Kneeling Submissive

i am happily owned by my Sire and i am not interested in any other Dominants. This is a NSFW 18+ blog - you have been warned.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Remembering Sire - again...

I got into a fight with the political nuts again - and it reminded me of the time when Sire saw that they were laying into me for agreeing with them... and the way that He made them actually sit and read what I was saying before they responded to me.

I think that a part of me will always miss Him and the lifestyle that I belonged to - but, in a way, I'm happy that I kept my promise when I said that He would be the last Dom I ever served.

I'm not saying that there's been a shortage of Doms of varying degrees asking for my submission... but more that I am broken now. I can't get back to that girl that I used to be.

[kneelingsubmisive]

What if I can't do it???

Its rough to try and be there for someone without getting sucked into their drama.

I'm not standing between a Dom and His submissive... Hell, I'm not even part of the lifestyle anymore - yet, he still respects me enough to seek out my opinion.

The downside is that he occasionally slips up and issues me with instruction... and I have to ignore that because I am nobody's submissive anymore.

[kneelingsubmisive]

I miss the lifestyle...

The past few days have been really rough for me and I found myself randomly looking at collars just to calm down and refocus myself.

While I have zero interest in the lifestyle or returning to it, there are still some things I miss from it.

Another strange feeling that I had today was a twinge of jealousy when I realised that a former prospective Dom has moved on with a new submissive of his own. I have no idea why I felt that way because I knew three years ago that he and I were not compatible.

He wanted me to do things that I wasn't 100% comfortable with and that my former Sire had told me not to do... yes, I was still hooked on Him at the time, despite the fact that He hurt me so much.

Anyway, I couldn't submit to him with that on the table... I just couldn't relax enough to let go - so I let him go to find the right submissive for him.

I haven't heard from the other guy who I thought was a good match for over a year now, either - so I guess that he lost interest in having me as a friend, too.

A lot of that was on him because I needed certainty in those early months after Sire left and he wouldn't give me that - so I moved forward in the vanilla world, where I was able to feel wanted and needed.

Unfortunately, I'm still a submissive, though and I can't shake that off... no matter how much I deny it and pretend to be something that I'm not.

Deep down, I still crave collars and to sit at someone's feet - even though I deny it and reject everyone else who has even tried to contact me about it. I would much rather live in the vanilla world and crave the BDSM world before I ever connect to someone so deeply that they can hurt me so much again. Twice was enough for me.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Sometimes, I wish it didn't have to be this way...

I miss being able to ask you questions... drawing on your experience of the lifestyle.

I have no one that I can talk to about any of this, though - I'm all alone now.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Once a submissive...

...Always a submissive.

The closer I get to doing what must be done, the more I feel like I need to feel a collar around my neck - and not just a day collar, I'm talking about a full on leather collar.

That would lead to some rather interesting conversations. I can't lie, though, it's one of few things that would calm and soothe me right now.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Just because someone walks out of your life, it doesn't mean that you don't miss them at times.

This time feels different to me, though... I'm not sure if it's you that I miss or what we once had???

One thing that feels certain in my mind is that three years of missed time and a couple of new languages is a hell of a lot for me to try and update you on.

Yes, I'm bloody lonely more often than not - but I'm not sure that I am lonely enough to put myself through the pain of contacting you only for you to abandon me in the next pandemic.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Dear Sire,

I updated myself on all the public recent events in your life the other day.

I still have issues with abandonment. I wonder if I will ever reach a place where I might be considered normal again???

I fixed my first paper jam in my printer today - without Google or asking anyone for help. It hurt me, though. I had to stand at an awkward angle to do it.

I'm just a round peg, trying to fit into a square hole

[kneelingsubmisive]

I miss it sometimes...

The lifestyle that I never really wanted to leave because of the safety and certainty that I felt in submission.

Even today, I saw a post from a submissive looking for a dominant. I simply told her that they are all fakes and flakes.

I was at least half way there though... after Sire left - that's all I found. Those who wanted to force me into things that I was never comfortable with. I struggled with sharing my pictures privately - so why would I want to post them publicly, for the world to see and download???

I still don't find that I miss the lifestyle enough to give up the vanilla life and go back to the search for another guy who wants me for a couple of years, though.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Dear Sire...

It's almost three years since the terrible night when you abandoned me...

I still remember it, in all its gory details, the way that I had a chest infection and had called my doctor to sort out a course of antibiotics to clear it up... but I was told that I had to self isolate instead. That was so new and unexpected for me - I was scared of spending 14 days stuck at home with the abuse that I live with (how little did I know at the time).

I went nearly crazy, trying to find you and reach out to you so that I could tell you what had happened. When I did finally track you down, it didn't even matter anyway... you didn't want me anymore. I was discarded.

I never understood why... I probably never will understand why??? I still remember my final words to you "I love you" - I remember your final words to me, too "Do not contact me".

That was difficult to comply with... especially when you messaged me earlier this year, but I held true to your wishes. I didn't even contact you when my mother passed away earlier this year.

Do you remember when I told you that I would never submit to anyone other than you??? And how you said that was blackmail??? Guess what??? I never submitted to anyone other than you!!!

Sure... I tried to find another Dom in those early weeks - but I couldn't find one worthy of submitting to... oddly enough, the only one who I did find that was worthy didn't want me until after I gave up trying and settled in the vanilla world. Now... he is waiting and still trying to reach my submissive side every chance he gets.

The other dom that I considered for a while was the sort who wanted me to post my nudes all over the place - and he was honest enough to tell me that, if I didn't choose him "soon" then he would drift out of contact with me - so I stopped messaging with him because I don't want my nudes all over the Internet. Sure enough... he drifted out of contact. I wasn't sorry to lose him, though.

I still struggle with my submissive side and the urge to submit from time to time - after all, I will always be a sub.

Trying to get the vanilla world to work is difficult when people just don't understand that you are often more nurturing than they may be used to... and you need to be allowed to care for them. It hurts when they reject your attempts to care, too.

[kneelingsubmisive]

I have discovered the joys of coloring these days...

[kneelingsubmisive]

I have a case of the squirmies...

I keep thinking through a scenario where Sire has taken me out for a drive somewhere... we have been shopping for some new heels for me to try. After our trip out, I feel squirmy and I'm deliberately pushing my plug deeper into my butt in the seat of the car. Sire finds somewhere secluded to pull in... and I don't waste any time in making sure that he is nice and ready for me as he reclines the back of his seat and I sit astride him. Feeding his huge cock into my cunt and using the steering wheel in front of me for leverage as I bring us both pleasure. I feel Sire removing my plug and inserting his fingers into the hole that he has created until I feel myself stretched wider than I was with the plug in. He switches holes so that he is in my dirty hole and reaches down to play with my clit at the same time. I can feel my cum building more than it was before and I don't hold back on the waves of pleasure consuming me.

[kneelingsubmisive]

I've never struggled with anything as much as I have struggled with this

I'm not a newbie to being released... I am usually able to bounce back from it - except for this time. I guess that is what I get for falling in love with someone. I'm still remaining silent as Sire requested of me, even though I desperately want to reach out to him. The fact that half the world is currently in lock down is helping at least a little, though. As far as moving on goes, I'm still stuck in a place where I can't move either way. I'm trying to distract myself with coin collecting resources and friends, though it does very little to keep my mind away from Sire and the thoughts that still torture me. In some ways, I wish I'd been physically tortured so that I had marks to explain the level of pain that I still feel.

[kneelingsubmisive]

Pretending To Be Strong...

Lol, I decided to take a leaf out of Sire’s book and fake it until I make it.

Now, I’m strutting around SW like i have buckets of confidence - though the remains of my heart are still fragile.

I’ve gotten the attention of another primal type - though he creeps me out more than a little. He’s way too young for me and he keeps trying to meet me in little space. The worst part has to be some of the fantasies that he feels the need to share with me right now. I’m repulsed by him and I know that I should consider him to be a dimdom and block him... but I honestly don’t see the point in doing it now that I am alone.

[kneelingsubmisive]

I Want A Cock...

I’m sitting here with the squirmies again... I really need to play, but I’m denying myself because I don’t want to end up breaking my heart again afterwards like I did last time.

That wasn’t a good cry. I’m figuring that I’ll hold out as long as I can before I play again. The pain will let me know when it’s play time. Obviously, I’m not going to find another Dom, never mind a decent one. I’ve only got to look at my sub friend for indication of that... but, then again, what’s the point of putting my cards on the table when I know that any advert that I place will only describe Sire??? I’d be far too specific and there’s no one who can stand up to that level of scrutiny.

I might as well stick to showing my vanilla friends S and how she thinks... at least I still get to be all 3 of myselves in this desert that I call life.

[kneelingsubmisive]

She Wished To Die

Closing her eyes She wished to die So she wouldn't live a lie Her heart suppressed a sigh And she wants to fly In the morning light Her fears reach new heights She fights with all her might To find a way that's right No matter how she twists and turns This love still burns And there's no returns Her heart never learns Maybe, in the end This is the only way to mend Such a huge rend Of a heart no one could tend

[kneelingsubmisive]

Untitled

She stood and watched Him walk away, Her heart begged Him to stay This was the price she'd pay At the end of the day. Deep in the dark Her emotions are so stark His words make their mark She struggles to hark Her mind is a mess Her world full of stress No need to dress She has no one to impress

[kneelingsubmisive]

Out In The Cold

Out in the cold There's no hand to hold The real estate is all sold Sinking into a world of mold Lost in a world of fears Her face filled with tears Wishing He was here To hold her near And reassure her that she is dear Deep in her heart They never part Their love, a work of art True as a dart