Why I am a Christian
This has to do with my testimony but I’ll keep it short.
Growing up I had no friends; In elementary school no one really talked to me and I was called creepy, in middle school I was pushed out of a friend group and when I finally found one that all of us were rejects from other friend groups- we self destructed the next year. In high school I only had real friends in senior year and after school we only talked once. I am use to being alone when it comes to friends.
Little did I know in my home life my family hated me too. All my siblings were pitted against me by my mother because she would constantly compare how ‘perfect’ I was to them. They all resented me- they’ve tried to k*ll me and have attacked me before as my mom watched annoyed. I always thought they were joking, but the more I think back the more I realize probably not (considering two of my siblings literally tried to drown me lol). My mom emotionally and mentally manipulated/abused me in small ways (i.e: Not considering my feelings, hardly keeping her promises, ect). I honestly couldn’t tell you much that she did due to the fact I hardly remember my own childhood (recently learned that that is a sign of trauma oop-). I remember me begging her to thank me for putting away the milk and she told I was stupid for asking for such a thing and she would in small ways tell me how my thoughts, words and feelings didn’t matter. My dad on the other hand was out of my life for at least 65% because he had to go to work.
I never realized how alone I was. I always figured it had to do with my twin dying so I pushed it off because I was told I had high expectations from friends and was trying to fill the hole in my heart from losing her to cancer with other people. Eventually I did find a way to hide away from all the loneliness and lack of self worth I felt. I did it through escapism. When I was young my parents did a great job at teaching us the affects of dr*gs and drinking so I never even thought of those but escapism was something no one could stop me from doing. I would disappear into worlds created by others; Warrior, InkHeart, Xmen, ect. Any story I read I put myself into as the hero who everyone liked. I feel in love and lived with them almost every moment of everyday. Eventually I made my own worlds and lived happily there, sometimes writing them.
I grew up in a Christian home but I truly became a Christian in middle school. I remember my dad really wanted us to play DnD with him but I told him I didn’t like it and he was upset for three days until I apologized to him. (He isn’t that petty anymore) I made a mental sort of promise to make it up to him by getting more into Christianity. I wanted to be able to talk to him about something so Christianity it was. I studied it for years and did actually grow closer to my dad- but it was definitely living through his faith. If he had died I don’t know if I would have been a Christian at all.
At this point my parents had divorced and one of my sisters was actually my best friend. I had learned that my dad and sister actually loved me and they still go out of their way to prove it everyday.
The day I believe I finally decided to be a Christian was the day I asked my dad “Why does it matter Jesus died?”. The day I asked him that he went through such an emotional that I’ve still never seen him express again (he is a rather ‘emotional’ man). He practically screamed at me with tears streaming down his face as if I had stabbed him that “If I didn’t understand the love God had given me (he meant himself and myself), then why are you a Christian?! God has given me (himself) all the love and compassion and kept me alive for this long.” I’ve never seen my father personally upset with me before this, and this is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to disappointing him. I left that conversation confused and ashamed, and I asked God to show me what my dad meant.
So, now I understand what my father meant. Here is why I am a Christian:
God is always with me. God has never, ever found me annoying in anyway. He genuinely loves me for who I truly am- not who I appear to be to make him happy. Jesus sees how disgusting I am, how I’m a liar, no good piece of trash who deserves to die yet he despite all of that he wants me around. Me, Kitra Futterman. Even though I have nothing to give, even though I am never enough, even though I hate so much- He choose me personally to be alive not only because he thought the world needed a Kitra Futterman but because he specifically wanted a Kitra Futterman in the world and in heaven and New Jerusalem with him. He wants to talk to me and likes how I think. He likes me and respects me and cares for me.
Honestly I could go on forever about this but I’ll stop for now. All I ask is that you think about how this is true for you too, the part about God loving you not the part about the killer siblings and abusive mom, the part that Jesus died for you by name because he said you were enough.