It feels like a long time since life has given us a break. @cynicaldom is sick and I donāt know if I should say again or still. It feels new because heās much worse than a couple days ago. He hasnāt felt 100% in weeks. Iāve selfishly been frustrated that heās getting worse again. I am so ready to go back to normal. Iām tired.Ā
I catch myself hesitating with everything he asks of me. My mind is noisy, my feelings are all over the place. I thought about requesting a spanking yesterday because submission has been hard. I know I need a reminder but I donāt think I want it. Everything he asks of me is hard. Following my rules is hard. I realize Iām going to end up in trouble if I donāt get it together. So I give in, I ask if heāll spank me today. He says he will.Ā
I bring him the food he asked me to cook. He addresses how itās burnt, but eats it anyway. Heās right, it is burnt. I knew it was, and I cursed as I pulled it from the stove. It still makes me angry because I didnāt mean to and now I feel hurt and defensive. Itās silly. It doesnāt matter. I am just emotionally tired and overly sensitive. Iām conscious of that, but my emotions are so strong anyway.Ā
As I pass through the room I avoid his gaze because Iām hurt and angry. He notices.Ā āLook at me.ā he says in a tone that is nearly scolding. I turn my face to meet his eyes.Ā āDonāt act like you donāt see me.ā he says, his voice softer. I watch his face for a second longer, then nod and keep going.Ā
As the day goes on I notice my eyes lingering with his instructions while my heart hesitates briefly before complying.Ā
I start my workout video and heĀ pauses it.Ā āIām going to spank you first.ā He leads me to the bedroom. He sits on the edge of the bed and his fingers enter the waistband of my leggings. That feeling hits my stomach. I wonder what Iāve gotten myself into. I wonder how much itās going to hurt. After all this time, I sometimes still feel silly when he undresses me, and I feel that way today. I guess itās some piece of my ego that wants to shout that I can do that myself. He knows Iām capable, of course, heās just taking control from me. Itās the obvious example of our power exchange that sparks that feeling. The feeling amplifies as he spreads his knees once Iām over his lap. He doesnāt position us this way often, and I donāt really care for it. My ribs are on his front leg, my butt between them, and my upper thighs on his back leg. I canāt even dangle my legs, Iām straight as a board, hanging in the air over his knee. Even more helpless than usual.Ā
He starts off fairly nicely with his hand but he soon lands a spank on my upper thigh. With my legs straight I canāt wiggle down to lower my butt and guard my thigh. I almost laugh to myself inside. I know heās hitting my thighs because I hate it. Heās taking the opportunity to remind me that I can request a spanking but he chooses how it goes. Yes, Daddy. My thighs are yours too, even though I hate when you swat them. I do hate it, but it doesnāt make me angry at all. It makes me realize Iām softening a little already.Ā
Heās nice again for a while and my tolerance builds a little as my butt grows warmer. Eventually, the intensity of the spanking builds. I had been hugging his front leg, but I let go and almost reach back before catching myself. I hug his leg again, harder this time trying to focus. I let go again after a little while, but catch it again. The third time heās too fast, he snatches my arm as soon as I let go of his leg, and he pins it to my lower back. I wiggle ever so slightly from side to side but I have no real leverage so it does nothing to protect me. His hand is wrapped fully around my wrist, and heās leaning on my arm with his own arm. I should know itās pointless, but I canāt help but try to wiggle that hand to try and drag it down towards my butt for protection. Itās no use, of course. He noticed the attempt though and tightens his grasp around my wrist. My ass hurts far too much to laugh, but I find his reaction almost funny. Iām so obviously not in control, I donāt need the wrist squeeze to remind me, I think. Yet that thought crossing my mind makes it more real or more intense. Iām not in control.Ā
He unpins my arm and pushes it underneath us, silently instructing me to pleasure him. Heās hard and I try to stroke him and massage his balls, despite the awkward angle while over his lap. After a minute he instructs me to stand, and he moves to the other side of the bed. Iām surprised when he motions me over his lap again. Iām confused why weāve switched sides of the bed just for more spanking, until he spreads my legs and pushes the hitachi up against me.Ā
Before switching the hitachi on he saysĀ āI want you to cum. Iām not saying you may. Iām saying I want you to. As soon as you can, you may.ā I feel my body physically relax at the reminder that this is for him. He spanks me through the first orgasm. Then he has me stand and turn around to go over his lap in the reverse direction. He gives me the same instructions again. The spanking continues, and so does the wand. It takes a while as orgasms donāt come easy for me, even with the wand. He focuses on my thighs for a while and Iām yelping loud but the pleasure makes it bearable. The second orgasm makes me very loud because Iām processing a more intense orgasm and more intense pain. I almost feel concerned when he tells me he wants me to take a third orgasm. I donāt know if I can manage three, I think. My body usually gets too sensitive, and it takes forever to reach the peak on the third one, if it is possible at all. What if I just canāt? I worry for a moment. Then I set my mind to focusing on how he wants this. Iām going to try for him because he wants me to. It takes quite a while, but it happens and my body pulses with pleasure, but my heart and mind are full of pride and that feels even better.Ā
āStand up slowly.ā he tells me after Iāve returned to normal breathing. I do as he says and realize Iām a little lightheaded from subspace. He holds his arms up and I take my place under them both. He squeezes me. I thank him. He kisses the top of my head. We stay there for a while.Ā
Later heās standing at the bathroom sink. I wander over to him, standing so Iām nearly touching him and then look up to meet his eyes. Making a silent joke about how itās weird to stand this close for no reason. He grins and pats the top of my head affectionately. I notice that his eyes are smiling for the first time all day. Even though I canāt see them, I know mine are too. My face feels softer. My body is more relaxed. My heart is happier. My mind is calm. All of me has softened.Ā
I donāt know exactly what it is about his hand on my ass that causes this change. Something about being over his knee takes me back to where I want to be. It reminds me that Iām his submissive, that he is the one in charge, and that although being a submissive is physically painful sometimes, itās worth it because it gives me what I want. The outside world and stressful circumstances harden me sometimes, but I want to be soft, compliant, vulnerable, obedient and trusting. Iām so thankful that he has the key to bring me back to being soft.Ā
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