My experience with sexual abuse, bullying and domestic violence.
. I just watched “Audrie and Daisy” documentary on Netflix and being as overwhelmed as I am right now, I feel is the time to share my story for all the girls and women who had been through any kind of abuse, feel alone and wanting to end their life. You are not alone. Feel free to contact me if you are suffering or you know somebody that is suffering right now and want some advice. I am Alicia. I am about to be 29 years old next month as I write this.
Everything began when I was about to start school and I was in my granparents house with my older cousin (4 years older than me). At that specific day, we were left alone with our grandfather, and while he was cooking lunch, my cousin told me to come to the spare bedroom and asked me something like “Do you know what adults do in bed? it’s like wrestling, but kissing weirdly and with their clothes off”. So, knowing what a 3 year old girl, knew, I agreed; seeing nothing bad at it. My grandfather at some point went looking for us, separated us, spanked my cousin and told him that kids weren’t supposed to do that kind of thing. When I started preschool, some boys did the same in the playground playing “the doctor” and I then again, I ended up touching myself and other girls for a timespan I blocked out of my mind. And my heart goes out to those girls if what I did unknowlingly broke them. Skipping time, I had two male best friends and we used to study at one of their houses. I knew one of them was atracted to me since 6th grade, but I wasn’t into boys. Fast forward to 8th grade, my family started telling me that he was a good prospect of a boyfriend. Again, romantic relationships were not of my interest. One day we were doing homework as his house and I remember him telling me “let’s lay down on the floor while we read and copy”. I obliged. He then grabbed me and started touching me. I didn’t knew what to do. I was feeling dirty, but my family wanted me to be with him. The following months marked me forever. He started hugging me from behind and even to this day, I feel grose when anyone as much as touch my back or my hair. The year before we were to graduate from highschool (10th year), we were asked to take a test to rank our kowledge. After that exam, I went to his house with my other best friend, his twin cousins and another friends. We thought we were so badass at 16 drinking alcohol... Damn, I felt so badass. We played poker and drinking and all was fun and games until everyone left but the three of us stayed. My other best friend passed out on the bed and I was holding my drink until *that* friend told me to drink one more glass with him. I don’t know what happened to me in that instant, but I lost my hability to move. I barely could speak. He put me on the couch at his room and started telling me that I should feel lucky, because nobody would feel the way he felt about me. Then he started to take my clothes off halfway and kissed me and touched me. I told him something like “This is not what I want, but I would do it for you”. He reasoned with himself, dressed me again and I made him swear he wouldn’t tell anyone about it at school. To my surprise, next monday, everyone started looking at me differently and the girl who had a crush at him started to encounter me and calling me slult. For all my school years I was bullied for being fat, for my parents divorce, for being the grandchild of a teacher, for beeing a bookworm, a geek and for not having as much money as their family did. But being called a slut? when I was a virgin? that was too much to take. And I didn’t even knew why. The best friend who passed out on the bed called me to the library and told me the reason: My so believed best friend told everybody we had sex and I even told him that I loved him. I was so ashamed. I blamed myself. I started crying to sleep, so I had a really bad case of black undereyes until I graduated. That led to people asking me if I was doing drugs. Now, at 17, I was a fat slut who smoked and did drugs. WOW. After I graduated and went to university, everything went down. I my other best friend and I went out to the same campus and since I couldn’t make any friends in my faculty, I hung up with him and his friends. Then I knew women’s bullying at its most. One afternoon/night, we were drinking on campus and two of his friends grabbed me and forced me to kiss them. I was robbed of myt first kiss by a friend trying to rape me and now the were forcing them to me and telling me to like it. I can’t even put in words how dirty I felt. I was more depressed than before and I thought I had no one to rely on. By the end of the year, I pleaded with my grandpa and mom to go to a design college. I was granted to go, even if it would be a monetary struggle. Guess who was in the design college? my friend. The one who forced on me all those years. And If you guessed right; my family was delighted and wanted us to be in a relationship. I was not into relationships. At this point I couldn’t stand someone touching me. A few months into the career, he went steady with my now best female friend. I warned her and subtly told her he wanted all to be his way. Nevertheless, she was infatuated. Everytime she wasn’t looking he would put me in his lap, started caressing me and still told me I was lucky for him to set eyes on me. I froze everytime. Fearing that if I told my friend what happened, she would put the blame on me. Time for graduation. He was leaving the country and broke up with my friend. I blocked the memmory of how we ended up in that situation, but I believe either I needed to use his computer or we went to his moving away party, but there we where. In his room. Alone. Again. He told me he broke up with my friend and there was one last thing he needed to do. I knew what it was. I surrendered. Nobody would want me but him, right? I was still a virgin at 21 and my female friends moked me for that. So, I had the worst sex of my life. I gave him my virginity for him to not have anything else to take away from me. I dind’t worth it to anyone but him. After one year, I found a circle of friends (mostly male) where I fit and we went partying and drinking on weekends. I decided to have sex with one of them and that led me to believe we were friends with benefits. Let me tell you one thing you may not know about friends with benefits: They have sex with other people too. One night I decided to hang out at his place and he had another girl arround. He went to his bedroom to have a marathon with her and left me with two lusty friends of him. I rejected them both. Guess what? now I was “the fat slut who didn’t want to fuck”.
I moved countries when I was 23. Coped with my depression, but couldn’t find no job and my stepdad didn’t know how to be a stepdad and was verbally abusing towards me. Kicking me out of the house 3 times. With either me commiting suicide or going back to my country, I decided to to the later. There was one plot twist to that story, tho. I was having a D/s long distance relationship. With a married man. But hell, nobody wanted to be in a relationship with me and there he was proposing to be my Master. I was elated. We talked everyday and we met and worked together for like a yeat and a half. Until it hit me. He had a family. I preffered not to have anyybody than to break a family or love someone who was already taken.
That’s when another Master came to my life. And by that point I was used to “be used as a blowup doll”. He was the worst of the worst. Not as a Master, but as a person. He made me feel miserable, unworthy and on the top of that, he was very VERY promiscuous. I was in the proccess to leave him when his crazy ex sub came by with his baby. I never knew he had a baby. She threatened me. She looked like a psycho criminal. I left. After that, I was 25 and I said “you know what? people had been using me. Let’s play the game” I downloaded Tinder and had a couple of dates. That’s when my ex came to my life. Longstory short: we decided to move back to my mother’s country, be a couple and “start a family”. Well, never trust things that sound too good to be true. I felt “finally somebody LOVES me back, I worth something”. We lived a year with my parents (my stepdad was the best, he changed drastically), and then we moved alone. That is when my world broke down. He made me quit singing school and quit his job after me finding a good job; started to deal drugs. Frist mj, then coke, then ketamine, you name the drug; he did it and he sold it. He would be all day in the apartment smoking weed, dealing and playing videogames. Everytime I did something he didn’t like, he threatened to leave “you are no good to me” again. I pleaded with him, cooked, cleaned, worked my ass out. It wasn’t enought. Last year, one week after telling his mom via skype that we were to get married, he told me we “couldn’t live together anymore”. That he felt trapped. After that, he started bringing weird people to the appartment, yell at me, told me that he loved me one day and ignored me the next day. He used me for sex whenever he wanted to and then blamed me to have lured him to bed. He had a psychotic breakdown and started treating me like filth. He started flirting with women who wanted free ketamine, started to sleep 4 hours at day time and stopped taking his prescription medicines to do acid or another drug. He tried me to get into drugs, he isolated me from everyone and made himself the center of my world. One day, out of the blue, he told me we were finally done. Via facebook. We lived together. After that, I called his mom to put her in context and told her he needed to leave the apartment. He yelled at me and told me I ruined his life, so he went after the two people I care the most: my mom and my older brother. That set my feet on the ground and made me leave y adored apartment. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to disappear. I thought he would kill me. I’m still affraid of him. Now, this is me a year after, trying to make peace with my 3 years of verbal abuse and bad envionment. I have forgiven my friend. I have a good partner by my side who is affectionate and helps me cope. I have been through psychiatrists and I was diagnosed with clinical depression and panic attacks. I’m heavily medicated to go by my day without crying or wanting to take my life. I also am heavily medicated to sleep “moderately” good. This is my life of abuse. And now I know one thing: My family is always there for me, but I didn’t notice, because I felt neglected. My friends are there for me, but I was scared of being judged. FUCK OFF JUDGEMENT. IS MY LIFE. I’M WORTH IT. I OWN MYSELF.
THIS IS NOT THE END; THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. Life is too precious to end it by your hand. Look around you. Look at nature, look at your plants, at your dogs, at your loved ones. Isn’t it wonderful to be the one to have your life no matter what? You know, I still have suicidal thoughts, but, when you reached the bottom of the well, are you giving up, or are you a warrior and climb out? Last thing: it is ok to have bad days, but remember, our past is not what we are, and bad days pass. Find your streght, find your anchor. Fight. Be brave. Love yourself.
