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Welcome to KPLR Radio Station! We're the only radio station in Kepler, West Virginia, which is inside the National Radio Quiet Zone. We're here to keep y'all updated on the latest news, and bring you some good tunes!

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Rob Kranken, 02/02/19

Rob: Good evening everyone, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio. It’s me, your host, Rob, and tonight I’m feeling kinda zany! Full moon’s not for another couple weeks though, so who knows. I’m no werewolf. Or am I? Nah, I think that’d be a pretty boring kind of monster to be. Where’s the originality? No offense to any werewolves out there, I’m sure you’re chill. Traffic tonight, clear as ever, empty as ever, if you’re driving right now: why? It’s midnight. Go to bed. Except you, Duck, I know you listen when you’re on the night shift. Keep an eye out for the Mothman or whoever’s out in those woods. Weather is nice, clear skies for once, it’s a little warmer than usual. February second, Groundhog Day, that’s today. If time is looping for you right now, please call in! I’d love to help you solve your chronological conundrum. [pause] No? No one? That’s good. I’ll turn the tunes back on for y’all, this is “Original Sin” by Brick + Mortar.

[Original Sin Brick + Mortar] [My Body Young the Giant] [Tall, Tall Tale AWOLNATION]

Rob: This is 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “My Body” by Young the Giant and “Tall, Tall Tale” by AWOLNATION. Y’know, since I’m feeling wacky, why don’t y’all call in? Questions, comments, whatever. Oh, got one. Hey!

Caller: Hey, J— Rob? It’s Angelo, are you okay? You’re acting weird.

Rob: I’m fine, Angelo, everything is completely a hundred-percent chill.

Caller: I… okay [click]

Rob: Thanks Angelo for worrying about me, but I promise, I’m fine! Next caller?

Caller: Hey guys I’m Amanda, this is my sad mess of a friend Joe, he got rejected by a dude who didn’t like him back— [muffled, different voice: Don’t tell them my life story] and I got turned down by Joe because he’s not into… [background voice: Aw **** it just say it, it’s cool. ] —gay and I just found that out, so I’m definitely NOT gonna pursue that anymore. So we’re both kinda bummed out but anyway, can you play “Bad Day” or whatever that song is? Thanks.” [background voice:  Haha oh my god really?]

Rob: Can do, my friends. Sorry ‘bout your situation, it sounds pretty sucky. Here’s “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter.

[Bad Day Daniel Powter]

Rob: Hope things get better for y’all. Do we have another caller? We do! You’re live.

Caller: Hey Rob, it’s Bonnie. I was wondering: what goes into a good radio advertisement? I wanna make one for the bafé but I don’t know what to say. Also, how many tarts do you want me to bring over? I have a bunch leftover.

Rob: Uhh, I mean, include the name of the business, obviously, the address, general menu or services, some personal flavor if you want. And, uh, the tarts? I mean, you could bring some. Maybe you should deliver some to those people whose hearts got broken. Ha! Tarts For Broken Hearts. Put that in the advertisement. Any more calls right now? No? Okay folks, I’m gonna put the music back on for a bit, but call in if you wanna say something. Anything. Except curse words, I can’t put those on here. This is “Animal” by Miike Snow on 103.5 KPLR Radio.

[Animal Miike Snow] [It Will Come Back Hozier] [Soft Fuzzy Man Lemon Demon] [Bird Song Florence + the Machine]

Rob: Oh, looks like we got a caller. Hello?

Caller: Rob how do you set a good example for teenagers?

Rob: That’s tricky. Teens are smart, they’re basically adults with bad decision-making skills. So make good decisions. I know it’s going to be very hard because no one actually knows how, but just do your best. Or better, do your worst, so the teens are so disappointed in your actions that they want to do better. Hope that’s helpful! This is 103.5 KPLR Radio, and this next song is “Bleed Magic” by I Don’t Know How But They Found Me.

[Bleed Magic I Don’t Know How But They Found Me] [Train Brick + Mortar]

Rob: Ooh, another caller. Hello?

Caller: Rob how do you carry out painful revenge without getting caught?

Rob: That was fast! Did the teens already ostracize you and steal your tech-decks? Should’ve listened to My Chemical Romance, they very clearly detail how terrifying teenagers are. But I would say just act so extremely evil that they think you’re just trying to scare them, while you secretly put your subterfuge plan into motion. [door opening noise] Huh? Oh [muffled talking] Okay everyone, I’ll be right back, this is “Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance.

[Teenagers My Chemical Romance] [The Nerve The Brobecks] [Take My Love And Run Bad Suns] [Simple Romance COIN]

Rob: Alright everyone, I’m going to have to end the broadcast early tonight. Thanks for sticking with me, or if you didn’t, that’s cool too. Talk to you all later!

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/30/19

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers]

Angelo: That was “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers. Hey everyone, it’s 6:01 on this fine Wednesday morning here on 103.5 KPLR Radio! I’m your host for the morning news, Angelo. Speaking of which, let’s do weather and traffic. Roads are clear, but there is some ice so keep an eye out. Weather is overcast but chances of rain are looking to be low. Another grey January day, you know how it is. Before I get into the rest of the news, let’s here a word from our sponsors.

[Audio advertisement transcript: Are you interested in the arcane? The mystical? The strange? Then come on down to The Witch Shed, this world's newest gateway into the world of magic. Our shelves are lined with all the items you'll need to fully access your arcane energies, and let out your inner witch.]

Angelo: Thanks to The Witch Shed for sponsoring us this week! I haven’t actually been there yet, I should go check it out. Alright, we’re getting deeper into hockey season, and our Kepler Cosmos have been on fire! They won against the Point Pleasant Moths and the Fairmont Fairies, and are looking to take on the Charleston Challengers this Saturday. That’s going to be an away game for us, so if you want to show up to support our team then you better make plans soon. Also, as we’re getting closer to spring, everyone’s favorite Kepler Kommunity Theater is asking for extra volunteers to assemble sets. That being said, if you see Mack on the street, do not make eye contact! Next thing you know you’ll be backstage with a screwdriver. That’s all for the news, folks, I’ll let you get back to the tunes. This is “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus.

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris] [Thank God I’m A Country Boy John Denver]

Angelo: Those were “If I Could Only Win Your Love” by Emmylou Harris and “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” by John Denver here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. Y’know what I think it’s time for? Angelo’s Advice Hour. Call in with your questions and I’ll answer them with the best possible answer.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Caller: Angelo! you got any ideas for cryptid themed desserts?

Angelo: Oooh, that’s a good question. To be honest, I’m not much of a cook myself, so I’m not creative in the kitchen. Based on alliteration alone though, I think Mothman macaroons— macarons? I don’t know the difference. Those, maybe Bigfoot print-shaped cakes? Or, oh, you could do blue Jell-O with Nessie in it, that would be fun. Chupacabra cinnamon bites? I don’t know, I’m just saying things now. Hope that helps! Next caller, you’re on!

Caller: Angelo? I can see ominous big bird, I’m at around (insert place name where this could possibly happen), and, oh crap. He’s big, like ******* huge, man like 8 feet I think? Longish legs. Freaks me out. Feathers are a really dark blue and I see some yello-OH MY GOD HE LOOKED AT ME! HE’S LOOKING AT ME NOW OH MY GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS ME I’M BACKING AWAY HE’S GETTING CLOSER OH MY GOD **** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH **** [click]

Angelo: Uh, well, I don’t— I don’t know how to help you, but hopefully you’re okay. I’m going to— I’m gonna put the music back on, I’ll be right back, I gotta check something. Uh, this is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney] [Personal Jesus Johnny Cash]

Angelo: Okay, I’m back. That was “Live a Little” by Kenny Chesney and “Personal Jesus” by Johnny Cash. I’ll take the next advice caller now.

Caller: Hey it's Cat again what kind of coffee do you want? I forgot your order sorry. Also might be a bit late the cops are- ****! **** okay gotta run! Still answer though thanks I'm almost there!

Angelo: A latte, I guess— can you not break the law on live radio? Thanks. Hello, actual caller.

Caller: Hey there Angelo! I was wondering if you could answer this question that me and my friend have been debating. Is saltwater less moist than freshwater? Thank you!!!

Angelo: See, that depends on your definition of moist. If you mean wet, then they’re both wet. If you mean which one will leave dampness, the freshwater will be more damp because there’s not nearly as much salt to dry out your skin. And if I recall correctly, saltwater doesn’t create dew as much as freshwater does. That was a good question. Who’s next?

Caller: Hey it's Cat again! You look like a responsible adult so you should know the answer to this- how many shots of expresso can you fit in one cup before it's fatal? It's urgent.

Angelo: Now I have a feeling this is related to your last call so I’m going to say my go-to is one shot for every four ounces. What you do with this information is on you, because I said absolutely no total number of ounces or shots. I’m going to put the music back on while I have a talking-to with my coworkers about reasonable ******* behavior. This is “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash.

[God’s Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash] [A Working Man Can’t Get Nowhere Today Merle Haggard] [I Want A Cowboy Reba McEntire]

Angelo: Alright, I’ve returned. That was “A Working Man Can’t Get Nowhere Today” by Merle Haggard and “I Want A Cowboy” by Reba McEntire here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. And it looks like we’ve got time for one more caller. You’re live!

Caller: Hey! Talk about shadow people!

Angelo: Alright! I’m assuming you mean the cryptid, because that’s the one I have notes on. Shadow people have been reported all around the world, in many different contexts. Sometimes the shadows hover, other times they chase or attack people. They are usually a human shaped- blur of darkness, although they are reported to be larger than humans most of the time. Some are described as being almost misty in composition, while others are solid but featureless. Some have eyes, some don’t, and there have been attempts to classify shadow behavior by their eyes but due to the anecdotal nature of the research it’s hard to do. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about a cryptid today, listener! My show is coming to an end, but if you want more horror and cryptid stuff you can check out my podcast “Scary Stories LLC” where me and a guest make up a horror movie based on listener suggestions. This is 103.5 KPLR Radio, and I leave you all with “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver.

[Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Rob Kranken, 01/26/19

Rob: Hello, everyone, it’s midnight here on 103.5 KPLR Radio which means it’s time for me to get on the mic. I’m doing alright tonight, y’know? It’s my last shift of the week, I’m excited to be here. Let’s have some music! This is “Bones” by the Killers.

[Bones The Killers] [Simplify Young The Giant] [Miracle Man AWOLNATION]

Rob: That was “Miracle Man” by AWOLNATION here on 103.5 KPLR Radio, with “Simplify” by Young the Giant before that. Tonight’s traffic reports that there is nothing on the roads, as usual, and we’re looking at partly cloudy skies for the whole weekend. Looks like there will be some wind, but nothing too bad, just 20 miles per hour at most. And here’s a message from our sponsor this week, Whistle’s Auto.

[Audio Advertisement Transcript: Come on down to Whistle’s Auto, where our engine-uity will have your car back on the road in no time. Hear that? [drill noise] That’s us driving our point home. If you’re tire-d of your old vehicle, you can fuel your need for a new car at Whistle’s Auto! It’s the wheel deal! At the end of 5th Avenue.]

Rob: Thanks Whistle, we here at KPLR Radio appreciate your contribution to community radio. Anyways, I think I want to hear from y’all tonight. I had a pretty empty show last night without people calling in, and it’s a weekend night, so I figure more people will be up. While these next songs play, feel free to call in! This is “Stolen Dance” by Milky Chance.

[Stolen Dance Milky Chance] [Such Great Heights Postal Service] [Train Brick + Mortar]

Rob: We’re here at 103.5 KPLR Radio, and that was “Such Great Heights” by Postal Service followed up by “Train” by Brick and Mortar. Looks like we got someone on the line. Hello!

Caller: Rob? It’s me Katie graves. I GOT THE DATE, I GOT THE DATE—OH MY GOD, IT’S HAPPENING, THANK YOU, SOOOO, MUCH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Wait, I shouldn’t have screamed, right? Sorry! uh, thank you so much Rob! [click]

Rob: It’s alright. Congratulations! I’m glad I could help you out. And good luck on your date! Who’s next?

Caller: Hey Rob! It’s me Bonnie again! How do you do that mimic thing with your voice? Also like how do you make doorbell noises with your mouth? That seems impossible, but I saw you do that yesterday.

Rob: Practice, my friend! I’ve been working on impressions since I was a kid. And when I was in school, centuries ago, I studied linguistics to figure out how language works. At this point it’s second nature to mimic the sounds around me, y’know? Be thankful that there’s not more Foley work on my show. Alright, I’m gonna play some more tunes, but keep the calls coming! This is “Cocoon” by Catfish and the Bottleman on 103.5 KPLR Radio.

[Cocoon Catfish and the Bottleman] [Take My Love and Run Bad Suns] [Talk Too Much COIN]

Rob: I’m back! That was “Take My Love and Run” by Bad Suns and “Talk Too Much” by COIN on 103.5 KPLR Radio. I’m still taking calls, for advice or commentary or just to talk. Oh, here we go. You’re live on air.

Caller: Hey Rob— this is Mack, by the way— you’ve been playing a lot of love songs tonight? Is that intentional or…?

Rob: Oh, uh, have I? It wasn’t intentional, I don’t think. I’m not in love, if that’s what you’re implying, and I know it is.

Caller: If you say so. While you’re doing love songs though, do you think you could play Tainted Love?

Rob: Of course I can, thank you Mack for the excellent suggestion. Here’s “Tainted Love” done by Soft Cell.

[Tainted Love Soft Cell]

Rob: Excellent, a great song. Who’s next?

Caller: Rob! What are your tips for solving a murder? Also, what’s a good mystery solving song?

Rob: Tips for solving a murder… well, I’d say number one is don’t get murdered yourself. It’s very easy to get wrapped up in the deduction process and lose focus on the actual murderer, who is right behind you with a gun. Number two, talk to people. I’m sure it’s scary, but you have to ask around to figure out what happened. Number three, definitely disrupt the crime scene as much as possible and make it very hard to collect evidence. That way only you will be able to solve the case. As far as mystery solving songs go, here’s one I like.

[Never Gonna Give You Up Rick Astley]

Rob: A great song, right? Hope all that helped. I’m gonna go back to the music for now, but feel free to call in and I’ll pick you up once that song ends. This is “Favorite Liar” by The Wrecks.

[Favorite Liar The Wrecks] [Soft Fuzzy Man Lemon Demon]

Rob: Hey, we got someone calling. Hello!

Caller: Hey, uh, Rob, it’s Angelo, it’s— I don’t really have much to say, actually, just thought I’d let you know I was listening so you don’t start bullying me on the air.

Rob: Well now that you’re here, I’m gonna bully you more than I planned. Listeners, Angelo is an obscenely nice person, it’s the worst. He’s too creative, he’s coming up with every good idea so there are none left for the rest of us. And he’s mastered the geek chic look, so much so that every time he comes into work I feel like I’m in pajamas. I mean, usually I am, but still.

Caller: Well, I have to retaliate. You, J— Rob, are a nuisance, always coming into my office with funny jokes. And you know like, so many languages, how do you do it? I’m still a little convinced you’re an international spy, but you haven’t murdered me yet, so I’ll continue to tolerate you, I guess.

Rob: That’s good news, because I will outlast you. Thanks for calling, Angelo, I’ll see you on Sunday. Let’s go back to the music. Here’s “Talk” by Hozier.

[Talk Hozier] [Under Wavves] [First Cold War Kids]

Rob: Alright, that was “Under” by Wavves and “First” by Cold War Kids. And it looks like the sun’s coming up, which means I’m done here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. Thank y’all for hanging out with me tonight, I’ll be with y’all again on Monday. Here’s “Tongues” by Joywave, my last song of the night.

[Tongues Joywave]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/23/19

[Wide Open Spaces Dixie Chicks]

Angelo: Good morning everyone, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “Wide Open Spaces” by Dixie Chicks. I’m here in the studio, it’s actually been a pretty good morning, but I’m a morning person anyway so I’m probably biased. Anyway, I hope y’all are doing alright. It’s a clear Wednesday morning, we’re looking at sunshine all day, hopefully it’ll melt some of that ice. There’s a minor fender bender out on the main road, but it looks like it’ll be settled soon. That’s it for this morning’s news, let me play you a message from our sponsors.

[Audio Advertisement Transcript: Come on down to Whistle’s Auto, where our engine-uity will have your car back on the road in no time. Hear that? [drill noise] That’s us driving our point home. If you’re tire-d of your old vehicle, you can fuel your need for a new car at Whistle’s Auto! It’s the wheel deal! At the end of 5th Avenue.]

Angelo: Thanks so much to Whistle’s Auto for sponsoring us this week, we really appreciate it. I’ll play some music for y’all as I’m sure plenty of you are on the way to work. Here’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver.

[Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney] [God’s Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash]

Angelo: That was “Live a Little” by Kenny chesney and “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash. And it looks like we’ve got some time, so how about an Angelo’s Advice Hour? Call in now and I can answer y’all’s questions on anything and everything.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Caller: I think I bought a haunted *** couch and I’m gonna cry into my ******* mac and cheese. I don’t want to deal with spirits I just need to study!

Angelo: Well, I don’t know what ghoulish side effects this couch is inducing, but I’d say invest in some anti-spirit protection. I believe the antiques store has some guides on that. Salt doesn’t work, television is lying about that. But there’s some basic sigils that should keep your home ghost-free. Who’s next?

Caller: I have no idea who knows I’m a lesbian and who doesn’t and I really hate the whole “oh hey by the way I’m gay” so uhhhh do I just casually say I love women’s hockey and plaid flannels? Start painting rainbows? Let the revelations happen whenever?

Angelo: Yeah, coming out is tricky. In my experience, it’s easier to leave it up to interpretation than try and announce yourself whenever it comes up. The people who need to know will get it, usually just by being around you. If you want to do those things, go ahead. And maybe try and surround yourself with other people who like those things, and people will make the association themselves. Like, when I bleached my hair and started working at the radio station, it became very obvious that I’m gay, y’know? I hope that helps! I’m gonna play some music for y’all but we’ll be back with more questions in a bit. This is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [I Want A Cowboy Reba McEntire] [Friends In Low Places Garth Brooks]

Angelo: We’re back, folks, on 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “I Want A Cowboy” by Reba McEntire followed up by “Friends In Low Places” by Garth Brooks. I’ll be taking more advice questions, and it looks like we got a caller.

Caller: I’m gonna fight a raccoon. [click]

Angelo: Well alright then. Hopefully that wasn’t my coworker, although I can’t say I’ve never seen him try and fight off a raccoon before. Good luck, listener, I guess? Who’s next?

Caller: Hey it's Cat again what kind of coffee do you want? I forgot your order sorry. Also might be a bit late the cops are— ****! **** okay gotta run! Still answer though thanks I'm almost there!

Angelo: Uh, okay, can you get me a latte? Also why are the cops— nevermind just tell me when you get here. Any real advice questions? Hello, you’re on air.

Caller: Hello, I just have a quick thing and it's has to do with my birth mom who just showed up after 18 of no word, demands to spend time with me but doesn't respect who I am. I feel like I owe her something since she is my mom but honestly I don't know. What do you think?

Angelo: That’s tough. I definitely think you aren’t obligated to spend time with her. I think… it could be helpful to have a conversation on what caused her to leave for so long, but if you don’t feel ready for that then you shouldn’t have to. Especially if she doesn’t respect who you are. But definitely you don’t owe her anything. I’ll go back to the music now, but we’ll be back afterwards for more of your questions. This is “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers] [Seven Year Ache Rosanne Cash] [Jolene Dolly Parton]

Angelo: That was “Seven Year Ache” by Rosanne Cash, and “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. Let’s get back to your questions. You’re on the air.

Caller: Hey! I was wondering if you could give me some advice? I have a huge crush on someone but I'm not too sure if they like me back.. Any tips for knowing?

Angelo: That’s the age-old question, innit? To be honest it varies so much from person to person, what their tells are. Some rules of thumb are if they go out of their way to be around or touch you, if they single you out in a group setting, and if they mention thinking of you at a point that you weren’t together. Still, those can be tricky, so I’d say having an honest conversation is the best way to go. Not that I can talk, but you know how it is. This is advice for you, not me. Hope that helps! [click] Hey, you’re live.

Caller: Ah yes hello, I was wonder if I could have advice one what sort of gift I should give someone to let them know that I'm attracted to them? I'm honestly hopeless about these kind of things. Any advice you have would be wonderful.

Angelo: Lots of romance stuff today. I get it, Valentine’s Day is coming up in less than a month. But this is a really good question. There’s two ways you can go with this, one of which I can’t really talk about on the radio. The sincere way is giving them stuff they like and/or need. If you’ve been paying attention when they talk, which is usually how getting a crush on someone works, you’ll probably hear what they like or what they would rather avoid. From there, it’s up to you. Alright, looks like we got one more caller on the line. Hello!

Caller: I’m in the mood to yearn. You’re good with music please and thank you.

Angelo: Today has been pretty yearn-y. Here’s a couple tender tunes, starting off with “Red River Valley” by Marty Robbins.

[Red River Valley Marty Robbins] [It’s A Sin Eddy Arnold] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris]

Angelo: That was “It’s A Sin” by Eddy Arnold followed by “If I Could Only Win Your Love” by Emmylou Harris, here on 103.5 KPLR Radio. I’ll see y’all tomorrow morning, 6 AM sharp! Here’s “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus.

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Rob Kranken, 01/18/19

[Fire Escape Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness]

Rob: Good evening everyone, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio, that was “Fire Escape” by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness. I’m your host, Rob Kranken, with you on this Friday night going into Saturday morning. It’s about 30 degrees outside and I am huddled in my studio with my jacket on and a blanket that I found in a storage closet. No one is on the road, and I’m hoping it stays that way ‘cause we got a lotta ice out there after Thursday's storm. In more personal news, I talked to Angelo as someone last week advised. I’ll respect his privacy on-air but I do think you were right. And besides, he’s alright to talk to. Much better than some of the interns. Speaking of which, those kids are so easy to mess with. You’d think a strange town like Kepler would give you immunity to a few scary goofs. Anyways, I’ll stop blabbering, here’s “Daydreamer” by Young The Giant.

[Daydreamer Young the Giant] [Shutdown Joywave] [Train Brick + Mortar] [Way Too Much Wavves]

Rob: That was “Shutdown” by Joywave, and then “Train” by Brick and Mortar, and “Way Too Much” by Wavves. It seems like it’s gonna be a pretty quiet night so I’ll go ahead and fill the silence before I leave you all to more music. So it’s January, right, the start of a new year. And people make those resolutions, and this, maybe two weeks in, is when a lot of people start falling off. First of all, if your goal involves weight loss, I’d recommend not bothering. Unless a medical professional tells you that and means it, and they’re not just being a prick, then you don’t need to lose weight. Second of all, if you drop off now you don’t have to wait ‘til next year to pick it up. Say you’re trying to learn a language. That Duolingo owl is still gonna be there in a month if you get too busy. And besides, languages are not easy and are never gonna make sense, so I’m proud of you for even trying. Now I’m an old man, I’m— I’m 42, so I haven’t made a New Year’s resolution in quite some time. But this year I was… well, I had something in mind. I was thinking this year I should get some hobbies outside radio, something I can do on my own. And I… I haven’t found anything that really sparked my interest yet, but like I said, the year isn’t over. So keep searching, I’ll keep searching, we all gotta keep searching. Then we’ll start over next year, hopefully as better people. I’ve rambled enough. This is “Cringe” by Matt Maeson.

[Cringe Matt Maeson] [I See You MISSIO] [Salt Bad Suns] [So Tied Up Cold War Kids, Bishop Briggs]

Rob: So that was “I See You” by MISSIO, “Salt” by Bad Suns, and “So Tied Up” by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs. It looks like someone’s calling in, and now is as good a time as any, so I guess we’ll move into this part of the broadcast. Listeners, feel free to call in with whatever. Questions, comments, messages for other Keplerians. Hello, you’re on the air.

Caller: I was out in the woods the other day and I stumbled upon some mighty weird tracks. They looked a bit like goat prints, but they was looking like each goat was up two legs. I followed 'em for a bit before they turned into normal footprints. Actually, now that I'm thinking 'bout it, I suppose they was just some bored kids out havin' some fun.

Rob: Well, you never know. The woods are a wild place. Who can say? Maybe there’s goat people out there. I don’t know. Just keep an eye out, or better yet leave that area alone. Stay safe. [click] Howdy.

Caller: Hey Karen, I’m really sorry that I pushed you in front of me when that weird thing was coming at us. I was a coward. Please talk to me.

Rob: Karen, if you’re out there, and listening at such a late hour, this person seems sincere, maybe give them a chance. Or don’t, I don’t know what happened. [click] Who’s next?

Caller: Play some bleachers please? I'm feeling angsty.

Rob: Can do, listener. How’s five songs work for you? Great. This first one is “I Wanna Get Better.”

[I Wanna Get Better Bleachers] [Rollercoaster Bleachers] [Wild Heart Bleachers] [I Miss Those Days Bleachers] [Don’t Take The Money Bleachers]

Rob: That was “Rollercoaster” “Wild Heart” “I Miss Those Days” and “Don’t Take the Money” all by Bleachers. Feels kinda fitting for tonight’s mood. I didn’t mean to make it as angsty as it ended up, but you know how it is. Every plan adds to the amount of mistakes possible. Anyways, I’m gonna play this ad for y’all that I’ve been meaning to do.

[Audio advertisement transcript: [haunting orchestral music] Have you ever heard a true story that couldn’t possibly be real? Or maybe seen something you couldn’t believe with your own two eyes? No? [music cuts off] Then you’re not living, my friend! Come on down to the Cryptonomica, we have centuries of hidden knowledge of the arcane and the mystical! Stories beyond suspicion, creatures beyond compare! We’re just off State Route 16055. The Cryptonomica: a museum for the mysterious.]

Rob: Thank so much to the Cryptonomica for sponsoring us this week and every week since I’ve been here. This means that Ned Chicane is directly responsible for every impulse purchase I have made. You did this, Ned, you’re the reason there’s a gold metallic Slinky on my desk right now. I’m gonna talk about my personal life now, because no one is here to stop me. And I’m sure you’re all dying to hear the gossip here at the station. So, of course, station management is on us constantly about our use of the office materials here. We’re on a budget, you can’t be using this many sticky notes, where are all the pens, blah blah blah. Whatever. Now, I can be a little loose with my sticky note usage, but I promise I’m not wild with it. I usually leave them for whoever is next in the studio, usually Angelo, and I’ll mark the settings that need to be adjusted. Believe it or not, Angelo is actually new at radio, despite his wildly successful podcast and powerful voice. Don’t tell him I said any of that. But yeah, I’ll leave notes around. Then, the other day, station management says they won’t keep buying the sticky notes if I keep using them up. Which seems counterintuitive, but I don’t know. I’ve never understood capitalist business models. This is community radio, anyway. But I was starting to cut down on my notes. Only four notes instead of seven. Only one in the kitchen with all the stuff crammed in tiny lettering. Is that what you wanted, supervisor? To try and read my illegible handwriting, extra-small? Well, Angelo was actually using those notes, like I said. And apparently, when I was out today, he got me one of those huge packs of the pink ones, my favorite. I came back and they were sitting on my desk with a green sticky saying they were from Angelo. Now I don’t know about any of you out there, but when the sticky note revolution comes, I know whose side I will be on. There is no greater solidarity than rival coworkers coming together against an oppressive anti-sticky note management. I… it’s late, sorry y’all, I’m not too sure what that was. Anyways, I’m going to cut out a little early tonight, but I’ll leave you some extra tunes to make up for it. Thanks for listening, here’s “I Don’t Wanna Dance” by COIN.

[I Don’t Wanna Dance COIN] [Modern Jesus Portugal. the Man] [Giants Bear Hands] [Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene Hozier]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/16/19

[Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus]

Angelo: Good morning, Kepler, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio, and that was “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope y’all are doing well on this fine Wednesday morning. I’m here in the studio, drinking some coffee, and I’m excited for the day! Let’s get into the news, shall we? Traffic is still great, there’s still some ice on the roads but y’all seem to deal just fine with that. Weather is getting cloudy, with a chance of rain or hail this evening going on into tomorrow morning. The local hockey team, the Kepler Cosmos, is going against our bitter rivals, the Snowshoe Swans, this Friday, so be sure to get your tickets and support them. As is usual for Wednesdays at this point, I don’t have much news to report. At least, not officially. Why don’t I put on some songs to give y’all time to think, and when I get back I’ll take y’all’s calls on anything weird or creepy you saw these past few days. This is “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.

[The Gambler Kenny Rogers] [The Devil Went Down To Georgia Charlie Daniels Band] [Seven Year Ache Rosanne Cash]

Angelo: Alright, that was “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band, followed by “Seven Year Ache” by Rosanne Cash. Let’s see, who’s first?

Caller: Angelo, I was in the woods and I got like really high, and I saw a deer but I was so high I thought it was a pony! And then the deer didn’t expect me to be there, think I surprised it or some s*** and it freaked the hell out, backed up and then... and then it opened its freaking wings, man! I was hallucinating a LOT! Oh my gosh, it looked like that yellow one, that thing in my little pony like a Pegasus and it was CRAZY! LIKE, ACTUAL FEATHERED WINGS! Holy s***! And I screamed and went backward a couple steps and I then I started backin’ away saying like “oh my god, it’s Fluttershy don’t kill me Fluttershy!” And I think that pissed it off! It was like the deer looked so… It looked so, so pissed. like, it glared at me. it started staring me down with its little eyes and then f****** CHARGED and I ran SO FAR, right outta the forest. I had a near death experience with a deer with wings and it hates me now because I called it My Little Pony. Oh god angry deer. Pegasus. Degasus. How’s that Angelo, what’s that about?

Angelo: Oh, wow, that’s… something. I’ve never heard of a deer pegasus before. I’ll, uh, I’ll look into that and get back to you. I hope you’re okay, wherever you ended up, hopefully you’re safe now. I’d recommend not going back, wherever that was, and maybe just staying away from drugs for a bit. Uh, who’s next?

Caller: Hey, I was out with my nephew yesterday and I saw this real big bird just standing and staring from on top of the Pizza Hut sign. Couldn’t really tell what it looked like, it was way high up, but it had black feathers and big yellow eyes. Real mean-lookin’ guy. Ominous, almost, like you know how the black birds are omens? Yeah, I dunno. But considering what’s happened to that sign in the past, it seems a little scary, y’know?

Angelo: Well, that doesn’t sound good. Maybe stay away from the sign for a while, if you can. Hopefully the bird will go away and not knock it down. I gotta brush up on my “omens and auguries” notes, maybe those’ll have an explanation. Or maybe it was just a month late? Anyways, thanks for calling! It looks like that’s all the calls we got for now. I’ll play this PSA from our local Forest Service rangers, and then we’ll get back to the music.

[PSA Transcript: Hey y’all, this is Ranger Divine, reminding you of some winter safety tips. Number one: If you intend to go off of the main roads for any reason, you need to have snow chains on your tires. I can’t tell you how many calls I get saying someone tried to go down an uncleared dirt road and ended up getting stuck. I won’t put you on blast, but one of you has done it three times, and we can’t keep doing this. Number two: please don’t try to go out on any frozen bodies of water. We test them every day, and they’re not safe for recreational activities. We can’t have any of y’all drowning or getting hypothermia because you thought it would be fun to skate on an unregulated pond. That’s what the skating rink is for, folks. Number three: Plan ahead. If you know you’re gonna be out in the cold, bundle up as much as you can, and bring water. It may seem like this damp winter is all you need, but it makes it even easier to get dehydrated. Alright, that’s it, have fun y’all, be safe!]

[Fancy Reba McEntire] [Friends In Low Places Garth Brooks] [Wide Open Spaces Dixie Chicks]

Angelo: That was “Fancy” by Reba McEntire, “Friends In Low Places” by Garth Brooks, and “Wide Open Spaces” by Dixie Chicks. And an important reminder from Ranger Divine, AKA my sister. Don’t worry sis, I won’t embarrass you on air. Speaking of embarrassing though, it’s time for Angelo’s Advice Hour! Call in with your questions and I will answer them with the objectively correct advice.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Angelo: Alright, here’s our first struggling citizen, what can I help you with today?

Caller: Angelo, it’s me Bonnie again. How do you make friends with people? You’re like, really good at it. Also you’re doing amazing buddy, you’re so great at this show!

Angelo: Well, thank you, Bonnie. Honestly, I think I have an advantage, having grown up here in Kepler. You end up getting to know everybody in a small town like this. But really, it’s about finding something in common. And also it’s important to accept that some friendships just won’t be that deep. Sometimes a friend is just someone who’s always at the store at the same time as you, and you make small talk about your week. It’s about going in with no expectations and learning in real-time what to expect from someone. I hope that helps! Let’s see who’s next.

Caller: Angelo, do you have any recommendations for hot drinks or comfort foods for when you really need to relax? Had a really tiring past couple days. Thanks.

Angelo: I’m sorry to hear things haven’t been going well for you. My go-to is usually some kind of fancy coffee, but I’ll also drink a hot chocolate. And as far as food goes, I usually get some kind of pastry or something, or— okay, this is random, but those little sourdough pretzels you get in the barrel thing? I love those. And you can eat them with dips, too, like I’ll eat ‘em with my favorite spinach dip. That got a little off-track, but hopefully at least one of those recommendations was helpful. Let’s take a quick break, and then I’ll answer some more quandries. This is “High Note” by Mavis Staples.

[High Note Mavis Staples] [Jolene Dolly Parton] [Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver]

Angelo: That was “Jolene” by Dolly Parton followed by “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver. Hello advice-needing listener, you are on the air!

Caller: Angelooooo, how do you deal with crushes?

Angelo: The age-old question. I’m assuming “deal with” means murder, right? You can’t have any vulnerabilities out there. Let’s see, I’d say seduce them to your home for a romantic dinner, and then poison the wine. No, I’m kidding. I mean, I’d say the best advice is “talk to them” but I know it’s not that easy. Depending on their schedule and yours, try to spend time with them, and be prepared to take no for an answer. A lot of the time, unless you’re making your romantic intentions very clear, people just might not want to hang out or they’re otherwise busy. Even if your intentions are clear, they might either not like you or just aren’t ready for a relationship. I’m gonna say, unless you’re being creepy, nine times out of ten it’s not personal when you get rejected. Alright, who’s up next?

Caller: Hey Angelo it's Cat. I know you said to stop doing this but I freaked out again— he stared at me for a solid three minutes unblinking what was I supposed to do?—  And am hiding in an undisclosed location. Again. So my question is: how do you deal with a scary co-worker?

Angelo: Cat, come on, he’s not even that scary. He’s honestly probably just messing with you. The trick is to scare him back. You gotta start leaving creepy messages on his desk, maybe draw a skull on a to-go cup full of coffee, that kind of thing. I mean, I just ruined those two things ‘cause now he’ll know I said that, but you know what I mean. That’s how you earn his respect. Anyways, looks like that’s all we got time for, I’ll play you all some music before I sign off for today. This is “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, and yes, this song is a country song.

[Old Town Road Lil Nas X] [If I Could Only Win Your Love Emmylou Harris] [Live a Little Kenny Chesney]

Angelo: Alright, that’s it for me today, I’ll see you all tomorrow. Real quick before my producer cuts me off I’m gonna plug my podcast “Scary Stories LLC,” it’s a horror comedy podcast where I have a different guest on each episode and we try and pitch a horror movie based on titles that were suggested by listeners. Okay I gotta go, have a good day, this is 103.5 KPLR Radio.

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Rob Kranken, 01/11/19

Rob: Good evening everyone, this is Rob Kranken coming in for your weeknight show here at 103.5 KPLR Radio. It’s midnight, so Cinderella you better get going. Everyone else stay tuned, I’ll be getting to the news in a minute. As usual, the station doesn’t monitor what music I play, so we’re going to stray from the usual country twang. Here’s Glass Animals “Life Itself.”

[Life Itself Glass Animals]

Rob: There’s not much to report on to be quite honest with y’all. Weather is dreary, we’ll be getting up to mid-sixties at most, and there’s no one on the roads right now. As it should be, really, because it’s late and Kepler’s street lighting is not optimal. So, since we’re on an easy night, why don’t any of y’all call in with stuff you want to say? We’ll do… let’s say a question for every three songs. I do have to ask you refrain from using bad words, because I get in trouble for those. Other than that, it’s the middle of the night. Go ham. Ah, here we go.

Caller: Rob please say “it’s Britney b*tch” in an Elmo voice.

Rob: Your wish is my command, random listener. [Perfectly impersonation] It’s Britney, b*tch.

Caller: Oh my god [click]

Rob: Is this what I’m known for now? I’m known for my ability to impersonate anyone, and then say rude things. Well, I suppose it’s better than not being known at all. Here’s “Hate Thy Neighbor” by Brick + Mortar, and then we’ll be playing some Lemon Demon and Miike Snow.

[Hate Thy Neighbor Brick + Mortar] [Eighth Wonder Lemon Demon] [Cult Logic Miike Snow]

Rob: That was “Eighth Wonder” by Lemon Demon and “Cult Logic” by Miike Snow, some good creepy tunes to set the tone for tonight. Who’s up next?

Caller: Hey, uh, is it okay if I call in to ask someone out here? Is this allowed?

Rob: Yeah, sure! I don’t know what your crush would be doing awake at midnight, but here we both are, so I guess I can’t talk. Go on.

Caller: Um... h-hey, Jenny, you wanna go out for lunch sometime? I’m free on Saturday. Don’t feel pressured to say yes? Uh... oh my god sorry! Uh bye! Thanks! Oh by the way it’s me, uh, Katie! Katie Graves from school! Hi! [click]

Rob: Young love… adorable. Back in my school days I was too much of a nerd to have crushes on anyone, so I’m glad to see the youth of today are more social than I was. This up next is “Bird Song” by Florence + the Machine.

[Bird Song Florence + the Machine] [Choke I Don’t Know How But They Found Me] [Not Your Fault AWOLNATION]

Rob: That was “Choke” by IDKHOW and “Not Your Fault” by AWOLNATION. I need to add some new songs to the rotation, I think. If you all have any recommendations I’d be glad to hear ‘em. But let’s get back to your calls. Hello, listener.

Caller: Hey, hey, what’s going on with the theatre company now? what show are they doing, how’s progress?

Rob: Ah yes, the theater. I’ve been hanging around there lately, things seem to moving along nicely! The director-slash-producer-slash-everything Mack has been working quite hard to get everything together, and she’s had some spectacular talents come in. I won’t say anything until i’m given an official release, but let me say I am very excited for the production. Here’s “Good Grief” by Bastille.

[Good Grief Bastille] [Nina Cried Power Hozier] [The Rabbit Miike Snow]

Rob: That was “Nina Cried Power” by Hozier featuring Mavis Staples, and “The Rabbit” by Miike Snow. Looks like we got someone on the line, howdy!

Caller: How do you apply for an internship at the radio? Do we need any experience?

Rob: [laughs] My friend, this is where you get the experience. Technically, this radio station shouldn’t even exist. Still, it does, so feel free to apply! Station management should probably put up some kind of application process on the website. I’ll see about that later. In the meantime, I’d recommend some kind of public speaking experience and/or some good voice acting skills. And, you know, figure out your gimmick. It’s better to get it down before you go on air, or else it will be assigned to you. Here is “Gun.” by My Chemical Romance, followed by “It’s A Trip” by Joywave and Young The Giant’s “Superposition”.

[Gun. My Chemical Romance] [It’s A Trip Joywave] [Superposition Young the Giant]

Rob: Now I may be biased because I choose these songs, but Young the Giant’s latest album from last October is pretty excellent. Oh, looks like we got our next caller. Hello, you’re live on the air.

Caller: Hey, I’m Megan, if announcements are a thing here, I would like to say that my IDIOT BROTHER GORDON is having his SECOND ANNIVERSARY with his boyfriend TOMORROW and that he BETTER NOT F*** UP HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SUCH A GOOD DUDE BY F***NG FORGETTING.

Rob: Alright then, Gordon, if you’re out there, don’t forget your anniversary is tomorrow, or probably today, considering it’s after midnight. Hopefully you know. As Megan here said, you wouldn’t want to ruin anything by not remembering. Up next we have “Turn the Lights Off” by Tally Hall.

[Turn the Lights Off Tally Hall] [Blood // Water grandson] [Tidal Wave Portugal. the Man]

Rob: That was “Turn the Lights Off” and then “Blood Water” by grandson and “Tidal Wave” by Portugal. the Man. What’s next?

Caller: Please play some songs suitable for forest f***ery.

Rob: Alright, here’s some of my personal favorite songs for forest crimes.

[Way Out There Lord Huron] [Shadowplay The Killers] [Jungle Youth Young the Giant] [Long and Lost Florence + the Machine] [In the Woods Somewhere Hozier]

Rob: I hope those sufficed. And it seems like the calls have stopped for a bit, so allow me to talk about myself for a bit. I’m sure you’re all dying to hear more about me. No, I’m kidding. But today was noteworthy for a few reasons. I went to get a drink from the kitchen refrigerator, and my coworker Angelo, who you might know from his morning show— hello Angelo, by the way, don’t be too mad that I’m getting more listeners than you despite the time. But yes, he was in the kitchen, and he was— oh, someone’s calling. Hello?

Caller: Hello, sorry to interrupt, but you sound like Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale right now, and I just wanted to say keep up the good work. [click]

Rob: Oh, uh, thank you? I’ll have to ask Angelo what that means, he listens to that show, but I’m guessing it’s a compliment. Anyways, as I was saying, Angelo was there and he said [scarily accurate impression] “I, uh, got you the soda you like, it’s in there.” And I look in the fridge, and it is indeed the cream soda that I like. I took it, and I thanked him, and then I retreated to my office. Listeners, is this— I haven’t been in Kepler long, I must admit, but are people always this friendly? I’m going to play some songs while you all come up with your answers, as I’m sure you’re planning to do. This here is “Sunlight” by Hozier.

[Sunlight Hozier] [Rearview Bad Suns] [2am Sir Sly] [Action Cat Gerard Way] [Middle Fingers MISSIO]

Rob: Alright listeners, I’m back. Those were, in order, “Sunlight” by Hozier, “Rearview” by Bad Suns, “2am” by Sir Sly, “Action Cat” by Gerard Way, and “Middle Fingers” by MISSIO. Now please call in with your opinions. Is there something I should do for him in return? Okay, here we go.

Caller: You might want to try calling into his show for advice [snickering].

Rob: Very helpful, thank you. I will definitely do that. Goodbye now. [click] Hopefully you have a real answer.

Caller: Honestly, I think it would be nice to return the gesture, but if you don’t know him that well it might be that he’s trying to befriend you so just talking to him might be enough. Or, if you don’t want to befriend him, just move on. I’m sure he’ll either get the message or initiate the conversation with you.

Rob: That is… actually very helpful, thank you. I think this’ll be all you’ll hear from me for tonight, folks, lemme leave you with some music to watch the sunrise to.

[Handyman AWOLNATION] [Be Still The Killers] [Le Vélo Pour Deux The Brobecks]

[kplr-radio]

Broadcast: Angelo Divine, 01/09/19

[Live a Little Kenny Chesney]

Angelo: Good morning Kepler, that was Kenny Chesney’s “Live A Little,” and what a mood to start the morning on! This is 103.5 KPLR radio, and we’ll get to the news after this word from our sponsor.

[Audio advertisement transcript: [haunting orchestral music] Have you ever heard a true story that couldn’t possibly be real? Or maybe seen something you couldn’t believe with your own two eyes? No? [music cuts off] Then you’re not living, my friend! Come on down to the Cryptonomica, we have centuries of hidden knowledge of the arcane and the mystical! Stories beyond suspicion, creatures beyond compare! We’re just off State Route 16055. The Cryptonomica: a museum for the mysterious.]

Angelo: Big thanks to the Cryptonomica for sponsoring us this week! And don’t forget to check out the Lamplighter, this week’s issue talks about Krampus and the history of goat creatures in horror. It’s a really good read even if you’re not into the supernatural side of it. Now let’s get to the news. Traffic is as uneventful as ever, and weather reports say we’re looking at clear skies for the rest of the week. Do be sure to watch out for ice on the roads, though. It’s still pretty chilly, so be sure to grab a coat before you head to work. There’s not a long going on this week, that cold weather is kinda pushing everyone inside, but the Kepler Cup is running down the last of their Christmas stock so be sure to get all that before it’s gone. I myself have a peppermint mocha right here, actually, it’s keeping me warm while I wait for the heater to get going. Let’s get back to the tunes! This is “I Want A Cowboy” by Reba McEntire.

[I Want A Cowboy Reba McEntire] [Take Me Home, Country Roads John Denver] [Personal Jesus Johnny Cash] [Islands in the Stream Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton]

Alright, since there isn’t so much official news today, why don’t we look into some of the more extraordinary stuff? If any of you saw something noteworthy, why don’t you call in and tell me about it? Oh! Here we go. You’re on the air!

Caller: You know, I thought I saw Bigfoot but I got a bit closer and it turned out it was just Barclay from the lodge. He’s so ******* big . I asked him what he was doing in the woods and he said he likes night walks, and honestly yeah same I was doing a night walk too. And I said “Hey Barclay! Holy ****! I thought you were Bigfoot!” And then he choked on his own spit or something. I think he found it pretty funny. He was laughing a lot? I think? Anyway like holy ****! It’s so weird, he’s so tall and hairy, how many times have people seen Barclay and thought he was Bigfoot? How many sightings are just Barclay?

Angelo: Oh yeah, I wonder. Seems like half the sightings around here turn out to just be someone from town! What a strange place Kepler is. We’re still taking callers, if anyone else has any noteworthy sightings to report. Oh, looks like we got one! Hey!

Caller: Hello! It's great to be on the show, big fan! I ran into one a' those... Whaddya call it, hoke-mons? Okie-bombs? Somethin' like that. Saw a big monstrous lookin' one down in the park. Crazy what y'all can do with all them new-fangled technologies these days. Also Richard, if you're listenin', I love you!

Angelo: It’s great to have you! You might have seen a Pokémon, maybe? Strange that you would see one, uh, out and about. Maybe I’ll have to go down to the park sometime and check it out. Thanks for the info! Anyone else?

Caller: Angelo! Hey, Bonnie here, and I’m in the mood to be scared! You got any ghost stories?

Angelo: Well, uh, usually it’s y’all giving me the ghost stories, but I’ll do my best. [papers rustling] Here we go. This isn’t so much a story as a sort of summary, but I’ll read off my notes on the Nachtkrapp, an old Germanic bird monster. Shoutout to my coworker for helping me translate the information on this, not sure how he knows Old High German but we all have our hobbies, right? Anyways, the Nachtkrapp or “Night Raven” is described as a large raven, roughly the same size as an adult man, who acts as a boogeyman-type figure to scare children into going to sleep. In some versions of the legend, it imitates a human scream to either terrify them or lure them outside. In others, it has holes in its wings and no eyes, and just looking at the creature could make you sick or even kill you. There aren’t any recorded sightings of the creature as far as I can tell, but who knows? There’s a lot of area in northwestern Europe, it could be out there somewhere. Thanks so much to everyone who called in, but my producer says we gotta wrap this segment up. Hold onto those stories though, ‘cause I’m here every weekday and I love hearing them. This song up next is “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” by John Denver.

[Thank God I’m A Country Boy John Denver] [High Note Mavis Staples] [God’s Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash] [A Working Man Can’t Get Nowhere Today Merle Haggard]

Angelo: Some excellent songs on the rotation this week, though I might be biased. Anyways, it’s time for what I’m sure is everyone’s favorite, Angelo’s Advice Hour. As usual, if you’re in need of some advice, call in! As a certified expert I can and will solve your problems for you.

[Disclaimer: Angelo Divine is not qualified to answer most questions definitively. All answers are purely conjecture and Angelo Divine is not liable for any negative results that may come from following his advice.]

Angelo: We got our first caller! Hello, listener!

Caller: What should I do if I have a crush on one of my sisters friends?

Angelo: Aw, I’ve been there. I mean, it really depends on how well you know that person. If you’re friends or you think they might like you back, definitely go the “secret relationship” route. Not because you should lie to your sister, but because it is very fun. If you don’t know them too well or they don’t know you enough, get your sister to introduce you! Unless your sister is a jerk, in which case you should definitely be obnoxious about it. Hope that answers your conundrum! Who’s next?

Caller: I think I might have joined a gang? How do I say I don’t want to join but I like the jacket?

Angelo: The classic “accidentally joined a gang” problem. Those Hornets are wily, huh? Here’s what I’ll say: stick with it for a little bit, and you might have fun, I dunno, I have no idea what kids are doing these days. If you don’t like it still, stop wearing the jacket and hide it away so they can’t steal it back, and then just kinda ghost on ‘em. They’ll definitely find you, but it should buy you some time to come up with a good excuse. It’s a great plan.

Caller: I’m stuck on the roof, can you help me?

Angelo: I know who this is and the answer is: you know I can’t. Also you aren’t stuck. Get down before station management goes looking for you. Consider that my official advice.

Caller: So, uh, listen, I know this isn’t really your thing, but your coworker, uh, Rob was his name? Whoever does the overnight. He mentioned that he was looking for someone, and I think I can help him.

Angelo: Oh, uh, alright, I’ll— listen, come by the station when you can, if I’m not here then Rob definitely will be. Does anyone out there have actual advice questions?

Caller: Yeah, so, uh, I got a lotta people coming through my store, and I try to be real friendly, but I’m gettin’ old and I can’t remember everyone’s names. Do you have any tips for remembering names?

Angelo: Yeah, for sure! I’m still getting the hang of everyone’s names here at the station, haha. The trick is associating that person with something, so when you see that thing you remember their name. Like my coworker J— Rob, he’s got this cool jacket so when I see his jacket I think “that’s Rob!” It doesn’t always work, sometimes you end up calling him “jacket guy” but it’s better than not addressing them at all! I do think that’s it for today, folks, my airtime’s almost up, so let me leave you with “Jolene” by Dolly Parton.

[Jolene Dolly Parton]

[kplr-radio]

Welcome to KPLR Radio!

Our website is currently being put together by the lovely station management! Soon we will be uploading a few select transcripts of broadcasts by our hosts! Until then, be on the look out for photos of our excellent crew!