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TRIGGERED - Page 395
I think this is probably a pretty common experience for pelvic ultrasounds. I was crying and shaking, desperate for it to be over, but I never said 'stop', and so they got what they need and I was able to leave.
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TRIGGERED - Page 394
The pain I felt was immediate, probably partly because of my trauma, but mostly because my whole body was extremely tense. The technician had told me we could stop at any time, and I had said 'keep going even if I say stop, because I don't want to come back and try again' - to which she responded 'if you ask me to stop, I have to'. So I was sitting in this pain trying my absolute best to just bear it, knowing that if I stopped I would have to try to do the whole thing again.
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TRIGGERED - Page 393
Again, this technician was being as kind and understanding as possible, which made it easier, but I was still terrified.
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TRIGGERED - Page 392
The technician was so gentle and clear. She was doing her best to ensure I had as much agency as possible. I was so heightened already at this point. I'm glad I was able to be open about my past so she had all the information.
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TRIGGERED - Page 391
You have to remember that this was in 2020. I haven't drawn the masks, but we were still under a lot of restrictions, meaning for most medical procedures, support people were not allowed. I really hoped they would make an exception.
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TRIGGERED - Page 390
The trans-vaginal ultrasound - truly one of the most triggering medical procedures around for someone like me. Since the time this comic took place, I have (tragically) had quite a few of these scans, because it turns out these reproductive symptoms would be a recurring issue. It has never gotten any easier.
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TRIGGERED - Page 389
It was so amazing to me how a burst of anger - often accompanied by words I could never have expected, feelings I didn't even know were inside me - would be followed by an absolute outpouring of tears. It was like the lid being popped off a pressure cooker, and there was just so much raw emotion inside that was desperate to come spilling out. I felt so lucky to have a space where all of these feelings were not just allowed, but welcomed. I wish every survivor could have that.
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TRIGGERED - Page 388
The bond that we were building with each other as we let ourselves be seen and held, even as we spoke truth to our darkest secrets, was something so incredible. Something I didn't realise I had needed for a very long time.
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TRIGGERED - Page 387
We were all naming feelings we had never said aloud before. It was so complicated - the abuse, the relationships, the things we had done for love. We'd navigated our lives feeling so deeply messed up and broken, but in this space, we shared those feelings. It was so different to not be alone.
I'm sorry it's taken me until now to post this week's page. I've been travelling a lot for work and am only just catching up now. Next week we should be back to normal.
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TRIGGERED - Page 386
It didn't take much exposure to Left Write Hook before I wanted a bag for home - so soon I was supplementing these weekly sessions with my own rage-releases in my shed (turn up some angsty screamo from my youth and just go at the bag until I collapse in tears - very therapeutic). Meanwhile this rage was contrasted with the incredible gentleness and and love pouring out from the other people in the program. Even though it was so hard, and I was always left exhausted, every part of this was so good for me.
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TRIGGERED - Page 385
Keep in mind this was happening when I was approaching 40. I had never been 'sporty' - I had been put off exercise at a young age by the structure of physical education at my school (which largely excluded girls and punished kids who weren't naturally athletic), only starting to physically move my body as part of my severe eating disorder (which was extremely problematic and often led to fainting). In eating disorder recovery, I'd been on exercise restrictions (not allowed to get my heart rate up) well into my thirties. For all of these reasons, exercise had largely felt unsafe for me. But as I worked my way up, slowly improving both my physical strength and my cardiovascular fitness, I started noticing changes in my body that had never occurred before. I had never experience my body as anything other than weak and largely incapable. This new experience was blowing my mind.
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TRIGGERED - Page 384
I can't tell you how often I had this dream - being attacked by a man, fighting back, and just being laughed at. The dreams started when I went to my first rock concert - Placebo, a band I loved (in secret - our church didn't allow that kind of music) and whose music I had listened to for countless hours. It was also my first real concert, and let's just say I had a very emotional experience, and ended up overwhelmed (in a good way) and in tears. After the last encore, as I was trying to make room in my heart for how much I was feeling whilst simultaneously bustling along with the crowd towards the exit, a man groped me. I immediately yelled at him and punched him as hard as I could in the chest. He was so much bigger than me, and he just looked down at me and laughed before walking away. So that dynamic played out for me, over and over again, in my nightmares.
Doing this boxing program, combined with starting to lift weights and see my body change, was the first time I ever started to feel like maybe, MAYBE, that kind of thing wouldn't happen to me again. Maybe I could be strong enough for my punch to leave a mark. Or MAYBE, I could be big enough that a man would think twice about groping me in the first place.
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TRIGGERED - Page 383
This weekly ritual with these fellow survivors, whom I was beginning to deeply love, became a lifeline to me. I have had to use some creative license in capturing these workshops in order to maintain the flow of the story, but the central thread I have not changed is the emotional journey and how it felt to be in this space with these people.
I am so sorry that this is SO late. A lot has been going on. My health scare is mostly resolved and I am feeling a lot better, just very fatigued. I hope to be back on a regular posting schedule next week.
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TRIGGERED - Page 382
I think you can see from the way I spoke to my mum in this dream how far I had come with owning my history and being frank about it - even though this conversation never actually happened, in my dream I was able to be assertive but kind, advocating for the honesty I wanted to be able to have in my waking life.
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TRIGGERED - Page 381
The boxing part of this session put me in touch with feelings that were so deep I had never met them before. Donna kept telling me 'you're allowed to be angry' - but that was counter to everything I'd ever been taught. I had a lot of relearning to do.
I'm sorry this is so late this week. I have not been well, mentally and physically. More tests ahead. Thanks for understanding.
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TRIGGERED - Page 380
That's all I had in me - one burst of outrage from deep within, and then I broke down into uncontrollable sobs. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable. I had shown a part of me that no one had ever seen, that I didn't even know existed.
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TRIGGERED - Page 379
This felt like it came out of me from a place I had never accessed. I had NEVER yelled like this in my life. It was like an entirely different part of me was speaking. I was transported back to a terrifying place, fighting for my life.
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