Do what you wish, but do no harm

I am a lot of things, and a lot of things I'm not. Which ones are which? Hell if I know. https://www.last.fm/user/Kryonic_rus

[kryonic]

Hey there!

Gods know why are you here (and I would run away as fast as possible if I were you), but it's only polite to do a proper greeting and set some expectations beforehand.

Pleasure to make acquiaintance:

Name: Denis

Age: 32

From: Russia

Gender: about what you would expect tbh

Occupation: Business Intelligence Analyst (fancy) / Yaps too much and it somehow works (real)

Currently reading: Fallen London, apparently. Welcome. Delicious friend.

Pets: a cat, currently. She can't live where I am though and I'm in a permanent state of heartbreak because of that

Personality type: INTP through and through

Zodiac sign (for those who care): You know, read the whole thing and guess ;) I'm curious myself what do I sound like.

I smoke, I swear, I try to be polite and intelligent with various degrees of success. I have tattoos

What is happening here?

In short? Most likely just an infodump of whatever my brain can't process internally, and my best idea was to write that for public *shudder*. Or repost people infinitely more creative than I'll ever be.

A longer version? Probably one of these:

Mental health, coping with ADHD, alexithymia, possibly autism? Last one is unconfirmed, but heavily suspected

Shower thoughts, obvious "revelations" and other masses of semi-coherent ideas. Trust me, I'm usually as confused as it sounds, and that's after I try to formulate that as a sane being

Dark fantasy, heroic fantasy.. well, any fantasy really. Quotes from books that resonate with me. From Sir Terry Pratchett to Warhammer 40k

Animals. Animals are fascinating. Certainly better than most people I've seen. I love cats and dogs equally, but for different reasons and with different types of love. I've had a pet tarantula and a scorpion, fun times.

Dungeons and Dragons, Pathfinder and other suspects of tabletop roleplay. Frankly, did you expect anything else after all you've seen?

Games. Too many to talk about, though I do gravitate towards RPGs and strategies. In no particular order: Pokemon, Terraria, Destiny, Warframe, TES series, Witcher series, Age of Wonders series, Heroes of Might and Magic series, Might and Magic series, Undertale, Omori, Warcraft/Starcraft/Diablo series, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Darkest Dungeon, Cult of the Lamb, and I can yap and yap and yap forever, so I should probably stop.

Other weird random stuff: physics, philosophy, IT, magic and logic, reason and insanity, combining the incombinable

Phew. I also love underwater diving, but eh

Are you insane?

Before you take a wild (and most probably correct) guess - consider that normalcy is nothing more than average across a select human population => is not set in stone and depends a LOT on your sample/location/timeline.

But yes. I'm hardly normal compared to humanity average, it kinda works out in the end though.

I'm also just an enormous pile of self-contradictions: I'm a deadbeat introvert, yet I love to yap random stuff to people I don't know; I love clarity, logic and being short and direct, yet the pile of text above is self-evident. How does it work? I have no idea, spent like 30+ years figuring it out and have little to no progress to show for it.

Some people said that I am "fun" and "interesting". The truthfullness of these statements are up for debate, but it's all relative anyway, and hence - pointless.

Still here?

Chances are you're a similar flavour of weird, so you should be right at home. I don't expect anything, yet I'll love to debate whatever. Mostly. It's complicated, but it shouldn't be surprising anymore, right?

Seriously though, I just found that twitter is too short of a blog for my taste and reddit is more for reading. Hence, I'll infodump stuff from my head here, and hey, maybe it'll resonate with someone. That would be the best possible outcome for me.

Take care, stay hydrated, challenge everything. Or not, it's your life anyway ;)

[myspace]

[alleesaur]

the productivity creatures

[shenoego]

GET BACK HERE

[sebright]

Houndoom

[kryonic]

I was born in a poor'ish family. Well, 90s in Russia were weird, with all of the banditism and stuff, and my parents were barely out of their teen years when I was born, so we didn't really have much for ourselves. All things considered, it could've been much worse, but still, not a rich childhood by any means

Our family was also pretty big. I was a pilot project for sure, but quickly enough I've got a little sister (when I was 4) and then a second one (when I was eight). We've also had a divorce, which will be only tangentially related to the topic I'm going to cover, but to put that in perspective as of now I have 3 little sisters and 2 little brothers for both branches of my parents' family trees

Ultimately, being a boy in a country with strong patriarchal worldview on the surface (Russia is weird like that, it's patriarchal on the outside and in law and culture, but really women are usually in charge with most of the things concerning a family), I've got all of the expectations from being a boy there. You know, the usual stuff, be strong, take action, be self-sufficient, don't cry or show weakness, get good grades, all that crap

Now add in the fact that pretty early in my life our family had to take care of my sweet gentle sisters, and with the divorce piled on top of that, I quickly came to a realization that I need to be self-sufficient. I shouldn't be a bother. Life is hard, and I shouldn't add trouble to it. The girls are fragile and gentle beings, so they should get more focus (ok, this one is totally my brain short-circuiting, for all the doom and gloom I can't fault my parents for actually caring for us all equally). Long story short - I'm the oldest, I'm a male, hence I must be an example for my siblings, I must be patient, I must be humble and, all things considered, I can tolerate the inconvenience, so I should

In fact, I can't say I disagree with any of these theses. They're right in their own way, applied reasonably. What kids aren't really famous for are being reasonable. I really tried though, got it in some places, falied in most. So that led me to an issue I'm currently trying to resolve within myself, namely - the capacity to want things

I got so used to suppressing my desires for others' sake that I started to gradually forget about what I actually need. And not because of some kind of trauma or something, I genuinely love my family so much I'd rather suffer than be an inconvenience to them. So I got used to being the first one to give way to others at the expense of myself. I'm a strong guy, I can wait/tolerate this/withstand that. Compound that with my attachment issues from the divorce, which was (and to a certain degree still is) a paralyzing fear that people I love most will eventually leave me, and boom, here's a trauma cocktail with double-whipped anxiety

I'm afraid of losing people, so I try not to get close I've got timid enough, so needs of everyone come before my own I should be strong enough, so I am able to bend, but not break

Anyway, that's the preamble done, now to the things I actually want to discuss. Trying to figure out how to allow myself to want things and not feel guilty about that

It's funny, it's a very reasonable train of thought. Why should you be guilty about wanting things? But somehow not everything that's reasonable for the brain is reasonable for the heart. I find it very, very hard to answer the question of "what do you want?", when ot relates to simple stuff. Not because I'm afraid, but because I don't even know that. I know what I need, sure, but most of the time the difference between the things is so miniscule that my decision-making process is basically an RNG. Pizza or sushi? Don't know, I'd enjoy both. Choosing the restraunt? Most likely it'll all be roughly the same in the end. I'm absolutely apathic to trivial decisions. They don't matter. I can't seem to find it in me

So I've heard that the way to correct that is to be mindful of what you want, do it and congratulate yourself on it. It doesn't really work for me though. Because as soon as I try to think about things that I want, that's the rough list I have in my head:

I want the world to be a safer place for everyone

I want it to be so nobody would need to fear for their life and their future

I want every single person in the world to have their own space, roof, running water, heating, bed and Internet

I want it to be so there would be no wars, tearing families apart and ruining lives

I want everyone to wake up not with the concern of survival, but with the optimism and eagerness for living

I want everyone to be assured that any medical issue they might have would be resolved without going in debt or losing a job

I want to live in a world where people are free to live, explore, travel, pursue hobbies, be productive and enjoy it

And lastly, I want that humans would be able to change their eye colour at will. Just because it's hilarious and cool af

When I think of things I want, there's almost never something I want for myself. And I have no idea, whether it's right or wrong, sane or insane. All I have is a list of impossible desires

And I have no idea on what should I do about that, if anything

Rant over

[kryonic]

Last Saturday my archery teacher (i.e. the woman who has introduced me to the club and somehow still helps me to learn) told me that my shooting has grown to the level where I start to impress newcomers

And, you know, that could have been worded in a million different ways, but this one in particular has hit me right in the receptor of the warm and fuzzy feelings

Granted, I still have much to learn, I still have to work on my stance and proper arrow release, but it's a good feeling of progress

[trve-grimdark]

[catchymemes]

[kryonic]

Also applies to voice messages. I ain't listening that shit

[kryonic]

Today in our Dragonbane game my character, a mentalist halfling, has died to a critical hit crossbow bolt to the face and a dagger in the gut. Well, also to a crit fail death saving throw. In the first 2 hours of the session. 8 armor stoneskin my ass, very fucking helpful

It was so stupid, yet funny as hell. Our setting is grim and hostile in general, and to non-humans in particular. At least I wasn't the only one, our asshole elf has died too.

Anyway, I've taken over one of the DM's NPCs, now I'm a catgirl bard called Amanis. That will be interesting to try to roleplay

[kryonic]

Losing count of the amount of days staring into the void

Fate tells me to persevere though. I hate when it does that, persevering is tedious

[retroactivebakeries]

[kryonic]

Hey, I've had my antidepressants reproscribed to me.

The ones that make me feel I'm about to throw up approximately 60% of the waking time. But still, it's better than wrestling with the demons. I almost shot a guy with a bow the other day, I fully recognized he was on the range, I just was too detached to acknowledge that. Good thing my action speed has slowed down accordingly, and a second shout of "Out!!" snapped me out of it. Lucky me, I've seen a guy being expelled from the club for exactly that.

Such a weird state of mind. Like, I'm still there, the world has not changed drastically, yet everything feels so.. inconsequential I guess? Pointless, boring and stupid. Quite close to actually almost throwing up, but always not quite, and you didn't really eat anything that could lead to such a state, if you try to translate this emotional state to a physical condition. Oh, and on top of that you have, like, 37.2°C, so not a fever by a long shot, but also enough to know something has broken

And what sucks the most? There is a good way out of that, it just requires you to do perfectly ordinary stuff, like proper and consistent meals, walks, physical excercise. Which is borderline impossible to do in that state. Like, I'm an expert in procrastination, you'd think I'd have an easier time with it. Fuck no, nothing works, even self-induced anxiety and stress is just enough to do the base minimum on my job to not get fired on top of all that crap

It sucks. Hopefully it would suck less in 2 weeks. Cheers

[failbettergames]

Forty years ago, London was stolen by bats.

Fallen London is an online text adventure; a Victorian gaslight fantasy with horror in its bones and romance laced throughout its meat. Also it's funny.

You might have seen our gender selection text doing the rounds on here:

It's more than 4.5 million words long, and as such defies summary. However, it's broken down into morsels small enough that you won't choke.

It's playable for free on anything that can open a web browser. There are no ads and no installs. It's not possible to infinitely scroll it; you get some actions, spend them, and then are released to go and think about what you've done.

It has been developed over 16 years without the use of AI. (Anything with incorrect fingers is like that on purpose.)

Welcome, delicious friend.

[kryonic]

Yep, lately I'm obsessed with it, and for a good reason. Never thought I'll be roleplaying in a browser-based text game, but there's something special in implementing all social actions as letters you send, and not a live chat. People can disappear for several days at the zee (or in the dreamland, or in the underworld, or in the asylum, or...), and you won't be able to reach them. It keeps you wondering what other people's FLPCs are up to. And it just naturally flows to communicating in proper letter text structure. Exceedingly delicious.

A shoutout to a certain Doctor Asriel Crowe, my colleague in Violant, a Seeker of North, and a polite scientist. I treasure our mail exchange a lot!

Seriously though, the game's amazing, it doesn't beg for your attention and the setting is marvellous. And! You just need a browser for it.

There is a side effect though. It started to transform the way I speak in English to be even more bizzarre. Not a problem for me though hehe

[kryonic]

This gaping hole in my chest is filled with deceit. I fear that all my cries fell upon deaf ears, I caress flesh with severed nerves, I go veiled in darkness and disease, This November swallows me whole

[tobiasdrake]

One thing I will always appreciate Fullmetal Alchemist for is the fact that they let Roy Mustang be complicit in genocide.

Mustang is an Atoner figure. Something that plagues Atoner figures is when writers are too precious about the characters we're meant to like to actually let them be guilty of something serious.

The Atoner might be trying to make amends for their involvement in the Great '87 Hotel Massacre, and then three seasons in you find out what happened. And it's like, "I drove a taxi to the hotel, and the KILLER was in it! I ferried the killer to the hotel! That makes me responsible, and now I must atone for being nearby while the killings took place! And also vanquish the real killer who is the villain for this season."

Or maybe the Atoner did do the killings but they were under mind control the whole time and would never, ever have done it in their right mind.

But FMA said no. Mustang, Hawkeye, Hughes, even Armstrong to an extent though he suffered a breakdown and fled during it. They did that shit. They followed their orders and they did that shit. And it haunts them.

Roy did that shit. And his atonement, his grand ambition, is to see everyone responsible for that shit brought to justice for their crimes. Including himself.

That is how you write an atonement plot.

[kryonic]

Today I've went to the concert at last. I used to absolutely enjoy going to these, after all music tends to a wide variety of spiritual wounds, however with all of the work it was harder and harder to find some time to.. indulge in this. Hopefully, the curse is broken now

I'm beyond satisfied, really should do that more often. Of course, attached here are obligatory shitty photos from a crap camera from the very back of the warehouse it was in

... and even more shitty videos of the same

Time and money well spent. And a new trophy t-shirt obtained. I love my concert t-shirts. Even if they're expensive af, still worth it

[kryonic]

Now I wish Serbia got more bands visiting. Wanna say the warmup band from Cyprus has been astonishingly energetic and a pleasure to hear. I did, however, totally forget to write them down, which is not decent behaviour, and I will be shamed for it

I do plan to just put one of these photos as a background on my Teams for the calls. Fuck corporate bullshit, I'll be having a kickass concert background instead

[kryonic]

Today I've went to the concert at last. I used to absolutely enjoy going to these, after all music tends to a wide variety of spiritual wounds, however with all of the work it was harder and harder to find some time to.. indulge in this. Hopefully, the curse is broken now

I'm beyond satisfied, really should do that more often. Of course, attached here are obligatory shitty photos from a crap camera from the very back of the warehouse it was in

... and even more shitty videos of the same

Time and money well spent. And a new trophy t-shirt obtained. I love my concert t-shirts. Even if they're expensive af, still worth it