kimberly @kimberlymichaela - Tumblr Blog

Three

I think I only turn to this platform when I’m at the brink of a breakdown, when I’ve come to a sudden realization, or when I feel a surge of emotions that rush over me. This time, it’s all three.

Honestly, there isn’t a thing for me to be unhappy about. I should be content. But hear me out, I have a theory. I’m convinced that some people are just built to be depressed. We can’t have everyone be happy after all right? What would that make the world? Boring. I think for a moment that I’m happy and that I’ve got my life together. I haven’t felt this in so long that I almost believed I’d been cured. Ha-ha, jokes on me. Moment’s over. Maybe I’m part of the ‘some people’ built differently. Wish I wasn’t.

This overwhelming feeling of dull - there’s no other way to put it. My insides feel disgusting, yet when I try to purge it out, the feeling doesn’t leave. Only bile does. My mind is constantly playing tricks on me, making me feel so spaced out and unfocused in this world. I can’t get a grip of my thoughts like I used to be able to. I can’t think straight.

Just when I thought I’ve finally moved on from that stage in life, I feel like I’m about to be dragged back under again. One step forward, three steps back. I don’t know how else to express these thoughts, these feelings, but all I can say is that it summarises into three.

holy shit

holy fuckin’ shit. i must have really loved you (and maybe i still do).

memories from summer twenty eighteen will always be my favourite. memories from summer twenty eighteen i’ll never fail to break me.

moved on, not

and i always think that i’ve completely moved on from you but each time i want to share something beautiful with someone, i think of you. i think of sharing the world and its beautiful sights with you. but we both know it’s fruitless and pointless and my brain knows it’s wrong but i miss you. i still miss you so. every nook and cranny of this city still reminds me of you and the beauty that you shared with me. why can’t we just have it easy like everyone else? why do i feel so lonely with everyone who’s not you?

and then i can tell myself not to ride along with you. i had all and then most of you, some and then none of you. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do - haunted by the ghost of you. take me back to the night we met. when the night was full of terror, and your eyes were filled with tears. when you had not touched me yet.

it still hurts. it still hurts and it burns and i’m still broken. after all this time. i thought it would’ve gotten better, easier, the second time round. but this time, i know there’s no getting past this.

there is not a single soul in this world who could ever comprehend this feeling, for it is something so indescribable that even the best novelists cannot explain it capturing all that it entails.

so then we revert to our vices to get ourselves numb. but even with my vices this feeling holds onto me. it doesn’t cradle me. instead, it grabs on so tightly it leaves scratch marks that burn on the inside and outside.

this time, i’m better at ignoring the pain. my tolerance has increased along with the intensity of the burns. i will not react. i will have control.

i promise myself i will not fall again.

(edited: it sucked, it really did. a few months, a couple of distractions and cheap thrills later, i’m numb. i wouldn’t say i’m okay but i found it in me to forgive you for betraying us. i will always love you, but not in that same way as before. i lost a part of my soul to you and i hope you take care of it. i still stand by my promise - i will not fall again. it’s too dangerous.)

wru

sometimes life gets so dark and things get so tough that i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. i’m internally screaming and crying out - silently hoping to be understood. i feel myself slipping, falling, slowly self-imploding but i refuse to be led down that same dark dark road. but i’m scared. please save me.

When was the last time you got lost?

We're all just tiny specks of dust in this universe that it's so hard to not get lost. When I was 10, I wandered away from the parents in the bustling city of Hong Kong. Some dazzling lights and an amazing firework display caught my attention and I was not once afraid. When they finally "found" me, I hadn't realised I was “lost”. I was punished into never wandering off or getting "lost" again. When I was 16, we were forced to choose our future career/education paths. The adults repeatedly and relentlessly shoved their opinions down our throats to make sure that we chose the "right path". Hey, counsellors, I chose the "right path", but why do I still feel so lost? When I was 19, I fell in love with a boy who never failed to make me feel like I was crazy - attributing every argument and always pointing accusing fingers at me when things turned sour. I was so blinded by "love" that just when I thought we were perfect, he said it was all over. I was lost in translation. And then I realised I lost him. It took 10 long months of convincing to realize I was not crazy, but what for? Because in the end, I still felt lost without him. When I was 20, I found alcohol. It felt so good to lose my mind and to forget everything but I didn't realize that I was losing a part of me. I lost control, and I lost all my savings. I lost friends and I lost emotions. But the alcohol numbed it. It justified my habits. I lost my mind. At 21, lost had gained such a negative connotation that I painstakingly avoided getting lost. I didn't want to be lost, to feel lost, or to lose anything at all. I didn't want to be lost in space and time, lost in translation, to feel lost when thinking about my future plans or to be in any way lost. But then I made a choice. I made a decision that forced me to take a leap of faith and I got so lost - all at once and in every way possible - in space and time, in translation and some might say I lost all my good senses but I beg to differ. Because this time, I had planned to get lost. I was in control. Isn't it strange how life is? In a place where nobody could understand me, I've never felt so understood. In a place so foreign, I have never felt so at home. In a place so different, I felt like I belonged.

In a place so far away, I was so lost but I've never thought that I would be so found. I found myself in a land where I was meant to be lost.

#300 writing prompts #personal

Vietnam, 2017

I could write a long post about everything I felt for on this trip, but this is one of those beautiful memories I won't share publicly, for fear that it will dilute its intimacy.

#da lat #vietnam #enreach #personal

SMU Labs x National Gallery

Never felt like I was ever any good at Portrait Photography. Honestly felt like I lost the touch of shooting and editing, but I realised my edits are a reflection of my mood at the present moment. Guess you could say I let my emotions run my edits. Guess you could say I’ve been feeling pretty mellow and balanced lately.

#junxiang #national gallery #singapore management university labs #singapore

Mother’s Day Eve

This Mother’s Day was amazing. Heck, this past week has been amazing. The family decided to head down to Verdure Café up North (Upper Thomson Road). Food was great, then we went down to Upper Peirce Reservoir and Punggol Waterway Point! Here’s to better days ahead.

#verdurecafe #family

Artbox Singapore 2017

Headed down to Artbox Singapore 2017. My calls are always so impromptu. "Yo bro, you free this afternoon? Yeah? Okay cool, meet ya at Bayfront at 5". Always thankful for spontaneous friends.

It was the first day of the second, and also the last, weekend of Artbox Singapore 2017. The event supposedly started at 3pm, but when we got there at 3.10pm, the venue was beyond crowded. Claustrophobic is an understatement of what everyone was feeling there. Is there another stronger word for claustrophobia?

The queues were insanely long. The first thing we decided to do was to get to the photobooth, because pictures last even when memories don't. Got two strips of printed pictures for $10, which in my opinion, was over-priced, but frankly, what isn't in Singapore?

We got a drink for $5, then decided to try the Dragon's Breath ($6) which are fundamentally just meringues mixed with Nitrogen gas so that when you eat it, "smoke" leaves your mouth. Afterwards we got some Cookies & Cream Pancake Donuts for $6. It wasn't that spectacular but still edible. We squeezed through the crowds and managed to get some Chippy's Smoked Spicy Sausage w/ Mash for $6 - this was honestly the best food we had at the fair.

Deciding that we didn't want to have to continue squeezing with other sweaty bodies, we left to get some llaollao at The Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands. She decided to leave, and friend two came by.

Round 2 of battling the war of sweaty bodies. I don't know how it was possible, but it became even more crowded till the point that they were controlling the amount of people entering the event. Yikes. Feeling extremely hot and dehydrated, we thought that some Thai Milk Tea would do us good. Wrong, so wrong. Don't trust $2 Thai Milk Tea. Thankfully, the Ramly Burger ($4) came by to save the day. While queueing, we spotted some dude holding a really pretty coloured drink. Challenge accepted, time to find the hipster coloured drink.

Pushed through the crowd a little more, and after queueing for 40 minutes, we finally got our Paddle Pop and Captain America drinks ($5 each) from Chupitos. Sadly, they were non-alcoholic, but all's good, the flavours of the drinks did not disappoint.

Ended up sitting along the sidewalk by the carpark because it was way too crowded and we wanted out. 8pm, and friend three arrived. No more round 3 of war for these three tired souls. To Boat Quay instead we went.

#artbox #artboxsingapore #artboxsingapore2017 #singapore #food #foodfair #gallery