not have space to complete a single meal! Then you will cry for my return.
(Exit Juicer)
1: (sobbing) Bre-Ville! I am still manly!
(curtain falls)
origamiaround
romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
discoholicmusic
2087
snowghoul
stormborns
