Tracking Thoughts

25. USC Graduate. BU graduate . Working in public health. Living in the bay. SC: blahkrystian

[krystianp]

Did I mention I’m moving to the Bay next weekend? 

Oh, yeah... I’m doing that. 

[krystianp]

I’m feeling particularly defeated by the world right now

and am trying to work my way out of it.

[krystianp]

Right now,

I need to be unforgiving of others

so I can be forgiving of myself and

heal,

grow,

and achieve

in the ways I want to.

[krystianp]

I wonder if you’re remembering me whenever I feel like this.

[krystianp]

I’m trying to do more reading in my life.

Any book recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

I think it’s an avoidance strategy, but at least it’s a healthy one~

[krystianp]

Merp.

[krystianp]

Now that two years have passed, I wonder if

you’ve become a better version of yourself,  you’ve overcome barriers you once perceived to be insurmountable,  you’ve found some of what you were looking for.

Now that two years have passed, I want you to know 

I’ve grown infinitely closer to learning what it means to truly love myself,  I’ve thought of and thanked you almost every day since, I’ve taken all you taught me everywhere I go, turned it into my lifestyle, really.

I’m still struggling with finding compassion for myself, but I’ve been practicing forgiving, myself and others. 

I’m still struggling to name for myself what I need,  but I’ve been practicing creating space for myself.

I’m still struggling, but I’ve grown so much.

Now that two years have passed, so much is different, 

and part of me wishes I could share with you.

Instead, I’m putting it out into the universe, hoping, some way, somehow, my energy finds its way to you.

I wish all is well with you, from over here.

[krystianp]

Just like that, my career as a teacher is over.

[krystianp]

More people need to practice expressing gratitude and kindness on a more regular basis because more people deserve to feel as affirmed in their lives as I did when I read this.

[krystianp]

As a teacher, your impact often feels so far removed from your everyday efforts. Students may not realize the lessons you’ve taught are important until years down the line or recognize that having high behavioral and academic expectations is your way of saying “I care” and “I believe in you.” For many, students may never be able to acknowledge your impact. 

The other day, I was out sick from work because I didn’t have a voice. No voice = no teaching. 

When I returned to school, one of the teachers asked me to talk with one of our most disruptive students in the hall because he needed a reset to avoid being sent out of the class. The student and I have been working together lately to work on unpacking his mal-adaptive coping strategies and regulating his emotions. 

I jokingly opened the conversation, saying, “Did you miss me yesterday?” 

What I wasn’t expecting, though, was for my student to bashfully admit “Yes.” 

When asked why, my student said, “I just wanted to talk to you, but you weren’t here...” 

My student then tried to act as though there wasn’t anything bothering him, but then finally opened up. We talked about it for a while and had to come to a tough realization that, sometimes, we need to let people out of our lives if they are toxic, even if they’re some of our closest friends. 

To close the conversation, the student said, “Thank you, mister. I wanted to talk to you yesterday because I really trust you.” 

As a teacher, you put in so much energy and effort into supporting each and every one of your students, hoping that, while you are their teacher, they will change their behaviors to be more positive (however that is perceived) or will master a new skill. You may never see the change, but this was a very rare moment in which I got to see the impact I had on a student. 

Cries in the corner. 

[krystianp]

I was out sick today because I have literally no voice left, so I assigned my students this TED talk as a replacement to the lesson I wanted to teach about code switching.

An overwhelming majority of my students are Puerto Rican, so I assigned them an article on code switching from the Asian perspective and a video from the Black perspective.When asked their initial reactions to the video, most students wrote things, like:

She seems very confident.

She’s talking very fast, which made it difficult for me to understand. 

She went to college, so she must be very educated, and I agree with what she had to say. 

Two comments stood out to me, though: one from one of my Black students and one from a female student. 

Black student: Amazed. 

Female student: This is the best video I’ve ever seen.

These comments remind me of the power of representation in education. I haven’t yet connected with the students, but I’m assuming this is one of the few times they’ve seen a Black woman portrayed in the classroom as an icon for change, empowerment, and resistance. 

As a social studies teacher, I’ve focused on the everyday experience of the marginalized rather than the macro-view of history, and I’ve presented the problems and people who have enacted change on the ground as an avenue to achieve institutional change. I have no idea how this will influence the ways my students will grow up to view their worlds, but I can only hope it helps them in the slightest.

This is a hot mess of a post, but I’m still pretty delirious from sickness, and I’m over the white dominant cultural norm of needing to appear highly articulate at all times :)

[krystianp]

The other day, I got this note I wrote to myself at a conference in the mail.

Dear Krystian, 

Remember, wherever you are and whatever you are doing, evaluate your values and the values of those around you. If you are feeling misaligned, know that it is valid for you to pursue change.

Thank you,

Current KP

Recently, I decided to withdraw my job offer in St. Louis, despite it seeming like the best next step in my career. Since doing so, I haven’t been able to fully verbalize or put down in writing why. This note, though, gets at the root of the reason, and the fact that I wrote it just a week after accepting the job offer probably reveals something about how I was feeling. 

Next year, I’ll be spearheading the social-emotional learning program at my school; and, in admitting that, I feel so much more energized and inspired than I ever felt talking about my prospective job in St. Louis. That, that’s how I instantly knew I had made the right decision, even after all the hours of contentious reflection and multiple counter-offers. 

Really, all I wanted to say is that I’m psychic. 

[krystianp]

I’m just a few months out of hitting another really big transition point in my life, and it’s honestly been throwing me off quite a bit. I still haven’t been able to fully process the transition, so I’m hoping putting it in writing is going to help a bit. 

A few weeks ago, I officially committed to moving to St. Louis, MO to join (yet another) school in its founding year as the history department lead. It’s an incredible opportunity; and, when people talk about the right opportunity coming to you at the right time, this was it. I’ve learned that you can’t pass up on the feeling that everything just clicks, but I can’t help but feel the impostor syndrome kick in. I will openly and proudly admit that I’ve grown tremendously over the past two years in my teaching practice; and, in talking with other teachers who are at the same or similar point in their teaching careers as I, I can confidently hold my own against them. While it’s not necessarily something new to me, I’ll be joining the team as the youngest member. Among the department leads, I have the least amount of classroom experience, all other leads have eight or more years in the classroom and/or coaching. I’ve been assured and validated by the leaders of the organization multiple times, highlighting my merits in curriculum design, data analysis, and teaching practice, but something in me still fears my validity as a leader will be undermined by my perceived incompetence associated with my age and years of experience. 

I’m also still having feelings of guilt for leaving my current school. I fully recognize that I’ve hit a wall at my school in terms of my growth, which is a direct conflict with my values as a professional, making a transition out a logical step for me. I can’t help, however, feeling immense guilt leaving my students after teaching them for two years. Together, we’ve been made a ton of progress over these two years. To leave them now seems like a stab in their backs, even though I am still confident in the school team’s ability to continue providing a high quality education to them. Additionally, I’ve cultivated so many strong professional relationships with my co-workers and leaders. Teaching is such a personal profession that I can’t help but feel like the decision I’ve made is a personal one, when it really isn’t. 

Lastly, I’m feeling fearful about building a community in St. Louis. Again, it’s a place where I know virtually nobody. There are a few people I know from high school who live there, but it’s not like we’re close friends or I’d feel comfortable reaching out to them. People have offered to put me into contact with people they know who live there, which is extremely nice, but not necessarily a guarantee of community. I’ve been living the effects of not having a strong social support system within physical proximity these past two years, and teaching, let alone starting a new school, is such grueling work that, without the support system, I ended up in some really dark places. It’s without a doubt that I’ll be put in really difficult situations next year, but it doesn’t have to be without support. I’m hoping I’ll be able to make some connections early on. 

I’ve been trying to choose myself lately. I’ve been using a daily reflection app, doing 30 minutes of yoga every day, and cleaning up my apartment. Hopefully getting more and more in order each day will create some mental space. I’ve also been wanting to get back into writing/blogging, but I’m unsure of how/when/where/etc. 

Merp. 

[krystianp]

In case you were wondering how teaching is going for me, 

one of my kids wrote on a survey today, “When are we going to start learning about REAL history?”

Just been out here teaching that fake history.

[krystianp]

In my state of exhaustion last night, I panicked and woke up in the middle of the night and set two alarms for 6 am because I thought I’d wake up late for school. Woke up very confused.

I’m so stupid I can’t even be mad at myself...

[krystianp]

Woah. Today was probably one of my toughest days since the start of the school year; my kids really kicked my ass today... 

Probably doesn’t help that I am losing my voice. 

Oh, and my online instructor for my grad class emailed me expressing concerns about the fact that I haven’t turned in any assignments yet. Oops. Forgot I was doing that.

Not the finest time in Krystian land. The burnout is coming quickly. pls stop.

[krystianp]

Got an impulse tattoo. 

Merp.