while the hypomania is certainly major and my brain has literally felt like a pinball machine for the last 10 days… (i’ve also been averaging 3 & 1/2 hours since starting, even the multiple times i got home past 5am last weekend) i haven’t felt this way in a really long time but honestly ever. hypomania aside, restlessness aside, i haven’t lost track of all the work i’ve done, all the things i’ve done, everything i’ve learned. yes im bippity bopping all over the place & cannot sit the hell down or shut the hell up; but my headspace is still largely progressed albeit in a million different places. i’ve been trying to make the time to sit down & really process where i stand now & hone in on a plan/routine/structure (i also told my psychiatrist i’d msg him with an update on the 17th) but again it’s just too much all at once right this moment. but im gonna find the time soon.
i’m just really grateful as i feel like i’m starting to see it come together. i feel like i’ve waited my whole life to feel like myself & more than anything i couldn’t get past the fact that i couldn’t feel hardly anything. anhedonia is a real big bitch & idk if i’ll ever be able to put into words how significantly that’s hindered me and kept me inside myself. but thats been my own battle journey. i think the biggest thing for me right this moment is figuring out a way to honor myself, how i feel, what i’ve been through & am still going through, while also keeping in mind that everyones going through & needs some grace. but its hard when i was fighting..alone..for so long. having to mask & pretend for so long, put more thought into how i would make arrangements to take myself out & not being able to which is the only reason i continued to fight. i think it comes across as woe is me & ppl think i expect sympathy but honeslty more than i anything i just wanted ppl to understand just how difficult living was, just how impossible things got. the SI didnt just come out of nowhere, i felt obliterated, and utterly destroyed. how could one continue when there was literally nothing left. & for a really long time i really didnt want or expect to. it was always just a matter of time. & while i felt consistently like a fraction & felt like ppl only wanted to be around me when i was put together but no one had the space or capacity for me as a fragment, it doesnt matter now. the goal was always and has always been, for me, to be able to be, me. to feel able to feel present. to feel able to be alive. & im closer than ever. i dont need to tell my whole story for people to understand the true pile of the ashes, for that to matter, for that to determine my value now. it also doesn’t diminish everything i’ve over come or powered through. i always felt like it did & i really neeeeded to tell it so once i was gone ppl would really understand. some dont know & may never know & that is okay. i really struggle with this to my core & have found it very difficult to separate myself from all of it.
i guess my whole point is that it didnt seem to matter, as long as i was able to tell my story in some kind of way. as long as it existed & i was able to get it out, then i could let it go. but now i’m no longer all consumed by it, still drowning in it. but i don’t want it to disappear behind the presentation that i give now. its kinda how i felt in 2023 like damn i never felt so in touch with myself & able to express myself & it feels like all of this ppl don’t know how dark it was at times in the past & i’m really fearful of relapsing because i feel like they will all turn away once its get dark & ugly. & thats exactly what happened 😭 so now that i’ve been through MUCh worse, it’s not as heavy as before. its not as attached to “me” as it was before. it comes from them & if they decide that thats how they see me/feel about me & it doesn’t align with how i truly feel about myself, then i just have to let that/them go. life goes on. butttttttttt…. theres alot of unresolved trauma there & the c-ptsd diagnosis confirmed all that. so i’m trying to figure out a way to honor & leave behind everything that was, as i now transition to the other side, without feeling like at core i’ll always be too much for people/ i’ll always lose ppl when my mental health takes over. although i am responsible for my actions & how i treat ppl, alot of it isn’t/wasn’t “me” perhaps that sounds like evading accountability but at the same time i really dgaf/ you cannot talk to me unless you have the same comorbid diagnosis because you just would not be able to full empathize with what im saying or understand what its like to feel in the passenger seat of your own mind/life
anyways anyways anyways, i think thats a good draft for now. like i said before, the hypomania is strong so its very difficult to finalize/conclude on how i feel/where my heads at; as i could continue talking about it & continue to feel differently or find a different/better way to phrase or verbalize what i mean. its a new level of restlessness but theres a strange presentness within all of it. as my mind is pulling from current stimuli, the past & the future all at once & re-learning/adjusting/reframing at the same. i feel like this but also this & also this but theres also that & i have to also mention that oh but then kind in mind that…. you get it. is it the nardil? or is it the METH? lmaoooo i like to make jokes about it as never would in a million years thought that i would have a prescription for METH. & the clearest, purest, more delicious meth at that 😋 the purest meth in town, the highest quality meth around. lmao okay it was time for an update and an form of a conclusive update that was. i wanna give it up for my mom, i wanna give up for not only God, but jesus too. lastly i wanna give it up for my mother fucking self. always been a lonerrr but lately im having fun, & happy to be in my own lil world. only uP from here. pls God let it only be uP from here
kaledo-art
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
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