I wish I was better. Physically and mentally. It'll forever haunt me what I know I should be like but I won't ever be able to be it. I know I won't ever be, because this feeling is constant. I know what I should be and what I could've been if only I've had helped myself sooner. Now I feel like it's harder to try and rise up again. I can barely remember how long it's been since I've achieved something. It's not just the academics, it's my actual life and everything around me. I know I could be better. Not in a situation where I feel like if one thing falls apart, another does until everything does. It's so tiring to think and feel like this but it also is so tiring to try to get yourself up. And I can't pity myself enough, because some people do have it harder. But this is the hardest thing for me. It feels like everything I've ever done in my past few years have vanished. I've vanished into something I never wanted to be, something I never expected to be.
I used to be so good in writing,I used to go for journalism. Now, I don't know. I write what I know but I don't know how to make an actual passable thing. It's so hard to function even in the activities I like the most. It's hard to find motivation, it's so hard to find some sort of acceptance that I won't ever be able to write and function the same way I did before.
I feel deeply, too deep to understand. I used to think it was different and fun. But I realize how much it took a toll on how my life goes. I got tired of thinking so I'd purposely try to shut down every possible thought by sleeping or taking random medications till I pass out. And I realized how unhealthy it was. But what was I supposed to do? I was so tired of succumbing into every little emotion I had that I just couldn't bear it anymore. Though I've tried that, it doesn't stop there. The thoughts, the feelings, the wonders, the constant perceptions of every little idea or situation happening. It does not stop. It never does. It haunts me in my dreams enough to think it is reality. I can't distinguish the difference anymore. And I feel like I've been into it too much I prefer to just let myself go into whatever abyss it leaves me in.
And I know, I know I'm fucked up. I'm surprised some people would stay friends with me longer than 2 weeks. I shut down on everything, on everyone. And sometimes I don't. I'm either too much or too little. I just don't know when to start or stop. I'll either force myself too deeply just for a person to leave me or to love me. And it's indistinguishable what happens next if I do.
I'm like a ticking bomb. I burst with too much emotion. Or sometimes I burst at myself. Any type of way.
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