❛ NO ONE likes to hear the truth ——- and BELIEVE ME i know i have demons on my shoulder and i don’t need anyone to point them out. i know that everything i just said about you could EASILY be turned around on me and that’s the DIFFERENCE between the both of us. ❜ he can see jack gearing up to leave but a bold hand reaches out to snag him by the crook of his elbow, not an ounce of ire in his gaze as he attempted to keep jack there longer, ❛ i’m not trying to FIX YOU, i’m trying to tell you that whatever it is that we’re doing isn’t WORKING for me anymore. ❜
and just like that he’d said it, the words he’d been avoiding for weeks because knox didn’t want to bring it up. didn’t want to sound like he was ending something that WASN’T even a THING. but there it was. the fact now laid out between them like the awkward friend in the room. knox let go of jack, fully expecting him to leave now. though ( he was loathe to admit it ) knox found that he did NOT want jack to leave. but who was he to say that? certainly not his BOYFRIEND.
❛ i’m EXHAUSTED by it, i’m too old to play GAMES like this. this constant yo-yo between trying to KILL each other and fucking like it’ll MAKE UP for it, ❜ voice softer now, knox didn’t feel like screaming, didn’t want to combat jack’s raised voice as he turned. grabbing the beer he’d left unfinished and necking it for a moment. steely gaze traveling back to jack for a moment more.
❛ if you want to LEAVE, that’s fine, i’m not gonna STOP you. but i’m also giving you the option to STAY and figure this shit out. because, despite what you might think, i don’t HATE YOU. ❜ a sigh leaves cracked lips as he finishes off the beer and fishes in pockets for his cigarettes, the need for release making his hands shake.
❛ we both have DEMONS, this isn’t a competition on who’s more FUCKED UP. but i think you needed to hear it, no matter how ANGRY it made you. because eventually you’re gonna have to face those DEMONS. hell, i’m not even there yet with my own. but someone slapped me in the face with how FUCKED UP i was and in the end i thanked them, maybe you’ll THANK ME one day too. ❜ with that, knox turned on his heel and retreated to his back porch. slamming the door behind himself and assuming that jack would leave.
he couldn’t BLAME HIM if he did.
he isn't sure what the hell to even SAY to that, not really. part of him thinks he isn't supposed to say anything at all. jack jolts the way he usually does when someone grabs him suddenly, and it's a very near thing that he doesn't retaliate. instead he TUGS his arm away from knox and coils in on himself. whatever this is—he's reluctant to admit it, but the other man is right. this isn't working for either of them, hasn't been for a while.
he’s not sure it ever DID.
not that he really knows what to call this... thing. he's not even sure he can call themselves friends. they're not lovers, not enemies just—SOMETHING. when he finally looks up at the other man, it's not to respond but to watch him for a long moment, unable to form the right words to say.
and then knox is out the door, and at first jack stays where he is. there's a part of him that thinks he should go while he still can. there's NO REASON for him to even come back here anymore except that he just wants to. and that's the fuck of it—he can scream that he HATES him and say those awful things———— ...but he doesn't, not near as much as he claims.
he doesn't know what he FEELS most of the time. examining it too closely just... isn't an option. not for jack.
he looks back toward the door, and then he's SLOWLY moving toward it, stepping across the floor like even the wrong move might set something off. he even hesitates before he finally pulls the door open, lingering there while knox smokes those disgusting menthol cigarettes he’s grown to HATE and yet not, if only because he associates it with the other man.
even saying the other man's name does SOMETHING to him that he can't explain. he says it like his chest is going to cave in, like he can barely breathe. he already feels overdramatic. he already feels like he shouldn't be here. yet the thought of leaving hurts.
it hurts, and he wishes it DIDN'T.
