The topic of motherhood is so complicated. It’s one thing to not be a mother of your own choice and another pain for it to be completely out of your hands. So when family members come up to me saying something along the lines of when will it be my turn, I just want to scream and cry all at the same time for different reasons. It’s my choice to not to want to have kids because I want to be able to provide for them without struggle and right now I’m honestly struggling to provide for myself. What’s not on my side is timing. I am getting older and still not in a space where becoming a mother is an option even if I wanted to. It is a possibility for later because my mother was able to have me at 42 but there’s so much risk and difficulties being an older mom. I’ve always said that I’m leaving it in God’s hands but I also don’t take motherhood lightly. As much as I know I could be such a great and loving mom, I know all it comes with that I don’t know if my heart could handle. I want it so badly and yet can’t; but also I can’t because I don’t want to.
