Endeavors of the Mind (Part Four)
Bakugo and Midoriya both struggle with different aspects of their newfound relationship. Katsuki wants to be more open with his affections for Deku, but is hindered by his intimacy issues. Izuku covets Kacchan's affection, but is too afraid of being overbearing.
~Or the one where Bakugo and Midoriya both want the same things from each other, but are too oblivious to notice.
BakuDeku-centric with mentions of KiriShido and TodoMomo. Yaoi. M/M
Midoriya overthinks things, causing Bakugo to have some self reflection. This leads Katsuki to make a big decision about their relationship.
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Organization for Transformative Works
Izuku's emerald eyes shot open, wide and fearful, blood running cold. His scarred fingers went slack against Kacchan as the loud snap echoed loudly amidst the darkness. It reverberated ominously in his ears until it was all he could hear over and over again, drowning out all other noise and thought. His heart clenched, knot forming in his stomach, twisting his insides until he thought he'd puke. This was bad.
'We've been caught...' His mind numbly informed him, heart picking up pace as the words swirled in his head, nauseating and oppressive. His body quivered anxiously, lump forming in his airway. The thought of exposure set his body into a spiral of fear, dread clawing away inside him, causing his vision to tunnel and blur. This would ultimately cause complications for Kacchan. Kirishima finding out was one thing, but this...
This would not settle well with Bakugo - Deku knew that without a doubt; it'd put a heavy strain on their relationship, leaving Izuku to try and mend the damage it would inevitably cause.
Kacchan put up a strong front, seemingly unbreakable and indifferent to others opinions and thought - a hero who showed no weakness, and the green-haired teen knew that was true most of the time. Bakugo was as fiery and unwavering as his Quirk, passionate and all consuming, unafraid, reckless and proud! It's what he loved most about him - what pulled him towards him! But Midoriya also knew Kacchan wasn't always such a thick wall of confidence and bravado - that wall would crumble sometimes, insecurities visible to Izuku alone; the mossy-haired teen had always been the exception to the blonde's breakdowns. Kacchan never hid his feeling from Deku, and even when he did try, it wouldn't be long before he opened up to the smaller hero - one way or another. Kacchan was human and subject to human emotions, even though he acted otherwise, and the freckled teen knew something of this magnitude spilling out before the explosive hero adjusted would leave Kacchan vulnerable and open. The shorter boy knew that would devastate Bakugo. He'd see it as a weakness, and he was too proud to allow himself to be seen in that light. It would probably cause him to withdraw from Izuku - seeing him as the cause of that weakness!
'I can't lose this progress with Kacchan!'
The younger boy knew that'd be like starting all over again, making him swallow hard against the lump that threatened to choke him - the mere notion made Deku's stomach twist painfully, heart pounding with bruising force against his rib cage.
The freckled teen feared losing the progress they'd just achieved!
Another snap echoed in the dark, causing Katsuki's vermilion eyes to dart around the dark foliage. Trying to find the source of the sound, the older teen gripped harder onto Deku, knowing the green-haired hero still didn't have full control of his legs. Bakugo's heart beat erratically, blood rushing in his ears - adrenaline pumped throughout him at the fear of being caught. He didn't know what he'd do if someone was out there lurking like a fucking creep, watching them and then speaking even a word about them.
The thought of their relationship being broadcast to the world before its time made the explosive hero's stomach churn nervously, and he fucking hated it. It was one thing to be anxious when it involved doing things with Izuku - cuz that damn nerd had a way of making him feel all these jittery feelings all the time - but to feel them out of apprehension was infuriating. He didn't like these stupid feelings running through him. The blonde knew he had to find a way out of this damned dilemma if he wanted it to stop. The aggressive teen couldn't deal with this right now. It was too stressful of a time already with graduation right around the corner, and he didn't need to add this on top of his already preoccupied mind!
'Fuck whatever asshole is out here!'
Another snap resounded, and Bakugo's glare zeroed onto a rustling bush. His palm flickered with the beginnings of an explosion, ready to blast whatever shithead crawled out, heat of his Quirk slowly burning away the sticky substance that still coated his hand.
On top of everything, things were finally starting to become comfortable between him and Deku; they were making so much fucking progress, it almost blew his fucking mind. But still, the explosive hero wasn't quite ready yet - Katsuki needed just a little more fucking time, then it'd be time to announce it after they graduated! A small part of why he wanted to stay private about their relationship was to avoid everyone meddling in their affairs, causing them both undue stress; Bakugo didn't want to risk distractions - they couldn't afford it with their goals coming so close to fruition, and he wanted to make sure he and Deku graduated together!
The rustling increased, and the taller boy tensed, anticipating someone tumbling out. But to his relief, a small rabbit hopped out instead, staring at him with wide eyes before scurrying back into the brush. The bomber hero could only assume that's what caused the twigs to snap, but even so, Katsuki was still on guard.
If someone really was out there and saw anything, it would ruin both his and Midoriya's hard work keeping it on the down-low. Most of their classmates were shit when it came to keeping things secret, and if even a hint of a rumor hit Ashido's fucking ears, it'd be a matter of minutes before word spread like a disease among everyone in the party, forcing his hand in the situation.
Katsuki cursed aloud at the notion, scowl prominent on his lips, "Fuckers."
Bakugo knew he simply couldn't allow that - to have one of those idiots decide something of this caliber for him, it was un-fucking-acceptable! His teeth ground together, clenching hard at the thought, heart thumping with anger. This relationship was a choice he and Izuku made together, and he'd be damned if he allowed some fucking prick to take that from them, but most importantly - to take that from Izuku! If the crimson-eyed teen was going to go public before his allotted time, he would do so with his nerd at his side and not because some loud-mouthed asshole outed them. The bomber teen owed that privilege to Deku alone for being so understanding and patient with him!
"-ro- you-," came a distant echo, voice carried by the soft breeze, yet muddled by the swaying trees, making it difficult to distinguish. It confirmed that someone was indeed out there - which wasn't good at all. But if Bakugo focused on the brighter side of this shit scenario - the voice sounded far off, meaning they had some time before whomever ventured close enough to find them.
"We got some time, nerd. But we can't stay here long," he spoke, glaring angrily into the trees. He found a modicum of relief in the fact, but he still didn't like this at all. "If we don't leave soon, whatever dumb fuck is out there will find us."
The aggressive teen felt Deku quiver in response, but he didn't speak. Katsuki didn't think anything of it, mind racing as he ground his teeth harder, wishing he could just use his Quirk to get them out of their situation. His palm twitched with aggressive anticipation, smoke wafting off his free hand, heat burning away the remainder of residue of their intimate affair. He didn't like this at all - standing here on the defensive just waiting. The blonde hero didn't have much patience, and what little he did have was quickly running out. The taller teen didn't know how long he could stay here, lingering in place, observing for movements, waiting around just to be found. But he had to wait for Deku to recover, nerves and body still over-exerted if his continued shaking and breathlessness was any indication - then they could get the fuck up out of here and waltz back into the stupid party like nothing ever fucking happened!
The carmine-eyed hero heard the soft echo of that voice calling out again, but it was difficult to pinpoint exactly where it came from - sounds bouncing in the darkness. His sense were on high alert, ruby orbs scanning the blackness but seeing nothing, moonlight casting deep shadows across the earth, shapeless figures swaying with the breeze; ears perked yet hearing far too much, the stirring of leaves, scurrying of small animals, the soft thuds of footsteps, the buzzing of the insects, Izuku's shallow pants and the thumping of the music that still managed to seep outdoors.
Lips pulling into a deeper angry scowl, ruby eyes glowered vehemently into nothingness. Katsuki couldn't keep himself from growling out, teeth exposed as he gnashed them down. Body tense with energy, every nerve in his body eagerly demanded he move - to do anything but fucking observe and wait! The explosive hero couldn't see or do shit in the damn dark and it was driving him crazy! He'd always been a man of action - one to be on the offensive rather than defensive - and this was killing him!
The older boy's mind raced angrily, debating on whether he should wait for Izuku to fully compose himself or not…
"Fuck this shit!" He seethed, ire bubbling inside him.
"Can you stand on your own yet, Deku?" He asked, voice low with pent-up frustration. Bakugo's agitation was apparent by the way his lip curled viciously, palm flickering with sparks, smoke becoming thicker. He was trying to keep his mounting anger in check, but it was proving more difficult as the seconds ticked past. The blonde teen wanted nothing more at the moment than to exert all this turbulent energy into a giant explosion - blowing things up always made him feel better - and the more the scarlet-eyed hero contemplated the thought, the more it appealed to him. But for obvious reasons, he couldn't; it'd be like putting up a giant arrow over their fucking heads - somehow, that thought made him angrier.
Deku's forehead rested against his shoulder, but he could feel the puffs of his warm breath against him even though he didn't speak. The taller boy turned his vermilion eyes down towards the smaller teen - feeling Midoriya's scarred fingers clutch his shirt with more force, knuckles turning white.
"Dumbass, you fuckin' ready or not?"
Seconds passed, but Midoriya still didn't reply - even though Katsuki could still feel his hot breath. A vein throbbed hard along his temple, and the blonde teen pulled back from the green-haired hero, lips peeling back, baring his teeth as an ugly grimace marred his features. Ruby eyes narrowed furiously upon the freckled teen.
"Deku!" He growled, arm still enclosed around Izuku's waist, thought not as tightly as before. Bakugo felt the smaller hero tense in his arms, body shaking even more as the older teen slowly unwound his arm from around him.
'What the fuck?' The blonde thought, irritation riling him up. This entire fucking situation was stressing him out more than he'd ever admit.
"Dumb fuck!" The bomber hero snapped harshly, trying to pull his boyfriend from his weird stupor. Damn it, why did the damn nerd have to get all weird now of all fucking times!? He hissed out, teeth grinding, "Can you put your fucking clothes back on yet, fuckface?"
Izuku's warm breath continued to puff against Katsuki's clothes, inaudible murmuring suddenly hitting the blonde's ears. Bakugo released an aggravated groan - knowing Deku was in one of his mumbling modes now. The blonde hero couldn't help but curse the green-haired teen's timing; Midoriya tended to get caught up in his own head every time the mumbling started. The explosive hero dropped his calloused hands onto the smaller hero's shoulders, hoping to rouse the nerd from his thoughts like he'd done in his bedroom.
But it didn't work - Midoriya kept staring unfocused into his shoulder, still fucking mumbling.
"Useless fucking Deku," Bakugo sneered angrily.
The older boy couldn't make out what the viridian hero was murmuring about, and it didn't help that his freckled face was pressed into Katsuki's body, muffling his soft voice even more. His chattering increased, fingers digging further into the cloth of the aggressive boy's shirt as his breath became slightly labored. Katsuki's blonde brows furrowed in confusion, wondering what the fuck could be wrong with the nerdy teen.
'Things can't go back to the way they were!' Midoriya's mind yelled, panic clouding his mind. The thick haze of his dread drowned out the sound of Kacchan's voice - of Kacchan's touch. The smaller hero's own fears enveloped him; he couldn't handle losing all their progress - he knew that well.
Deku was patient for so long - for so many years...
'Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again. Kacchan will close off again.'
...Waiting for the right time to tell Kacchan how he felt - waiting for his affection - waiting for his kisses - for his touches - for his gaze - for Kacchan to be his! He was patient for so long, and to have all his hard work backfire and set him back to the beginning...
It would absolutely hurt - in every sense of the word. Izuku knew that well - just as he knew how deeply he loved Kacchan; Deku's spirit could only handle so much!
'I can't lose this progress with Kacchan…'
That lump reformed in his throat, clogging his airway, threatening to asphyxiate him. The green-haired boy could feel his panic ripping at him from within - its tendrils spreading throughout his body like a virus - quick, debilitating and destructive. Mind going numb with trepidation, everything started to ebb away, leaving the freckled hero in a suspended state of fear - for Kacchan - for their relationship - and for himself...
'I can't lose this progress with Kacchan! I can't lose this progress with Kacchan. I can't lose this. I can't.'
"Deku?" Katsuki spoke again, voice hard and stern. Yet the anger from before was gone, replaced by confounded worry. Deku wouldn't stop mumbling or gripping tightly onto him, and he wasn't responding to anything. Talking to him or even shaking him did nothing - he just continued to stand there like a zombie, muttering who knew what under his breath. His eyes stayed trained onto the ruby-eyed hero's chest, yet they were hazy and unfocused, staring into vast nothingness. Seeing the smaller boy look so out of sorts made the explosive teen's gut twist; it felt wrong to see the usually smiling nerd like this.
"Talk to me, nerd," he plead, anguish beginning to bleed into his voice. The blonde hero's fingers gripped into Midoriya's shoulders as he shook him slightly, trying to break him from his weird trance. He didn't know what was wrong, and couldn't help but wonder what could put him into a state of mumbling paralysis. It was starting to make him uneasy and fearful - and Katsuki didn't deal with either of those emotions very well.
'Kacchan isn't ready and they're all gonna know!' Midoriya mused restlessly, words permeating his head like venom. Dread clouded his mind, poisonous ideas taking hold of him, forcing all rational thought out.
He'd worked so hard to keep rumors from spreading about them - taking extra caution not to be too personal when they weren't behind closed doors. Todoroki knew, but the heterochromatic hero figured it out on his own and asked Deku directly; Kirishima knew too because of Izuku's mistake and Kacchan's confession, but both Shoto and Eijirou were their equivalent best friends. They wouldn't say a word without either Midoriya or Bakugo's consent - their secret was safe with them. And Deku only ever kept their relationship hidden because he wanted the blonde hero to be comfortable - to not feel pressured - to make the choice - and it had worked!
By being patient and taking things at the aggressive hero's pace, Midoriya finally started to break down the walls the older boy put up around him. They made progress in the form of kisses, names and intimate actions. Kacchan even spoke to him through his eyes - like Shoto and Momo did often! Bakugo showed Izuku how much he cared for him, all without uttering a single word - Kacchan's smoldering gaze and selfless actions conveying all he felt for Midoriya! The most progress in the entire course of their relationship was made in this single night!
But they were going to be outed prematurely because not everyone had that level of loyalty to them like Todoroki and Kirishima - alll their hard work would crumble, revealing Kacchan to everyone's prying eyes.
His hysteria rose alongside his pulsing heart.
'I can't lose this progress with Kacchan! I can't! I can't! I can't!'
The curly-haired teen suddenly went silent, viridian gaze dropping to stare absently and wide-eyed into the dirt. Bakugo's brows furrowed deeper in distress, unnerved by the abrupt quietness from the mumbling teen.
Still, the freckled teen remained mute, causing the taller boy's stomach to knot harder. It was only then that the explosive hero felt how badly the shorter boy shook; Bakugo's lips pulled into a sullen glower, scarlet eyes glued to his boyfriend.
Katsuki spoke again - that undertone of misery lacing his words completely as he watched his nerd, trying to find out what was wrong, "Can you hear me, Deku?"
'It's all my fault! I should've left when he told me to leave!' Midoriya mulled, too far into his own panic-induced thoughts that Bakugo's voice couldn't penetrate the haze. Izuku knew he should've left earlier - he'd even debated on obeying the blonde's words and going back to his friends...
… Until he'd glanced up and seen that hungry gleam in Kacchan's eyes. It was that same predatory look the blonde hero gave him in his bedroom right before their intense kiss, and in the elevator when he noticed him chewing his lips. He knew what that smoldering glimpse meant now - knew where it could potentially lead - and it had sent his hormones into overdrive. Coveting that gaze for so long, he couldn't leave Bakugo alone once he'd recognized it - so Midoriya willfully stayed, fully aware of the possible consequences, praying for Katsuki to lose control again! He so desperately longed for Kacchan's touch and kisses that he'd stubbornly refused to go away; Deku wanted to bask in the explosive teen's company and also stick around in hopes of sparking another intimate affair.
'I should've left...' Izuku thought in anguish, 'I should've left - I should've left!'
In the end, the green-haired teen got what he wanted - Kacchan lavished his body with his kisses and touch, showing complete devotion with his attentiveness. But the exchange for a moment of passion with Katsuki was a much higher price than the freckled hero wished to pay, but there was no turning back now.
The deed was done and now he had to face the consequences of his actions.
Once more, his drive forward in hopes of carnal pleasures lead to a bigger problem...
'I should've left! This is all my fault.'
… Bigger than he could handle...
They were about to be discovered!
Izuku's actions were forcing Bakugo into a situation where he'd have to choose to publicly accept Deku or reject him!
Bakugo placed his hands over Izuku's curled fist, gently prying his fingers from their vice-like grip on him. The green-haired teen's chest heaved quicker, breathing shallow and fast, causing the blonde hero to grit his teeth, brows drawing together with renewed concern. His pupils were fully dilated, emerald irises barely there. It didn't take a fucking genius to realize Deku was in the midst of a panic attack, and he cursed himself for not noticing sooner.
Every fiber in his being demanding he console his nerd, but the blonde hero didn't know how. What was he supposed to do to help cull the anxiety running throughout his boyfriend?! He wasn't good at comforting anyone - dealing with emotions weren't really his forte!
Fretful and apprehensive, Bakugo internally fumed, 'Fuck.'
Midoriya's chest constricted, lungs spasming, failing miserably to supply his body with oxygen.
'Forcing Kacchan into p-publicly-' Izuku's inner voice stuttered, mind refusing to accept his own statement.
Midoriya felt lightheaded, darkness spinning all around him.
'F-forcing Kacchan into publicly accepting me or- or-'
The words stuck in his head, heart squeezing painfully between sporadic lungs.
White noise assaulted him, making the beating in his ears sound distorted and warped, akin to being underwater.
'I can't lose Kacchan!' Deku internally screamed. The younger teen felt like he was drowning, gasping for breath as his panic became all-consuming.
Bakugo's rejection would do more than just hurt...
… The smaller hero knew that completely.
The timid teen's labored breaths multiplied, heart pounding at a dangerous pace.
The viridian hero's pupils constricted, shrinking until they were barely visible, eyes becoming large lifeless pools of jade.
Kacchan's rejection would destroy Izuku!
"Fuck," the bomber hero growled aloud, lips pressing into a thin line. Once more Katsuki found himself cursing his ineptitude - Deku needed him now and Bakugo didn't know the first thing to soothing the hyperventilating hero. His heart pounded, self-loathing filling his chest as he watched Izuku's panic visibly spread. Katsuki wasn't an idiot - he knew with certainty why his nerd was having an anxiety attack, and it made his heart lurch painfully.
'Izuku,' the taller teen mused, heart heavy as his scarlet eyes narrowed on his nerd.
Izuku needed him and Katsuki was a fucking hero - and not just any fucking hero; Bakugo was Deku's personal hero and he'd be damned if he let his nerd keep hurting!
Releasing a suddenly determined growl, he dropped the smaller teen's hands, reaching up to cup his round freckled face in his palms. Even if he didn't know what the fuck he was doing, he couldn't stand idly by, watching the anxious teen fall further into his panic; Katsuki was a man of action, and he had someone precious to protect!
"Deku, we're fine," he spoke, soft and pleading as he pressed his forehead against the viridian hero. The aggressive hero's cherry orbs peered into cloudy emerald eyes, but those large green eyes remained dull and unfocused, making his heart clench harder. Katsuki knew his pleas fell on mute ears, making his lips pull into a deeper frown, realizing just how deep into his own head his nerd was struggling against. Heart thundering, he closed his ruby eyes, continuing in a strained voice, "I'm right here, Deku..."
Katsuki didn't know what the fuck he was doing. But he'd seen Kirishima do this with Ashido once to calm her down, and he prayed it worked for Izuku too. His heart beat so fast inside him, slamming with bruising force against his ribs. Guilt and concern filled him as he whispered his boyfriend's name, "Izuku."
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