So...I confessed one of my most humiliating kink secrets to a podcast 🙈. This is a bit different (and not as wholesome) as what you might be used from me. You can hear it linked below at the 1 min mark, or read the long story here.
The following story is 100% true and one of my closely guarded secrets.
I know some of you like humiliation, but have you ever been turned on by failing a school exam? Well, that's what happened to me.
This story requires a bit of a background. I was a model student in high school. Had a 4.0 GPA and near perfect standardized test scores, held leadership roles on extracurricular activities, and always listened to my parents.
This got me admitted to a Top 10 university, where I first tasted freedom away from parents. I finally got to explore my sexuality, and spend time doing whatever I wanted.
This freedom came at a steep cost. I tried to be a good student at first, but without my parents' supervision, found myself spending hours and hours on video games, internet forums, YouTube, and gay porn sites instead of studying. I often procrastinated on homework and overslept the 8am classes. This was a big no-no at my university, which had the smartest students in the world, and I fell behind everyone.
Of course, I knew what I was doing was wrong. My guilty conscience weighed heavily on me. And when I got my first C on an exam, I was ashamed and promised myself I would do better.
Yeah. That worked for a while. But in my 2nd year, I got a ton of C's, D's and even F's on exams. Granted, these were difficult classes like Differential Equations, Organic Chemistry and Fluid Dynamics, but I was waaaaay behind the class curve. These are actual screenshots of the curve...
Organic Chemistry was a particularly embarrassing experience. I still have the midterm exam results, because I still jerk off to these 10+ years later. I got a 58 out of 100 on my first exam, 34 on my second, 11 on my third, and 27 on my final exam. Obviously, I failed the class.
What was extra humiliating for me, was that the professor would publish how well everyone did on the exams, to determine the grading curve. I could see exactly how low on the bar graph I fell, how many standard deviations I was away from the average, and how truly fucked I was.
A similar thing happened in other classes, and with a semester GPA below 2.0, I got placed on academic probation. Meaning I got a fellow student tutor assigned to supervise me weekly and had to meet with a special advisor to check my progress. It felt like the Scarlet Letter, but with an F instead of an A...
If I didn't improve my grades, I would be kicked out of the university on academic dismissal. You would think all of this would have taught me a lesson...but I guess I failed that lesson too. I got kicked out at the end of my 2nd year.
The kicker? I never told my parents. I intercepted the dismissal letter at home, and colleges don't send out report cards. I lied to my mom that I felt "burnt out" and needed a half-year break. Scandalous stuff for a former do-gooder like me. Silver lining is that I spent that semester off by working super hard at a job, and it's how I got into my current line of work.
After my half-year off, I applied to be readmitted to the same university. I had to write a long letter of atonement, explaining what I learned and how I would do better. I got my second chance, and in my first semester back, I did OK enough to pass.
You would think I would have learned my lesson at this point. But old habits die hard. I found myself falling down the rabbit hole of procrastination just a few months after being readmitted. I started failing again and got placed back on academic probation. Twice. And yes, I got kicked out of university again. This time, I was forced to take 1 year off.
I never told my parents this either! I'm such a naughty boy. What's worse is that all of these personal failures were turning me on at this point. It felt so taboo and I jerked off countless times to my terrible grades. One memory that gets me every time is an exam where I got the lowest score out of the 290 students in that class. Someone got a perfect score of 117. Class average was an 82. My grade? 24...
So yeah, I deserved to fail. To be honest, I never intentionally sabotaged my grades, and put some real effort into studying. I just didn't do it efficiently or correctly with procrastination. I probably have undiagnosed ADHD. But a part of me wonders if I subconsciously enjoyed failing too much and it impacted my grades...
All of this was a thrill because it felt so real. It wasn't a scene, and I faced real-life consequences. After getting kicked out the second time, I went back to the same job back when I got kicked out the first time. Worked hard again for a year, miraculously got readmitted to the same university again, and got decent grades. I was able to graduate, 2 years later than my peers, and with an embarrassing GPA of 2.4.
Yikes, can't put that on a resume. Luckily, I got to continue building my career at the place I worked when I got kicked out from college both times. I love my line of work and I'm doing really well professionally now. So I suppose it works out in the end, and I still get to cum to these embarrassing memories.
There's a little aftermath to this story now that my boyfriend knows about this...but that's a story for another time. Thanks for listening to my little weird story.
Super naughty student Jacey 😇
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