“It would be the normal reaction to have.” He wants to see outrage and disgust on her visage, but all he gets is an expression filled with understanding. It is easier for her to ignore his deeds. Her rose-tinted glasses have not come off yet.
“I have been myself for quite a while–ten years, I would say.” A heartless smile appears on his face, but there is no real effort behind it.
The world, unkind to him? Maybe so, but all he had done was hurt others with no remorse whatsoever: manipulating, killing, destroying many people for his goal–feeling so wonderfully alive while doing it.
“It is the self I have tried to ignore and turn away from by marrying you and pretending to be normal.”
Her laugh reminds Kirei of a time when he still held the slightest hope, before it turned into despair–and his mouth forms a thin line at the gentle kiss placed on his knuckles.
His hands have been soaked in blood so many times, skin and bones broken. It has happened again shortly before arriving here, as the priest fought against the boy he so envied (Emiya must have saved the Matou girl by now, how detestable).
He has been worn out, tired ever since he can remember. Tired of not understanding, of numbness, of not feeling in the right way.
“Why are you still trying?”
“ because i love you , dear . would you like to be admonished by me this much ? ”
he was tough to get to , but she knew this well enough . someone like him would be ... someone punished by not only those who were supposed to love him but by himself . it hurt her heart to see him still clinging to the suffering that had chipped away at him for so long .
“ ah , yes . ten years ... has it truly been that long ? i suppose it has been . in those ten years you have done terrible things , things you did because they got you closer to your goal . is that not what everyone does ? humans are terribly flawed beings -- we are all terribly flawed . ”
anyone constantly berated by the world around them would be exhausted , so she knew he had to be as well . her thumbs rub small circles on his hands as she holds them .
“ you’re tired of it all , yes ? you’ve been exhausted since before i even met you i’m sure ... pretending is tiring , constantly trying to get to something , anything , is tiring . ”
letting go of one hand , her hand reaches up to cradle a cheek once more .
“ you have punished yourself enough all your life . why are you still trying so hard to punish yourself ? do you truly believe you deserve such reckoning , such judgement ? you carry so much on your shoulders . you can put it down now and rest your weary heart . you’ve had enough judgement , enough punishment -- this is a gift . ”
