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How the lieutenants would react (if the captains confessed their love)

As requested by anon. :)

What if each of the captains suddenly and sincerely confessed their love to their lieutenants? How would those lieutenants react?

And I decided to go the post-Aizen (pre-end) squads…meaning that I left out Squad 11 (because Yachiru) and Squad 12 (because incest). Please enjoy!

1. Squad 5

Hinamori: Yeah, yeah, I know you do, Captain.

Shinji: I-I’m confessing my love here, Momo! The least you could do is look up from your book!

Hinamori: You confess your love to people every other day, Captain.

Shinji: But I mean it this time!

Hinamori: Uh-huh. Of course you do.

Shinji: YOU’RE STILL NOT LOOKING UP

2. Squad 13

Rukia: Captain…I don’t really know what to say.

Rukia: This seems a little…awkward?

Rukia: Especially with Kiyone and Sentaro both screaming hysterically in the background.

Rukia: Just, so much screaming.

Ukitake: I-I didn’t know they were there!

3. Squad 2

Omaeda: A-are you dying?

Omaeda: Wait, no, you wouldn’t do something like this if you were dying…

Omaeda: Am *I* dying?

Omaeda: No that doesn’t make sense either!

Omaeda: Captain! Please! Just tell me who’s dying!

Soi Fon: I knew emotions were a mistake.

4. Squad 8

Nanao: Okay but are we sure you’re not my uncle? The manga was not very clear.

Kyoraku: I wouldn’t be confessing my love if I were your uncle, Nanao-chan!

Nanao: Well, okay…

Nanao: THEN WHAT YOU DOING THAT IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOUR SUBORDINATE!!

Kyoraku: S-so cold, Nano-chan!

5. Squad 7

Iba: And I love you too, Captain!

Komamura: You know I mean this in a romantic way, right, Iba?

Iba: I did not realize that, no!

Iba: But I do in fact still love you, Captain!

Komamura: Romantically?

Iba: May I have some time to think about that, Captain?

Komamura: All the time you need!

Iba: Thank you Captain!

6. Squad 3

Kira: Do you know what the flower of Squad 3 is, Captain? It’s the marigold.

Kira: The flower of despair.

Kira: That is what our squad represents - despair.

Rose: So….are you saying you don’t love me back?

Kira: You just confessed your love to a zombie with a penchant for beheading birds.

Kira: I am just saying - you’re in the right squad.

7. Squad 4

Isane: C-Captain Unohana, I had no idea!

Isane: I-I don’t know what to say…

Isane: How could you be in love with someone like me? I’m tall, I’m clumsy, I’m ugly, I-

Unohana: Do not say such things about the woman I love, Isane.

Isane: C-Captain!

8. Squad 1

Sasakibe: I-I can’t believe it…

Sasakibe: After all these years…

Sasakibe: All these years of waiting…hoping…

Sasakibe: Refusing to stop being your lieutenant no matter what…

Sasakibe: It finally happened!

Sasakibe: I WOULD LIKE TO THANK GOD AND ALSO THE ENGLISH QUEEN

Yamamoto: …been keeping some feelings bottled, huh?

9. Squad 10

Matsumoto: Aww, I love you too, Captain!

Matsumoto: Boop!

Matsumoto: I booped you on the nose!

Matsumoto: …

Matsumoto: You suddenly look so angry and I don’t know why.

10. Squad 9 (Hisagi)

Hisagi: THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

Hisagi: I JUST CAN’T STOP SMILING

Kensei: I may have made a terrible mistake.

11. Squad 9 (Mashiro)

Mashiro: Huh??? What are you Kensei, stupid???

Kensei: HEY I’M TRYING TO CONFESS MY LOVE HERE

12. Squad 6

Renji: …

Byakuya: Did you not hear me, Renji? I said that I am in love with you.

Renji: Is, uh, this like when you told me your zanpakuto cuts your hair and I thought you were serious and then it turned out you were kidding and I felt dumb?

Byakuya: No this is like when I was recovering in bed and told you I had something to tell you and then Kurosaki Ichigo suddenly appeared in the window shouting.

Byakuya: Which is why you must reply promptly. I am sure the “cock block” (as the humans say) will be here any moment now.

Byakuya: Kurosaki Ichigo can sense romantic moments.

Byakuya: He knows.

Byakuya (whispers): He wants to ruin them.

Renji: THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH TO PROCESS

bleachlists

Bleach characters, Ichigo has a son! Your reactions?

As requested by anon. :)

How are people going to react in the post-ending canon Bleach world when they realize that Ichigo has a son?

Grimmjow: A tiny Kurosaki?

Grimmjow: …

Grimmjow: Awesome! I have a backup! Now I can kill Kurosaki Ichigo for real!

Grimmjow: AND THEN I KILL HIS SON

Ichigo: On second thought, you’re not invited to the baby shower after all.

Grimmjow: Dude, why? —

Renji: I’m super happy for Ichigo! Being a dad rocks!

Renji: But also -

Renji: I had a shikai. Ichigo got a shikai. I got bankai. Ichigo got bankai. I fought Captain Kuchiki. He fought Captain Kuchiki. I got sideburns. He got sideburns.

Renji: Then I had a kid and he had a kid.

Renji: I kinda think Ichigo keeps copying me?

Ichigo: THAT IS NOT WHY I HAD A SON

—

Yoruichi: Wow, a son!

Yoruichi: That means that Ichigo has probably seen a second pair of boobs finally!

Ichigo: Probably?

Yoruichi: I give it 50-50 odds.

Ichigo: I HAVE A WIFE YOU KNOW

—

Kenpachi: So Kurosaki Ichigo has another power, huh?

Ichigo: A son. Not another power.

Kenpachi: Tch. Right.

Kenpachi: Like tiny children are ever anything in Bleach OTHER than secretly a weapon.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: I mean, you have a point, but no.

Kenpachi: Yeah, we’ll see.

Kenpachi: We’ll see.

—

Ulquiorra: A child of the woman and Kurosaki Ichigo will be doubly loyal. Will doubly believe in friendship. Will possess double strength. Double kindness. Double love.

Ulquiorra: That child basically IS the heart.

Orihime: That’s so sweet!

Ulquiorra: I meant it as an insult.

—

Hiyori: WELL I’M NOT BABYSITTING

Hiyori: AND I’D LIKE SOMEONE TO PLEASE TELL THE KID THAT

—

Nel: Nel is very excited for Itsygo!

Nel: Itsygo was always so good with Nel!

Nel: Itsygo’s child will love being carried into battle with him like Nel was!

Ichigo: I probably won’t carry my kid into battle, Nel.

Nel: So Itsygo loves Nel more??

Nel: NEL IS SO HAPPY

Ichigo: …I might let this one go.

—

Aizen: Now the human-shinigami-Quincy-hollow has had a child with Inoue Orihime, whose powers are godlike and undefined.

Aizen: My plan proceeds.

Ichigo: Plan? I heard you were back in prison accepting your lot and making speeches.

Aizen: Yeah because that sounds like me.

Aizen: No way I’d care about a kid who can kill Yhwach with a touch.

Aizen: Nope I am so not interested in that.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: I have concerns.

—

Isshin: Well I’m ecstatic of course!

Isshin: So ecstatic I turned the clinic over to Ichigo, and took off to travel the world with Ryuken and never return again!

Ryuken: Do not speak lies. The fans might believe you.

Isshin: Is that any way to talk to your travel and snuggle buddy?

Ryuken: I SAID STOP LYING

—

Byakuya: I would like to say congratulations on your child, Kurosaki Ichigo.

Ichigo: Finally! Someone who just says something nice and doesn’t -

Byakuya: He is nearly - but not quite - as adorable as my niece.

Ichigo: …

Byakuya: Nice try, though.

bleachlists

If Kazui showed up in each squad’s barracks...

As requested by anon. :)

Ichigo and Orihime’s son is the tiny shinigami Kazui. Let’s say he’s visiting Soul Society for the first time. And he’s escaped from his parents, as he seems to do. And now he is going from squad to squad, visiting the barracks. What will each squad’s reaction be?

1. Squad 1

Nanao: Head Captain, who is that small child you’re reading to?

Nanao: Is another prodigy child joining your squad as I once did?

Kyoraku: Nah, he just sort of wandered in!

Kyoraku: I offered him some sake, but he said it smelled weird.

Nanao: …

Kyoraku: What?

2. Squad 2

Omaeda: So you’re saying that that kid just broke in here.

Soi Fon: Mmm-hm.

Omaeda: Got past our security.

Soi Fon: Mmm-hm.

Omaeda: And now what appears to be the entirety of the Punishment Squad is chasing him unsuccessfully?

Soi Fon: He is very fast.

Omaeda: Are we, uh, going to help at any point?

Soi Fon: Only when my ninjas have learned their lesson.

Omaeda: Kid seems to be having fun. Are you being nice?

Soi Fon: Don’t be ridiculous, Omaeda.

3. Squad 3

Kazui: Hi!

Kira: …

Kira: Chubby cheeks, innocent grin…

Kira: What are you doing in the despair squad, kid?

Kazui: Just saying hi!

Kazui: How come you have a hole through your chest?

Kira: I’m technically dead.

Kazui: Cool! Like a zombie?

Kira: Pretty much, yeah.

Kazui: Okay see you later!

Kira: …

Kira: Kids are weird.

4. Squad 4

Isane: Uh, are you lost, child?

Kazui: Nah I’m just looking around!

Kiyone: OH MY GOOD LOOK AT HOW CUTE HE IS

Kiyone: Captain Ukitake would have loved seeing such a cute kid!

Kiyone: …

Kazui: How come that lady is crying?

Isane: M-maybe you should play somewhere else, child!

5. Squad 5

Shinji: Whoa! You look like a tiny Ichigo!

Kazui: I’m his son!

Shinji: You’re probably trouble then.

Kazui: I guess!

Shinji: Wanna learn how to write your name backwards?

Kazui: Okay!

Hinamori: …only my captain could make that activity sound sinister.

6. Squad 6

Byakuya: …

Kazui: [grinning]

Byakuya: …

Kazui: [grinning]

Byakuya: …

Byakuya: Renji, there is a tiny version of Kurosaki Ichigo here, Renji.

Renji: Oh hey! It’s Kazui!

Byakuya: This is a recurring nightmare I have.

Kazui: Are you Byakuya? My dad says you’ll let me play here whenever!

Byakuya: Only worse.

7. Squad 7

Iba: …and that is how you become a man.

Kazui: Wow, so sunglasses is all it takes?

Iba: I said a bit more than that, but basically, yeah.

Kazui: Thanks for giving me some!

Iba: I’m sure you’ll grow into them soon!

8. Squad 8

Lisa: Hey kid.

Lisa: I’m busy reading so feel free to get into whatever.

Kazui: Okay!

Lisa: I am a great babysitter.

9. Squad 9

Mashiro: …and when I saw he had cool hair AND green hoodie, I figured he belonged in this squad!

Hisagi: Plus, I know how good you are with kids, Captain Muguruma! You only made me cry that one time!

Kensei: Okay but we are not keeping him.

Mashiro: BUT LOOK AT HIS HOODIE

10. Squad 10

Matsumoto: Wow! A shinigami shorter than you, Captain!

Matsumoto: Tell me you didn’t hire him just ‘cause of that!

Hitsugaya: I didn’t hire him at all, Matsumoto! I don’t know why he’s here!

Hitsugaya: And I don’t know why he’s calling me Toshiro when I introduced myself as Captain Hitsugaya!

Kazui: My dad said you like it when people call you by your name!

Matsumoto: (gasps)

Matsumoto: It’s Inoue’s and Ichigo’s kid!

Hitsugaya: YOUR DAD TOLD YOU *WHAT*?!

11. Squad 11

Kenpachi: So you’re Ichigo’s son?

Kazui: Yup!

Kenpachi: And your mom is Inoue Orihime with all of her amazing healing abilities?

Kazui: Uh-huh!

Kenpachi: So you should be pretty much indestructible, then.

Kazui: Maybe!

Kenpachi (drawing his zanpakuto): This is the greatest day of my life.

Ikkaku: CAPTAIN NO

12. Squad 12

Kurotsuchi: Kurosaki and Inoue, huh?

Kurotsuchi: …

Kurotsuchi: You should come and play in this test tube, kid. It is lots of fun.

Kurotsuchi: Tiny Nemu, get into the test tub and show him how fun it is.

Nemu: Yes, Mayuri-sama!

Kazui: My dad warned me about you!

Kurotsuchi: I can’t think why.

13. Squad 13

Rukia: And then you add some ears and voila! A bunny drawing!

Ichigo: OH STRAWBERRIES THANK GOODNESS!

Ichigo: Kazui is with you!

Ichigo: Here I was afraid he’d be getting cut up by Kenpachi or experimented on by Kurotsuchi or tied up in Squad 2!

Ichigo: But he’s safe and here! Hanging out with his mom and his Aunt Rukia!

Orihime (whispering): Maybe don’t tell Daddy what you’ve been up to all day, okay, Kazui?

Kazui: Okay!

Ichigo: WAIT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

bleachlists

Bleach characters, Grimmjow and Ichigo are engaged! Your reactions?

As requested by anon. :)

Rukia: Engaged…like they have a fight scheduled?

Rukia: Or engaged like they’re getting married?

Ichigo: Getting married!

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: That face you’re making now - is it a good face or a bad face?

Rukia: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!

Rukia: WHY WOULD YOU MARRY A VIOLENT HOMICIDAL HOLLOW?!

Byakuya: Kurosaki Ichigo does have a violent homicidal hollow living in his soul.

Rukia: …

Byakuya: I am simply saying.

Nnoitra: Tch. Never thought Grimmjow was the marrying type.

Nnoitra: Guess he’s afraid he won’t be able to keep Kurosaki without some sort of contract.

Nnoitra: Weakling.

Ulquiorra: Personally I am more worried about what Grimmjow thinks marriage is.

Ulquiorra: Throwing Kurosaki Ichigo into a caja negacion? Throwing him into a sack? Punching him repeatedly in the face?

Grimmjow: Hey! I know what marriage is!

Grimmjow: It’s a promise that we’ll be together forever and never fight anyone else ever again!

Grimmjow: Or at least, that’s what I’m putting in my vows.

Ulquiorra: …

Grimmjow: What?

Orihime: Wow…

Orihime: I guess I really misinterpreted that fight between Kurosaki-kun and Grimmjow! I thought they were trying to kill each other!

Nel: They were! That’s how hollows flirt!

Orihime: B-but now they won’t try to kill each other anymore, right?

Nel: Uh…

Orihime: OH MY GOD

Gin: I knew Kurosaki Ichigo was a creepy kid.

Gin: This just confirms it.

Urahara: And I knew Grimmjow was super obsessed with Ichigo!

Urahara: …all of that shouting of his name kinda gave me a clue.

Shinji: Okay but I have to know.

Shinji: The proposal - how did that go down?

Ichigo: It was very romantic!

Ichigo: Grimmjow appeared out of nowhere, punched his fist directly into my stomach, and later as I was lying there bleeding I realized that he had punched a RING into the wound!

Ichigo: Of course I said yes!

Shinji: …

Shinji: Yeah okay that makes sense for you.

bleachlists

If Bleach characters threw a party...

As requested by @chappetrels :)

Parties are a lot of work! We’ve seen Bleach characters attend various parties before, but what if they were throwing a party? How would each of them contribute?

1. Ishida

Makes the invitations. They are beautifully made, with a hand-sewn lace border and calligraphic writing.

Ishida: The president of the crafts club strikes again!

2. Orihime

Delivers the invitations - ties them to people’s door along with a fresh roll from her bakery.

Orihime: For some reason, leaving bread on people’s doors just feels so right.

3. Urahara

Invites people to the party by writing in blood on their walls.

Ishida: OH COME ON WE WERE BEING SO CLASSY

Urahara: Just trying to help!

4. Matsumoto

Buys all of the decorations for the party. Stores them all in Ichigo’s room.

Ichigo: …I wish I could say I was surprised.

5. Kira & Hisagi & Renji & Matsumoto & Hitsugaya

Shop together for the booze for the party. It was supposed to just be the three dudes, but then Matsumoto heard about it and wanted to come. And Hitsugaya came along to supervise. Or tried to.

Hitsugaya: What do you MEAN I’m not allowed in the store???

6. Hitsugaya

Makes ice for the party. All the while insisting that his zanpakuto isn’t really supposed to be used for that.

Hyorinmaru: I don’t mind tho.

Hitsugaya: But it’s the principle of the thing.

7. Ulquiorra

Bakes cookies for the party. They are heart-shaped. And also black.

Ulquiorra: They will remind people of both the heart and of despair.

Ulquiorra: And if people do not wish to eat them…

Ulquiorra: Then I will force them down their throats.

Orihime: Ulquiorra no!

8. Gin

Brings punch to the party. Everybody refuses to drink it.

Gin: …am I that predictable?

9. Shinji & Rose

Bring the music for the party. Shinji brings the jazz records that can’t actually be played because nobody but him has a record player. Rose brings the actual music. And his guitar.

Rose: Just in case anybody feels like a live performance!

Kira: Only if you promise not to get distracted talking to it.

Kira: …this time.

10. Rukia

Buys juice boxes for the party. She also makes 100 illustrated instruction manuals that explain how to use the straw.

Ichigo: Okay but your instructions are only going to confuse people more.

Rukia: …

[Rukia on Ichigo violence!]

11. Hanataro

Offers to take care of clean-up duty.

Hanataro: I-I am very used to cleaning things!

12. Hinamori

Invents a kido that puts up the decorations for the party.

Matsumoto: …why are you so amazing, though?

Hinamori: W-who, me?

13. Kensei

Does the cooking.

Kensei: …this always happens to me.

14. Komamura & Iba

Bring the snacks.

Komamura: I am bringing these bone-shaped biscuits that Hisagi once told me about! They are delicious!

Iba: Excellent, captain!!!

Iba: And I will take care of the human food!

Komamura: …what?

Iba: T-the rest of the food, I meant!!!

15. Nel & Yachiru

Bring the candy.

Yachiru: There we go! Fifteen bags of candy!

Nel: Should we start shopping for the party now?

Yachiru: Yeah I guess we’d better!

16. Kyoraku & Nanao

Plan the party games.

Kyoraku: I’m so flattered that you wanted to work with me, lovely lovely Nanao-chan!

Nanao: Yeah people were scared that the games you planned might all be super lethal, otherwise.

Kyoraku: ..

Kyoraku: Yeah that’s fair.

17. Kurotsuchi

Hooks up the lights and the sound. At least, he does until somebody notices that he is also installing hidden cameras everywhere.

Kurotsuchi: What? So suddenly people don’t like to be spied on?

Kurotsuchi: Ridiculous.

18. Chad

Carries everything for everybody.

Chad: It only took a couple of trips.

Chad: Easy.

19. Ichigo

Promises to be at the party.

Ishida: Wait, what? How is that a contribution??

Ichigo: Well, if I’m there, then everybody will come.

Ishida: What are you even talking about?

Grimmjow: Hey. Wasn’t gonna come but then I heard that Kurosaki was gonna be there so I figured I’d better come so I could KILL HIM

Ichigo: See?

Ishida: OH COME ON

20. Byakuya

Holds the party at his mansion. Which would probably have worked out better had somebody told him that the party was happening at his mansion.

Byakuya: …why are there all of these decorations all over my mansion?

Byakuya: …why are are there so many people in festive clothing headed this way?

Byakuya: …why do these party invitations list my address?

Byakuya: …and why do they bear the WSRA stamp?

Byakuya: …

Byakuya: I am going to need a bigger zanpakuto.

bleachlists

Snow Day in the Seireitei

As requested by @dameofnodelicacy and @sambamrazzy. :)

It has snowed in Soul Society, and a snow day has been declared! How do the various shinigami react?

1. Hitsugaya: Is 90% scarfs

Hitsugaya bundles himself up well. Very well. He basically looks like a walking pile of scarfs.

Byakuya: Aren’t you an ice type? Should you not be impervious to the cold or some such thing?

Hitsugaya: …

Hitsugaya: There is nothing wrong with wanting to be cozy.

2. Yamamoto: Goes shirtless

Mostly because he can.

Yamamoto: Such bad subordinates, being affected by the cold.

Yamamoto: Personally I just need my beard to keep ME warm.

3. Byakuya & Rukia: Build snowmen

Or rather, a snow bunny and a snow Admiral Seaweed.

Rukia: Your snow sculptures are just as amazing as your sand sculptures, Nii-sama!

Byakuya: Yours are very good too, Rukia.

4. Matsumoto: Drinks (and shares) a lot of spiked hot chocolate

Of course, it’s too cold for strip drinking games. So instead she, Hisagi, and Kira see how many sweaters they can put on.

Hisagi: I CAN NO LONGER LOWER MY ARMS

Kira: MORE SWEATERS SHUHEI! DO IT FOR THE VINE

Matsumoto: Who knew reverse stripping could be so fun??

5. Hinamori: Spends the day reading

She has a blanket and (non-alcoholic) hot chocolate, and she is ready to party. And by “party” I mean “read.”

Hinamori: It doesn’t really get cozier than this.

[Outside the window, Hitsugaya waddles by in his 19 scarfs]

Hinamori: Except possibly for that.

6. Rose: Enjoys the look of the snow

Rose, more than anyone else, appreciates the aesthetics of the snow - the look of the fresh snowdrifts, the way the snowflakes swirl down through the air, the way the world seems almost hushed.

Rose: Every few seconds I get another picture of Izuru wearing more sweaters.

Rose: But it’s pretty peaceful anyway.

7. Yachiru: Pelts everyone with snow balls

Mostly while riding on Kenpachi’s shoulders.

Ikkaku: LIEUTENANT PLEASE STOP STRIKING ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD

Yachiru: GOALLLLLL

8. Renji: Gets involved in the Squad 11 snowball fight

The one that Yachiru started.

Ikkaku: Abarai!!! Did you put ROCK into this SNOWBALL?!

Renji: We villains are dirty by nature, you know!

Ikkaku: THAT’S AWESOME

9. Isane: Is pretty much stuck dealing with injuries

Squad 11 files in all day, most of them with mysterious rock wounds.

Unohana: And this is why I insisted we spend the day inside Squad 4, Isane.

Isane: Ohhhhhh.

10. Aizen: Melts all the snow with his spiritual pressure

No snow is actually able to reach him.

Aizen: I am simply too powerful.

Aizen: …

Aizen: Admittedly it is a little sad.

11. Ukitake: Is cared for by his subordinates

Basically this means that Kiyone and Sentaro compete to keep him comfortable, until he is essentially swimming in blankets. And mittens. And hats. And hot chocolate.

Ukitake (faintly, from underneath it all): G-guys?

12. Soi Fon: Hosts a GIANT snowball fight

Just imagine, if you will, the entirety of the punishment squad pelting each other with snowballs.

Omaeda: T-this is surprisingly nice of you, Captain!

Soi Fon: Nice? You understand so little.

Soi Fon: I am increasing their antagonism towards each other by having them simulate battle. I am decreasing their camaraderie.

Omaeda: They, uh, sure seem to be having a good time, though.

Soi Fon: That is probably battle laughter.

13. Komamura: Goes sledding with Iba

The sokyoku hill makes for some awesome sledding.

Komamura: Amazing! I can’t help but let my tongue dangle and my wolf ears flap in the breeze!

Iba: YOU ARE THE BEST SLEDDER, CAPTAIN

14. Shinji: Makes snow angels

I can’t even explain this one. Something about Shinji and his gangly limbs making snow angels amuses me

Hiyori: Hey baldy! Aren’t you a guy who does everything backwards? You should be making snow angels FACE DOWN

Shinji: FOR THE LAST TIME I’M NOT DOING THAT

15. Mashiro & Kensei: Get distracted by Shinji’s snow angels

Kensei was just trying to go for a nice snow walk. Mashiro was following him.

Mashiro: Uh oh are people disappearing again? Kensei! Kensei! Look! Mysterious dents in the snow!

Kensei: Those are just snow angels, Mashiro.

Mashiro: What? Angels? Of the snow? I don’t understand! I don’t understand!

Kensei: I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A WALK

16. Nemu: Clears the snow around Squad 12

Kurotsuchi really wants nothing to do with the snow day. So Nemu clears the snow away from Squad 12. Using the world’s most giant snow blower.

Nemu: I may or may not have blown Akon away.

Nemu: But he is probably fine.

[The sounds of Akon’s screams fade into the distance]

Nemu: Probably.

bleachlists

Bleach characters going through airport security

As requested by @anat-astarte. :)

Bleach characters are at the airport! In the USA I guess since I dunno what airports are like elsewhere. What will happen when they try to go through airport security?

1. Nnoitra: Gets stopped by the TSA immediately

Partly because he didn’t take off his shoes. But mostly because he had his giant sword slung over his shoulder.

Nelliel: [face-palming amid the alarms and shouting]

Nelliel: Can’t take that guy anywhere.

2. Nelliel: Causes some…questions

Mostly because she looks like an adult but her ID is that of a kid.

TSA Agent: Uh

Nelliel: Oh shit! Hang on - I can fix this!

TSA Agent: DID YOU JUST TURN INTO A CHILD

3. Hitsugaya: Can’t even make it to security

As soon as he shows his ID, he has some…trouble.

TSA Agent: Pro-tip, kid, if you’re obviously 12 but your ID says you’re hundreds of years old, that’s not going to fool anyone.

Hitsugaya: …I knew I should have gone into bankai.

4. Aizen: Glides through security

Sure he’s holding his zanpakuto. But he hypnotizes everyone to think it’s a feather duster so

TSA Agent #1: Such a pleasant man.

TSA Agent #2: Gentlemen like him make this job so worth it.

Hitsugaya: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

5. Hisagi: Chugs 30oz of coffee when he realizes he can’t take it with him

Kira: …

Hisagi (already vibrating): Worth it!!

Kira: …

6. Yamamoto: Gets a little huffy

Mostly when he’s told he has to take off his captain’s coat and put it in a bin.

Yamamoto: This is a captain’s robe of the Gotei-13.

Yamamoto: It is not meant to be stuffed into a bin!

Kyoraku: [busy stuffing his captain’s robe into a bin]

Kyoraku: …

Kyoraku: [sheepishly takes it out]

7. Ikkaku: Makes everyone vaguely uncomfortable

He’s very compliant, mind you. Checks his sword, puts his wooden extra sword through the scanner, takes off his shoes…but he’s just so…excited.

Ikkaku: So this machine lets you see inside me?? Humans are so amazing!

TSA Agent #1: Humans?

TSA Agent #2: Above my pay grade.

8. Kurotsuchi: Technically complies with all instructions

He puts all of his poisons in 3oz containers and puts his weird ear sword thing through the scanner.

TSA Agent #! (whispering): That guy just took off his ear!!

TSA Agent #2 (whispering): Shut up do you want to get sued??

9. Grimmjow: Gets a pat-down

After he goes through the full body scanner, that is.

TSA Agent #1: So…you know how the xray made it look like this guy had a huge hole in his abdomen?

TSA Agent #2: Yeah?

TSA Agent #1: Well…he does. He does have a huge hole in his abdomen.

TSA Agent #2: Did you call 911??

TSA Agent #1: Nah. He seemed fine. Said it’s always been there.

TSA Agent #2: But…how??

TSA Agent #1: You know man, I didn’t ask. I just…didn’t ask.

TSA Agent #1: [twitches]

10. Lisa: Is secretly disappointed that nobody comments on her luggage

It’s all sex toys and porn.

Lisa: I thought they’d be more curious.

Lisa: Guess they see a lot of weird stuff.

TSA Agent #1: Dude I think there’s a cat in line.

TSA Agent #2: Whaaaat?

Lisa: ….today, at least.

11. Yoruichi: Goes through security in cat-form

She mostly just likes to tease people.

TSA Agent #1: Uh…there’s a cat in line. With a boarding pass and ID.

TSA Agent #2: How did a cat get a boarding pass? Or an ID??

TSA Agent #1: I dunno but this ID has the cat’s picture on it. It all kinda checks out.

TSA Agent #2: So…that’s okay then?

TSA Agent #1: I don’t even know anymore, man. I just (chokes up) don’t know.

12. Komamura: Expects some trouble

He hopes that as long as he has a bucket on his head, he will not cause too much consternation. But this is an airport. You can’t keep a bucket on your head in an airport.

TSA Agent: Sir…is that an elaborate wolf costume?

Komamura: …yes?

TSA Agent: THANK GOD

TSA Agent: I UNDERSTAND FURRIES! MY NEPHEW IS A FURRY!

TSA Agent: BLESS YOU SIR FOR BEING SOMETHING I UNDERSTAND DURING THIS WEIRD AND TERRIBLE DAY

Komamura: …

Komamura: These TSA Agents are so much more understanding than I expected.

bleachlists

Bleach Olympics

As requested by @bluechaosshark :)

Sad about Bleach? Why not just read Bleach Lists, where Bleach exists in a bubble of humor, OOC-ness, and Bleach characters saying “dude”? For instance, today we’re going to imagine that the Olympics take place in the Bleachverse! What sort of stuff would we see?

1. Ichigo wins 10 metals…in 7 different sports

Ichigo: Didn’t even mean to win that last one.

Ichigo: Just saw some people fighting. Thought I’d help.

Ichigo: Guess I’m not bad at fencing.

Sasakibe (sobbing): THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GOLD

2. Yoruichi: Is ridiculously photogenic while running, Usain Bolt style

Soi Fon: Look at this picture of Yoruichi-sama, smiling as she runs!

Soi Fon: She knows she’s going to win and look good doing it!

Yoruichi: Still like photographing your crushes, huh, Soi Fon?

Soi Fon: Y-Yoruichi-sama!

3. Yammy: Holds up the “#1″ fingers whenever he wins

Byakuya: Odd. I could have sworn you were 10th.

Yammy: WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS SAYING THAT?!

4. Hiyori: Gets thrown out of soccer

Shinji: Wow. You sure got those red cards fast.

Hiryoi: I THOUGHT THIS GAME WAS *PRO*-KICKING!

5. Karin: Does not get thrown out of soccer

Karin: Man, the Olympics are something.

Karin: Uniforms, rules, and a lack of monsters.

Karin: I barely know how to play under these circumstances.

6. Kenpachi: Can’t be put in team sports

Yumichika: You weren’t really supposed to do the whole relay yourself, you know.

Kenpachi: Old habits.

7. Hitsugaya: Is distressed by the picture the media uses for him

Hitsugaya: WHY DID THEY USE THE *ONE* PICTURE OF ME LOOKING REALLY MAD?!

Hinamori: But you always look mad, Toshiro!

Hitsugaya: I JUST CONCENTRATE HARD

8. Halibel: Is very happy with her bronze

Halibel: Intellectually I know that silver would have been better. But I am very pleased.

Apacci: Psychologically, bronze is supposed to be better to win than silver!

Halibel: Because everyone likes the number 3 as much as me?

Apacci: Uh

9. Aizen: Talks a big game

Aizen: The gold metal platform will no longer be empty.

Aizen: I will be standing on it.

Tosen: Actually there have been many medal ceremonies already.

Aizen: Don’t interrupt me when I’m monologuing.

10. Yumichika: Does great on the floor show

Kenpachi: But how does he make the sparkles follow him

Kenpachi: How

11. Hinamori: Is rumored to be rude

Hinamori: I-I’m not rude!

Hinamori: I don’t hug my opponents after matches because I don’t want to get STABBED!

Hinamori: How is that hard to understand??

12. Grimmjow: Gets disqualified, like, immediately

Grimmjow: Nobody said punching wasn’t allowed!

Ulquiorra: It was gymnastics, Grimmjow.

rupertograves

“I will not bother you anymore.”

mystrade au: everything was perfect, until those stupid, silly feelings, came in their way.

bleachlists

If the captains were Yamamoto’s kids...

As requested by @delatorrefernanda96 :)

Let’s pretend that the captains are all children. And not just any children, but Yamamoto’s fifteen children (!!). What kind of kid would each of them be?

1. Rose: The one with too many extracurricular activities

Between band and orchestra and art and drama, it sometimes feels like Yamamoto spends all of his time driving Rose to practices and performances.

Rose: The Muse is certainly a demanding mistress!

Yamamoto: But you’re sleeping at some point, right?

2. Soi Fon: The sporty child

While Rose takes all of the arts and music activities, Soi Fon does all of the sports.

Soi Fon: Today on the battlefield I will demolish my enemies.

Yamamoto: You called the playing field a battlefield again.

Soi Fon: I keep telling you that’s not a mistake, Dad!

3. Unohana: The child who can do no wrong

Much to the frustration of the other kids, at times.

Yamamoto: While I am gone I am leaving Unohana in charge.

Shinji: Dad she murdered like fifty people.

Yamamoto: I trust her.

4. Shinji: The child who can do no right

Sometimes it seems like Shinji just can’t catch a break.

Yamamoto: Who broke my teacup?

Aizen: Hirako did.

Yamamoto: Grounded.

Shinji: DON’T I EVEN GET TO DEFEND MYSELF?!

5. Aizen: The two-faced child

So far as the dad knows, Aizen is a glowing beacon of innocence. The other kids think of him more as a horrible bully.

Shinji: Stop following me around, Aizen!

Aizen: Dad told me to watch you to make sure you don’t get into any more trouble.

Shinji: Literally all of the trouble is your fault!

Aizen: [shrugs]

6. Tosen: The bitter child

Tosen spends a lot of time in his room, contemplating the injustices of his life.

Tosen: Dad doesn’t care about justice.

Tosen: If he did, he wouldn’t let the other kids get away with so much.

Tosen: I hate him.

7. Kenpachi: The rambunctious child

It seems like he is always getting into fights.

Kenpachi: I made a new friend today, Dad!

Yamamoto: Bloody nose or bruised knees?

Kenpachi: I gave him a bloody nose!

Yamamoto: I could deal with this, but

8. Hitsugaya: The straight-A student

He spends a lot of time in his room. Studying.

Hitsugaya: KEEP IT DOWN KENPACHI I AM TRYING TO READ

Kenpachi: For a tiny guy, you sure are angry!

9. Byakuya: The tattle-tale

Byakuya prefers to think of it as following the rules. And making sure those who break the rules are punished.

Shinji: Dude I can’t believe you actually told the teacher that Rukia cut class!

Shinji: I thought you guys were friends!

Byakuya: We promised to uphold the rules of the classroom, you know.

10. Gin: The mischievous kid

Gin really likes to pull pranks on the other kids. They tend to be a bit…mean-spirited.

Gin: That’s a nice science experiment, Toshiro.

Gin: It would be tragic if something…horrible happened when you turned it on.

Hitsugaya: W-what did you do to it?

Gin: [walks away]

Hitsugaya: WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT???

11. Komamura: The loyal child

Komamura just really, really wants his dad to like him. And so he tries as hard as possible to be like his dad and do what his dad wants.

Komamura: Look, Dad! I’m taking kendo classes, just like you did!

12. Kyoraku: The carefree child

Which is a nice way of saying that he doesn’t try at school, at all. He’s too busy making friends with all of the ladies.

Kyoraku: I may have straight Cs, but I also have like three dates, so whose the real winner?

Hitsugaya: I am. I have straight A+s.

Kyoraku: Eh.

13. Ukitake: The favorite child

I mean, can you really blame Yamamoto?

Ukitake: I’m not feeling good today, Dad.

Yamamoto: Stay home from school today, son. I will stay with you.

Shinji: Dad! Sosuke just hit me with a branch!

Yamamoto: Walk it off.

14. Kensei: The mom child

Who ends up doing a lot of the actual parenting, given how swamped (and not super involved) Yamamoto is.

Kensei: Okay, everyone! Dinner is ready!

15. Kurotsuchi: The science kid

Kurotsuchi always seems to be up in his room, trying out new science experiments he heard about. He sends away for kits when he sees them on TV. Then he modifies them to do *interesting* things. Yamamoto is proud of how smart he is!

Kurotsuchi: Look at this cool poison I made!

Yamamoto: So smart.

mufcgoals

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Goal vs. Bournemouth (3-0)

bleachlists

What the espada would order at Starbucks

As requested by anon. :)

Let’s say that the espada enjoyed frequenting Starbucks. What kinds of coffee would they order?

1. Ulquiorra

Ulquiorra: The woman told me to order a cappuccino.

Ulquiorra: Apparently they can make a heart in the foam.

Ulquiorra: So I got the heart.

Ulquiorra: Then I watched as it slowly became deformed and finally fade away to nothing as I drank it.

Orihime: C-cute things may not be for you, Ulquiorra-kun!

Ulquiorra: What do you mean? It was perfect.

2. Zommari: Pumpkin spice latte

Gin: A pumpkin latte? Isn’t that (whispers) cannibalism?

Zommari: …

Gin: Because you’re a pumpkin?

Zommari: Yes. I got it.

Gin: You must really hate yourself.

Zommari: I SAID I GOT IT

3. Yammy: Trenta-sized coffee

Yammy: Don’t care what.

Yammy: What matters is that it’s GIANT.

Yammy: That’s how you know it’s good!

4. Starrk: Triple shot espresso

Starrk: It’s pretty strong, I guess.

Starrk: Kept me up for almost twenty minutes the other day.

5. Grimmjow: Passion fruit iced tea with soy milk and vanilla syrup

Ichigo: Um…

Grimmjow: What? It’s the blue drink from the secret menu.

Grimmjow: My aesthetic is very important me.

Ichigo: But…that’s a different shade of blue from your hair. And your eye shadow.

Grimmjow: Matching isn’t part of my aesthetic.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: Every time I think I understand you…

6. Luppi: Eight caramel frappuccinos

Luppi: No one but me can handle EIGHT of these SUPER SWEET DRINKS!

Grimmjow: You gonna be so sick later.

Luppi: SO WORTH IT

7. Aaroniero: Half sweet tea lemonade, half caramel waffle cone frappuccino

Aaroniero: Well, one of my heads likes tart drinks.

Aaroniero: And the other likes really sweet drinks.

Aaroniero: So we mix the two together and then just sorta pour it into our head tank.

Rukia: That sounds…….really disgusting.

Aaroniero: We’re not really coffee people.

8. Nel: Cotton candy frappuccino

Nel: It’s really sweet!

Nel: After I drink it, I can play endless pursuit endlessly!

Pesche: Which is why we only let her drink three a day!

Nel: The baristas know me by name!

9. Nnoitra: Cotton candy frappuccino

Nnoitra: I want whatever Nel got, only BIGGER!

Nel: You want a bright-pink cotton drink?

Nnoitra: ………yes.

Nel: Awesome!

Nnoitra: STOP BEING HAPPY FOR ME

10. Halibel: Short iced coffee

Halibel: It is refreshing to have a short iced coffee.

Hitsugaya: I FEEL INSULTED AND I DON’T KNOW WHY

Halibel: …it’s not always about you.

11. Barragan: Black coffee

Barragan: All of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Barragan: Getting such fancy, sweet, fruity drinks.

Barragan: A real espada drinks black, bitter coffee and likes it.

12. Szayel: Venti, half-caff, no foam latte, half whole milk, half almond milk, extra hot, with whipped cream, 2 packets raw sugar, 3 pumps of chocolate syrup, and cinnamon on top

Barragan: …

Szayel: What? If it’s not perfect, why am I drinking it?

Barragan: I hate you all.

bleachlists

Conversations that would happen (if Urahara and Aizen were on a road trip)

As requested by anon. :)

Urahara and Aizen are taking a road trip together! I have no idea why. But here are some conversations that would definitely happen on their trip!

Urahara: Okay! First road trip question: do we want to drive on the interstate and get to places fast?

Urahara: OR do we want to take the scenic route which will take a needlessly long time but be cooler?

Aizen: I think we both know that convoluted is better, Urahara Kisuke.

Urahara: Figured we’d be on the same page.

Aizen: I took the liberty of preparing a route for us.

Urahara: Huh. That looks suspiciously like the route *I* prepared for us.

Aizen: You may have made a map, but I took it and made it functional.

Urahara: Well this certainly feels familiar.

Aizen: Yes I so often beat you.

Aizen: Must you wear that hat in the car, Urahara Kisuke?

Aizen: It is hideous and distracting

Urahara: I didn’t say anything about you wearing my coat.

Aizen: …I happen to like your coats.

Urahara: Wow! Will you look at that? World’s biggest ball of twine. Amazing, isn’t it?

Aizen: Admiration is the furthest thing from understanding.

Aizen: It is twine, Urahara Kisuke.

Aizen: If you admire that, you are truly lost.

Urahara: You must be fun at parties.

Aizen: Urahara Kisuke, go get me some beef jerky from the gas station.

Urahara: I’m filling the car. Why not get it yourself?

Aizen: Sadly, I am bound to this chair. Unable to rise.

Urahara: It’s just a seat belt, Aizen. You can take it off.

Aizen: Bound. Forever. To this chair.

Urahara: …you just don’t want to get up, huh?

Aizen: Such a strong seat belt.

Urahara: Aizen! Hands off! Driver gets to pick the radio station!

Aizen: Urahara Kisuke! With all of your intelligence, how can you enjoy this terrible radio station?

Urahara: I love AKB48!

Aizen: THOSE ARE THE WORDS OF A DEFEATED MAN

Urahara: We may have been in the car together too long.

Urahara: AIZEN SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

Aizen: Fear is necessary for evolution, Urahara Kisuke. Soon this car will be reborn.

Urahara: YES AS A WRECK IF YOU KEEP GOING LIKE THIS

Aizen: And here I thought you would understand.

Urahara: Oh good! You got my note that I would be at this diner!

Aizen: Yes. I got your message.

Aizen: In blood. On my wall.

Urahara: Fun, yeah?

Aizen: I can no longer remember why I wanted to take this trip with you.

Aizen: I will be pulling over at the next rest stop. I need to pee.

Urahara: Uh, there’s no rest stop for 50 kilometers, Aizen.

Urahara: Luckily, I have this handy device! It’ll let you pee right here!

Aizen: …why did you bring that?

Urahara: Isn’t it normal to prepare for every eventuality while on a road trip?

Urahara: I also have devices in case we get four flat tires or desperately need key lime pie or get attacked by a squad of rabid squirrels holding knives!

Aizen: Never before did I believe that there was such a thing as being over prepared.

Urahara: You’ll thank me later.

10.

Aizen: Well, we are home.

Aizen: I must thank you, Urahara Kisuke.

Aizen: Thanks to you, prison no longer seems so bad.

Urahara: You’re welcome?

Aizen: Let’s never hang out again.