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Those Pesky Distorted Thinking Patterns

I just realized that I have never posted this list that I received years ago from our recovery ministry at our church. So many of the issues we deal with in counseling are related to one or more of the following patterns of thinking. The interesting thing is that the “thinking” is actually generated by feelings: “If I feel it, it must be true.” If you have been in counseling for any amount of…

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#Distortions

The Value Of Adaptability

Last Sunday night the winds were brutal. The kind you can’t ignore even with earplugs and double-pane windows. It left downed branches and leaves all over the front and back yards. But you would have thought that we would have heard the tree fall over. As I said the wind was loud. Well, the wind also knocked out the cable internet. But at least we have a hotspot for backup. Or so we thought. It…

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Depressed In Maui

It was our nineteenth or twentieth wedding anniversary and we were in Maui staying at the beautiful Aston Mahana in Honakaa on the west side just north of Kaanapali. The problem was: I was depressed. We were in counseling back home and I was going through a spiritual and emotional struggle. I had just bought a business, which meant leaving behind my dream of a career in music. Two worldviews were…

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#Choice

Do You Have Toxic People In Your Life?

Over the years I have often talked about balancing the kinds of relationships that we are exposed to as we move through our daily life. Some relationships we have a lot of control over and others less so. In our work life, many of the relationships are predetermined and we take them as they come, making decisions about how emotionally close we get “on the fly”. It is much the same with the people…

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#Toxic #Unhealthy

The Ultimate Gift

I have been thinking about what a gift from God it is to have a job and work to do. I have heard the pain expressed by people who have lost their jobs or have become unable to do the work they used to do. It is so unfortunate that many see work as a burden instead. I know that not all work is fulfilling. But I also see how a lack of purpose is soul killing.

I want to emphasize that I am not…

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Become An Expert At Reframing

I am going to write an opinion today. No, not political (heaven forbid), but an observation of what I believe largely leads to depression in many people: the lack or loss of control. It is probably pretty obvious, actually, when viewed through the lens of the grief process.

In order to deal with obstacles, we will go to one or more coping mechanisms. If our efforts fail to produce the results…

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They Say It's Your Birthday

They Say It’s Your Birthday

OK, so I am repenting. Every year I make my birthday hard for Nan. She asks me what I want for my birthday and I answer with something really unhelpful.

When I was young, I would ask for something way above our paychecks. “I want a Yamaha grand piano” or “I want a new car”. Not going to happen. At least not until we get above minimum wage earning.

A little later it became more ridiculous:…

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Are You Technically Prepared?

One of the most annoying things that most of us has had to adjust to is learning how to do things virtually. As counselors we had already been using a video platform for some appointments for quite a while before the pandemic hit. But what changed was most of those calls had been made from our office at church which had up-to-date equipment and a fast internet connection, not to mention an IT…

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The First Job Of A Leader

One of the things that I have been pondering for a few weeks now is a “pearl” that Tom, one of our senior pastors wrote to our staff. He said this:

“The first job of a leader is to define reality.”

It reminded me of a conversation in the old TV series “The Bill Cosby Show” between one of Dr. Huxtable’s kids and him. The kid was arguing for something they wanted.

“Why can’t I do that? We…

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#reality

Is This The New Normal?

I want to start out right from the beginning and answer this question. No, this is not the new normal. This is the new temporarynormal. It is new for sure. We have not been through this particular kind of situation before. But we have never had the same kind of tools at our disposal before, either. We can debate all day long if how we have addressed the current crisis has been the most wise or…

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Why I Write (Especially Now)

“History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new.“ Ecclesiastes 1:9

There is a story of two budding authors who went into a library for the first time. As they walked through the library they were both amazed. The first author exclaimed “Wow, there are hundreds of thousands of books here. What the world doesn’t need is another book.” The second…

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#calm #kindness

Facing the Challenges

I am thinking through the challenges of conducting our lives from behind the walls of physical isolation. I know that for some the need to sequester is seen somewhat as a vacation. These would be the introverts that are financially stable or have jobs that can be performed from home. It might be annoying or inconvenient for them, but not emotionally distressing.

But there is a whole other…

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Talking Clients Off The Ledge

Relationships, particularly marriages can have crisis moments. Not surprisingly they come when there is a threat to the stability of the couple or the family. There is no way not to feel a sense of panic when the word “divorce” is unleashed during a fight. Or it could be that a loved one is in an accident or diagnosed with a disease. The first reaction is intense because the outcome is unknown.

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Leaders Are Readers – Inside and Outside of the Home

I thought I would lighten up a bit this week and speak on something that is positive and important. And that is the subject of intentional self-study, especially for clients during the counseling process. I am so grateful and proud that one of the requirements of being on staff at our church, spelled out in our staff covenant, is a commitment to ongoing education and personal growth. I can tell…

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When You Lose Personhood

I have really been thinking about, and sharing in my counseling sessions, something I have recently read by Dr. Diane Langberg. She describes ‘personhood’ as having three elements: voice, power and relationship. And those are the things that we lose when we suffer abuse, whether physical, sexual, emotional or spiritual.

In any abusive situation our voice is diminished or ignored, and we are…

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#Personhood

Are You Weaponizing Counseling?

If you have been a church goer for any amount of time you have probably experienced or observed an elbow being nudged into an adjacent congregant. The message is clear: “Are you listening to this? This sermon is for you!” Or perhaps you have been the recipient of scripture verses being lobbed at you with the intention of criticizing or controlling you. Attention! You have been the victim of…

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Being A Father To The Fatherless

One aspect of counseling has been referred to as re-parenting. It’s purpose is to address parental inadequacies or misinformation acquired while growing up. It has nothing to do with the age of the client or the counselor. It is simply a reparative process. We use the Bible as a foundational source along with our experience to redirect our clients towards more successful outcomes.

But by…

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#fatherless

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