Ain’t it silly? To return here after what seem like a millennia honestly? This isn’t some return at all. It’s a reflection of me scrolling this whole blog. The old life I had here wasn’t what I wanted, the friends are amazing but I look back today and laugh at how I matured in such a little time.
if you talked to me years ago you’ll be crazed about how much change I’ve been through actually. It’s good change I will say. Some of it with pain but in the end? I believe the change was needed. Reality hit like a train and it was the wake up call of a lifetime.
Growing up I was stupid. Made a lot of stupid decisions. Was exposed to bad people and believed some things were okay to do when they completely were not in my interest and were random bursts of moment things that I’ve grown to realize aren’t really me. It took time and effort but I’ve learned to overcome those obstacles and matured decently well.
Years of my teenage years, I let social media guide my hand and while I don’t regret the people I have met and the path my journey was placed upon? I believe I’d of made some better choices if I got to go back honestly. The person you may believed I was to be? A person full of sadness and pain? Was able to find happiness through all of the pain and suffering I endured.
Just a few years ago. I struggled at the edge of a building on my final minutes only to take a leap of faith one last time and changed my outcome. You don’t know who I am but I am not the little kid I once was and I am happy to say it. I finally am at a point of happiness that I dreamed of when I had a needle in my arm. When I hit that bong. When I was fucked up and felt like ending it all. I kept on going and fuck me I’ve made so much progress.
Not to say I haven’t been through some hell. I found the person who made me feel like the only person who mattered. Only to have her ripped away from me with a disease. My lover made me realize that in all my struggle in my life I was worth so much more than I gave myself credit for and in her time with me I realized just how much I deserve as a person. I may have lost my mind and my heart as of this time but I am still so proud of the progress I continue to make in being the person that little kid dreamed to be.
I fixed the relationship with my stubborn family, I left that shitty job, I discovered WHO I want to be and I’m no longer ashamed of wanting to be myself and that’s just the beginning. I’m finally free.
These may just be the rantings of a heartfelt idiot. But, this idiots heart is in the right place.
RIP 2022 My beautiful fucking angel. May Valhalla await me when my time comes