kiwi @kiwistillsleepy - Tumblr Blog

i doubt anyone noticed or cares but i deleted one of my comics and i just wanna ramble a little

(in like the most chill and drama-avoidant way possible) i no longer wish to associate myself with it. i know that's impossible tho because 1) the internet forgets nothing and 2) i literally signed it. that's okay.

i also know some of you really liked it and im sure you can dig it up through reblogs and whatnot. that's fine by me. go ham. but i never want to see it again.

to tell the truth i remembered some things from my childhood that explain a lot about who i am as a person in the modern day and that comic just feels kinda upsetting to reread. not in any noteworthy way. i just feel like it got too specific and personal in ONE tiny aspect. i doubt anyone reading it could possibly guess WHY or even what specifically made me feel like this, so i honestly really don't think it's worth the drama to go full nuclear war and try to erase it from the face of the earth. its honestly only tangentially upsetting for me and nobody else.

(it honestly was also uncomfortable to write and post back then but i thought i was just scared of being cringe lmao)

i am fine. everything is big chill. please don't take this as some catalyst for drama. im writing this for myself because i'm equally frustrated and proud of my growth. (if anything, i'm just jumping the gun and explaining myself now so people don't ask/speculate, cuz the comic was mildly popular and as we all know, to assume makes an ass out of u and me.)

i'll always be connected to it and this will make me lay awake at night. but that's entirely on me. it was my fault for writing it in the first place even though i didn't know why it made me feel so dreadful.

the most important thing is that i only harmed myself and didn't hurt anyone else!!!! this small fact will lend me some sleep tonight.

kiwistillsleepy

nick stratos from the fosters compelled me so much in one clip i watched like a half a season of a show ive never seen just for him bc i was so curious what led to this grown ass man sobbing in a teenage girls bedroom only to be interrupted by lumberjack ellen degenerous and then promptly arrested

i was more surprised by the fact he’s supposed to be like 16-17 than him bringing a weapon to school

kiwistillsleepy

is it bad that i feel bad for him because i know he brought a weapon to school but first of all he was fucking delirious and delusional

but most importantly, the way i interpreted it, he never had plans to hurt anyone but himself. he brought the gun for himself but pointed it at mariana for leverage because he was desperate for someone to understand him and he didn’t think anyone would listen unless he MADE them listen. his end goal was to take his own life but not until someone could understand what was happening to him. he didn’t want to leave any ambiguity and he also really just wanted power for once in his life.

like don’t get me wrong. still a horrible thing to do. never ever ever okay. but i dong think he wanted to hurt mariana, i really don’t. i don’t think he wanted to hurt mat or jesus either.

if he DID want to hurt/kill other people that’s another story. and maybe he did. but in my interpretation he didn’t.

he still did hurt people, just mentally. all the students and their families that thought they’d never see eachother again. like jesus christ yeah i don’t think you should do that. terrible decision. not at all justified. but is it bad that i still think he’s kinda tragic? like he was pushed to the edge and he needed help? probably. i’m gonna get hate for this. ain’t i

(also i haven’t even gotten to his trial yet which allegedly happens at some point so i still have details to learn)

kiwistillsleepy

still tryna think of how to word this without sounding like an apologist

danger to himself? absolutely

danger to others? up in the air depending on how you look at it

VERY SCARY AND BAD to others? absolutely

am i a delusional rationalizing apologist? i hope not