○ genre/warnings: romance (mostly fluff… for now) | a bit of coming of age angst
○ tags: fake dating | celebrity au | social media au | meet ugly | kris is a tiktok musician | ralsei is an aged-out disney channel star | kris is afab | house parties | slightly underage drinking | mentions of blood | mild nudity | kris is a bit of a mess but we love them anyway | AND ralsei is too! | Aren't they perfect for each other??
○ chapter word count: 7,356
→ summary: Kris Dreemurr, the eccentric musician SilentKnight on TikTok, hadn't meant to trespass through Ralsei Prince's backyard and fall into his pond. But to be fair, they were utterly plastered at the time.
○ note: Hey there! Whaaat??? What do you mean I'm a day late??? ?? Nah, no way!
Okay, fine. I'm late. My internet's been wack all week, so I had a bit of trouble writing and uploading it on time. But the next chapter is here at last! Rejoice! And get ready to meet a bunch more Darkners and one random Lightner, just for fun.
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Chapter 4/22: Tearoom Chats & Rowdy Little Cousins
Ralsei
As grey clouds darkened overhead, threatening to bring a rare shower of rain to L.A, Ralsei sat on the edge of the backseat of Ritter’s car. An umbrella between his legs, watching the city go by as they journeyed from the Hills to Pasadena. Towards a cozy tearoom that he’d been frequenting since he was young called Last Drop Teashop.
Well, actually, it was spelt TeaSeap because of the owner’s peculiar sense of humour. But nevertheless, it was tradition to spend Thursday mornings in the little shop. As per his mother’s insistence. Sipping tea while wearing their finest and reading the trashiest magazines. Which is why, despite the California heat, he’d dawned a blazer and tie along with a kilt with his mother’s family tartan.
Tugging at his collar, Ralsei tried to catch his driver’s eye in the rear-view mirror. “How much longer, Ritter?”
“In this traffic? Twenty minutes.” Ritter answered, huffing air out his nose.
Sighing, Ralsei allowed himself to sink into the comfortable leather seats. Letting his thoughts drift.
After posting his “Addressing the Situation” video, life had gone on.
Over the days following the Kris Incident, most online craziness died down. There’d been a discussion about purity culture and parasocial relationships and everything. Then one of the Paul brothers did something. That seemed to turn everyone’s heads away from him. And thank the Dark Fountain for that.
He still had interview questions to answer and possible auditions to leaf through. The paparazzi were a little more excited than usual, but that could be Spamton being Spamton. Always a weird one. Persistent too.
Now, almost two weeks later, the Incident had slipped his mind. Instead, his focus shifted towards the many award shows he was supposed to attend this September. And his 19th birthday, that too. Admittedly, a much less momentous day than his eighteenth was, and his twenty-first will be, but he was still excited. He could sneak up the coast and drink in Vancouver if he wanted to. Oh, he could smoke weed legally there, too. The world really was going to be his oyster, huh.
“We’re here,” Ritter said, awaking him from the trance Ralsei had found himself in. Glancing out of the window, the familiar store-lined street of South Raymond avenue greeted him.
“Oh, it seems we are.” Reaching over, he picked up a vintage green Burberry satchel and slung it over his shoulder. Then, hooking the handle of his umbrella on his arm, he caught Ritter’s eye again and said, “Thanks again. I’ll be finished around twelve. Meet you at our spot?”
“Of course.”
Excellent.
Hopping out of the car onto the street corner, Ralsei waved Ritter off before making his way to the shop. But not before popping into a convenience store to pick up the latest copy of Icon weekly. The classiest version of a tabloid for exclusively about Monster celebrities and royalty. And it used to be Lorité Prince’s guilty pleasure. A pleasure that she had passed onto him.
Greeting the bored cashier, he made a beeline for the magazine section. Scanning all the glossy covers, beautiful faces, and wild headlines for his prize. Letting out a little ‘ah-ha’ once the bold golden letters of Icon revealed themselves. But as he picked it up, his eye slid across the rest of the covers and snagged on something else.
His face.
On a magazine.
Now, don’t get him wrong. This isn’t new. He’d been on plenty of magazine covers before. Ever since he was born, really. But in the past few years, he only appeared on the more respectable ones. Think Vogue, The Hollywood Reporter and, well, Icon weekly. This though… this was MonStar Teens.
For the unaware, the adult version, MonStar magazine, was trash. Plain and simple. But it wasn’t just any kind of trash. It was Monster trash.
Monsters were a minority in the global population. So, there were very few pieces of pop culture that they could claim as their own. His parents were Hollywood royalty because they were some of the first Monsters to get Oscar-winning leading roles.
MonStar also broke similar records for being the first Monster-centred tabloid. Filled to the brim with stories about the tantalizing personal lives of Monster superstars. His parents had been front-page regulars, not a single move of theirs going unrecorded. And apparently, he was keeping up with his parents’ legacy.
The headline was typical but enticing enough to raise a brow; the text was laid out in an eye-squinting neon rainbow. Bright, boisterous, and, unfortunately, attention-grabbing.
Scandalous Summer Lovin’ Secrets!
And there he was, along with an assortment of other young Monster celebrities. Smiling straight back at himself with a smaller tagline just underneath his face.
OMG, Ralsei’s TikTok Hookup?!—Has Prince found his Knight?
Oh, Darkness, preserve him. He hadn’t thought about the Kris Incident possibly being a gold mine for gossip magazines. Especially since his doings rarely make for juicy front-page stories, and he wasn’t precisely “hottie” material. No salacious ab shots from this guy, no ma’am. But this, oh, the editors must’ve had a field day when they’d found out. Like, pop out the champagne kind of celebration.
He didn’t know how long he was staring down at the cover. Long enough to have the other customers ask him to move out of the way. Checking his phone, his usual reservation time at the tearoom was minutes away.
Ugh, he did, so loathe to be late for it. Of course, Seam wouldn’t be impressed either. But then again, when are they ever? Biting his lip, his mind went back and forth. How bad would it look if he bought it? Is it worth it just to read a short paragraph about him and Kris that wasn’t even true? Hadn’t he gotten enough of that on Twitter? Ultimately, he snatched the MonStar Teens issue off the rack and rushed off to the cash with both magazines. Trying not to look too guilty as he’s cashed out. The cashier couldnt’ve cared less; they weren’t paid enough to.
Giving them thanks and an unintentional curtsey, Ralsei slid the magazines into his satchel before dashing out of the store. Making it down the street and into Seam’s Seap in record time. Bursting into the cozy little shop in a flurry of fluff and tartan. Bent over at the middle, Ralsei’s chest heaved. Sure, as an actor, you’d think he be fit. But he’d never bothered seeing as he wasn’t the action star type anyway. His characters were regulated to the sidelines as nerdy support for the fighting heroes, and he was okay with it.
Usually.
Right now, he was dying.
“Well, well. What is the hurry, little Prince?” Came Seam’s gloomy, scratchy yet warm voice from the front counter to the left. Just behind the weathered wooden counter filled with sweets sat the shop’s owner, Seam. A wisened, old cat monster with greying purple fur, only one good eye and an ever sardonic smirk on their face.
“Didn’t. Want. To be. Late.” Ralsei said between gasping breaths.
“Hmm, yes. Ten minutes past your usual arrival. How odd.” They said, their smirk only growing as they tilted their head at him. “Come, come now, to Lorité’s table with you. Come, come.”
Finally righting himself, Ralsei brushed his blazer and kilt down before acknowledging Seam. “Thanks for saving it for me.”
“As if anyone else would dare sit.” They murmured after him as he scurried over to a table for two in between two sets of glass doors. If it weren’t for the impending rain, they’d be open, bustling with waiters waiting on outside tables.
Settling himself in one of the chairs, he took a breath and did his best to relax. Making an effort to ignore the offending magazine burning a hole in his satchel, he pulled out Icon weekly.
Barely getting past the first pages before Catti, One of Seam’s great-nieces, came to take his order. Though it was a formality, now.
“English afternoon tea with vanilla almond black tea, apple scones and turkey and basil sandwiches?” She half-heartedly said with her monotonous valley girl inflection.
“Yes, please.”
He’d been ordering the English afternoon tea with scones and sandwiches ever since he could eat that much. That had been around the same time he’d convinced his uncle that he could handle coming here alone. And even if that weren’t the case, she’d been working here all summer ever since she graduated high school. Plenty of time for them to build an odd rapport.
As quick as she came, she left, leaving him to go back to flipping through Icon weekly. Seeing what the infamous Addison brothers had sussed out this week. But no matter what, his mind kept going back to that damned MonStar Teens magazine.
Glancing around the shop, no one was paying attention to him. So there was no one to judge him if he snuck a peak, right? Slowly, he set Icon weekly aside and pulled MonStar Teens out of his satchel. Curling inward around it so that no one could see what he was reading before diving in. Opening up to the busy table of contents.
Finding the entry for the cover story he was in, along with the hit singer Shyren and his Portalkids castmate Clover. But what else was new. Page 64. Taking a deep breath, he thumbed through the bright, candy-coloured pages. Passing by plenty of quizzes and glossy posters until he reached it.
Scandalous Summer Love Secrets! Only in MonStar Teens
Find out how the hottest stars spend their hot, hot Summer Nights.
He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Really, they’ll sell anything to teenage girls. But he still ventured on. His entry was at the bottom of the page. Framed by a picture of him making a heart with his paws from a photoshoot he half-remembered.
Now, we wouldn’t recommend sneaking your summer crushes in through your backyard late at night, but it looked like Ralsei Prince took that chance.
Oh, off to a fabulous start.
Disney Channel’s beloved sweetheart had his backyard crashed into in late August by a tipsy Kris Dreemurr, aka SilentKnight on TikTok. But instead of turning them away, Ralsei tended Kris’ wounds. Can someone say Rapunzel?
Now, Prince says that nothing too scandalous went down. “The only thing I swapped with Kris last night was muffin recipes. And that’s not a euphemism, folks.” But just watch them address each other in their “explainer” videos! We wouldn’t be surprised if a special connection was forged in those wee hours of the morning. Bonding over muffins? Yes, please!
We’ll simply have to see if it was a guardian-approved impromptu hang-out sesh or the beginning of a wondrous fairytale for Prince and Knight.
“Didn’t think you read that stuff.” Jumping in his seat, Ralsei has to stop himself from throwing the magazine halfway across the shop. Clutching it to his chest, he looked up at an unenthusiastic-faced Catti holding a tray of food and drink on one paw. “Sorry, I have your tea.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” He said, stuffing the magazine back into his bag with a blush on his cheeks. “I, uh, don’t usually read this stuff.”
“Oh.” She said flatly. Eyes flicking down at his satchel before beginning to set down his meal. “Is it gossiping about you and Dreemurr?” She asked, aligning all the plates just so. Defensiveness grew in his chest as he geared up to defend himself and Kris against any and all lies. “It’s weird. Never thought I’d see Kris in one of those.”
Taken aback by Catti’s lack of anything bad to say about it, he deflated. Then, his eyes furrowing, he asked, “Never thought… How do you know Kris?”
“Grew up in the same town. A small one up in Oregon.” She answered as she plucked the teapot from the tray and poured him a cuppa.
Is it strange that, in some part of his brain, Ralsei had thought that Kris was hardly a real person? One who was born and raised in the same realm of reality as him? Who had friends and acquaintances that knew them?
For these past few weeks, as time marched away from that strange night, it felt like they were more a figment of his imagination. Or a sprite that immerged from the trees to comfort him when he needed it most.
Watching his teacup fill with red liquid, he murmured, “Small world.”
“It’s why I hardly believed all the… hype.” She said, stopping the pour scarcely below the golden painted rim. Quirking her lips in thought, she went on, “They’re not the one-night stand type. They’re not the anything type if it doesn’t involve weird shit, honestly.”
“Yes, they were quite strange.” He said, thinking back to their attempts to intimidate him. “But you meet a lot of strange people in this city.”
“Fair enough. Didn’t think you’re the type either.”
“Thank you. I like to think I’m a bit of a romantic. Not one to sleep around, not that there’s anything—”
“No.” Catti interrupted him with a squint of her heavily eyelinered eyes.
“No?” Ralsei echoed. But what else could she have meant?
“You’re like Kris. Not the anything type.” Shrugging, she brushed some dust off of her uniform apron skirt as she said, “Can’t see you with anybody, really.”
Ralsei paused in picking up his teacup, paw hovering over the handle. “Anybody?” Was she serious?
“Yup. Can’t even imagine you gettin’ caught kissing somebody.” She grimaced. “It’d be like if I caught Great Uncle Seam makin’ out with… Jevil. Thank the Angel that hasn’t happened yet.”
“Yet.”
“Yet.” She echoed grimly. Glancing back at her Great Uncle at the counter. Undoubtedly ever grateful her Great Uncle’s chaotic beau wasn’t around this morning. Turning back to Ralsei with a shudder. “It’s likely why it all blew up in the first place. It was like finding out the Queen of England went to a strip club. Not… impossible, but shocking nonetheless. Though I have to say, I’ve come across some people shipping the two of you, and the edits of you two together don’t look half—”
“Catti.” Seam called.
“Coming, Uncle Seam.” Catti called back over her shoulder. Hugging her tray to her chest, she gestured at the spread she’d laid out and asked, “Everything to your liking?” But before he could answer, she said, “Yes? Great. Have a nice tea.” and hurried off to tend to whatever Seam needed.
Leaving Ralsei with a strange, unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach. Not even a whole cup of tea or a nibble on a sandwich could make it go away.
He knew what the image he’s cultivated himself was. The nerdy Boy Next Door who’s polite to a fault and always ready to help but never to lead. Well, it was kind of foisted onto him. Pleasant, respectable, and, apparently, dull enough never to be thought of as romanceable by anyone.
No one saw him as anything else. Between his large, round glasses, shy (at first) demeanour, and the whole tragic orphan thing. And it’s not like he could disagree.
What would he say?
Oh, yeah, he’s actually quite the casanova, a natural flirt. He could get any person he wanted with a snap of his fingers. People came to him for dating advice. Broken hearts? He’s left a trail of them behind him. He could totally handle breaking up with someone without stressing over it while lying in bed at night… As if.
But.
But for him to be as desexualized as the bloody Queen. Well… Well, fuck. He didn’t think it was that bad. Doesn’t bode well for his dream big break.
Yes, he’s a Disney Channel kid, so he’s technically already gotten his “big break.” But everyone knows that it’s what you do after Disney that matters. And since he’d heard through the Hollywood grapevine about an upcoming rom-com series, he’d wanted to try out for the lead role. It’d be his first as a romantic lead. A big deal, in his opinion. Now, though… Is there even a chance he’d get the part if no one thought he was romance hero material?
No. It’s one person’s opinion.
He’d been on Twitter enough. Sure, a whole host of people called him their son rather than their dream boyfriend. Still, those people definitely existed. Trust him, they existed. Which meant that there was still a chance. Maybe he didn’t have to be a typical romance hero. Perhaps he could bring something new to the genre. Yeah, that’s an angle he could work. He’d have to bring it up to his uncle this afternoon. But until then…
Daintily, he picked up his teacup and gave a silent toast to his mother, as he always did, before taking a sip. Ah. Perfect. He needed this. Picking up the apple scone, he took a bite. Good. But, now, he found that something was missing. Lips still pressed the edge of the cup, he smiled. He should try baking a batch with butterscotch and cinnamon, instead.
“Ouch! Swatch, watch your pins.”
“Then get your head out of the clouds, Prince. Raise your arm.”
Letting out a petulant huff, Ralsei obeyed. Raising an arm, allowing the tall bird monster to access his suit’s side seam. Though, he still did let his mind wander once more.
Standing on a circular dais in the middle of the loft Swatch had claimed as his fashion studio. With huge industrial windows and exposed brick walls and wooden rafters, it just screamed, “Don’t bother me, I’m making real art.”. The studio was a fashionista’s paradise. Filled with clothing racks, thousands of fabric rolls, and boxes filled with every accessory imaginable.
And, of course, he’d be remiss if he didn’t acknowledge Swatch’s ever-on-the-move assistants. The Swatchlings, as he liked to call them. Midnight feathered bird Monsters, like Swatch, but almost a foot taller and way buffer. Like, way buffer. Were they all siblings? Cousins? Ralsei had never gotten a straight answer.
And then there was the Monster at the center of it all. Who was currently fitting him for a custom suit for the MTV Video Music Awards and poking the Darkness out of him.
Broad-shouldered, ebony-feathered, and always impeccably dressed, Swatch Pastel was one of the most sought-after stylists/designers in fashion. They didn’t just know what was hot; they made what was hot. Every up-and-coming designer wanted guidance from them, and every celebrity wanted to be dressed by them.
Oh, and they were at his Auntie Queen’s beck and call. Has been since the eighties. And while they definitely weren’t at Ralsei’s call, he never wore anything to events that they didn’t design.
“Prince.” Swatch hissed, pins between the tips of his beak.
Shaking his head, Ralsei said, “Sorry. What am I doing?”
“Lower your arm, if you’d please.” Swatch answered, fiddling with Ralsei’s sleeve once he did. “I know you’re restless. But as long as you stay sharp as a tack this should be over before you know it.” Only moments late, though, a clatter arose from outside the loft. Like a bunch of meerkats, everyone’s heads shot up and swivelled to look at the door. Adjusting their glasses, Swatch tried to ask, “What on—”
But the loft’s front door burst open instead. Revealing two Monsters in the doorway. One of which was small enough to be carried on the other’s hip as they held a briefcase in the other.
Plumy and ridiculous as ever, Uncle Rouxls’ voice cried out, “Rejoice, worms! Rouxls Kaard hast arrived!”
“Nevermind. Take five.” Swatch muttered with a scowl. Pulling the pins from their beak and stabbing them back into the pincushion strapped to their wrist.
And though the second Monster’s voice shouted out, “Ho ho ho! As have I, Clowns!”, his voice young and loud, Ralsei couldn’t help but smile.
“Take fifteen.” They said with a deep sigh before heading off to talk with one of the Swatchlings.
Shaking his head, Ralsei wasn’t going to say no to a break. He’d been standing for hours at this point, and his limbs were getting stiff. So, hanging the suit jacket on a coat rack, he wandered over to where his uncle and little cousin were arguing in the doorway. Only managed to catch the end of it once he got close enough.
“So you agree, Lesser Dad! Our entrance would have been cooler if you hadn’t made me leave my bike downstairs.” Lancer said, showing off his award-winning pout.
“Thou knows we triedst to sneakest it onto ye olde lift many a time and have doth pitifully failed.” Uncle Rouxls said in a slow tone. The one he reserved for when explaining to Lancer why they couldn’t do what they wanted when they wanted. Still a tricky concept for the eight-year-old son of a man who could do what he wanted when he wanted. “And I don’tst feele like getting yelledest at by the security on this daye.”
Crossing his arms, he turned away from Uncle Rouxls the best he could while still in his arms. Though his pout was gone in seconds once he caught sight of Ralsei. Lighting up like a chandelier, Lancer threw his arms up as he said, “My favourite clown!”
“Hello, Lancer. Come here.” Ralsei said, opening his arms up as well. In time to catch Lancer as he launched out of Uncle Rouxls’ hold. Stumbling, it took Ralsei a moment to counterbalance and steady, but once he did, he squeezed his baby cousin tight.
“I’d ask what’s with the clown suit but it’d be… uh… it’d be—”
“Redundant?”
“Redundant! But of course. Ho ho ho!” Lancer laughed. Throwing his head back before leaning in close, whispering. “Psst. What’s redundant mean?”
Smiling wide, Ralsei lowered his voice to a whisper as well and answered, “No longer needed. Unnecessary.”
“Exactly. Hmm, I really do seem to know the cleverest clowns.” He said before gasping at something over Ralsei’s shoulder. “Is that salsa?”
And like a rocket, Lancer was off. Out of Ralsei’s arms and over to the makeshift kitchen in the corner of the loft. Tugging on a Swatchling’s sleeve to pick him up and place him on the counter so he could have unlimited access to the salsa and chips.
Chuckling at the adorable sight, Ralsei switched his focus now that Lancer was taken care of. Now, where did Uncle Rouxls go off—oh no.
“Uncle Rouxls!” He said, placing his fists on his hips as he tapped his foot. “Leave Swatch alone.”
Thank the Dark Fountain that his uncle had at least had the decency to look sheepish as he backed away from Swatch. Who looked like they were five seconds away from murdering his nosy, pushy uncle who thought he always knew best. “Heh, heh, I twas juste making sure-est that they’re doing thine jobe.”
“They always do their job.” He said before poking his uncle on his thin chest. “You just like to meddle.”
“Clever clown, indeedst.” Uncle Rouxls muttered as he pulled a stack of papers from the briefcase he’d come in with. Then, holding the stack up above Ralsei’s reach, he said, “Now, I come bearing only the goodest of newes. Who is the bestestst Unclger in the world?”
With a roll of his eyes, Ralsei answered, “Rouxls Kaard.”
Uncle Rouxls smiled. “And don’t thou forget it.” He said, handing Ralsei the stack of papers. From the formate of the front page, it seemed to be a script. Only when he read the title did his heart start to race.
Swipe of Love: Season 1, Episode 1.
Eyes wide and voice above a whisper, Ralsei asked, “Are you serious?”
“Like the plague, dear nephew.”
He all but screamed at the top of his lungs as he dived threw himself at his uncle. Hugging his skinny frame as tight as can be. Breathing in his crisp, vibrant bergamot cologne as he pressed his face into his chest. This is it! THIS IS IT! His big break! This script is his first step in maturing as an actor and honouring his parents’ legacy.
The pitch is a sci-fi rom-com tv series about a matchmaking app focused around a different couple each season. Think the Kissing Booth meets Black Mirror. Kind of. He thinks. He’d only heard whispers about it. But once he heard that they’d be looking for young monsters and humans to cast, he knew that it had to be fate.
His parents’ big breaks had also been their meet-cute, cast in the leads for a rom-com called It’s Not All Roses. So now, it was his turn. Sure, he’d never been a love interest before. Or had a romance storyline for one of his characters… And he’d never actually been in a real relationship before. And he’d only kissed someone during after-party games of spin the bottle… Not to mention what Catti had said earlier… But he knew he’d pull it off. He had to, for his parents.
Pulling away from their hug, Ralsei softly said, “Uncle Rouxls.”
“Aye?”
“I have a question for you.”
“Kaard! Where Is My Baby?!” A shrill electronic voice yelled, unmistakable for anyone or anything other than his Aunt. Who followed shortly after, throwing the loft’s doors open with reckless abandon.
Swatch sighed, running a wing through the feathers on their head. “Gotta get a proper lock. Rouge, call a smith.”
Ralsei felt Uncle Rouxls stiffen before straightening his back and pipping up. “Right over here, m-my Queen.” Gesturing with one of his long arms at Lancer on top of the small kitchen’s counter. Stuffing his chubby cheeks with salsa-covered chips.
Though, he stopped long enough to realize his mother had arrived. Ditching the chips to hop off of the counter and glide over to her towering form. “Momma!”
And just like that, the intimidating businesswoman that was his Aunt, with her sleek, metal body and demanding personality, melted. Falling to a kneel on the ground, she took her son into her arms. Rubbing her sharp cheek against his soft one as she said, “Lancer, My Darling Honey Sugar Angel Baby. How Was School, My Sweet?”
The two of them descended into a quick, complex back and forth that not even the tech bros in Silicon Valley could decode. So, Ralsei hardly bothered.
Giving his uncle one last squeeze, he sauntered over. Waiting until there was a natural lull in their conversation to say, “Hi, Auntie Queen.”
Sometimes he could see his Auntie’s thoughts pinging around her head when trying to retrieve them. Especially when she’d let her face go blank for a split second or two. But, inevitably, she’d zone back in and smile up at him. And with all the confidence in the world, she exclaimed, “Raleigh!”
“Ralsei.” Uncle Rouxls hissed without a second thought. Almost immediately, he remembered who he was speaking to and changed his tone to something less confrontational. “Madame. It’s Ralsei.”
“Ralsei!” She said as if she’d gotten it right the first time. He didn’t get as offended as other people would. Unusual names were always hard for her to recall. She’d always try her best to fill the empty spaces with the next best thing, though. “Sorry, Autocorrect. You Know How It Is.”
“Nice to see you too, Auntie.” Shaking his head, he let her hug him and place a kiss on his cheeks before she pinched them. “Hey, hey, hey. Auntie!”
“Come On. Let Me Have My Fun. You’re Still As Cute As Can Be. Like A Puppy. Or Baby’s First Line Of Code.”
Seeing an opportunity to circle back, Ralsei said, “That’s actually what I want to talk about. Can I ask you all a question?”
“Shoot, Peach Boy.”
Taking a deep breath, he adjusted his glasses back onto the center of his nose. Letting Auntie Queen’s warm metallic scent overlayed with a sea spray like perfume calm him, he asked, “What do you think about me being in a relationship? Like a romantic one.”
A beat of silence filled the room. Louder than anything. You see, it’s not that all the adults in the room began to laugh at him. But ‘LOL’ did flash on Auntie Queen’s eye screen while all the Swatchlings covered their beaks to muffle whatever they could. Uncle Rouxls wasn’t any much better.
“No. Not really.” He finally answered, a queasy smile on his lips. Ralsei must’ve made a face at him because Uncle Rouxls made his way over. Taking Ralsei’s face in his spindly hands as he said, “Precious nephew, perhaps we’re bad people to ask. Zounds, I’ve knownst thou since thou were just a little worm. I can barely imagine thou handling a carriage.”
“Exactly.” Auntie Queen chimed in, rising from kneeling with Lancer still in her arms. “Imagine Lancer With A Girlfriend.”
“Gross,” Lancer muttered as he furiously tapped his stubby fingers against his mother’s phone’s screen.
Pressing a kiss to his cheek, Auntie Queen cooed. “Yes, Baby. Girls Are Gross.”
“Momma, aren’t you a girl?”
“No. I’m A Robot.”
Sharing a look with his uncle, Ralsei sighed, pulling Uncle Rouxls’ hands away from his face. This conversation wasn’t going the way he thought it would. Leaving his family behind, he trudged off to the kitchen. Crossing his claws that Lancer didn’t eat all of that salsa.
Plopping himself on one of the breakfast barstools and the script on the counter, he rested a cheek on his hand while the other got busy. Scrapping the bottom of the salsa bowl for whatever was left with a chip before shoving it into his mouth.
As he chewed, Swatch cleared their throat. Sweeping across the room, over to their many clothing racks, they pulled out a turquoise jumpsuit lined with sequins and overlayed with a silk skirt. “My lady, would you like to try on my latest design? It’ll surely leave that King of yours ruffled.”
“Would I?” Auntie Queen asked as exclamation marks flashed on her eye screen. Placing Lancer in Uncle Rouxls’ arms with a kiss, she zipped over to Swatch quicker than anyone could blink. Swiping the jumpsuit and admiring it for a moment. Enjoying how the afternoon light made the sequins glimmer. All before rushing behind a dressing screen, cackling.
“And for you, Lancer.” Swatch held out a Lancer-sized tuxedo with blue flame patterns along the sleeves, trousers and lapels. It was more than a little gaudy, in Ralsei’s opinion. But, by the way Lancer gasped, slapping his hands against his cheeks, it was perfect. The little Monster hardly said a word as he slid over. Taking the suit into his hands with a tiny ‘thanks,’ he dashed off behind the screen as well.
Tightening their tie and straightening out their blazer, Swatch strolled over to where Ralsei was sitting. “That should distract them for a while.” They said, sighing as they leaned an elbow against the counter.
Seeing the apparent invitation to keep talking, Ralsei scrunched his nose. “Alright, maybe none of you can see me with a datemate, that’s fine. But-but—” Plucking another chip from the bag and breaking it in half with a clean snap, he grumbled. “—You can see me as romance hero in a movie at least, right?”
“I’m sorry, Ralsei, but you’re more like a fairytale prince’s… younger brother.” Sliding a wing underneath his chin, lifting his head to meet their apologetic gaze, Swatch went on. “No doubt as charming and handsome as the Prince, but no one plans on him taking a princess. Not that it can’t happen, it’s just not at the forefront of everybody’s mind when they first see you.”
“Besides, being a heartthrob is not thoust brande. Does thoust know how many uneasy missives I acquired from all those higher-ups about thine Incident?” Uncle Rouxls said, popping up over Swatch’s shoulder. “Oodles!”
Rolling their eyes, Swatch ruffled what little mane that Ralsei had before leaving them alone. Shooting one last glare at Uncle Rouxls, which he returned with a smug grin.
“Play nice,” Ralsei said. Chiding Uncle Rouxls as he pulled him down onto the stool beside him. “What were they worried about? The higher-ups.”
“They were afraid thou were going to go half mad like so many other childe stars. Thou know—”
“Yes, yes, the usual. Do drugs, party at strip clubs, hook up with a rapper, write a song about doing all those things in explicit detail. Pierce something.” Anything and everything to ruin his soft boy image. While, yes, he doesn’t want to piss off any of the corporate overlords that run and fund his industry. But being compared to, now, an old lady, a young child, and a fictional side character who will never get laid is… Ugh. Tugging on his ears, a bad habit he’d never shaken, he said, “I get it. I do. But… “
“But what?”
“You know I’ve kissed people before, right?” He asked, desperate for any piece of information that he usually kept to himself that would make his uncle see him differently. Something that would make him being the lead hero of Swipe of Love a no-brainer.
But all he got in return was his uncle’s aghast face. “Thou have?! Whom? No wait don’t tell me a worde. My poor heart can’t take it.”
His heart, which had seemed to be beating a mile a minute, felt like it’d stopped dead. Falling to the pit of his stomach. Thick and heavy, a soul-crushing misery began to crowd around him. Threatening to consume him whole. The chance to make his parents proud was slipping through his claws. What would they make of him if they could see him right now? Surely he was a failure in their eyes.
Looking back down at the Swipe of Love script, he felt the beginnings of tears sting his eyes. He’s an actor, yes. There was only so much he could do to convince a casting director that he’s a good choice for a romantic lead, though. Especially when the people closest to him couldn’t even imagine that he, an eighteen-year-old, has kissed multiple people before. He needed to change that. But how? How do you altar years upon years of impressions? How do you change people’s minds?
A slim hand cupped his cheek. “I can see thou thinking, dearest nephew.” Uncle Rouxls said quietly, a thumb coming up to swipe across Ralsei’s brow. “Is this about the show? Dost thoust thinkst thou won’t get it?”
Glowering, Ralsei picked up the script and flipped through. It didn’t take long to find a scene where the main couple were flirting back and forth, getting this close to kissing. Turning it around, he held it up. “Can you imagine me reciting any of these lines, Uncle Rouxls?”
He watched as his uncle’s eyes scanned the pages, squinting tighter the further Uncle Rouxls read. “Well..”
“Tell me the truth.”
Already wincing, he answered, “I’m not sure if thou wants the truth.”
Letting his head hit the counter with a thunk, he yanked on his ears harder. Darkness, damn it all. Squeezing his eyes tight and burying his face in his paws, not caring how his glasses dug into his face. Mumbling, “I should just give up, shouldn’t I?”
“Princes never doth give up.”
“This one is.”
Distress filling his voice, Uncle Rouxls lifted up one of his ears and pulled a paw away from his face as he begged, “Ralsei, what can I do-est to help? If thou truly want this role then we shall endeavour to figure it out, just-just speak to me, dammit.”
“It’s just, ugh,” He groaned into the granite counter before lifting his head. Frustration radiated off of him in waves as he tried to search for the right words. His paws tensed as if they were trying to grab them out of the air. The ones that would adequately explain the strange mix of feelings raging inside him. “I have to get this role or else. I don’t know what the ‘or else’ is, but I have to. But that means I need experience, but I don’t want to date someone for a part. That’d be so wrong. But I need to date someone, don’t I? How am I supposed to woo an audience if I’ve never wooed anybody in my life?”
“Thou doth not have to woo anyone, dear nephew.” Uncle Rouxls said gently, taking Ralsei’s nervous paws in his hands. “The only thing thou needs is for all those worms to think of thou differently. Thou doth not have to necessarily be different. Actors who play villains don’t have to have donest villainous things to play thine’s part. Thou’d be surprised though.”
“Like method acting,” Ralsei said, drawing the words out as the idea rattled around in his mind. Pursing his lips, more than a little intrigued, he asked, “How would that work, then?”
“Throw up a ruse; feign courting someone. Thou only needs to be seen acting all romantic with someone. No needst to get reale, messy feelings involved.”
That’s absolutely looney, but it might just work. If his problem was his optics, he would simply change the optics, not himself. So, he finds someone to be his fake datemate. Then they go out in public holding hands and post pictures of their “dates,” and then boom! Everyone thinks they’re together. Twitter was convinced Kris and him were together with even less than that. And as long as he and his pretend lover put on a good enough show, he’ll go from Boy Next Door to… a slightly more romanceable Boy Next Door. It’s perfect. Absurd, but perfect.
“Okay, but who am I supposed to pretend to date?” He asked, practically bouncing in his seat now. Of course, the relationship had to be mutually beneficial. He’d hate to take advantage of anyone. “I’m not too picky, but castmates are definitely out. And it can’t be anyone too weird either. MonStar Teens would have a field day if it was.”
“Ugh. Those Bottom Feeders, The Lot Of Them.” Auntie Queen said from behind the dressing screen. Contempt dripping from her every word. “Are They Bothering You? I Was Under The Impression You Cleared That Up, Peach Boy.”
Ralsei’s eyes darted over to his satchel hung a rung near the door. He should’ve thrown the MonStar Teens magazine out at Seam’s Seap when he had the chance. Gulping his shame down, he answered, “I did. They just couldn’t resist speculating that something is going on between Kris and me.”
Moments later, Auntie Queen stepped out from behind the screen. Looking killer in her jumpsuit, to a stirring round of applause from the Swatchlings. Ralsei and Uncle Rouxls joined in once Lancer came out in his adorable little suit.
Loving every moment, they gave the room a couple of poses before Queen waved the clapping away. “Hold The Applause, People.” Strutting over to the dais, she settled Lancer on one of the steps with her phone before taking her place on top.
Swatch circled around her to get a better view of their creation that hung on her smooth, elegant body. Then, holding their chin, they looked her up and down before they asked, “But what if there was?”
“Huh?” Ralsei said into the brief, confused silence that had claimed the from. Where had that come from?
Looking up from where they were adjusting the jumpsuit’s overlay, Swatch arched a brow. You know, as if it was everyone else who couldn’t keep up. “What if there was something between you two?”
“I’ve been telling thou, they’re mad as a hatter.” Uncle Rouxls muttered out of the side of his mouth.
“Think about it Kaard.” Swatch said, shooting daggers across the room. “A whirlwind romance of the ages. Prince and his Knight? You know the public would eat that up. And I have to admit, I’d have a field day designing matching outfits for those two. Really lean into that tale as old as time, courtly love thing. I’d have another excuse to get Ralsei into another corset.”
It can’t be that obvious. Can it? Surely the answer to all of his problems couldn’t be in the pages of a trashy teen magazine. But it made sense. It made way too much sense. If the internet was already primed for Kris and him to be together, then why not give them what they’re expecting. Catti did mention something about people shipping them. And that they didn’t look bad together.
Excitement bubbling in his chest, Ralsei said, “Oh my gosh, Swatch. You’re a genius.”
“Well,” Swatch drawled, feathers puffing up and a smug smirk settling on his beak. “I do try.”
Turning to his uncle, tugging on his suit’s sleeves, Ralsei asked, “Uncle Rouxls, do you think that would work?”
“I twas speaking to their manager the otherest daye.” He answered, pressing his thin lips together with a tilt of his head.
“Kris has a manager?”
“Hmm, as far as I knowest. Don’t even know howe he got mine number, pretentious worm that he was. Sounded self-important and like he thought he twas the smartest person in the room.”
“Oh, so Kris and I share something in common.”
“The mouth on thou!” Uncle Rouxls said, holding a hand to his chest. “Anyways, as I was saying before I was quite rudely interrupted. He had concerns about rectifying Kris’ reputation so that it wouldn’t be ruining their career. Career, beingst the keyworde there, dear nephew. The little Human wants to be a barde. Which meaningst that they shall need tremendously wealthy and important eyes on them.”
“And Darkness knows I have a million of those on me every day. If we were to team up…” It’d be a win-win situation. Ralsei’ll get the role that will make his parents proud, and Kris gets to have the mainstream recognition that they deserve. Cue the happily ever after. “It’d be the ideal arrangement, for the both of us.”
“An arrangement. Aye, it will be.” Uncle Rouxls said, a crazed grin sneaking its way onto his face. Then, practically vibrating in his seat, he went on as casually as he could. “Thou will be-ist in needst of a written accord.”
Oh, great. Now Ralsei’s set him off. With an exasperated sigh, Ralsei nodded. “Yes, it’d be best if we got it down in writing.”
Stars bursting in his eyes, Uncle Rouxls began listing off the logistics of such a plan. The contracts and NDAs. All in complicated legalese that Ralsei could barely comprehend.
With a shake of his head, he got up from his stool and hooked an arm around one of his uncle’s. Leading him from the kitchen and towards the front door. All the while, he went on and on. Yep, he was one hundred percent on board with this plan. Nothing could stop him now.
Opening the door, Ralsei pushed his uncle halfway through it as he said, “You better head over to your office before you forget anything important.”
“Capital idea, dear nephew!” Uncle Rouxls said, planting a kiss between his horns. Lifting Ralsei’s chin with a single knuckle, he gave a frenzied smile and said, “We’ll speak soon.” before rushing off down the hall.
Shutting the door behind him, he let his head rest against it. Allowing a sense of peace to wash over him, his mind drifted back to the memories of Kris’ video explaining away their scandal.
They were way too clever for their own good. Teasing the audience and needling the people making all that fuss. Though he had to admit, his heart skipped a beat when they addressed him with a half-smirk on their lips. And when they’d shot the camera, shot him, a wink, a blush covered his cheeks. Horrible flirt. A tentative smile found its way onto his face.
Looks like he just found the key to honouring his parents’ legacy, and it’d fallen into his lap weeks ago, drunker than a skunk. Funny how things work out.
Ayy, you made it! I hope you liked this week's chapter, it was written on like two hours of sleep. So if it was incomprehensible, I'm so sorry. Fun times ahead though! We're finally getting to the promised Fake Dating part of the fic!!! Which will be fun for me to write and hopefully just as fun for y'all to read.
That's all for now I think. Thanks again for reading this far, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. Imma go pass out.
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