100 ways to say i love you | prologue
WORD COUNT | 2.898 words
MINI MASTERLIST | CHAPTER | Prologue | Chapter: one | Chapter: two | Chapter: three | Chapter: four | Chapter: five | Chapter: six | Chapter: seven | Chapter: eight | Chapter: nine | Chapter: tenÂ
JUST A WEEK AGO YOU THOUGHT THAT TOMORROW WOULD BE THE DAY WHEN YOU WOULD CONFESS YOUR TRUE LOVE TO THE PERSON OF WHO YOU COULDN'T GET ENOUGH OF. You had even planned it all out the day before. The exact location, how you would end up there, what you would be doing before that and how you couldn't hide your excitement. You were sure that it was a passing thing like most of your relationships ended like, but this time you were sure it was different and that your feelings were real. As real as you hoped Taehyung felt for you too until he decided that doing this wasn't what he wanted, and certainly not what you wanted. He wasn't wrong, you had to give him that, but what he did also wasn't the right choice.
"Y- you're moving to N- New York?" The truth of the reality hit you like a truck the moment his lips formed those words that you couldn't make yourself think about. The boy who you loved from the bottom of your heart was leaving you and there was nothing you could do about it.
"I tried to tell you that before but... I needed some time to think things through. Maybe find a solution that would be the best for both of us." That word 'us'. It no longer existed because he chose to make it that way. He had decided things on his own without giving you the chance to make something out of the whole situation. You were sure that together you could've worked something out that would benefit both of you and not destroy you. But that clearly meant nothing to him. Those two years mean absolutely little to him if he decided that this was the best way to go about this situation and you simply couldn't believe in his decision.
"A- a solution that would be best for us? Or best for you?" You barely had the strength to say those words out loud because you started to shake all over your body. You were mostly shaking from nervousness and partly from disappointment as well but you tried to not show it that much. You didn't wanna show how much he meant to you and how much his presence alone affected your life. He didn't have to know that you were basically going to crumble apart if he leaves you this second. He was just too good to see that. Even as your heart was hurting from the truth it was unbearable to hold yourself back from the emotions that have built inside you.
"Come on, don't make it seem like I wanted this." His pleading voice made you turn your current emotions into something else, something that made you even more sad to the turn of events. "You know that I don't wanna leave you under any circumstances... But you also know that I talk about this university all the time."
It was true, both of his statements were true. He told you almost every time you had a date or hanged out in the last four weeks that the last thing he would do was leave you. That he'd rather die than to have to say goodbye to that beautiful smile of yours and you always thought of how sweet he's being which made you all warm and shy inside like a little girl. But you weren't the only thing he shared his love for and that was what you, at the time when he told you about it which was six months after you started dating, didn't see as any kind of threat. It was normal that he was thinking about his future. You were also looking into different colleges and universities but didn't find the right place for yourself yet. On the other hand, he was certain he wanted to go to that particular school in New York and just now the thought about it was saddening from minute to minute. It was somewhat okay when he first told you about it, but now it seemed like a bad nightmare.
From that day forward, you tried not to think about him and what he had done. It was no use in doing so anyway because you knew what would happen and that was not on your list of plans. Crying was never a solution to anything, you thought. But you were still the one to break your own thought first just because you were a too emotional flower that didn't quite learn how to handle things in different ways than that. You knew that was so childish of you in the first place but you couldn't help the emotions that decide to mess with you when something you don't like happens. That flower that was blooming just a couple of hours ago was now fading into nothing.
Even Jungkook understands you which is why he is the first person from who you seek comfort that night. You were thankful that you had such a best friend like him that would aid you every time, and that was literally EVERY TIME, when life was being a d*ck to you and you were too torn to sulk alone in your room; oh and you were also thankful that he had his own apartment so that no one else besides him could see the state you were currently in. If anyone else saw you, that would've been the peek of embarrassment in your whole life.
Jungkook was understanding most of the times which led to you staying over at his place not wanting to be anywhere else than in his arms. Some would say that isn't acceptable in a friendship between a girl and guy, but you didn't see what the problem was. You two were made for each other in that sense. You were like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together which also means that you had rarely any fights. After all, you were childhood friends that had spent every day together either playing in mud and sand or with the dolls you collected like a hoarder in the past.
And as it was with younger children your and Jungkook's mom loved to say things such as "I am sure they'll end up dating when they grow up" or "look how good they are playing together, they'll surely end up together". To be honest, you never saw Jungkook in that way. To you, he was always the best friend you could ever wish for and you were sure your friendship would last as long as you were both breathing the same air.
"He is not worth your time, ________." Jungkook spoke softly as he willed himself to look at you as you sat there on his couch all cuddled up in blankets that he was nice enough to offer upon seeing the state you were in. "And you know better than to cry over him." His words were harsh and even hurt, but they were the naked truth. He was right, you shouldn't be showing any sympathy for someone that doesn't see your true worth. That just isn't the type of person who you learned to be and you know that very good, you just can't seem to make your heart believe in that and that's what makes the situation two times worse.
"You should've seen him. It was almost like he didn't care at all." You forced the words that you were pressing in the back of your mind out. They needed to be spoken to let the burden free you. Your voice didn't flatter when you said those sentences aloud, and neither did you regret them in the slightest. You were disappointed in yourself for letting yourself fall so deep for a person who wasn't mature enough to understand what anything of that meant. He was right to break up with you first because you feared that if you were in his shoes at that moment, you would've chickened out in the last minute. But he stood his ground because he wasn't you. The two of you didn't have the same look on the future as you just now realized and that's okay. You told yourself that you wouldn't hold any grudges against him and you were gonna stick with that decision till the end.
"Well, I don't think it was completely like that." Jungkook stood there awkwardly in front of you not being entirely sure how to handle the situation. "I think he didn't want it to end this way either."
"Whatever he wanted doesn't matter now. He made his decision and I'm gonna behave accordingly to it from now on. I won't let anyone trample on me and use me like this ever again." You were sure of your decision and you made a special note to yourself that would be the final time you would give your heart to someone you loved but that someone wasn't ready to give the same amount of love back to you.
You knew Jungkook wouldn't completely understand the situation you were in because, aside from you, he was in, what seemed, a happy relationship with Jisoo for almost two years. They almost seemed perfect for each other, like two characters in a fairytale that were made for each other, but just almost made for each other. There was still this feeling that something was missing in their perfect relationship that you couldnât wrap your head around it, not that you were particularly interested in Jungkookâs love life, but you still wanted to make sure that at least he was satisfied if the universe already decided that you shouldnât be.
"Okay." Still unsure of your feelings, Jungkook dropped the subject before you were again reminded of the loss you were trying to get over and instead opted to watch a movie in silence. You were so right about him, he knew when to drop a subject and to leave you alone but he also knew when to comfort you. Thatâs what made you good friends in the first place. You wanted to have someone in your life how knew you, the real you, and could catch on your needs without saying as much as two sentences. He was the best person for in your friends' group and your best guy friend at the moment.
Not long after the movie started, you were falling into a deep slumber that you didnât know you were longing and everything suddenly felt alright.
A light breeze passed along the ocean among the few people that were admiring the deep blues and right greens of the water that created sounds so heavenly to the ears that some would question their existence. And there in the distance, a boat was making its way home, probably after a successful day out on the sea. The fisherman controlling it was surely happy the day was coming to an end so he could go home to his wife and present to her the wonders that he brings that will help them survive the upcoming season and the wind was helping him move through the waves that flowed like melodies along.
Then it passed by the small sandcastle that was built to survive anything but wasnât as great to have been built from a professional. The child was still happy with its creation admiring how it stood its ground even though the wind wasnât mild to it. It created a form of happiness that the child wonât forget that fast because it was home to him as much as the boat was a piece home to the fisherman.
And here it came.
With its full power grazing the soft surface of his cheeks, traveling along his nose, down to his plush lips and back again. But he didnât mind. His eyes were concentrating on one thing only and he was afraid that if he sneaked even a glance to the Sun he would lose you.
He was... scared?
You wanted to look at the never-ending ocean but you were terrified to lose him. The ocean was scary because she wanted to take him from you and it was clear that he was tempted to risk it for just one second.
And then...
He did it...
And was gone.
Carried by the waves, listening to the symphony it created, he drifted away. Away from the world, away from his thoughts and most importantly, away from you.
You were hoping to feel his warmth against you, to feel his breath on you and to hear his steady heartbeat as you placed your hand on his chest. You did feel it beat steady, but it wasn't his. It felt more... complete on your palm as you listened to its sound. That's when you knew it wasn't Taehyung that you were longing for because he was long gone from anywhere near you. He was the whole reason you were in this state of mind and you couldnât seem to let it be the way it is supposed to be.
But here you were, finding comfort in the arms of your friend?
That word. It suddenly felt so... different, like it didnât have the meaning that it did a couple hours earlier when you were broken and crying in order to find some comfort in anything really. And he was there to offer it to you even though he didnât have to. It isnât his job to help you whenever you feel down but the simple fact that he was willing to let you in his apartment, gave you everything you needed and even stayed by your side the whole time meant something more which made your heart skip a beat just by the reality of the situation you were facing in this exact moment.
Right now it felt so right to be next to him and feel the way he breathed, the way he wasnât even aware what was happening as you laid beside him with your head on his chest and his hand like a shield around you. He was giving you exactly what you needed, and maybe, just maybe, he was something other than just a simple friend. But you donât know that. The two of you are friends since you knew of each other's existence and you were sure he saw you as close as part of his family at this point which was a good enough excuse for not feeling any kind of those special feelings towards you. You knew that he loved you as a sister probably and that was fine with you as long as it stayed that way forever.
You choose to let those thoughts vanish and to enjoy this moment as long as you can before you have to part ways because you need to continue living your life and stop interfering in Jungkooks all the time. You knew that was true because you werenât oblivious of your actions. He was happy with his life, and you need to find happiness in something other than his company.
And so, as you were slowly drifting away you made a mental note to yourself: "You are stronger than you think. You are not going to let anything control your life or even affect it because everything is going to pass with time, and you will find peace in your own success. With all that, love will also find its way to your heart and you wonât push it away. You will accept it with an open heart but with a guarded heart so that it canât break. And maybe someday, he will find that way and fight in order to keep it clear for him, and only him. He might do you good... but there is always bad and that, you simply canât control."
The days went by one by one and you were starting to get back into your daily routine. It wasnât easy to get used to no text messages from Taehyung every morning, but it was for the better and you made sure to repeat that sentence every time you find yourself longing for him in any way. For the most part, you succeeded if it was a good day. But not every day can be a pocket full of sunshine and on those days you make sure you donât have to communicate with anyone, not even with Jungkook. After the night of your break up when you were at his place something changed, and you werenât sure if you liked that type of change that soon. What happened, happened and you donât have any reason to feel bad for it. You need to accept that simple fact.
Were you in love with him?
Just that same moment you were ponding that question in your head the doorbell rang. You were clueless as to who that might be but when you were greeted by the mailman your heart dropped at the name written on the letter.
Since when does Jungkook send handwritten letters to you?
What you found inside the envelope was a surprise and led to indicate that this was more serious than you first had thought. It was a memory that began with a simple sentence that made you remember just what situation he was going to talk about in the letter.
Our first road trip.
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