A few days ago, while having lunch with a friend of mine, I couldn't help but notice a couple sitting outside eating as well. I couldn't take my eyes off of them because they were so OBVIOUSLY in love! All at once, it was the most beautiful and depressing thing to see. Beautiful, because they were unapologetically enveloped in each other, with blatant disregard for opinions or stares from others. They BOTH could have cared less about what people may or may not have been thinking about them. Depressing, because on more occasions than I care to admit, that kind of public display of affection has been withheld from me.
I've always been a hopeless romantic. For as long as I can remember, I've been in love with love, and what I think it looks like. Growing up, I didn't really see a lot of mutual shared physical affection between my parents. But thanks to Cliff & Claire, I knew there was more to this thing called marriage. I had my own ideas about what loving relationships should look like. When my dad would take us to the State Fair, or an amusement park in the summertime, I'd always gaze longingly at the teenage couples who were hugging and holding onto each other, while waiting in the long lines. I remember thinking to myself, "They look so happy! They're in love :-)". I couldn't wait until I was old enough to go somewhere like that with a boyfriend or date to see what it felt like to have someone be so interested in intimately sharing my personal space so publicly.
I literally met my first REAL boyfriend at the State Fair, and fell immediately under the spell of the nighttime lights and crisp Fall air. He was the best friend of MY best friend's guy.....so it all just felt natural. He couldn't have been farther from what I would say I was superficially "attracted to" at the time, but he was perfect. He showed me what it felt like to be loved...desired...adored, THAT much.
I have since longed for that sensation.
As I have matured, I've found, (or so I thought), that men are much more reserved with their affections in public. An occasional loose arm around the top of the shoulders (that may make it the short walk from the car to the destination), a rare kiss on the forehead or loose embrace that ends all too soon...are just a few of the lackluster experiences I've encountered as an adult. So, I found it safe to say that "guys are just not into PDA....they show their affection behind closed doors."
And....sadly to say, I got used to accepting that as my truth.
Then, just a few days ago, I watched, and I do mean WATCHED, this couple interact. They were SO overly affectionate that I was beside myself with wonder! And it wasn't all super mushy..like, not that "Gosh! Just get a room!" kind of affection. It was just small stuff....light touches...wiping the others' face of crumbs...fingers intertwined underneath the table...simple..commonplace...organic...but full of meaning. It was like watching a movie to me! And the GUY was into it too! I can't tell you how many times I've seen a couple, and the girl is clinging for dear life to the hand or arm of her beau, and it APPEARS that man is completely disconnected.
I asked my friend's opinion, and after debating that they were either rehearsing a love scene for acting class or he was about to go off to war, I got up and went over to them! I politely excused the intrusion, then asked them point blank "Are you guys rehearsing a scene or something, Or are you just that much in love?" They looked briefly at each other and then back at me, and in perfect sync with one another, they said "we're just that much in love". I clutched my chest and did a full "taken aback face and gasp", before saying, "Oh my God. I can't even breathe right now!" Within nanoseconds, me and all my CONSIDERATIONS started rationalizing... "they just got together, it's still new....they haven't passed the honeymoon stage yet....yeah, that's it". So, my next question, "How long have you been together?" Again, in perfect synchronicity, they replied "2 years".
I pardoned the interruption once again, and excused myself. Awestruck, I made my way back to my table and informed my friend of my findings, to which the reply was simply "oh". We were both confused. We were both feeling something....unsettling...but unspoken. The thing that I didn't report, and couldn't quite articulate...even now, was the look that the guy gave me upon hearing my first question. He raised his eyebrows, widening his gaze and peered over his shades at me, almost incredulously. It was as if I had asked the most ignorant question in the world. To me, his look said "of course we're in love...what else is there?"
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've NEVER experienced meaningful genuine, PDA. It's just that the experiences have been fleeting or so far and few in between, that they aren't a staple in my catalog of relationship memories. It's kind of embarrassing for me to even "say" this out loud, because the obvious response is that there is something wrong with ME and/or MY dysfunctional relationships.
A woman, with a few "serious" romances under my belt, yet I'm left wondering why my PDA, has mostly consisted of PRIVATE displays of affection.
Am I not worthy of being "loved out loud"? Or have I just been drawn to the kinds of guys who have too many 'loves' to go PUBLIC?
"Someday my Prince will come."
