a nagi/nagireo lockoff drabble
Choki's gotten bigger. So have you. But he'll keep growing, probably, while you'll — well — does it matter? It doesn't, does it? Not anymore. You don't have to try anymore.
You prod one of Choki's spines. Your fingers are callused, now. You thought about holding Reo's hand, that time, but he had gloves on, and he was crying, so — you couldn't, but you can't remember what the calluses on his fingers look like anymore. You never got to touch them, or kiss them. You never got to kiss Reo at all. You know you don't deserve to even think about him like that, but there some things you really can't help.
Guess it can't be helped, Reo used to say, laughing and ruffling your hair.
Guess it can't be helped, you echo to yourself now, because it can't be helped that he became more important than soccer, it can't be helped that you've always been a half-formed, unfinished creature, it can't be helped that your dream is over because you couldn't stand on your own, because you couldn't be the Nagi that Reo needed, and it can't be helped that one day, your calluses will fade and there will be no more proof that Blue Lock was real, and that you were —
Blood blooms on your fingertip.
You pull back quickly. Sorry, you tell Choki, the word sticking thick and heavy on your tongue. You wipe off Choki's spine carefully. He doesn't respond, but you find yourself staring, unfocused and vacant, and wondering what he would sound like if he could, but you can't really imagine any kind of voice besides Reo's.
It's a bit of a pain to try to remember your parents' voices these days. It's just been so long, but you at least know what they would say. That as long as you're alive, it's okay.
But you know, now, that there's a difference between being alive and living. You know so much more, now, after just months of being with Reo and everyone else, than you did from seventeen years of — well — you can't really call that living anymore.
Just like you can't really call this room home anymore. Can't call yourself a genius, or Reo's treasure anymore.
Can't do anything except close your eyes until the world fades away.
janainaart
stormborns
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
