I dont understand my mother.
For years she has been in a blunder.
Consistantly inconsistant.
Her lies about sobriety eat me up inside.
I cant bare the thought of my little brother going through what my older sister and I have gone through.
I cannot demonize her for her addiction.
It is because she lives for nothing that she feels nothing and is in turn selfish instead of suicidal.
Suffering in misery and whoa is me
She may not know how silly she can be.
How I wish my mother would come back down from where ever she is headed.
She knows I am always the one to tell her exactly what she needs to hear.
Even though it falls bare on her deaf ears.
I cant understand my mother
So I cry and scream instead.
Living with my throat balled up and my waist twisted in spirals.
I cannot make her problems mine, but as always since the beginning of time I have been the one to violently defend her life
Probably because I'm the only one who finds her precious.
I wish she knew and realized that she is loved.
I wish she knew how hard it is to become a person that can stand alone.
Even when the idle hands operate with a pipe and lighter taking the space of love.
I wonder if she even cares.
I wonder if she realizes that she isnt who she has been.
I wonder if she realizes that this isnt her end.
That it's all fun and games until you're doing meth instead.
I hope that ome day my little brother can look at her the way I look at her..and protect her as I do.
I am not knowing of the things she believes she is capable to do.
Mayne she will lose my brother.
Maybe this is her final chance.
Maybe this Is the part where magically she just quits the bullshit and understands that theres more to life than bags of bullshit.
I wonder if she thinks "maybe this bag will do me in"
Each times she flicks it.
I wonder if she believes the lies she tells without words.
I hope shes alive one day to feel it.
I hope my mother is alive long enough to get it.
I hope my mother is alive long enough to see through my little brothers eyes, my eyes, my sisters eyes and just get it.
I wonder if she knows how selfish and how hellish this is for all of us within it.
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