Well Here We Are @king-anvl - Tumblr Blog

Maybe one day I will get better.

i want the world to stop for like 1 year so i can rest

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t mind when friends ask me about my loved ones who passed like asking for stories even if they never got to meet them. Like genuinely want to hear about them. Because it makes me happy someone wants to hear about them and the fun memories , and I feel like they aren’t forgotten then.

starwarsgrl77

A part of me is missing

noknowshame

Did you ever keep my notebook like how I kept the pen?

king-anvl

I used to be a very sad person. Everything i had felt was just sadness and emptiness. There would be times my soul lit, things to look forward to. But generally sad. I grew up thinking no one would ever love me, and that i needed to prove whoever taught me that wrong. It finally came to ahead when i met someone and it felt like a lightbulb turn on. I felt alive and i felt full. Not only did i feel those things about a person, but i felt those things about a place i had been to thrice before.

Things happened and i was young and stupid, i was scared and i felt alone. So i tried to leave and tried to stay in the place that felt right in my soul.

Things happened again. Getting calls about how my brother was suicidal without me, how i was the glue to the family that was already so broken, how i was needed and needed. How family always comes first. As the oldest sibling, as the constant glue and constant steady pilar of the family, i went back. I went back and my brother wasnt suicidal, he was angry. I went back and the family i had was irreparably broken. The money i had was now gone and still gone.

I was so happy, so content in my soul for just a few months. It was like Icarus flying, entranced for a brief moment.

I gave up everything to come back and take care of a family that didn’t appreciate me. That put their anger on me. I was the steady punching bag that everyone used instead of going at each other.

I lost my mind, i was so broken and so sad again but this time its because i lost my wings. The constant fighting, the lack of respect, the feeling of never being good enough to want in their lives just needed for their own purposes. I mentally broke down and checked out.

Over the years i have had some mental breakdowns where i live with so much resentment and regret eating me alive. Over the years, i realised that no one will ever care for me because they want to. My soul is tired, I havent been able to feel much these past several years.

That is until 7 weeks ago when my cousin is staying with us before he moves to the place my soul had called home. Because he too fell in love with someone and someplace around the same area as I.

He didnt go back to his family like i did. He is going to live the dream that i had tried to. And im fucking angry. He has people that love him and want to make sure he succeeds. He has people that care about him because they just want to. His fiance is here now too, and i see what could have been.

And they tell me that I have a chance to go back to visit them, to see them married, to be there again. They gave me unwanted hope. And im so fucking angry. If i go back there, what will happen? Will i feel home? I cant find out. It will break me again and this time, i wont come back.

king-anvl

I’m not going. It broke me finding that out. I think I cried for several days just mourning the fact that I’m missing his wedding, I’m missing the chance to go visit places I had went to. I’ll never find out if I will feel something like home again.

I don’t think I’ll ever go back to Scotland. I don’t think I’ll ever leave America. It’s so bad here, especially for people like me.

I hope my cousin knows how lucky he is. I hope he knows he’s free.

I mourn what was and what could have been.

king-anvl

I wanted this year to be different. Why am i always alone. I cant do this anymore, i really cant. Im so tired of being the strong one only for those who needed my strength to not give any sort of damn about me. I sacrificed so much and i have nothing. I can’t do this. I cant do this. I cannot do this anymore. When i was a kid i never got comforted. I was the one who had to comfort. I wish it was different. I wish someone could hold me and tell me things will be okay but there isnt anyone here. I never got softness. To be treated gently. I cant even comprehend what that would feel like. I wish everything was different. I just want to sleep and not wake up until its a different life

king-anvl

6 months later and it’s just worse. I came back to America because my mom said my brother was going to kill himself. It was a lie. Almost ten years later, I’m now the parent to my mom who can’t take care of herself. All she has done is spend money she doesn’t have and expect me to save her. And I keep saving her because I have nothing and no one else. I managed my finances and I’ve been doing good only to turn around and see that she’s close to getting her car repossessed, the electricity about to go out, maxed out credit cards, and her almost doing something to land her in even more financial ruin. And she’s dragging me down with her.

All I wanted was a life to be happy. I came back with a plan but it’s never worked out due to things not in my hands.

I look back with so much regret. So much sadness. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve done things I’ve regretted. I’m better now though, calmer. More accepting.I don’t have any vices. But I’ve went from desperate to just a shell. A corpse along for the ride on the rollercoaster of life.

I just wish it wasn’t like this.

I wish I was more.

francisforever2014

how do you just get up and deal with the fact that there’s a last time for everything. there was a last time you sat on your dads shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there’s going to be a last time you hug your best friend. there’s going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there’s going to be a last time that person says i love you. i need to lay down