Kit “Gay Disaster” Herondale @kit-herondale-blackthorrn - Tumblr Blog

Dec 14, 2020

This isn't requested but I've been working on it it for a while and I finally finished so voilà!

5 times Kit had a panic attack and the 1 time Ty was there.

1. Jem

Kit wasn’t aware of how he got up on the roof of Cirenworth Hall. All he knows is that his father died a year ago today and Jace had come trying to cheer him up but the only person he wanted to be there with him was almost three thousand miles away.

Kit tried to even his breaths that were coming faster than normal. Kit let out an exasperated sound and tugged on his hair. Ty would know what to do. Ty always knew what to do. Kit continued tugging painfully at his hair while trying to remember what Ty had said to do while having a panic attack.

Thinking about Ty just made his breaths come faster. He hadn’t seen Ty in two months when he left without saying goodbye. It seemed that today was just a bad day. It had started out bad of course, with the knowledge that today was the day he saw his father killed by demons in front of him. Jace had tried talking to him but he had snapped at him and clammed up as he did with everyone he cared about.

When Jace had left Jem had come to sit with him and told him, in his gentle voice, that Jace had only been trying to cheer him up and he shouldn’t have yelled like that. Kit had been angry and sad and miserable and had snapped at Jem and told him he wasn’t Kit’s dad and he didn’t have any right to tell Kit what to do or what not to do. He hadn’t missed the way Jem’s face clouded with hurt before it was quickly masked.

He had run away as soon as he saw Jem’s reaction despite Jem calling after him. Kit had been cruel and he knew it. Why did he have to be such an awful person? Why did he mess everything up?

That’s how he ended up on the roof. He was vaguely aware that he was crying but he didn’t care. He deserved this. He deserved the pain that came with hurting the people he loved. He deserved this for yelling at the only other living relative he had. He deserved this for hurting Jem, his gentle being, the person it was impossible to hurt. His father. He deserved this for his blood father, who he could never impress, who was never there for him. He deserved his father’s hate though, how could he not?

He deserved it most of all for Ty. He deserved the pain, the tears, the agony, for what he did to Ty. He had earned Ty’s trust just to leave him when Ty needed him the most. He deserved it for leaving Ty and for breaking his promise to Livvy about being there for Ty.

He deserved all of this.

He could hear footsteps on the roof and another wave of anxiety washed over him, choking him and stealing his breath. Someone sat down next to him, they didn’t touch him which Kit had to be thankful for. Instead, they sat there for a moment before softly reminding Kit to breathe. As soon as he heard the voice he realized it was Jem.

Kit let out another pitiful sob and tensed when Jem put his hand on Kit’s knee. “Kid, son, I need you to breathe with me. Look at me and try to match my breathing okay?” Kit looked at him through blurry eyes. Jem was accentuating his breathing so that Kit could match it.

Kit’s breathing slowed before he was flooded with the words he had said earlier to Jem and he was losing his grip on his breathing again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated breathlessly. Jem cut his rant off by saying quietly, “Kit calm down. I’m okay, you’re okay. I know you’re upset but breathe Kit. Breathe.”

It took about ten more minutes but Kit’s breathing eventually slowed until all that was left was the tears streaming down his face and a slight lightheaded feeling. Jem moved closer and put his arm around Kit’s shoulders, pulling him close so Kit could lean into him.

Kit buried his face in Jem’s chest and took a moment to appreciate Jem being there. His father had never been there when he was upset. His father had hugged him once in his entire life and it was after his mother died. He didn’t remember it well. “I’m so sorry Jem. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.”

He could feel Jem sigh against him and then Jem was running his fingers through his hair. “You know, I used to know someone just like you once.” Jem said and Kit could tell by the nostalgic tone of voice that he was talking about his parabatai, Will Herondale, Kit’s ancestry from many years ago. “He thought that he hurt people, that all he did was hurt people, and he tried to distance himself from everyone who loved him because he thought those he loved got hurt.” Jem rested his chin on Kit’s head as he talked and Kit felt warmth growing in his stomach.

“He pushed people away and was always angry. He loved harder than anyone I have ever met and protected those he loved. He believed himself cursed and when he realized he wasn’t he couldn’t believe it because the people around him did get hurt. It took him a long time to accept that it wasn’t him that was hurting them, but the things around them. Things he had no control over.”

Jem sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think he would have ever actually believed it had it not been for Tessa and I. He was still hard on himself and he still thought that occasionally but he was better because he knew that it wasn’t his fault. The people around him getting hurt was never his fault.”

Jem pulled away from Kit and looked him in the eye. “Kit do you understand what I’m saying?” Kit nodded his eyes burning again but this time it wasn’t sadness. It was happiness.

Who knew, maybe Jem was right, maybe some things just can’t be helped. He knew he had a lot of things that were his fault, but that made him feel a lot lighter knowing he wasn’t to blame for everything.

“Thanks, dad.” Kit said quietly and watched a smile grace Jem’s ageless face. Jem got up and reached a hand out to help Kit up.

“Always.”

2. Tessa

"Kit! There you are!” Tessa said rushing towards him as he walked into Cirenworth Hall. He takes in her ragged appearance. Kit felt a smirk grace his lips. “Tessa I told you I was going on duty before I left.” Tessa frowned and crossed her arms, Kit’s smile wavered slightly. “Christopher I am aware you told me, but when Jem and I called you at least six times each we were a little worried.”

Kit frowned and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The phone screen was shattered and Kit looked at Tessa guiltily. “I’m sorry Tessa, it broke when the demon hit me.” Tessa’s face went from upset to concerned in half a second. Kit found himself smiling again at her motherly tendencies.

“I’m fine Tessa.” He said quietly. He still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable calling Tessa and Jem ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ no matter how much they insisted. He felt as if he were overstepping. They had taken him in and that was quite enough he didn’t want to burden them further. Tessa smiled and brought her hand up to his chin to search his face for injuries.

“Are you sure?” Tessa said giving him a once over and stepped back when she deemed him uninjured. “I’m okay really. Why were you and Jem calling me?” Kit asked curiously as he took his jacket and weapons belt off. Tessa seemed to come back to her senses and nodded suddenly all business again.

“Of course. The Blackthorns came to visit,” Tessa was still talking but Kit felt as if she had knocked the air out of him. The Blackthorns? Had come here? Had all of them come here? Was Ty here?

Kit was suddenly back at the lake with Ty. Begging him to stop, telling Ty that he could help him, confessing his love for Ty only for Ty to reject him. Ty saying that there was nothing for him there now that Livvy was gone.

Kit felt the earth shift below him and he stumbled. Someone caught his arm and a soft voice was saying something calmly. He couldn’t focus. All that was going through his mind was Ty Ty Ty Ty.

Tessa’s voice fluttered into his thoughts. She had a way to puncture anything to make herself heard. “Kit you’re okay. Hey, listen to my voice it’s okay. You’re here with me, Tessa, you’re safe. Kit it’s okay.” Kit tightened his hold on Tessa’s hand.

He was okay. No one was here. Ty wasn’t here. It was just him and Tessa. Just Tessa. He felt his knees give out and Tessa sank down with him, she gathered him in her arms and held him tightly. She started humming softly, he vaguely felt the vibrations against his head.

There was nothing wrong. He was okay. He didn’t need to freak out. He was safe in Tessa’s arms. She was safe. Kit’s breathing slowed down but Tessa continued humming. And Kit sat there leaning against her and let out a sigh.

“Thank you for grounding me.” Kit said when Tessa stopped humming. Tessa kissed the top of his head. “Of course darling.” Kit smiled at the endearment. “How did you know how to do that?” Kit asked quietly. Tessa ran a hand through his hair and when she spoke he could hear the smile in her voice.

“My first song, James, used to have them a lot and when his parabatai wasn’t there I had to snap him out of it. He wouldn’t respond to anyone other than Matthew and I.” Kit took that in. The fact that she did that was kind not everyone did.

But that wasn’t what he was stuck on. She had called James her first son, but he knew for a fact that she only had one son. Who was she talking about then?

“What do you mean your first son? You only had one son.” Kit says quietly, Tessa had to lean in to hear him. She pulled away from him and tilted his face up to give him a curious look. “I had only one son, but you are as much a son to me as he was Kit. You do know that right.” Kit felt himself freeze at those words. She really thought of him as her son? Not just someone she took in?

Kit felt his eyes water and threw his arms around her neck once again. Tessa gave a startled laugh and hugged him back. “Thank you so much.” Kit said through tears. Tessa was patting his back, “Of course dear.”

3. Jace

When Kit was told he had to go stay with the Blackthorn’s for two weeks he adamantly refused. They could and would not force him to stay there. No one but the Blackthorns and him knew exactly why he couldn’t and they didn’t try to understand they just told him he had to.

They were going for Clary and Jace’s wedding, at first Kit had been more shocked to hear that Clary had finally accepted than the fact that he was going to see Ty and his siblings. Kit knew he would be fine because it was only two days and he could avoid Ty for that long, but that was before Tessa and Jem had told him he was going to stay with the Blackthorns while they went on a secret mission.

They had barely gotten the words out before Kit started freaking out and refusing. Jem told him in his soft, comforting voice that he was going to have to stay with them and Mina was staying with Magnus and Alec since they had kids born within the same decade. Kit had only stopped fighting when Tessa had told him to stop in her ‘Don’t mess with me’ voice.

Which was how he found himself now angrily and anxiously packing with shaky hands and breaths. He just had to keep it together. Maybe he could just avoid Ty, it was improbable but it could happen couldn’t it?

Kit throws his book angrily against the wall and his annoyance lessened slightly at the loud THUD of the book hitting the wall. His hands had been shaking too much for him to hold it. He let out a loud frustrated groan before kicking his bed.

He immediately regretted it when he realized he wasn’t wearing shoes. Pain shot up his foot at lightning speed and Kit lost his ability to breathe normally. He felt tears start flowing down his cheeks and yelled loudly. No one was home so he didn’t feel the need to be quiet.

Kit falls on his bed with an aggravated scream. Why was he crying? He hated it when he got like this. He could be attacked by a demon and not break a sweat but as soon as he thinks about seeing Ty he suddenly forgets how to breathe. He hated that it had already been a year and Ty’s face still haunted his dreams.

He hated everything about it.

Kit’s ears rang and everything started getting dark as he cursed breathlessly. He could see his room in the LA institute and he could see Dru’s smiling face. He could see Julian looking at Emma as if she hung the world and faintly realized that that must be how he looked at Ty. He could see Christina and Mark and Kieran all smiles and blushes. He could see Ty on the beach with his headphones around his neck, his head thrown back mid-laugh. He saw how the sunset caused a halo to form around his face. He could see Livvy-

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a voice in his ear. “Kit, man, snap out of it. Can you hear me?” He could tell by their tone this hadn’t been the first thing they had said to him. He tried to open his mouth to say something but nothing was happening. His chest hurt as if all the air was expelled from his body. He couldn’t move and that just made his breaths come even faster.

He felt a hand on his and a voice, now considerably more gentle, whispering. “Kit, if you can hear me can you squeeze my hand?” Kit tried to squeeze hard, tried to use the hand clasped onto his to ground himself, but he only managed to flinch. “Okay, that’s okay. Do you know where you are? You’re at home, you’re here with me, Jace, in Cirenworth Hall. Tessa and Jem are out with Mina, it's just us.” Kit’s vision slowly started coming back.

He could just barely make out Jace’s curly golden hair. It only pushed Kit further over the edge when he realized that it was Jace.

Jace who was always so strong who never cried. Jace who had saved the world and was a hero. Jace who was currently watching his only living family member having a terrible panic attack. Kit scolded himself, Jace must think he was so dumb and weak. He had never met another Shadowhunter who had anxiety, sure Ty had his episodes but that was different. Kit was just messed up.

Jace continued talking. “Buddy you have to breathe. I know it’s hard but you have to try. Can you talk?” Kit shook his head urgently. Jace put his hand on the back of Kit’s neck, it was surprisingly cold and Kit found it helped ground him. Kit’s breaths evened slightly though he was still very shaky. His eyes were darting around the room taking in everything at once.

Jace moved his hand that was resting on Kit’s neck in favor of carding through his hair. “You’re okay. Can you tell me five things you can see?” Kit scanned the room again. “I-i see you, and m-my bed.” Jace nodded and continued running his fingers comfortingly through his hair. “That’s good three more.”

Kit swallowed hard and looked around the room again. “My b-books, my lamp, a-and my camera.” Jace nodded and pulled Kit closer to him Kit all but collapsed into him. “Okay now name four things you can touch.” Kit reached out his hands.

He reached towards Jace first. “Y-you.” He stuttered somewhat hysterically, Jace nodded his approval. “My c-comforter, and my pillow.” Jace nodded again. “Is your pillow soft?” Kit ran his hands over it again and laughed. “Y-yeah. I can feel my j-jeans too.” Kit could feel his breaths slowing down.

Jace hummed. “How about three things you can hear?” Kit sat quietly for a minute. “You.” He stated first, Jace laughed softly. “I always knew things revolved around me and here Clary was telling me they didn’t.” Kit found himself laughing, it was short but genuine. “I can h-hear the birds and the clock.” Jace raised an eyebrow and sat there listening.

“Man I didn’t even hear the clock.” Kit smiled and shook his head. How was Jace so good at this? “You okay or do you want me to keep going?” Jace asked him, searching his face. Kit hesitated before stuttering out, “Maybe one more? I-I mean if you don’t mind. Don’t f-feel obligated I-I’m-” He was cut off by Jace’s voice.

“What are two things you can smell?” Kit closed his eyes and sniffed. “N-Not to feed your fat ego b-but you.” Jace laughed and ruffled his hair, Kit leaned into the touch. He was hit by the smell of cookies suddenly and his eyes shot open. “Cookies? When did Tessa make cookies?” Jace burst out laughing. “Oh my god it takes you forever to snap out of panic attacks but you’re fine the moment you smell cookies?”

Kit froze and blushed looking down at his hands which were now clenched in his lap. Jace frowned at him. “No, I wasn’t being mean I was just joking.” Kit let out a feeble laugh that sounded fake to his own ears.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m not like that all the time I promise.” Jace sighed and moved his hands to massage Kit’s shoulders gently. Kit turned to him confused, did Jace not hate him? “It’s okay Kit, we all have anxiety sometimes. Yours is just worse.” Was that true? Did other shadowhunters have anxiety? It occurred to Kit then, that Jace had known exactly what to do to help him.

“How did you know what to do?” Kit found himself asking, cringing when it left his mouth unplanned. Jace just shook the look off. “I grew up talking Alec out of them. His parents were really hard on him so he was worse than you. He had at least three a week.” Kit looked at him confused.

Alec had anxiety? The brave, war hero Alec Lightwood, who was now the badass married to Magnus Bane and Inquisitor had anxiety? He wasn’t weak at all though, Kit thought exasperated.

Jace watched him with troubled eyes before hesitantly saying, “Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit. It’s something everyone deals with, some just show it more than others. If anything it makes you strong. Did you know people with anxiety have higher IQ’s than people who don’t? They also have a better ability to communicate with people. Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit, it makes you strong. It makes you who you are but it doesn’t control you.”

Kit mulled that over in his head. Sure he was smart but he didn’t ever think it had anything to do with his anxiety. Kit shook his head but Jace shook his head right back. “No, I’m serious. No more about that matter Kit it’s fact. Do you need help packing?” Kit looked around the rooms where books and clothes were lying everywhere.

“If you don’t mind.” He went to pick up a shirt before turning to Jace, his eyebrows knit together. “Actually why are you here? Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I was just wondering.” Jace laughed. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I had a feeling that something like that was going to happen.” Kit blushed at having been so predictable.

“Yeah. Sorry about that I’m fine now though.” Jace nodded. “You want to talk about it?” Kit stopped to think before nodding slowly. “It sounds stupid but I’m just scared to see the Blackthorn’s again.” Now it was Jace’s turn to look confused. “The Blackthorns? Why?”

Kit shook his head before closing his eyes and shrugging as if it was nothing. “I didn’t really say goodbye to them when I left. Nor did I thank them for everything they did for me.” Jace raised an eyebrow and Kit could tell from the look on his face that he knew there was more but he didn’t push it.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine Kit. You’ll be there with Jem and Tessa.” Kit shook his head and glared at his feet. “No, I have to go stay with them while Tessa and Jem go out on a mission. I wish I could just stay with Alec and Magnus or with you.” He looked up quickly. “I know you’re going on your honeymoon though so don’t worry about that obviously.”

Jace looked troubled and Kit cured himself again. “We could always put it off until Jem and Tessa get back. Family should be there for each other.” This time Kit cursed aloud shaking his head. “No, seriously Jace it’s fine. I’m getting worked up over nothing. You and Clary go and have fun! Not too much fun though.” Kit says grinning suggestively. When Jace didn’t even smile he sighed and met his eyes. “Jace I promise you I’m okay. I swear on the angel.”

Jace seemed to be comforted by that and clapped Kit’s shoulder. “Okay but you know if you send me a fire message I’ll be here as soon as I can.” Kit rolled his eyes. “I went from being alone to having an overprotective brother so fast I’m getting whiplash.” Jace threw his head back and laughed loudly.

It seemed everything Jace did was loud. Kit smiled at him. Jace. His family. He never thought he would get an older brother but here Jace was. Jace turned to face him again and grabbed the long-forgotten shirt off the bed before folding it.

“Alright let’s start packing.”

Kit and Jace spent two hours packing and by the time they came downstairs it was getting dark. Tessa set at the table feeding Mina while Jem was washing some dishes. Tessa looked surprised to see Jace there.

“Hello, Jace! I didn’t know you would be stopping by! How long have you been here?” Jace smiled kindly at her before pulling some faces for Mina who was giggling like crazy. “I just stopped by to check on Kit. I’ve been helping him pack the last two hours.” Tessa nods and gives Kit a knowing look.

“I would hate to see the state of your room if it took the two of you two hours just to pack,” Jem said from the counter with a smirk. Kit crossed his arms defensively. “We picked it up. We were just talking, that's what took us so long.” That was a lie and they all knew it.

Jace laughed easily before looking at the clock and grimacing. “I should probably get back. As much as I don’t want to.” He turned to Kit, “Izzy’s cooking tonight.” Kit and Jace shuddered. Izzy was a right terror in the kitchen. “She’ll have my head for missing it. It was lovely seeing you Jem and Tessa.” Jace said all smiles and charm. They smiled back and said the same.

Jace walked up to Mina before pinching her cheeks. “I’ll see you soon Miss Mina.” Mina giggled as Jace walked out of the room. Kit followed him to the door. Jace stopped and turned back to him when Kit opened it. Jace pulled Kit into a tight hug and said quietly, “Don’t forget I’m always here. No matter what, if you need me at any time, I’m here.”

Kit hugged him back just as tightly muttering an almost inaudible ‘thank you’ before pulling away. Jace turned to walk away stopping to wave to Kit one last time before he disappeared into the night.

4. Dru

Kit sat on his bed in the LA Institute. He had made it through the last four days. Jace’s wedding had been amazing. He hadn’t expected anything else since Clary, Izzy, and Magnus arranged it. Everything had gone smoothly. He hadn’t had to interact with the Blackthorns. He had to see them but he had managed to avoid Ty since there had been such a big turnout.

It had all gone well and then he had to face the Blackthorns. It had gone better than he thought honestly. Emma and Julian were passive-aggressive, Christina was kind as she always was, Mark and Kieran didn’t acknowledge him, Ty had left already with Tavvy so he hadn’t had to face him yet. Dru however, had slapped him across the face when she saw him.

He couldn’t blame her, he would’ve done the same thing. So he took it and smiled sadly at her trying his best not to cry and said, “I missed you.” Which had made Dru cry. She had hugged him tightly and then punched his arm hard when she pulled away.

When they had gotten back to the Institute they had all gone their separate ways. No one bothered to show him his room in case he had forgotten over the years where it was, it was a good thing he hadn’t.

He had tried to enter as quietly as he could, Ty’s room was opposite his and he didn’t want to bother him. He used to love the fact that it only took three steps to go from his room to Ty’s, now it just seemed as if fate was taunting him.

Kit was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to be with someone and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness soon crashed over him when he realized he didn’t have anyone he could go to. Kit watched as his hands moved restlessly and focused on breathing. It was helpless though as his hands started shaking uncontrollably.

Kit groaned and once again tried to calm himself down. “No no no no, not here. Not here.” he whispered desperately to no avail. Kit clenched his jaw and wrung his hands together. He was breathing in slowly but somehow that only made him more lightheaded.

Kit audibly whimpered when someone knocked on his door. There was no one here he wanted to see right now. He couldn’t. He had hurt all these people, not only had he hurt them but he had hurt Ty. Everyone was mad at him for that, understandably. The door creaked open and Kit squeezed his eyes closed, unwilling to let whoever was coming in see him cry.

“Kit are you alright?” They shouldn’t care. Why are they even asking? I hurt their own, worst of all I became one of them and then hurt their own.

I left Julian instead of helping him bear some of the weight like a good person was. All he cares about are his siblings, his children because that’s all he’s got left. Kit used to be someone he protected, someone he cared about, someone he could talk to. Now it’s like that time he spent with them vanished. He was now on the outside and was exposed to Julian’s cold side. But he deserved it. He deserved it he deserved it he deserved it.

“Kit breathe. You’re not breathing.” Kit let out a breath and started hyperventilating.

And then there was Emma and Christina, both so nice and so cold at the same time. Christina with her welcoming arms. She had woken him up from nightmares plenty of times, stayed in his room and sang him to sleep again as if he were a baby. And Emma, she had trusted him from the get-go and he let her down. He let her down and disappointed her but that’s all he was. A disappointment.

“Kit, you're scaring me just calm down.”

And then there was Livvy. His first kiss, his friend, his dead friend. He could see her of course, talk to her, but in a way that was so much worse. How was it that he randomly showed up in this family and ended up being the only one who could talk to her besides Ty? How was that fair? It wasn’t. Nothing that happened to Livvy was fair. It never would be. Kit couldn’t help but think that maybe if he had been better, quicker, if he had stayed with the Blackthorns instead of going with Alec that maybe he could have saved her. Maybe he could have taken her place. He had made a promise to her and broken it. He had promised to be there for Ty and he wasn’t.

“Kit slow your breathing. I don’t know if you can hear me but slow your breathing.

And then there was Mark and Helen. They had both been away for so long. They were family though none the less. Mark had gotten to spend a little time with Livvy before she died but Helen, Helen had gotten to see her once before she died. Kit had gotten to see her more than Helen did. That wasn’t fair either. Her sister and brother deserved more time with her than that.

“Christopher please!”

Little Tavvy, not understanding why Mark and Helen had left and come back when Livvy had left but couldn’t. Kit realized with a shock of pain that he was only getting Tavvy’s hopes up more. He had also left and come back but to Tavvy’s young mind he couldn’t comprehend why Livvy couldn’t. Tavvy was too innocent; he didn’t deserve anything that happened to him.

“Kit snap out of it!” Kit wasn’t aware of the hand squeezing his arm.

Then there was poor Dru. Her love of horror movies and gore once and for all was abandoned when she had to see her sister’s body laid out like a corpse in a movie. Except this wasn’t like her movies, this was real life. Kit cursed himself for not being there for her. How could he have left? What was he thinking leaving, just because Ty didn’t want him didn’t mean the others didn’t.

Ty. Everything that happened that night was burnt into his brain. The words, the tears, the exasperated determination. Kit didn’t mean anything to Ty but Ty meant the world to him. That wasn’t even the worst part in Kit’s mind. The worst part was that even though Kit meant nothing to Ty he still should have stayed and helped him through everything. Instead, he had left like the coward he was and left the freaking continent. He should have been there.

“Kit come on. Kit!”

He should have been there. He should have been there so Julian could get more sleep. He should have been there so Emma had someone else to spar with. He should have been there to help Christina pick up the pieces. He should have been there to help Tavvy with his nightmares. He should have been there to help Dru through her sword training. He should have been there to take the weight off the older siblings shoulders. He should have been there for Ty when his whole life was ripped away from him. He should have been there to shoulder the burden of being left alive.

“Kit!” He came back to the present when the person next to him struck him in the face. Kit groaned and brought his shaky hand to his face. He looked around. He was still in his bedroom, Dru was sitting next to him watching him with wide scared eyes. He didn’t know when it happened but he was slumped on the floor.

Kit took deep breaths steadily calming himself and within five minutes he had calmed down. He was glad that of all the people here it was Dru that had come in. Kit let a shaky breath out and let a few tears fall. He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

Dru grabbed his hand and squeezed, Kit squeezed back reassuringly. Dru let out a breath and hugged Kit tightly. “Don’t do that to me! You scared me!” Kit held her close and rested his forehead on her shoulder. Panic attacks always drained him afterward. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I should have been here. I’m sorry.” Dru pulled away slightly and shook her head.

She ran her fingers through his hair and he calmed marginally. He was struck then by how much she had grown up. She was still scared easily but she had matured a lot. “Kit, it’ll be okay. It took time and you’re damn right you shouldn’t have left but it’ll be okay. They’ll come around. I promise they will.”

Kit looked at her through teary eyes, “And you?” Dru stayed quiet for a moment before sighing. “Kit, I don’t think I was ever really mad. I’m glad you’re back but I was upset you left and that you left Ty when he needed you most. But know that I forgave you a long time ago.” Kit just cried harder at that.

She didn’t hate him. She was glad he was back. Maybe it wasn’t a lost cause maybe he could prove himself and stay. Maybe things could go back to normal, well not normal but somewhat close to it.

He set his mind then that he was going to prove to the Blackthorn’s that he was sorry and that he regretted leaving. He would try his best to show that he wants to stay, he wouldn’t force himself because he knows better than anyone that things like that shouldn’t be forced.

But he would try his damned hardest.

5. Julian

Kit sits by himself in the large kitchen at the LA Institute. It was very different from the kitchen in Cirenworth. Maybe it was just the lack of Jem wreaking havoc by the stove or the smell of cookies Tessa seems to never stop making.

Kit sighed, he wanted to go home. He wanted Tessa and Jem and he missed playing with Mina. He had been with the Blackthorn’s for a week already and so far everyone was at least kind of nice (besides Emma but that was what he had expected) the only person who didn’t react to him at all was Ty.

Kit stabbed the cookie he had with his finger. He still couldn’t make them well but Tessa had tried to teach him and it was three in the morning and he couldn’t sleep so he thought what the hell?

Ty seemed to be avoiding him and Kit thought he might actually lose his mind. He had tried talking to him but Ty had ignored him and pretended to listen to music which wasn’t even connected to anything. He didn’t know if he should make Ty listen to him or if he should just leave him alone and leave when Tessa and Jem got back and pretend he hadn’t come back at all.

Kit put his cookie down and put his hands up to cover his face. Why had he left? Why had he done that to Ty? How could he? Ty needed him then and he let his feelings get the best of him. Wasn’t that what his father was always trying to teach him, to get his emotions under control because if they aren’t they can be used against you? Kit had used his own emotions against himself. Ty had needed him and like the weak minded person he was he got so embarrassed he left the country.

Granted it was also for the safety of the Blackthorn’s it, the embarrassment was the biggest play in why he had left. God how stupid could he be?

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

He got that itchy feeling he always did when he had these attacks. He scratched at his face roughly, craving the feeling of anything at this point. He was breathing raggedly but he didn’t let up on his scratching. How could he have been so stupid? Johnny would have been so mad at him. He would be in so much trouble.

Kit let out a strangled sob. Johnny couldn’t be mad at him because he was dead. He was dead because of Kit. Well maybe that wasn’t one hundred percent accurate but he had ruined his father’s life. He made him live in fear and isolation. He made everyone’s life worse.

Kit slammed his head against the table and pulled away quickly the pain spiking through his already throbbing head. It helped him focus on the pain and not intrusive thoughts. He went to slam his head again but something soft blocked it.

He jerked away and looked at Julian who was standing in front of him with wide eyes. Kit let out another sob before covering his mouth and standing up so fast his chair fell backwards. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry I was just- I just wanted some cookies. I’ll go back to bed. I-I’m-” Julian cut him off by wrapping his arms around Kit, who let out a strangled sound.

No one purposefully touched him except Jem, Tessa, and Mina and it wasn’t unwelcome but it shocked him. It especially shocked him that it was Julian that was comforting him. Even though they had been civil he had always been overprotective of Ty and Kit knew he was still very angry.

Kit all but collapses, Julian’s arms catching him and holding him up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. J-Julian I’m so sorry.” Kit didn’t really think Julian understood what he was apologizing for. That he was apologizing for leaving, for hurting Ty, for Livvy, for having to be the strong person when Kit knew for a fact he wanted to break down.

Julian just rubbed his back and gently lowered them to the floor still gripping Kit tightly. Most times when Kit was like this he didn’t let anyone touch him but Tessa and Jem but it just felt natural and safe in Julian’s arms. He assumed it was because Julian was a father figure to him, even with his young age and never having actually had kids.

“I’m sorry.” Kit said and cringed at how utterly broken he sounded. Julian just held him tighter. “Kit, I promise you we’ve forgiven you. Well Ty hasn’t but he will. It was so empty here Kit we missed you.” Kit just sobbed harder and clung desperately to the front of Julian’s shirt. Julian rubbed his back soothingly and Kit just sat there. He didn’t deserve this kindness. He didn’t deserve the calm and kind words Julian was saying. He knew that Jem and Tessa would say he did but he knew he didn’t.

After about ten minutes Kit sat back thoroughly embarrassed. He rubbed his eyes refusing to look at Julian. He sat back and threw his head back, he could feel Julian’s eyes on him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kit shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it, especially with Julian. How did one say ‘Oh I left when your sister died because your brother doesn’t love me back.’ He couldn’t.

“Wrong answer.” Julian said, his eyes never straying from Kit’s face. He felt as if he was on fire, Julian couldn’t make him tell. He wouldn’t. Kit shook his head again harsher this time. “No.” He said a hint of desperation mingling in his normally carefree voice. Julian frowned. “We can do this now or we can sit here until you decide you want to.”

Kit bit his lip, it didn’t look like he was getting out of this one easily. “I’m sorry. For everything I did. I’m sorry for leaving.” Julian watched him, the look in his eyes telling Kit he was seeing far more than Kit wanted to share. “Why did you leave?” Julian asked cautiously, Kit shuffled uncomfortably and tugged at his hair.

“I shouldn’t have.” Julian nods slightly. “I know which is why I’m asking why. You left for a reason.” Kit looked anywhere but Julian blushing from embarrassment and anxiety. “I-I Julian this- you can’t tell anyone about this.” Julian raised an eyebrow and nodded. “Of course.” He said quietly.

Kit closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Ty and I did some dumb stuff and I made the mistake of telling him I loved him. He basically told me I meant nothing to him. It was god awful timing I know that and it wasn’t the only reason I left but Julian how could I leave him?” Kit’s eyes were burning at this point but he didn’t care. He was so mad at himself he found it hard to care about anything.

Julian was looking at him with an unreadable expression. “You love him? Like a brother or like…” He trailed off and Kit just let his face crumble. He was sick of pretending to be alright. He was tired and he just wanted everyone to be okay and for everything to be okay again. “I love him Julian. God I love him so much and it all just hurts so much.” Julian sighed and put his hands on Kit’s shoulders.

“What exactly happened?” Kit almost told him before remembering he couldn’t tell Julian everything. “W-we were talking about Livvy. He was so sad and I told him that I love him and he just said there was nothing here if Livvy wasn’t here. He means everything to me, and I meant absolutely nothing to him.” Julian let out a sigh and Kit took in the bags under his eyes and his messy hair with a frown.

He doubted anyone noticed how destroyed Julian looked, well he was sure Emma did but he doubted anyone else did. How long had it been since he had gotten a good night's sleep? Guilt slowly seeped into his thoughts again and Kit shook it away deciding to talk to Julian about it later.

“As much as I want to take Ty’s side, I think both of you were in the wrong this time. You’re right it was bad timing and he should have been allowed to grieve but he shouldn’t have ignored you like that either. Neither of you are on the right side here Kit.” Kit took that in, he didn’t believe it but it was a nice thought.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” Kit said quietly, Julian blanched at him, obviously thrown off. “What?” Julian asked, eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry for not having been here for you.” Kit repeated sadly. “I know you do so much for everyone and everyone was grieving and it didn’t give you time to grieve and I'm just sorry for not being here to help.” Kit said earnestly.

Julian gave him an odd look before slowly shaking his head, a sad smile on his face, and hugged him. “It’s alright Kit, you don’t have to worry about that.” Kit hugged him back, what a weird three a.m. heart to heart. “Someone other than Emma has to.” Kit said quietly, Julian laughed softly.

“I’ll tell you what, if you come to me next time you feel this way instead of baking cookies at 3 a.m. I’ll come to you if I need help with anything I’m getting overwhelmed with okay?” Kit looked into Julian’s blue-green eyes and when he saw the authenticity he was searching for he smiled and nodded.

Julian stood up with a smile and reached down a hand to help Kit up. “Are you ready to go to bed?” He asked when Kit stifled a yawn. Kit nodded and threw the cookies away, he really needed to get better. They always ended up to still be too doughy.

When they split towards their room Kit paused turning to Julian before hugging him one more time. “I really am here if you need me, I know you have other people to go to first but just know I am here.” Julian squeezed him harder and Kit knew he was saying thank you without words. Kit squeezed back before letting go and walked back to his room.

Maybe now he could get some sleep.

6. Ty

Kit needed Ty to talk to him, he didn’t care if Ty screamed or yelled at him all he wanted was for Ty to stop ignoring him. He needed the confrontation, he needed to know Ty blamed him for what happened with Livvy and for leaving. Most people would be fine with the person that hates them ignoring them but Kit couldn’t take it, not with Ty.

Which is how Kit found himself standing in front of Ty’s door, his breathing steadily getting more ragged. All he had to do was knock, he just needed to knock, needed to get this over with. He needed Ty to blow up on him, however out of character that was for Ty.

Kit had the sleeves of his sweatshirt pulled over his hands, clenching and unclenching the soft fabric. It was Jem’s old sweatshirt but practically everyone at their house wore it. Tessa when she missed Jem when he was away, Kit when he needed to relax or simply sought the comfort, Kit had no doubt that Mina would steal it too when she got big enough.

His hand was hovering a few inches from the wood of the door, just a few inches, but Kit couldn’t bring himself to knock. He was trembling all over and Kit could tell this was going to be a bad one.

He slumped to the floor, his legs too tired to hold him. All of a sudden Livvy was floating above him. “Kit! I thought I- Kit?” She asked, abandoning her playful tone for a concerned one. Kit didn’t even think to respond, instead clawing at his throat trying desperately to breathe even though clawing at his throat was doing nothing to help.

Tears were streaming down his face and Kit simply wanted to give up, stop fighting his anxiety, and simply cease to exist. It was a harsh thought, but it wasn’t the first time he had thought of it.

Jem normally could tell when he was in a bad place and would distract him but there was no one here to distract him. No one to come to his aid because they cared, no one who would hold him and ground him. He knew he could go to Dru or Christina but he didn’t want to show his weakness.

Kit didn’t notice when Livvy left abruptly until he heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall and harsh whispers. “Livvy what is it? What’s going on?” That was definitely Ty, Kit thought, his head swiveling around trying to figure out where to go. His brain wasn’t thinking right or he would have noticed that he was going into Ty’s room instead of his own.

His vision was blurred and spotty, black stars dancing across his vision, and Kit knew that if he didn’t start breathing soon he would pass out. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Livvy floated through Ty’s door right before Ty himself walked through the entryway. “Livvy what’s-” Ty cut off abruptly, eyes zoning in on Kit’s trembling body. Ty stared at him for a minute, taking in his clattering teeth and the blood on his neck, fingers, and lips. For normal people, it would take them a while to realize that Kit had been scratching at his neck until it bled and that he’d bitten his lips due to his shuddering body, but Ty wasn’t normal people, he was smart and had an eye for detail.

Ty walked slowly up to Kit, his hands coming up slowly as not to scare him more than he already was. Kit let out what would have been a sob had he had any air in his lungs. Kit was only slightly focused on Ty, his vision getting worse to the point of not being able to see Ty at all.

The sudden blindness set Kit off into new hysterics. “Kit!” Ty said loudly, trying to get his attention. It didn’t work. “Kit, come on can you hear me?” Kit reached out blindly in response, his vision now completely gone. Kit knew it wouldn’t be long before he passed out. He wished now more than ever that Jem was here.

Kit’s arm struck something solid and he went to recoil but a hand clamped down on it and Kit all but fell forward, desperately trying to feel some, anxiety coursing through his body at his lack of sight.

Ty was pulling him into his arms, murmuring soft things having given up on trying to get Kit to listen to his words. There was a terrible ringing in his ears and Kit halfway folded into himself, he was still shaking like a leaf and it didn’t take long for everything to go silent.

The last thing Kit felt before falling unconscious was Ty burning his face in Kit’s golden curls.

When Kit woke up the first thing he noticed was how dry his throat was, swallowing felt like sandpaper, and every small noise he made hurt. The second thing he realized was that he wasn’t in his room but he was in someone’s bed.

That was all it took for the memories to come rushing back and he bolted upright, knocking off the slight weight that was resting on his forehead. Something behind him jumped and he turned quickly to see Ty sitting behind him, previously acting as Kit’s pillow.

There must have been some panic in his eyes because Ty shook his head before slowly reaching out so he could brush some hair out of his face. “You’re alright Kit, just breathe.” Ty said quietly and Kit took in a deep breath, relieved to find it wasn’t hard at all.

Kit was tense and stared at Ty for a few moments while Ty stared at Kit’s hair, his fingers clenching and unclenching around Kit’s curls. Kit wondering if Ty was fighting off his anxiety as much as Kit was about this whole situation.

Eventually when it was clear Ty had no interest in withdrawing his hand, Kit laid back down, too tired from his panic attack to hold himself up anymore. His head found Ty’s lap again and he started fiddling with the ring Ty always wore.

Ty let Kit steal his hand and continued running his hand through Kit’s hair with the other. Kit was first to break the silence. “I’m sorry, I’ve said it before but I truly am. All of it’s my fault, I should have told you how I felt from the beginning about necromancy and I shouldn’t have left you at the lake. I should have said goodbye, well I shouldn’t have left at all but the least I could have done was say goodbye and I’m sorry I messed all of this up. I really am, you deserve someone who will be there for you, not someone who will leave like a coward.” Kit paused, taking a breath and looking up at Ty’s averted eyes. “Ty- I’m just really sorry.” Kit said, looking down again a frown plastered on his lips.

It was silent for a minute before Ty looked down at Kit’s face, eyes locking on a spot right above Kit’s left eyebrow. “Are you finished?” Ty asked, his voice unreadable. Kit shivered and nodded, eyes drifting to the hand he was playing with. “I forgave you about two months after you left. Everyone was still mad on my behalf but I forgave you. You’re my Watson how could I not? Sherlock always needs his Watson.”

Kit was embarrassed to admit that his vision turned blurry, this time from tears rather than lack of vision. “I-If you forgave me why have you been avoiding me.” Kit asked quietly, his hand grabbed Ty’s, no longer playing with the ring, instead holding it as a quiet reassurance.

Ty looked down at Kit, a confused expression on his face. “Because you were mad at me.” Ty said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Kit frowned. “Ty I was never mad at you, ever, the only person I was upset with was myself.” Ty looked away, his eyes landing on his bookcase.

“I made you do something you obviously didn’t want to do, we broke laws Kit and it was my fault. I brought back my dead sister against her wishes, it was my fault. Kit how could you have not been mad about any of that?” Kit sat silent, searching for the right words. “I was never mad because that wasn’t you’re fault. You were grieving and you would have done it with or without me and everyone knows Sherlock is better with Watson.” Kit said, deep and lighthearted at the same time.

Ty’s lips pulled up in the corners and Kit felt his own smile in response. “Aren’t we a mess.” Kit said, looking up at the ceiling, a weightless feeling taking over, one he hadn’t felt since he was last with Ty.

Ty’s hand resumed in Kit’s hair and when he spoke Kit could hear the smile in his voice. “We really are.”

They sat there for some time, a peaceful silence falling over them. Later they would talk more, catch up on the years of absence but right now they just basked in each other’s company. They weren’t fixed completely and Kit knew they would never be the same but sometimes things need to change with time. Fate threw them together for a reason and Kit wasn’t going to argue with it again.

“The ways of fate are indeed hard to understand. If there is not some compensation hereafter, then the world is a cruel jest.” -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

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Kit “Gay Disaster” Herondale