kia

she/her - 19 vent blog ig tw: sh/sui ideation/wl

[kiaanoir]

I fucking hate my dad

[kiaanoir]

if pokémon is the only thing that keeps me alive it’s a good thing then. it’s worth investing in the one thing that brings be genuine joy. so i’m gonna get that 3ds I found and start slowly buying games. it’ll be good for me.

[kiaanoir]

do I buy a 3ds or no? i’ve wanted one for a long time ngl… it might motivate me to keep going I hope.

[kiaanoir]

I think a reason I am so depressed is because I feel like I have no space of my own. my room doesn’t feel safe anymore because of my anxiety. I can’t feel comfortable in here anymore and it makes me feel so scared and trapped. I can’t escape them either because I can’t afford my own place no matter what job I work. it’s too expensive in my town. so I don’t even try looking for jobs. I believe in myself so little that I just stay stuck because I don’t think I am capable of getting a job and keeping it or doing well. physically I am able, but I feel like deep down i’ll never be happy. so I just don’t want to try anymore.

[kiaanoir]

I don’t know if I can wait till the end of the year to die. I want to, to get my last everything this year, but I hate waiting. I want to leave now. I want to be gone. eternal sleep sounds so peaceful. just nothing anymore. I need that.

[kiaanoir]

I really just want to die. I hate every moment i’m awake. I can never enjoy anything I used to. I just don’t care anymore. i’m just scared of it not working. i’m sure it would work if I took all of my pills, but I don’t know. maybe i’m just a pussy. I wish I just never existed, would make things better for everyone.

[kiaanoir]

everyone needs to shut up forever. like why are y’all yelling omg. why can I hear your conversations from downstairs like shut the fuck up.

[kiaanoir]

kill me please.

[kiaanoir]

had my biggest trigger show up again today and i’m handling it surprisingly well. i’m okay in my mind, but my body feels super anxious. it’s hard to feel okay when my body is convinced we’re in danger. I am taking so much of my medications every like three hours just to relax. also already cut twice and that helped but idk what else to do. i’m just trying to distract myself for now but the good part about this is that my mom and sister take this trigger seriously now. they help to make sure it’s gone. which I really appreciate.

I just need my body to calm tf down it’s getting annoying.

[kiaanoir]

being pulled back from the ledge by pokemon plushies. I need all the applins that have ever existed.

[kiaanoir]

is there actually an easy way to kys or is that unreasonably difficult too? asking for a friend of course…

[kiaanoir]

honestly I just wish this world made it easy for people to be happy. I can’t imagine getting a place of my own or falling in love or getting a job I don’t hate. i’m sorry that i’m too sad to get a job? i’m sorry that i’m really anxious and sensitive and I can’t just get over it. I just wish I had more support. maybe that’s selfish idk.

maybe it’s my fault i’m not happy. it actually probably is. the second I think about doing something about it, or if I feel a tiny bit of hope, it’s crushed immediately by my anxiety because it fucking rules my life and I don’t know how to stop it. my only option is to kms at this point. that’s how it feels at least.

[kiaanoir]

always the fucking victim right? as soon as someone calls you out in your shit, it’s i’m aggressive and i’m going to hurt you as if i’ve ever hit you before in my fucking life? literally just called you out for being a bitch since no one else has ever done it and now i’m the fucking problem. right.

[kiaanoir]

my sister is such a cunt. I fucking hate her sometimes. she’s selfish and rude and treats our mother like shit all the time despite constantly spending hundreds of fucking dollars on her all the time. I have a bottle of vodka for myself because I wanted to drink one night and she’s asking me for it because she doesn’t want to drink with me, she wants to drink alone. that’s not the problem, I don’t mind that. I understand it. but stop throwing a fucking tantrum that I said no to giving it to you. fuck off please.

[princelymenhera]

i feel guilty about leaving good people behind, but i think theyre getting sick of me anyways

[kiaanoir]

when I don’t eat i’m nauseous and when I eat i’m nauseous.

[kiaanoir]

I took too much of my medication. it won’t kill me but I just hope I won’t have to think for a while. maybe i’ll just sleep through it. that would be nice.