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Never mind not being able to have sex

I still crave his touch. A touch that uses to be filled with such aggression. Now I long for tenderness

We discussed reasons for the lost of aggression. I was delusional to think he was being gentle with me because someone else had violated me. Instead it is because he has wild thoughts of how easy hurting me could be

I don’t mind thoughts of his. If he wants to hold my life in his hands I’ll be happy to be held by him

He kissed my neck and rubbed around my body and I could feel the dopamine rush through my body. I long to feel his hands around my neck, for him to squeeze me tight. I want him to grip my hips and massage my things. I’m confused as to why I’m not covered in his markings

I guess taking care of me isn’t really a priority in anyone’s mind except mine. I don’t give excuses as to why I don’t cater to myself. I

My head hurts

My back hurts

My tummy hurts

My legs hurt

I’m in so much physical pain and people continue to talk to me with no helpfulness.

I don’t wanna hear how excited you are to see my little person or how I need to relax. I don’t have the energy to explain things to these people. No one really knows what support looks like or how to do it. Maybe because I’m such a people pleaser I see all that they do wrong to help me but I refuse to lead. I want to be catered to without explaining things. Explaining makes me feel like I’m holding someone’s hand. I wanted to spend some time being taken care of before I became a parent but I

I know that I’m not fat. I’ve gained weight that my husband praises me for

Having this belly of a baby here thought feels very in the way

My husband already doesn’t like me to be in his lap for long (I think his hips and legs are weak) and now my body is even more of an obstacle that stands in the way of me being right atop him

I hate how I look in my clothes and in the mirror

I’ve watched my face and body change over these months and I thought accepting the change would make it easier

I cried today because none of my clothes fit me the same so I have nothing cute to wear

I cried because my hair looks weird but I don’t want to wear a wig. I shouldn’t have cut it

I cried because I knew that when my husband tells me that I’m beautiful I’ll still feel ugly. He told me I’m the most beautiful in the world but I can’t help but feel ugly and ashamed

He ask if I wanted to get some clothes tomorrow and I said no ever though I really want to

I feel stupid and ugly and useless. I don’t want to leave the house nor talk to any one

I don’t dislike myself today. Not nearly as much as I did yesterday but I still have this open feeling

I keep putting off shadow work but I don’t see why

I feel useless and ugly

I can’t seem to find a real job and being pregnant makes me feel more useless

My whole body is breaking out

Why do I have to exist?

“Are you gonna _____? Or are you gonna do that short shit that doesn’t satisfy anybody?”

I feel like I try my best to satisfy him but maybe I’m not doing enough

“I didn’t mean to hurt you feelings. It was a joke _____ me”

I don’t remember if he said the joke was for him or about him

But even after talking I don’t feel better

I’ve satisfied other people so I thought I was doing good but he’s not them

I don’t remember the last time I’ve help him reach a climax so I probably feel guilty for good reason

He touches himself after I go to sleep and I don’t mind but it feels like an addition to me not satisfying him enough

Maybe if I get slapped in my pretty face a few times I’ll feel better about being useless

He’s taking me on a trip in the morning

I think it’ll be fun to spend time thinking about us being together instead of everything else that’s going on

I feel out of place

They say that you become a different person during and after a child. I feel something but I hope I’m not totally lost in who I was and who I could be

I think that I’ll be a good mother despite all my thoughts and urges to be someone else

I want to look beautiful. Everyday he tells me I am the most beautiful person in the world

I want to feel like in a movie. No probably am art piece. Still. Beautiful. Only slowly effected by the world around me

I’m a different person than who I was last time I wrote here

I’ve met new people and found new loves

I should be happy

I’m in my own home. Surrounded by people who love me

He’ll be my husband so I’m working to be a better person for him but I have thoughts of cheating and leaving

He is my financial, emotional, and physical support. I feel like I have nothing of my own but my mind body and spirit

I was traumatized

I think I’m more past it than I was before. I don’t relive the moments every time husband touchs me (it was not him who hurt me) but I dream of similar dark rooms and pushy men. I think what if I deserved it all

Husband does the best he can to make me comfortable but I know that I rule my mind and loving words cannot change me

I am nearly six months pregnant and the hormones make my thoughts worse

I’ve learned that my body is so use to depression that it craves it. But I have no reason to be sad

Is the only way I feel in control of myself is when I’m destroying me?

Today I hope you choke and die

I hope it hurts so bad that your tears never dry

My boyfriend’s ex had a baby

I felt so envious

Every time I see someone have their baby these feeling or regret come over me

I can’t help but cry and hate myself because

I could’ve easily not had an abortion

But knowing and reminding myself that I made the right choice is good

That I could’ve been me feeling is so strong

Of course the fact that it was her only slightly makes it worse

Because he could’ve still been with her and had the baby he wanted

I’m the reason he didn’t

But blaming myself in these situations isn’t healthy

I shouldn’t think that I have to rush into creating a whole new human if I know that it’s not the right time for me

It’s not like he’s rushing me. He only wants the best for me but it’s so hard knowing that I could’ve easily not had an abortion

I think I’m the problem for everyone so I don’t wanna talk to anyone about it. This is hard and I’m gobs go cry about it now

I’m really starting to think I’m the problem

Well hi here I am again with no one to truly understand me

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