The Wrong Swipe
Warnings: Mentions of depression and being suicidal, mental trauma.
Word Count: 2,510
a/n :Firstly, apologies for disappearing, if anyone noticed, but I was going through a lot. And secondly, this story is not really a kpop fic. It is based on a very personal experience of mine and since writing is very therapeutic for me, I wrote this as a way to help me cope with that. So, it is a semi-fictional and semi-real account of actual events and having said that, I also need to mention that I donât want to blame anyone or gain any sympathy via this. Also, English is not my first language. So, please bear with me. A huge shout-out to @today-we-will-surviveâ for all her help. I love you, my Shay Shay <3 <3 <3
And for those asking, please reblog this post if you want. I really want people to read this and understand that you are not supposed to love anyone more than yourself and stay away from toxic people. Your mental peace is more important than anything or anyone!
It all felt right when youâd met him. Â He was everything you were looking for. In fact, he was way more than everything you were looking for. He was good at everything he did. And he did a lot of stuff. He was charming, smart, funny, musically talented, amazing dancer, great cook. You were practically in awe of this God-like creature. Speaking of God-like, you actually believed that his gorgeous face and his jacked-up physique were designed by Gods themselves.
 But thatâs not why you liked him. You liked him because.. you just did. Right from the moment you started talking to him, you fell for him. And you fell hard.. Maybe that was the mistake?! It  sure didnât feel like that back then. Or so you thought. Or maybe you didnât think anything. You just.. loved him. You were a mess for him. From the word go!
 There was something that just clicked ! Two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together and all that shit? Yeah something like that. Even though you barely knew him for hours, it felt like you have known him since forever. And you wanted a forever with him. Your forever!
Everyone told you it was stupid. You hadnât even met this guy. Yes, you only knew him virtually. Exchanged numbers, chatted with him for a few hours and just decided you loved him. Well, it wasnât all you. Not to play the blame game here, but he actually said he loved you, too. But then again, people say a lot of things.
So did he!
First came the good things. The âI liked you the moment I saw your picâ and âYou are a cutieâ. Then the amped up flirting and sexting. Then all the wonderful things a girl wants to hear like âYou have no right to call yourself uglyâ and then the deep meaningful stuff like personal secrets, tragic past and stuff that one usually takes to the grave. He told you all this on day one too. Â This and the fact that he liked you. Loved you. That even though you had been talking to him for less than a day and he was leaving for US for the next three weeks, you were dating. And he was your boyfriend. Hell he even asked you to tell all the guys you were supposed to go on dates with, that you have a boyfriend now! Damn you couldnât wait for him to get back. And he hadnât even left yet.
But then he did. The very next day. You were upset but not so much because you were constantly in touch with him. You both practically chatted the whole day. God.. You were so in love!
He was perfect. Â It was all perfect. Until it wasnât.
 You donât know what changed. Maybe everything.  Maybe nothing at all. Maybe you just didnât know him and his intentions well enough. And that part was true. You didnât know anything about this guy. You hadnât even met him for Christâs sake! All you knew was you loved him. You kept singing that like your favorite K-pop song. And imagining the both of you in super-sappy K-drama scenarios.
 But life isnât a K-drama.. And you had to find that out the hard way.
You donât know if you had imagined him saying he was your boyfriend or you were imagining it when he said you should go on dates or you should hook up with guys or you should meet marriage prospects if thatâs what your family wants. Thatâs when reality hit you like a Mack truck! He was your boyfriend, but not your âseriousâ boyfriend. Because apparently, you hadnât even met him and you were six years older than him, both being your biggest crimes. And him saying these things definitely felt like he was punishing you for the same.
 But God knows what in the damned world was wrong with you. You still hadnât given up on him. Or like how they say, your heart hadnât, probably. Call it hope, love or any other asininity, you still believed he might be joking or at least would want to date you once he got back. After all, the fact that you guys hadnât met yet was a big problem for him, right? It should resolve itself once he comes back to India. Once he comes back to you.
But there was still time for that. And for a lot of other shit to ensue before that.
 Pretty much everything felt different after that. He felt different. So, you tried to take a different approach  too. He wanted you to go out on dates and hook up with other guys? You did. And you didnât exactly know why. Perhaps you thought he was only kidding, would take it back before your date and ask  you to cancel your date. Or you just wanted to make him jealous or at least realize that this wasnât what he wanted. Or what you wanted!
 Speaking of things you didnât want, you never wanted to fight with him. Who does? Of course, you knew no couple is perfect and everybody has an argument every now and then. But you didnât think it would happen just because he couldnât handle stress or his emotions very well and would just take it out on you. You also didnât think he would not do anything about the fight and just ignore you till you made the effort to let him know that you were still alive after not talking for two weeks. Sure, he apologized, because sorry was his favorite word. But he never made any efforts. These were both signs you should have noticed, but why would you? You chose to focus on his  words than his actions.
 And damn, the guy could talk. Smooth should be his middle name! One lame apology and you were ready to give him your whole world. And you knew you would when you met him. Itâs like your whole life depended on his impending arrival. As if he would arrive and give your stupid life some meaning! God your brain really glitched when it came to him..
 And come he did. No dirty puns intended! And weirdly, time ran slower than before. Wasnât it supposed to happen the other way round? Werenât you supposed to flip time off and just be with each other right now? If anything, werenât you at least supposed to be texting each other, like you had been doing all this while when you were miles apart? Wasnât he at least supposed to let you know if he had reached when he landed?
 He didnât.
Not that you minded texting him first, per usual. But you did and then deleted it. Maybe his flight got cancelled. Maybe he got busy with friends and family, who all must have obviously wanted a piece of him before he starts his job and falls into a mundane routine two weeks later. Maybe this. Maybe that. Lots of Maybeâs.
 And deleted msgs. All yours. Yet nothing from him. Radio silence.
 Until you had had it with him and decided to put an end to your own misery.
âAre we back to not talking?â you texted him, after three days.
 âHey. Nothing like that. I had nothing to talk aboutâ
Sure, he has been mean to you before. But this felt like a stab to your gut.
You waited three weeks to meet him, and he had nothing to say to you? He could have said this three weeks ago and not wasted your time. Or not ghosted you and behaved like the mature adult he is supposed to be.
 You asked him not to talk to you ever. And then you cried. All night. Two nights in a row. Talked to your K-pop friends, asked them to make the pain stop. Nothing helped.
 âIâm sorry. I know Iâm a jerk. But Iâm not somebody who can hurt someone and sleep peacefullyâ he messaged you after two days.
And yet he did the past two nights while you cry-hugged your pillow. But you knew he always had the gift of the gab. Hell, even your friends knew it. Your best friends kept telling you he is a liar, a sweet-talker. He knows how to manipulate you. Knows all the right things to say to you to convince you to get physical with you.
But you wonât listen to them. You didnât want to. He kept weaving lies and you kept weaving dreams. But you forgot dreaming is just pretending. Pretending to be something you are not or having something you donât. In this case, you were pretending to believe he was a nice person, that you are madly in love with. And the thing about love is, it is indeed blind. It doesnât see what everyone sees.
 You think he is being âextra niceâ with you or has feelings for you because he talks to you nicely for five minutes. Or pretends to care about you for the duration of one phone call. Or sheds one tear when you tell him about all the crap you went through (and much more that you were willing to go through) because of him. One WhatsApp message from him and you are gone. In fact, the happiest time of your whole day is when he views your WhatsApp status. Your whole life revolves around him.
Itâs because you donât want to believe he doesnât care. He is only trying to use you physically. Why? Because you are an easy lay for him. You love him and would do anything for him, go anywhere for him. One phone call from him and you would drop everything to run into his arms. He wouldnât have to do anything to coax you.
 But you donât believe that. Because you believed him when he said he was in a toxic relationship and is broken on the inside and hence doesnât want to be in a relationship. But you donât want to believe people lie. A guy who has been treating you badly from the start and doesnât feel the slightest remorse for it, is the very definition of a toxic person himself.
 Does he realize how much you love him? How much you went through, are still going through, just to move on from him. That you call your friends incessantly at ungodly hours because you so badly want to talk to him or hear his voice one last time, despite knowing fully well the guy lives and opens his mouth only to spew hurtful things to you. Â
Does he realize saying âDonât love meâ ainât gonna  make you get over him? If only it were this easy for humans to function! If only we had a button to move on.
 Does he realize how much it hurts when he asks you about your âdatesâ with other guys? Or that you wouldnât even talk to any other guy if he ever says he wants to be with you?
 He freaked out about how attached you got to him in just one day but does he realize, even after knowing him for one day, you were going to sell your house just so that he could pay off his educational loan to make his life easier?
 Does he realize you wanted him to move in with you just because he had mentioned he doesnât like his living arrangement and wants to get away?
 He wanted a casual thing with you. No dating, just physical fun. But does he realize you were ready to lose your virginity to him too if that meant he could see how much he meant to you?
 Does he realize you could even be his friend, if it meant he would still be a part of your life and if he stopped being rude to you or stopped suggesting making out with you? Does he realize if you got so attached to him without even meeting him, how would you ever move on if you kept being intimate with him for long, like he wants?
 He made all these fake promises to meet you on Valentineâs day when you told him it was special for you because your parents were always your Valentineâs and didnât want to feel alone that day since they passed. Does he realize you trashed your place when you couldnât meet that day because he didnât like it when you mentioned his constant bad behavior?
 Does he realize him being a jerk to you brought back your insomnia and triggered your depression? Does he realize that writing which was supposed to be therapeutic for you also doesnât work anymore because it only makes you cry now? The guy even knows you are suicidal.
But does he care? No. He only talks to you when he is bored, drunk or high. So, no he doesnât care about you.
 And honestly, thatâs all you ever wanted. For him to care for you. Stop being nasty to you. Stop stabbing your heart with his coldness and harsh words and then twisting the knife by not giving two flying fucks about it. About you.
 Does he realize you could literally pop open a vein for him if that made his life a little bit better? No, he doesn't. It didnât take him a second to stop talking to you and block you on social media while your friends had begged you to block him for months and you couldnât. Jerk couldnât block his âtoxicâ ex, still talks to her, but you, definitely must be blocked.
  Does he realize that if he canât help you move on, he should at least not fuck you up any more than he already has! Is it that hard to treat someone with respect? To not be a jerk to someone? To not say or do things repeatedly that make other people feel like crap? To not care about other peopleâs feelings and only think about oneâs own gratification?
And after doing all this is it that hard to feel any regrets? Here, you lose sleep because of this person and he doesnât feel like he has done anything wrong?
Because if he doesnât realize this, he would never realize that you only take his crap because you love him. He will never realize that you know he is lying, he lies about a lot of things but you go along with it because you love him. You always will and probably would never be able to get over him. No matter what you do.
He will never realize you would want to be with him for the rest of your life even if that meant being with a toxic person because you love him and you hope and believe in your heart of hearts that he will change someday.
 And to think, all this began with a wrong swipe on Tinder. You didnât want to swipe on him and yet here we are!