DA:I Trespasser: Credits Dialogue
During the credits for the Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, Cassandra reads excerpts of Varric’s new Inquisition-inspired book, “All This Shit Is Weird”.
The audio is the best part, because she imitates the voices and accents of every character. <3 Here are all the audio transcripts:
1. What is this? A new book? “All This Shit Is Weird.”
Oh, Varric. That is a terrible title. What are you even thinking?”
2. “The sky churned like a roiling sea on a dark and stormy night, centered on a gaping hole that led to the ass-end of nowhere.”
“A hole that spit up many things that day: comets, demons...and whole lot of trouble.”
(Gasps.) It’s about the Inquisition!
3. “The din of the tavern cut the silence like it owned the Carta money. In the middle, in her element, Red Jenny. She looked me up and down - mostly down.”
‘Not playing, weirdy,’ she said, gesturing with, and dismissively eating, a sandwich. ‘Don’t write that. Seriously, piss up a rope.’
“Sera made the subtext text, which suited me fine.”
4. “The court enchanter swirled into the room like a drop of beautiful poison spreading in a wine glass. She sized me up with a glance.”
‘I’m so glad you made it, my dear,’ she said, ‘I am Madame de Fer, the most terrifying person you shall ever meet.’
5. “Leliana enfolded Alphonse in an embrace as warm as a serpent’s kiss. ‘I always knew I could count on your support.’”
“The count did not feel the bite of her poisoned dart until it was too late. ‘Even if it requires...your death.’”
6. “Drops of rain glistened on the griffon medallion grasped tightly in Blackwall’s hand. ‘The Silverite Wings of Valor. They mean nothing.’”
“He flung the medal to the cold and uncaring ground. ‘You don’t know what I’ve done! You. Don’t. Know. Me.’”
(Sighs.) So romantic.
7. “Cole moved like a shadow that also moved like a knife, a shadow wearing a hat where dreams came to die.”
“‘It’s a riddle,’ he whispered. ‘A cold riddle that gnaws at your mind, but you’ll feel better when it’s gone.’”
That...makes as much sense as anything Cole says.
8. “Do you place your Herald above the law, Ambassador?”
“‘Whose law, my lady?’ Josephine’s eyes glittered like angry opals. ‘The law destroyed by rebellion? By civil war? By poor fiscal management? We are the law!’”
9. “We left our mark on Adamant, but the dust hadn’t settled...and neither had Harding.”
‘I can offer you a drink, if I catch your meaning.’
‘If you’d caught my meaning, you’d have offered a double.’
What is even happening here?
10. “The Iron Bull was a great slab of muscle with horns that could hang a tapestry. One eye scanned for threats, while the other hid behind an eye patch like a Chantry sister’s old sins.”
“‘Come on,’ he barked, not looking back as he entered. ‘The dancer with the great rack comes on in five.’”
That is...spot-on, actually.
11. “The commander had the look of a templar that had seen the worst of humanity, yet still had the time to style his hair.”
“‘This isn’t just a war,’ he said, his gaze steely like a dull blade. ‘It’s the only war.’”
Cullen! That’s Cullen!
12. The mage wore a class of handsome sneer cultivated by a thousand years of Tevinter elitism.”
“The name’s Dorian,” he glared. “D-O-R-I-A-N. Spell it right, you marble-headed lump, or it’s...toad time.”
A toad? That’s hardly credible.
13. “The bald elf spun, mage staff crackling like the city after a good man’s murder. ‘You’re crazy!’ the red templar cried in terror.”
Moonlight glinted off of ears like the knives you never see coming. “Better to fade out than burn away.”
Ugh. Varric.
14. Wait, where am I? I don’t...oh, here it is.
“The Seeker clutched at my vest, her tears as desperate as they were pitiful.”
“Varric, I was wrong about everything,” she sobbed. “Could you find it in your noble heart to forgive me?”
That dwarf, he...he…
He put me in the book! (Giggles.) I’m in the book!
I am reading the shit out of this.
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