A 22-year-old waiting for life to begin

Nothing here can be used against me. If you try to I will come at you with razor blades and salty lemons. This is Jamey's personal blog. I'm going to be posting a lot of stuff on here, mainly about my feelings or whenever I need to let out a really good rant but can't on my main. Expect to see self-hatred, it's kind of what I do.

[knightintatteredarmor]

I can't tell if I just have really bad SAD for the first time or what but I'm just like so fucking sad most of the time lately.

[knightintatteredarmor]

There went my mood....

[knightintatteredarmor]

I feel like if I would just lose weight, I could actually be attractive.  But I just...can't.  I've tried a lot, and I only lose it in my face and my waist.  Nothing else.

[knightintatteredarmor]

I hate watching shows/movies where a character has father issues because it just reminds me that I'm a disappointment to my own dad.

[knightintatteredarmor]

Remember that time my grandpa asked me how much I weighed and when he told me I didn't know, he made me go weigh myself in the bathroom.  And how I was visibly not okay with it but my parents told me to do it as well.  And how I was shaking the entire time I walked to the bathroom.

Good times.

[knightintatteredarmor]

So let's see.  My dad says I'm snippy with him.  My dad says my mom is snippy with him.  My dad says my oldest brother is snippy with him.  My dad says my other brother is snippy with him.

If only there was a common thread...

[knightintatteredarmor]

I have two moods when I'm upset/having a really bad day:

Curl up in a ball and cry and hate every single little thing about me and wonder how I fucked up things so badly

So angry that the first person to legitimately piss me off will cause me to bring the wrath of the ancient goddess Hera down upon them

I'm currently leaning towards the first option and I'm trying to fight it because if I do I'm not going to be productive and I need to be productive.

[knightintatteredarmor]

[knightintatteredarmor]

I told my grandpa today about how Pitt Law sent me that email asking me to apply to transfer there (because apparently I forgot to tell him about that).  It wasn't much, just what happened and how I didn't want to do it because like 'wow are you really trying to get me to transfer because last time you rejected me'.

Then later he told me that he was really proud of me for not going through with it.  He said that he knew how badly I wanted to get there and how upset I was when I got rejected and that it was a sign of how strong I was that I wasn't willing to let them get to me or something and giving them the satisfaction of me reapplying.  He basically said "if you weren't good enough the first time, well tough shit for them, they're the ones who screwed up and are now crawling back to you because they had too many people leave and they need a headcount".

And like, idk if he's just being a grandparent and saying that.  Does it actually show strength or something that I didn't even entertain the idea of trying to transfer and basically laughed my ass off when I got the email?

[knightintatteredarmor]

Can someone take my sads away for a while so I can just not be?

[knightintatteredarmor]

When you have that one issue you feel like it would probably be really good to talk to someone about but you don't feel comfortable talking about it to anyone.

[knightintatteredarmor]

I'm like a puppy.  You can ignore me, abuse me, go lengths without talking to me or even showing me the slightest bit of interest.  But I'll always be here, waiting for you and wagging my tail when you come back and I'll act like nothing happened.

[knightintatteredarmor]

Confession time

Whenever I get really frustrated/stressed/hate myself, I tend to hit myself.  Like, full on punching and smacking.  I usually do it to my arms and legs, but sometimes I hit myself in the face.  It's never bad enough to leave a mark, but it hurts for the next day after I do it.  I also have a tendency to scratch myself.  The really slow, digging my nails in, dragging across the skin kind.

The good news is that I can usually feel it coming, so if I have a good enough distraction, I'm fine.  But it can get bad.

[knightintatteredarmor]

I'm this eclectic mixture of hurt, slighted, and offended, but also, so completely done and just generally "fuck it all".

[knightintatteredarmor]

I'm in that mood where I just wish for everything.

I wish I could sing

I wish I were more attractive

I wish people would actually listen when I talk and not just ignore everything I saw.

I wish I had some sort of talent

[knightintatteredarmor]

So I was watching this Simpsons clip which I've seen a billion times since I watch the show so much.  Except this time the whole impact of it hit me and I started crying.  I wish my mom were like this.  She has legit told me to stop being sad and basically to just bottle up any emotion I have.  My dad too.  I think this is why now I have issues talking about my feelings and things since it was drilled into me when I was young that the only acceptable emotion was happy.  Which is why I probably will never tell my parents about my terrible self-esteem issues and mild depression.  Because every time I've tried to bring it up, it just got ignored or shot down because I was "being ridiculous".

[knightintatteredarmor]

I wish there was a way that I could just, like, not exist for a few days.  Like not in a ~bad way.  Just...not exist.