#BoxingDay 4:30am
I’ve been suffering for sometime now and I just want to share my struggle and not give a FUCK. I’m not seeking attention, I’m not looking for help, I don’t need anyone to talk to, I don’t need any advice, I don’t need anything. I just felt like sharing this empty ass feeling (just Incase I actually follow my mind... again) and do something I’ve been wanting to do for the past couple of years.
Before you start to get any ideas: this is not because of music, personal problems, bills, family, relationship problems or any of that.
I honestly just DON’T want to live anymore. I don’t want to be here, I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of not enjoy food, I’m tired of hurting people, I’m tired of my ways, I’m tired of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING... I just don’t want to have any life in my body. I just want to leave without hurting anybody, I just doubt anyone would understand why.
NOTHING makes me happy! My son was my last light and the older he gets, the darker I feel. My days just go by and it doesn’t matter where I go, who I’m around or what I’m doing.. everything is just blurred and blah! and sometimes if it wasn’t for the sake of me wanting to live my dream as a musician or watching my son grow old, I’d be LONG FUCKING GONE!
A few people who are close to me might read this and be like “WTF” because they can’t see it on my face that I’m DEAD inside, they can’t feel it because my energy is clean, they don’t know.
No one knows.
I’ve attempted suicide 3 times in 2017 and failed. I took a random amount of ibuprofen and still woke up... I did it for 3 days straight and lived (lol, still weird to me)
I don’t know if God is saving me around for something special, but I’ve even said some fucked up things directed at him, thinking he’d be like “fuck it, you want out? BYE” lol... NOTHING!
Anyways! I just wanted to say all of that to say this. If one day I do follow my mind (again) and somehow be successful this time (taking my own life). Please explain to my son that I wasn’t trying to be selfish, I just wanted to be at peace. I want to see you grow up, I want to teach you the right things... but I’m in pain (mentally) .. I never stopped loving you tho and i never will.
I don’t give a fuck if I made a typo either 🤷🏾‍♂️
