I was thinking earlier about that thing that I said years ago. “I never want to change so much that people can’t recognize me.” Oh, to be that girl again. Young and excited with sparkling eyes. So much has changed since then.
There’s another thing I said, about how I’d never go back and erase the mistakes I made, because they were lessons. That’s changed, too. Sometimes it’s better to stop the bad things before they happen.
I wish time travel was real. I wish I could leave letters for myself with secrets that only I knew in them so that I’d believe myself (because yes, I’ve thought about it, and yes, that’s the only way I would know unless I was standing in front of myself, but I think that’s too intense and maybe not scientifically possible. But I don’t know). I would tell myself what not to do and what the consequence would be if I did it. Maybe that would ruin the fabric of space and time or whatever it is that people call that, though.
I used to be so torn, because my favorite thing in the world is writing music and sharing it with the world (okay, and also getting to wear cool clothes and travel and meet all kinds of people and get my hair done and have crazy-awesome experiences...) but my least favorite thing in the world is being famous. Problem is, you kind of need to be famous to be able to write music and share it with the whole world. I remember my parents telling me that I was going to have to make sacrifices, and I did. We all did. I just didn’t understand how all-consuming and constant those sacrifices would be.
Sometimes I feel like I destroyed their lives with my dream. But I know I was able to give them a beautiful house and pay for all of their medical expenses and spend a lot more time with them than most people spend with their parents. I just don’t know if that’s enough. I know that they love me, but again, all-consuming and constant. For all of us.
I wonder if they think all of this was worth it. If I could ask them and they would answer honestly, I wonder what they’d say. I used to wonder if I would do it all again, too. Sometimes, if I’d just come offstage from an amazing performance, I would say yes with no hesitation. Other times, when my phone was hacked into again or my name was being dragged through the mud or people were taking pictures of me while I was washing my hands in the bathroom at Target, I would say no. Flat out - no.
But I found a compromise. As Miley used to say on Hannah Montana, now I have the “best of both worlds.” And I am living that life. I’m laughing a little bit thinking about it, because I hadn’t realized, but yes, I am essentially Hannah Montana but backwards. I’m me onstage and at events, but I’m Morgan when I just want to go out. I’m 22, and I have brown hair, and I’m short! I’m 5′4″! I can be anything, but I like to blend in. And Morgan is the plainest, most normal person I can be.
I love being Morgan. I can go grocery shopping in sweats and sneakers. I can get coffee without being followed for three blocks by people who are yelling questions at me about boyfriends and new music. I can have a job - which I do. I have a job at Smoothie King! I also go to school! I’m going to college!
The sad part is that not even my mom can know. And I tell her everything. Or maybe it’s sadder that in order to do all the things that I can’t do as “Taylor Swift,” like put gas in my car, I have to do as someone else. I’m making up for lost time... but at least now I have the opportunity to make it up at all.
