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@kin-tun
SAYS THE LAMP THATāS AFRAID OF THE DARK: TAKES LESS ENERGY TO WITHER THAN BLOOM USE YOUR GOD GIVEN STRENGTH; TO STRANGLE YOURSELF IS EASIER THAN BREATHING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE EVERYONE SAYS THAT YOU SHINE EITHER BELIEVE THEM OR DIE WITH THE(M)OTHER FUCKING COWARDS
lately iām thinking that maybe i have an obsessive personality. i grab things and latch on to them and give them all of my energy all at once. iām not so good at seeing the bigger picture or doing things half way. but then i eventually hit a wall or lose interest and end up doing EVERYTHING half way. i remember being a kid, every labor day weekend we would go to family camp. we slept in cabins and rode bikes everywhere and swam in a lake that had a zip line into it. we ate in a big mess hall and there were family events every night. this was back during the day of saturday morning cartoons, we only had like 3 channels at my house so saturday mornings were next level. i remember seeing previews all week for some special episode of pokĆ©mon where pikachu and his friends were getting into some real nitty gritty heartfelt shit & i was so looking forward to it. then i realized it was the same weekend as family camp. obviously i would never have skipped family camp for 30 minutes of cartoons but that feeling of missing out on something that moves you for another thing that moves you. i think thatās how i feel now. i remember being a kid and having cartoons really give meaning to life. idk if that sounds stupid. but it gave you a whole different world outside of the one weāre born in. there are beautiful parts to the world but literally everyone gets the shit end of the stick at some point. clearly itās varying degrees. iām not in any way a person that is oppressed. but i have always been unhappy with the world we've been born into. i always thought school was stupid and jobs were stupid and money is stupid. i always wanted to leave. i have always been mad that i did not ask for or agree to this but i got it anyways. again i am hugely aware of how easy it is for me to exist in this society compared to people who are actually marginalized. i just have a bone to pick with the whole shit. and thatās the frustrating part. i have only ever been mad but donāt have any good answers for better ways that it could be. i think our society is shit but without it i donāt see any way for things like medical advancement & without the medical advancements we have had i donāt see any way my sister or my mom could be alive. i guess maybe i would fall into that category too depending on how you want to look at it. all of this is beside the point. the point is that feeling of missing out on pikachu for something more important. the point is that we have to choose eventually. we can either eat the cake or have the cake. i have chosen to be in love with someone that loves me back. that takes so much work, both conscious and passive. functional love that loves you back over the thrill of winning someone over with effort and heart ache. to work towards permanent love you have to give up a lot of freedom. youāre happy to do it, but that doesnāt change the fact that itās happening. i think total honesty is probably the goal, or at least it was my goal for a long time. but what about the parts of yourself you keep quiet to keep ppl comfortable. my friend dan gave me a bike yesterday. i havenāt had one since i was in japan. riding around aimlessly, listening to music and looking for the point. or at least looking for something i hadnāt seen before. i donāt want to go to jail but i donāt want to be afraid of going to jail. i donāt agree with anything. the government, the economy, any system of power seems to be inevitably abused. we didnāt ask for this. we were born without our permission and told to deal with it. when i read the hunger games i imagined myself being selected. i said i would sit there and die on purpose, so i could go out on my own terms, not be made into anything i wouldnāt want to be. maybe thatās how iām approaching life. maybe i don't want to claw my way into any conventional success. maybe i donāt want to coast my way into success either. maybe i just want to be me, follow my unimportant whims. like a bird or a dog. find food and think of now. only ever think of now because now is all there ever is. itās irresponsible though to be like that. fuck the president, fuck our country, fuck the police, fuck any decision that prioritizes an economy over the well being of living things. i donāt want to be trapped in a box where iām only allowed to be positive. i want to sleep and sleep and have lucid dreams. i want to choose from infinity. i want to fly & i want to sing well & i want to be left alone. i want to stop looking for things i almost had because there are things i have been given. without question or proof of concept. there are things that have found me & expected nothing more than what i am. showed no signs of looking for something better. i want to sit and say thank you instead of wondering who the fuckās idea this was.
what if we bought up a bunch of celebrity hair off ebay and put it in some polyjuice potion and then just porked each other for a while
just for fun
sup u skinny legged lil mfs im alive iām alive iām alive i got 2 pounds of liver cut out of me and stuck into my mom sheās alive sheās alive sheās alive, you ever feel like you werenāt you for a while but now you are? like that feeling when you get back from vacation. like if your whole life was just the car ride home from a week at the beach. every day over and over 5 hours in the car, carrying all your things inside and up the stairs, resettling. when i die please find my phone please open the notes app please read everything i have ever jotted fine every facebook status and every stupid thing i put on this stupid blog when i was stupid and proud to be stupid when i was an explosion and not the ashes that fell back to the ground n blew around in the wind. i have written lots of songs, lots of poems, made videos now i even fly. every day i go to the park and iām a humming bird. i fly too fast and lack control. i flip and roll and dive and sauce on anyone and everyone in sight. iām think in the middle. not fat and not skinny. sturdy, couldnāt be broken in two. scar tissue like a hockey stick, scar tissue like a pirate with an open vest. staying up late, sleeping all morning. starting days at 10 and eating breakfast at noon. this whole time iāve been here iāve been poor. when this blog started i ate top ramen and watched naruto. now i eat shin ramyun and hold my breath until the new one piece chapter drops. been eating shin ramyun since 2014 i guess. spring break at johns house. caught up on one piece in 2015, when my heart was just broken to bits. break down, like the relient k song. i havenāt been so weak or downtrodden in a long time. way worse things can happen than not getting loved back. sometimes you do get loved back and even then there are weird days. i start a salary job. curious to see if i can put every dollar off my paycheck towards my student loans and get out of debt in one year. salary after taxes and debt are about identical. i donāt think it can work like that. sometimes it feels noble to refuse making money doing things you love. ppl ask to pay me sometimes. ppl offered to give me money for recording 15 second videos of encouragement for loved ones. thatās the difference. now i am an encourager and not a commiserator. ppl used to make money off tumblr, maybe they still do. idk that anyone still uses this place since they took the boobs away lol. i only got hate mail one time for posting a huge wall of text that someone didnāt like scrolling past. i realized for all my talk, i havenāt ever actually believed in myself. i have wordlessly put limits on myself in every single capacity. i am so easily satisfied just be being proficient at things. being just good enough to hold my own. no one has ever me but me, usually before i even started. ima try and stop being like that. ima try and stop being a hater. ima try and stop being a hater. i donāt care about coworkers and coffee tables. i still canāt tie a tie. my hair hasnāt ever been thick but it gets thinner and thinner. if my scalp had ribs you could see them. i need a day that lasts a year. i need to sit and figure everything out. iāve never had a passion. at least since i was 15 and fell in love the first time. before that i just wanted to play soccer. wanted to go away where there were no responsibilities and just play soccer. just play. iām the same way now. i wouldnāt work if i didnāt have to. i found a way the work 4 months per year since 2015. i like that life. i like hobbies i like hanging out. my best friends are too far away. my second best friends live 5 minutes away. we are all locked inside. we are all locked inside. one i took a hit n walked down king street and thought maybe i only like such pretty girls bc ppl will think iām cool if they like me back. once when i was a kid, just a middle schooler i peed on a strangerās grave in a cemetery. i just didnāt get it. i didnāt understand how much you shouldnāt do that. iām sure iāve written that somewhere before. honesty is the best policy:::: yāall want me to write a poem real quick?? here we go
youāre shaking puffy eyes water with salt in it
red and swollen you keep saying youāll fail again what kind of attitude is that? i ask defeatist i answer you threatened to leave me in mexico city hop a place to costa rica looking back you say youāve never told anyone you would leave them because it felt cruel to say it when you really meant it i think itās counter intuitive predictable and easy thatās all iāve ever asked for easy easy just let me breathe if i had my way i would never learn a thing just sit and rot and bore myself to death the best thing i have done is open my arms reluctantly to suffering ā- poem over, see that one is trash but i just cooked it right up, i never look back or edit. i donāt have a gallbladder anymore so i shit 2 seconds after i eat.
tens of fifteens tonight is a night when i think everyone is stupid like every other night
Ā chapter 918
donald trump is wack as fuck lately i been thinking everything we do is pretty much a means for creating class distinctions almost everything you do is done in an attempt to make u feel like youāre better than someone or at the very least itās done in an attempt to make u feel like someone isnāt better than you i went to japan and lived in a tiny room and leaned against the wall and laughed at memes heartily, regularly, like i could breathe but this girl lived next door and she could always hear me laughing she would watch porn and masturbate over there but quietly so i never heard her a girl from bangladesh lived in the room on the other side of me she was rly good at english but not native because one time she said āi have to babysit this nine year old guyā now she goes to college in italy on a full ride for her masters program in economics we were only kinda friends, not besties but on ok terms when she left a weird guy moved in next door he looked like woody harrelson and invited me to teach with him in mexico i never replied to the message but iām going to mexico anyways, not to live with him and teach full time for 300 bucks a month, just to visit a city that looks nice and sleep in an air bnb for a month with my girlfriend the one that heard me laughing at the memes, the one that came next door to cook ramen in a tea kettle there were lots of manga pages on the walls, like wall paper, i bought shonen jump and tire out each page and taped in carefully in place i left them there when i left bozebeats and my hero academia and one piece because itās my favorite one time we had sex too loud and the weird dude next door heard it i think he said the next morning, i know what you did last night do you want to tell i didnāt so i didnāt āā part 2 iām in love with a girl that doesnāt like my white shoes she never even saw me wear them in real life, only in pictures her mom is in 200,000 dollars of debt i couldnāt breathe i donāt think only do, tomorrow morning iāll pack my bags or maybe the afternoon, i donāt check, only carry on just like the time i went to japan for 3 months i met an old lady that didnāt drive well, but i still rode in her car, didnāt die, didnāt care if i did i bought a bike with a sticker on it that said MILK iām allergic to dairy but it turned out alright. matte black. i thought i would get the purple one but matte black just seemed so cool. we rode around a lot. miles and miles that we called kilometers. there were cherry blossoms but no cherries. u had to taste them w your eyes. gently. when they get older the pink turns white. theyāre all old now but itās a good thing. welcome. shimada san told me the japanese donāt like things too flashy. subtlety is best and no spicy foods salary man SWEATS buckets i ate curry from a bag for 1 dollar i visited an onsen with the girl that heard me laugh, the girl that makes me laugh an old guy kept offering to take pictures of us nice and nude he gave us a drink like fizzy lemonade master roshi but with less respect for personal boundaries we ran out of money damn shared one bowl of curry with rice built up like a dam so really it was only half a bowl all i did was worry about money like always āāā- part 3 a giant pink stain on the floor bleach baseball in the spring we cheered for a team with a carp for a mascot lucky us today i did push ups and listened to lazy eye i didnāt think until now iāve been waiting for this moment all my life when my mom wasnāt here we called her the spoon lady every morning before i could teach i had to listen to that song called gold soundz i has forgotten until today but it helped like a talisman or an amulet like getting off the train and feeling like youāre home like letting go of your hand because someone might see because we know people here i came home to my moms house and spent the day alone, paralyzed by nothing my mind plays tricks on me iām not immune to poison like i used to be the opposite of monkey d luffy my legs work but i havenāt told them where to take me and iām worries i never will i was pulling weeds lots of them sweating buckets, burned up by the sun with a stinging elbow i want to drink one of those aloe drinks that costs 15 baht i keep feeling like the real me died or something. but i have a lot left to learn
we can turn these into the good days by surviving them
we out here feelin goooooooooooooood, feeling handsome and powerful, feeling as if my diamond skin was as strong as it is brilliant
snake boy article hands arm concrete fists for smashing what is awful
