Caught In Transition
Hey.
So it has been a year and (almost) 6 months since I moved in to Canada. For most immigrants this amount of time is more than enough for them to have fit in and live the lives that they ought to live. In my case, (cliche as it sounds) it is like sitting on a rocking chair, yes I’m moving but never really getting to where I am supposed to be heading, somewhat like that.
Right now my Canadian RN dream is still on hold and I’m way behind my suppposed to be “timeline” of getting things done. Upgrading one’s profession here is never a joke. You get to go through series of assessments, exams and whatever it is that their system would think of to throw at you on your way to your goal.
Few weeks ago when I found out that I couldn’t make it to the January bridging intake I thought to myself “What am I going to do again for the next 10 months (more or less?”. I have already spent more than a year literally doing nothing and wasting my time alone in the house. Do I have to do “nothing” again for the next 10 months?
The thought of I-am-the-only-one-to-blame tookover my brain. For the past year and 6 months I was only “legally” employed for 2 months. Yes I have been working in current “job” for over a year now but it i not the kind of job that you want to talk about with your family nor with your husband’s friends. I can’t even use in applying for a credit card account or whatever it is that needs a “legit” income generating job.
I’ve tried my luck in applying to several jobs, from caregiver to sales associate, name it. Sometimes I make it until interview but after that I never heard from those employers again. During the earlier times everytime this happens I would tell myself “You didn’t make it because you are destined to be a nurse, not a bakery clerk/sales associate.” But right now, after the school “rejection”, I am quite lost for words and doubt myself if am I really meant for this country or if would anyone ever hire me before I set foot to school? The questions could go on...
Right now these thoughts feed my insecurity and nobody ever understands. They say I should be enjoying because I have all the time. Were they ever left alone in their house? Talked to no one in almost a week? Woke up in the morning and realized nothing is at store for you on that day or the whole week should I say? Wait for someone to send you a message, just asking how you are doing to no avail? And always end up blasting “friends” and “family” with messages because you always have all the time in the world? eating two meals max in a day since you don’t have anything to do to burn all the calories of what you’re eating anyway? doing one house chore a day since you have the whole week to do the rest? In short, taking my time with everything because I have all the time, right?
Before moving here I honestly never had any expectations on what my life would be like. Maybe because I was still grieving with Papa’s passing? Or maybe because I was too excited to finally be making my “Canadian dream” come true?
Somehow it was a good thing that I never had any expectations of how my life is going to be here. But never in my mind that I ever thought of being in my current situation now. The feeling of being stuck sucks big time. I feel so useless, so useless that if I go missing no one would really know and would care to look for me. Basically I don’t exist. -- > someone close to me told me this once and this line resonates everytime I am at my lowest lows (which comes very often).