@allisonrileybradford-md:
“I’m leaving.” The words startle her, at first she doesn’t really get it. She’s about to tell Kitty again that it’s fine, to talk even though Logan’s there, but then she goes on and Allie gets it. That is what she came here to say–that she’s leaving. She’s leaving Seattle. She leans back in her chair, taking it all in silently, words caught in her throat. Her first instinct is to tell her to stay. But it’s the selfish one, the one that doesn’t want to lose her best friend again, the one that doesn’t want her to leave her. And Allie knows that it’s not fair, that she can’t tell her to stay for her. She can’t help but feel like she failed. Maybe if the transfer’s had worked, maybe if she’d been there more, but she shakes her head internally. She couldn’t make the transfers work.
“No,” Allie whispers, shaking her head. “You’re not putting me through anything by doing what you have to do, Kit,” She says softly. “I’m not 25 anymore, I know that now. Of course I want you to stay, but…I get it,” Allie nods. “A place can hold a lot of memories, and…I don’t know how I’d deal, in your shoes.”
She stands up, shifting Logan to settle him on one hip, and she steps around her desk and wraps her free arm around Kitty, holding on tight. “You go,” Allie says softly, voice thick with tears. “It’s ok. You go, and let me know if you need anything. I know people, at UCLA, and Evan too, if you need references or…anything. You go, and do what you need to do. We’ll be here. I’ll be here. I’ve always wanted to visit California,” She sniffs, holding on tight. “Don’t be sorry,” She whispers through her own tears. “Don’t ever be sorry for fighting for yourself and your kids.”
Kitty literally gasps when Allison denies her assumptions at making anything worse for her. The relief literally took the air from her lungs for a moment. She could not even begin to put into words how much Allison’s understanding of her reasoning meant to her. It was literally everything. When she felt like everything and everyone around her would judge her for doing the selfish thing of wanting to put herself first and find her own self again, for Allison to understand just meant everything. And deep down she knew it was wrong of her to see it that way. If she wanted to be good for Soph and Jack, she had to be at peace with herself... or as much as she ever could be, given the circumstances. And so therefore it was all but selfish. But for someone to put themselves first should not be seen as selfish ever, and she wanted to see it that way. It was just hard for her to do it at the moment regarding herself, but she knew she would get there eventually. Sophie had already started trying to talk some sense into her about that. At times, she wondered if the adult of the house was not her but Sophie, after all.
A place can hold a lot of memories, and…I don’t know how I’d deal, in your shoes. Kitty swallows thickly as the lump in her throat grows. It was literally awful. A nightmare. She did not want it to be, in fact she had tried so hard to block that out of her mind, but every time she saw Robert’s old office with the new cardio head’s things in there, it just did not add up in her head. And every other thing that they used to share around that just would not leave her mind... She wanted to let go... she really did. And she hoped California hopefully would help her do so. Because she knew she had to, but mostly she wanted to move forward. But moving on would require some time, and that was time she needed to take away from everything and all the memories that were making it just too hard to let go of. Kitty is lost in her thoughts and therefore does not recall Allison crossing the distance and walking up to wrap her up in a half-embrace. At first she slightly freezes, but soon enough she gives in and wraps her arm around her and the other hesitates but gently wraps around Logan. You go. Kitty feels her heart freezing in her chest, but at the same time the weight of the world leaving her shoulders. Thank God Allison was holding her because she felt like she was melting in her arms. You go, and let me know if you need anything. I know people, at UCLA, and Evan too, if you need references or…anything. Kitty slightly shakes her head, it was all going so fast but she was so grateful for Allison’s kindness and help already in the face of all of this. You go, and do what you need to do. We’ll be here. I’ll be here. I’ve always wanted to visit California. At that point, she cannot stop the tears from streaming down her face, her heart feeling so heavy. That was it. That was the goodbye moment. Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for fighting for yourself and your kids. That slips in her heart like the softest and warmest embrace. At that moment, Kitty wraps her arms a little tighter around Allison, as much as possible given Logan in her arms and also not wanting to choke her, and she holds there for a moment, not wanting to pull back. Not wanting to let go. But she knows she has to. She holds onto the fact that Allison said she always wanted to visit California, and so leaning back, Kitty swallows and pushes on a smile through the tears that she tries to wipe off her face with the back of her hand. She holds onto Allison’s arm as she leans back, her eyes locking back into hers. “There are so many spare rooms at my mom’s... She will only be so happy to see you, and to meet your kids and Evan, you guys should come visit at some point, I-” She swallows, lips trembling, voice broken as she adds, “I’d really like that.” Sniffing, she swallows again and adds, “And Soph and Jack sure would, too...” It had been hard telling them at first, as she felt like she was uprooting them all over again, but they had reacted so well and were actually happy about the move and getting to spend more time with her mother and siblings and their cousin, and so Kitty had really appreciated that and it had made it so much easier. If they had not been up for it, she probably would not have done it, actually. But she knew it was the right thing to do. It was just hard. Really hard.
“I love you,” she mutters as her voice breaks, looking into her friend’s eyes. “Thank you for understanding...” She nods, squeezing her arm to try and make her understand just how thankful she really was, because no words could do it justice. “Really,” she insists, nodding her head. “I will definitely call you as often as I can... We could Facetime? So that I can see the kids and try and do better as a aunt and godmom, hopefully...” she bites her lip, feeling like such a failure. “I don’t want to stop being there for you, and your family, I want to keep it up, in fact I want to do better... And I don’t want you to fade off either, I want Soph to get to call you and talk like she loves to do, and I want Jack to know he has you around too if ever he needs you... I don’t want to take away all that you and I have built over these past few years to mend for the past... I want to make it stronger than it has ever been...” She nods, squeezing Allie’s arm still.
