She crawls into her bed feeling lonely again.
her hands are crumpled and her shins hate her.
her wrinkles look like that of a 70-year-old woman.
she spoke for 42 minutes straight about everything and nothing at all.
it seems like she will never get better
or maybe she was never meant to be more than who she is now.
I don't remember a time when she wasn't healthy.
I did one of the hardest things today.
she abandoned her things at the camper my papa gave her to use and live in as long as she kept up with it, stayed clean, and got back on her feet. she took the free ride and never got off that train. now, she cant go 500 feet from my papas house.
I went through her things in the camper and got rid of a lot of stuff. tinker toys, jewelry, hot wheels, stuffed animals, curtains, rugs, toys, games..everything that was expired or things that were just plain unnessecary.
then I went to find her. I was half expecting to find her behind a Dollar General somewhere. I was half expecting to run into her at some thrift store.
instead, I found her in a house where she stays for less than 50 bucks whenever she can. with a storage unit that she can't pay for, car insurance she can't afford, and a license that is no longer suspended. breaking the news to her that I got rid of most of her things was so hard to do. I recorded our conversation. She is in pain. and it is everyone else's fault but her own. She is convinced that family is supposed to help you out no matter what. but does not consider that the same lies told over and over again will make anyone unwilling to help. I was picking up each thing and seeing what she saw when she held it for the first time in a thrift store or yard sale or the trash and it broke my heart to have to do what I did.
I did it because it needed to be done. My papa needed my help. he didn't ask me to do it. but I offered to do it. my mother feels entitled to the camper. she feels entitled to a lot of things.
I made mistakes of getting rid of the hot wheels and tinker toys. she told trevor that she was going to save them up to sell them to go on a trip. I have never known that lady to go anywhere beyond the beach. but I couldn't bear to tell Trevor that. instead, I said, "I wish that were true, Trevor James."
I did not apologize to my mother because if I was sorry, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. but I am sad for my little brother and my nieces because I took opportunities from them to connect with her. but I know that there will be plenty of other opportunities. unless she dies.
she says she has pains in her chest.
I wish she would just stop.
she says she is waiting for someone with cancer to die because she is in his will for 20,000 dollars.
I am deeply disturbed by the level of survival that my mother has to be in to survive.
she was sleeping in parking lots before she met the folks she lives with now.
I'm glad that I got to cry about it though.
