[kuroch-rry]

NAVIGATION

(this post is under construction lol)

ME: ‘03. she/her.

Who I write for: mostly bgs! specifically en-, txt (upcoming). Also, I write some fics here and there for movie/tv show characters. really anyone I hyper-fixate on.

MASTERLIST

* most of my works are more angst/dark content. I don’t write smut (If I’m truly compelled, I might).

[kuroch-rry]

Moment of Peace (Or Lack Thereof)

Pairing: Shy!Vampire!Sunghoon x Werewofl!Reader

Summary: Sunghoon finds himself caught in a moment of weakness thinking you and him are home alone. Keeping your relationship private has been easy, but not until Niki stumbles upon it.

Warnings: none, really. One swear word. Fluff?? Niki being a lil snitch. Sunghoon’s peace being disturbed for the unseeable future.

WC: 0.973k

A/N: I’ve been trying to write a vampire x werewolf au, Romeo and Juliet type vibes between reader and Sunghoon, but i just had to write this scene out first. Not really connected, but same type of world! …but if i do write a fic about it, it would be ten times more angst. This is also written on zero hours of sleep.

***

“I thought you said she wasn’t allowed on the couch.” 

Sunghoon’s attention is ripped away from his book. His eyes land on Niki, who is standing near the bottom of the stairs. A playful grin on the younger’s face as he glances between your sleeping form and Sunghoon. 

Sunghoon removes the hand that was mindlessly petting your wolf form. He rests it on the back of the couch instead. He looks at the younger boy, an unexpected hint of embarrassment caught in his words, “It’s whatever…just go somewhere else.” 

Niki manages to suppress his laughter at the sight of him. He’s quick to realize that Sunghoon is indeed very embarrassed; like a kid getting caught in the act of doing something he shouldn’t. It’s the way Sunghoon is looking back at the pages of his book, blankly staring in one spot as if waiting for Niki to leave, that confirms it. 

Niki has never wanted to make fun of him this much in his life, but he decides not to. Growing into his maturity and all. One thing catches him off guard. He’s never seen Sunghoon this shy before. Niki expected him to yell at him to mind his own business, but instead he’s met with a silent Sunghoon. Niki wonders if it’s because you’re sleeping and he doesn’t want to wake you.

Huh… Sunghoon? Him and his love for scolding? He actually cares about not disturbing your sleep…

Niki feels like he’s missing something. Something very important. 

He begins to wonder if you are also the reason for Sunghoon’s shift in behavior the past months. God, he’s practically itching to ask and tease him about it. About you. 

Reluctantly, Niki just glances between the two of you, a furrow in his brow, before sauntering off towards another part of the house. 

Sunghoon watches him leave through his peripheral vision. He waits until he can no longer hear his footsteps before letting his body relax, tension visibly seeping off. The book falls to a gentle close; his thumb keeping his place. He leans his head back against the couch before peering down at you. Still asleep with your head resting on Sunghoon’s thigh. 

He himself feels surprised at his behavior. The weird way his jaw clenched when he heard Niki’s voice, or the heat that coursed throughout his body being seen like this. Going against his own words. Caught in a moment of vulnerability and giving in when you sat by his feet and looked at him expectantly just hours prior. He’s embarrassed. (Which is something he’s not used to).

He thought the guys were out of the house, doing their own things. That’s why he let you climb up without hesitation, because he’s done it numerous times before. The newfound side of him that allows himself to give in to you, get distracted by all of you, was something that he wanted private, not let the other guys know. They didn’t need to know. Not about how he’s no longer strict and cold towards you, or how one part of him wants to feel affectionate towards you without hiding it from the others. 

He groans, already irritated just thinking about how Niki is probably snitching on him right now. Sunghoon isn’t fond of his peace being disturbed. He has a gut feeling he won’t be finding a moment of peace anytime soon, at least not with just you and him. 

His hand slowly finds its way back to you, gently running down your side, his fingers playing with your relaxed ears at times. He’s just glad you didn’t wake up, that you didn’t see the hint of pink creeping up on his face, because he knows that if you did and shifted back to your human form…He’d be more irritated than ever seeing an amused smile on your pretty face. 

Sunghoon decides to pick up where he left off in his book and relish in the warmth on his thigh before his moment of peace is washed away by a storm. 

***

Niki did in fact snitch on him mere minutes after. 

“He was the one so against it! Fucking hypocrite!”, Jake peers into one of the windows, trying to see if it’s true, but ultimately just focuses back on the circle they’ve all formed. 

Sunghoon was almost right about one thing. Everyone was out of the house, besides Niki. After the younger vampire scurried off, he caught a glimpse of the others coming back from the main village. The gossip circle was quickly formed shortly after. 

Jake begins again, “Aren’t I right? He did tell us to not let her on the couch whenever she’s shifted.” 

Heeseung tilts his head slightly, “Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.”

“Huh?”

“He’s had this crush forming on her for months. You know how he is, he’d never be upfront about it. Definitely not in front of us.” 

“What?!”

“I totally knew it.”

“Dude, no you didn’t!”

The six of them quickly start to overlap in arguments. Not being aware of their volume. It’s not until a couple minutes pass and the sound of the side door being opened catches their attention. 

You, now in your human form, stand in the doorway wearing an oversized shirt. You give them a skeptical look, questioning what they’re up to despite the fact you heard everything. A blessing, and somewhat curse, of heightened hearing.

“You guys are being very loud out here.” 

“Oh- uh, sorry?”

You glance around at their bewildered expressions before smiling to yourself. Sorry to Sunghoon, but he’s about to be a very irritated man.

“And just to clear the air, Sunghoon and I have been dating for a month.” 

You hastily walk back into the house, escaping the scene of the crime, but the six of them are quick to follow with more overlapping remarks of shock. 

[kuroch-rry]

can someone help me find this jk fic? pretty sure it’s werewolf jk x human reader where reader always gives him water or something whenever he visits…I also think reader finds out he’s a werewolf cause he sleeps in readers bed and reader wakes up to find this dude naked 💀 anyways pls help me find it!!

[kuroch-rry]

if jungkook was actually Peter Parker/spiderman I would be mj/ Gwen no matter what!!!!! if I die then at least I knew spideykoo loves me 💀💔

[kuroch-rry]

I loved your Avatar oneshot!!! It WAS SO GOOD!!! Are you taking requests?

Yes! I am taking requests but since I am a perfectionist it might take a little bit to post :)

[kuroch-rry]

someone pls help me find this fic! It was Nct dream x reader (I think) and it was like post-apocalyptic (not sure it was a zombie au) but the reader ends up 💀 in the end lol

It’s been on my mind for days!!

[kuroch-rry]

Pretty please learn to use Read Mores on your fics </3 one of your fics crashed my app TWICE cause it kept getting recommended on my dash

sorry, but I don’t know what read mores is. what does it do?

[kuroch-rry]

 𝓶𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽  

Enhypen

𝖕. 𝖘𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖓

“I’m always trying to protect you”

- angst, fluff

“His side of the bed.”

- angst, exes

“Ready to Go”

- reader visits sunghoon in jail; angst and some fluff

“Moment of Peace (Or Lack Thereof)

- Shy!Vampire!Sunghoon x Werewolf!Reader

Multi Member

“The Summer of ‘89 Teaser”

- park sunghoon x reader, ?? x reader, Stephen King IT au, horror, gore, angst, more warnings to come

Five Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy)

“Afraid of Change” alt ending

- Cheating; angst

Neteyam (Avatar Films)

“This Is Love, Isn’t it?”

- yandere, dark

[kuroch-rry]

This is Love, Isn’t It? 

Pairing: Dark!Neteyam x fem!reader

W/C: 12.5k

Warnings: yandere, dark, name calling, character death, heavy manipulation, violence, making out, no use of y/n, a lot of arguments, almost sa but it doesn’t happen, light gore? idk, mentions of blood, reader is naive

Summary: Having such love and attraction thrown your way gave you no choice but to succumb to it. The desire to love him the way he loves you settling deep within, but there is a limit to how far love goes; a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Neteyam chose to cross it.

AN: sorry this took longer than I said :( pls be sure to read warnings!

***

Your family wasn’t as known in the clan as Toruk Makto’s, of course not. Growing up, your parents made it clear to you that the only thing you must do is work hard and keep your head down. You weren’t blessed with the other kid’s abilities to make friends and keep them for years. You stuck to yourself and focused on following your parent’s orders.

It was when you were fourteen you had a glimpse of friendship.

You woke up quite later than usual. The clan was bustling as normal and a cluster of young teens were already half way done with breakfast. You contemplated on getting something eat since today you and the cluster formed were going out to practice hunting. You needed energy, but there was little time left before you’d have to leave. You stood in front of your family’s hut, lost in thought, but a gentle hand on your shoulder brought you back. You immediately turned your head. Kiri.

You quickly greeted her with nothing but respect. She rolled her eyes. You were a bit taken aback but lightened when she had a smile on her face. “Please, you don’t need to do that. We’re all the same aren’t we?”

No, we most certainly are not.

Of course, she’s so humble. Everyone had the utmost respect for the Toruk Makto and his family. You never talked to any of the children let alone had one this close to you. You once had a thought cross your mind that the children of Jake Sully might have been too proud and arrogant, but you were proved wrong when the entire family showed nothing but kindness and respect back to everyone. Needless to say, fourteen year old you was a tad starstruck.

“Are you eating?” Kiri gestured to the display of food that was left. You crossed your arms over your chest.

“No, I have to go hunting soon. I don’t want to rush.”

Kiri tilted her head. “Well, will you sit with me while I eat?”

You glanced at her before looking away. Eywa, you have no friends. How are you supposed to not be awkward?

“I mean, no offense, but don’t you eat with your brothers?”

“I’ve had enough of them. Come on.” Kiri left her place besides you and sat a bit outside the group of other teens. You stood still, not sure what to do, but you remembered exactly who she was and hurriedly sat next to her. The two of you sat in silence. Uncomfortable silence on your end but Kiri didn’t seem to mind.

“You know, I’ve never done this before. I usually prefer to not interact with…anyone.”

You look at her in confusion and interest. You’ve had urges to do that as well. Walk up to other kids and make friends, but you never had the confidence. You carefully rotated the bracelet your mother made you around your wrist. A habit formed throughout the years.

“What made you come up to me?”

Kiri abandoned her food for a split second, “Don’t know. Just felt like it.”

Three years have passed since Kiri befriended you that day. Throughout the early days of your friendship you thought she’d be your only friend for the rest of time, but eventually you met the rest of the family properly and the other three siblings of hers took a liking to you as well. Especially, one in particular, but you thought of it has him being kind.

Besides Kiri, Neteyam would chat with you the most. He would ask you about your day, include you in conversations, was there to steady you whenever you stumbled, and always listened intently when you spoke. He was truly kind, a gentleman. Lo’ak, on the other hand, wasn’t as straightforwardly engaging as Neteyam. It bothered you slightly.

Having one friend was one thing, but having three more was hard at first. You remembered how awkward you felt when the Sully siblings took you out for their own little adventure all those years ago. Kiri had just turned fourteen and insisted you joined them. You, being a year older now and taller than her, looked ridiculous clinging to her side the entire time of walking into the forest. Her brothers were a ways ahead of you both, but Tuk stayed close. She was definitely the most excited when Kiri introduced you. She kept saying things like how nice it is to have another girl around. You almost ran out of their hut when Lo’ak agreed, a wave of butterflies swimming in you.

Before you even were acquaintances with them you’ve always taken a liking to Lo’ak. A silly childhood crush.

When you girls finally caught up to their brothers, you stopped walking. You’ve never been this deep into the forest before, too scared to wander in by yourself. They led you to a beautiful opening with a shallow lake and the natural beauty of Pandora surrounding you. You smiled when Tuk playfully ran around. You stopped your admiring and followed Kiri. Neteyam and Lo’ak were already lounging on the grass by the water. You sat in between Kiri and Lo’ak. It was a time spent peaceful. You and Kiri opted to look around and occasionally laugh when Tuk kept splashing water on her brothers and ran off before they could scold her.

The peace was interrupted when Kiri brought up Raziel. Another clan member who wasn’t very fond of you.

“Hey,” She nudged her shoulder with yours, “Will you finally tell me what happened yesterday with Raziel?”

You stared at her in surprise that she would bring it up, now and in front of her brothers. Out of your peripheral you saw Neteyam sit up from his previous position. Your tail began flicking out of nervousness and annoyance. Raziel was the epitome of douchebag. You sighed and leaned back on your hands. “It was nothing, really. Just kept messing me up during training. I couldn’t hit a single thing.”

“How?” You hadn’t noticed Tuk behind you, playing with your hair.

“He just kept grabbing my tail whenever I was about to shoot and calling me…”

“Calling you what?”

Neteyam’s sudden assertion made you shiver. You’ve never heard him like that unless he was defending his siblings. You mentally cursed yourself. You never wanted to tell the Sully’s what people have said to you, but at this point your sure they’ve heard it around. You stared at the rippling water.

“He and his friends just call me a leech…clinging onto you guys like a parasite.”

Kiri placed her hand on yours. “You’re not a leech. They’re just jealous because we truly like you and not them.”

You smiled at her, relieved she didn’t agree. Lo’ak spoke, “Kiri’s right. Fuck ‘em.”

“Language, Lo’ak.” Neteyam stared at his brother and shook his head before smiling at you and saying, “We like having you around.”

You felt warm and appreciated. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt like that. The atmosphere shifted after that, thankfully, and you watched as your friends messed around. Mainly Lo’ak, but you chuckled to yourself every time. Kiri, at one point, even got up and played with him. Time had passed and Eclipse was around the corner. You wondered when you all would head back, but that thought died when another presence took Kiri’s spot. You turned to look and found Neteyam staring ahead.

“I’m attending tomorrow’s training. If you need extra practice I’ll be happy to help,” he tilted his head. A shy look on his face as he waited for your response.

You’ve always known Neteyam to be helpful. Charming as well. Everyone in their family had a certain charm to them. You wished to stop the heat rising throughout your face. You could barely look him in the eye as you replied. “That would be nice, thank you, Neteyam.”

“Of course.”

Not a minute later he got up and called everyone to get back home before Eclipse. You only followed when you knew he was further ahead. You ignored Kiri as she teased you for a hint of pink dusting your face.

The next day at training Raziel and his friends didn’t speak a word to you. They weren’t even remotely close to you at all. Not when Neteyam was always at a five feet distance from wherever you stood. That didn’t stop their glares and incessant whispering. It made you even more insecure. Whenever you would catch their burning stares you wished Neteyam would just walk away and watch the others, but he stood behind you and kept giving you pointers that you had no choice but to execute. When the head of the group ended the session you let out a breath of relief and went to pack your bow and arrows.

A grasp on your elbow stopped you.

“Not yet, your form needs a little work.”

You glanced between Neteyam and the retreating group. He seemed to notice your concern and gently went to fix it. “It’s fine. I asked if we could practice more earlier. You won’t get in trouble.”

You nodded and picked back up your bow and got into position. His hands were on you too fast for you to prepare yourself.

“Here, aim higher,” one hand was on your waist and the other on your arm, “and make sure to keep your elbow back here straight and high.”

He moved his hand to your lower abdomen. “Take a deep breath.”

You followed his instruction, “Hold it there when your body straightens. Feel the difference?”

With his hands still on you, it took you a moment to focus. Eywa, you’ve never had a boy touch you like this. Neteyam checked your stance before taking in your side profile. You seemed determined but he saw your tail moving back and forth waiting for his word. He smiled to himself before leaning closer towards your face. “Go, shoot.”

The arrow released and flew through the air hitting the target dead center. Your smile widened and you look up at him. “Wow, I’ve never shot like that before!”

He smirked and placed his hand on your back, “Just needed a little help from me.”

You raised an eyebrow in a teasing manner at his cockiness. He laughed before his hands were moving you back into position.

“Again.”

That day of Neteyam helping you and the months after that flew by. Your sixteenth birthday was days away and that meant the moment of fighting your future Ikran was approaching. Neteyam kept staying after training sessions with you until you no longer needed it. Even the adult in charge of training said you were on your way to becoming a great hunter. You were still surprised to get this far with Neteyam’s roaming hands on you throughout each practice. You chalked it up to that he’s just a tactile person. Even when the both of you are heading back home he kept his hand on your lower back before you eventually parted ways. His lingering touches and presence around you became more frequent once the two of you spent more time together.

One evening you brought it up to Kiri.

“Is Neteyam a touchy kind of guy?”

“What?”

“I mean that he’s always touching me when I’m around.”

Kiri looked at you like she knew something you didn’t. She rested her chin on her knee. “He only comes in contact with us when we’re annoying him, especially Lo’ak, with a flick to the forehead but nothing else.”

Your confusion about his behavior towards you grew. Kiri caught your questioning state and sighed out your name.

“He likes you.”

“Well, we’re friends. Don’t you like your friends?”

Kiri gave you a deadpanned expression. “It’s so cute and frustrating how oblivious you are.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He likes you in a way that…he might want you to be his mate one day.”

You’ve never felt so embarrassed before. You still had a lingering attraction towards Lo’ak but he’s never kept his hands on you like Neteyam has. You let out a mortified noise, a hand brushing over your face.

“Kiri! Has he told you he likes me like that?”

She huffed, “Not outright, but if he’s not near you he stares you down. I’ve called him creepy so many times but he tells me to shut it,” Kiri smirked, “He’s been like that for almost a year…can’t believe you haven’t caught on.”

You shut your mouth from when it fell open in shock. Have I really been so oblivious? The rest of the time spent with Kiri went back to mindless chatter but as you walked home all you could ponder about was the fact that Neteyam, the next Olo’eyktan, liked you.

You tried your hardest throughout the days that passed between the revelation from Kiri and choosing your Ikran to stick by yourself. Not only were you incredibly anxious about trying not to die to an Ikran but became hyper aware whenever Neteyam was nearby and sneaking away before he could see you. You still had to fully process that his liking towards you was more than platonic and that you could be a potential mate, which is hard to do when you’re beginning your rites of passage and had no clue he was into you.

The three days that passed were dreadful. You woke up early to have something to eat and hid in your family’s hut until you had to go hunting. Normally, you tagged along with Neteyam and Lo’ak but you’ve only been going out with your parents. They were surprised at first, seeing as you haven’t gone hunting with them for two years. You just said you missed spending time with them. Which was true since all your time was spent with the Sully kids. After hunting, you made sure to follow your parents closely back home and wouldn’t leave the hut until the next day.

The night before choosing your Ikran you were eating dinner with your parents before there was a figure standing at the entrance.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Neteyam stood with his riding visor still equipped. He must have just gotten back, “Can I talk to your daughter for a moment?”

He kept his eyes trained onto your parents who gave him their respects before gesturing for you to go. You looked between them and Neteyam before reluctantly getting up and following him. You stopped when he chose a reclusive spot away from any wandering listeners, making sure there was a couple feet distance from him and you. Neteyam gave you a once over, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, why?”

“Well, you haven’t seen any of us lately. Even Kiri doesn’t know what’s wrong.”

You rotate the bracelet on your wrist twice, “Nothing is wrong, Neteyam.”

His eyes narrowed like he was trying to catch your lie. “If nothing’s wrong why don’t you spend time with us. Tuk misses you too.”

You gave yourself some time to come up with a response. Neteyam doesn’t think you’ll say no to hang with them now, so he reaches out for your wrist and begins tugging you with him. You quickly stopped him by gently grabbing his arm with your free hand. “Sorry, Neteyam , but tomorrow’s a big day for me…I just want to sleep early.”

He glanced at your hand on his arm before meeting your eyes. “It can be short. You can just say hi.”

You firmly stand in place before he can tug you with him again.

“Really, I’m tired.”

He looked at your face. You seemed irritated…maybe even uncomfortable. He hardened his stare before letting you go. “Right…go rest.”

You assumed he would head back home but he sighed and got close to you, like how he did when he helped you practice. He looked down at you before putting his hand on your shoulder, “You’ll do great tomorrow.”

He gave you a comforting smile which you returned. You definitely needed to hear some words of encouragement. “Thank you, Neteyam. Goodnight.”

You turned and disappeared back into your hut before sparing him one last glance. When you’ve gone the smile on his face dropped. He stayed there for a minute, watching the hut, before stalking off. Neteyam thought Kiri cleared the air and you would be quick to return his attraction. He wasn’t worried you would reject him. That wouldn’t happen. He just didn’t like how you’ve been ignoring them. Him. The look on your face when he held you…so tense and apprehensive. He despised it and he didn’t want it to happen again.

You woke up the next morning restless and ready to get it done with. When the time came for the small group of others your age to head to the top of the mountain, you were first in line. You glanced around the group and the family of Toruk Makto were standing ahead of the crowd of adults seeing you guys off. Sometimes older members of the clan liked to attend and watch the younger generations fight their Ikran, but you hoped not many would come. You locked eyes with Kiri. You felt immensely guilty for evading her as well, but the gentle smile she gave relaxed you. You sent her a small wave. Lo’ak even gave you a thumbs up. You turned away and bit back a growing smile. When the group left you were relieved none of the Sully’s were accompanying. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself and have them, especially Lo’ak, bear witness.

Half the day had already passed and you had time to catch your breathe while some other teens went first. You winced at the never ending screeches the Ikran’s gave and the piling droplets of blood shed as they attacked your group mates. You were one of the last to step forward. You looked back at another boy who seemed even more nervous than you. At least there were less watching eyes since almost everyone was taking their first flight.

The time for your first flight had come in a flash. A few Ikran disregarded you or either flew away, but when a deep blue Ikran with specks of varying blue colors screeched and attacked, you let the moment take over you.

Now, here you were, bonded for life, and soaring through the sky. You never felt such immense happiness in your life. Even if she gave you hell to feel it. You forgot the numerous gashes across your body as you took in Pandora. Ora, is what you called her. Her blueness reminded you of the clearing in the forest and the shallow water. You’ve heard the story of Neytiri and Seze. Now that you understand and feel the deep connection coursing through you, you pray to Eywa you will never have to experience the heart ache of losing your Ikran.

After the first flight, you landed on one of the clearings near home and the huts. Dismounting Ora and releasing your queue, you heard Tuk.

“You’re back!”

The joy displayed on your face increased as Tuk hugged you. The rest of the siblings falling in behind her. Kiri watched with bright eyes as you ran your hand across Ora.

“Wow, she’s beautiful!” Kiri said, full of wonder.

You nuzzled your cheek against the side of Ora’s head before she took off to rest. You all watched her go before Kiri grabbed your hand.

“How did it go?” She pulled you in for a hug of her own and wanted to bombard you with questions. Her time to start her rites of passage was coming soon. You stepped back and grabbed her hands, “It was amazing. I’ve never felt so happy in my life, Kiri.”

She went to embrace you once more, but Neteyam pulled her back. “Stop, Kiri. Can’t you see she’s injured?”

Neteyam let go of her once he could examine you. He turned you around before taking your hand. “She needs some of Mo’at’s salve for her cuts.”

His hand found a place on your lower back. You looked over your shoulder at Kiri before Neteyam continued to urge you forward. Kiri raised her eyebrows in annoyance but understanding. Her brother’s pining was getting on her nerves. “Come on, Tuk. Let’s go.”

Neteyam left you in his family’s hut while he went to get the salve. Lo’ak took a seat next to you.

“Does it hurt?”

You averted your eyes from the fresh cuts to him. “Not really. I don’t really care anyways.”

Lo’ak scooted closer, he threw an arm over his propped up knee. “I can’t wait until Kiri and I go up the mountain. You know,” He laughed to himself and you grew curious, “When Neteyam came back he was such a baby. Crying over the littlest of scratches.”

Lo’ak grabbed your arm closest to him, “Tinier than yours. He was throwing a fit when grandmother healed him.”

The thought of Neteyam acting as such caused you to laugh along with Lo’ak. The two of you didn’t notice he came back, hands full. The laughter died down when Lo’ak’s hand was being taken off you and Neteyam began spreading the medicine over your cuts.

“It’s okay, I can do it.” You went to take the bowl of salve but Neteyam moved it out of reach.

“I want to help.”

You turned to his brother but he just shrugged his shoulders slightly. That heat from before resurfacing. You watched Neteyam work on healing you gently. This touch of his making your heart beat in a way you never knew. After growing close with Neteyam you weren’t comfortable with his hands on you at first, but the conversation you had with Kiri crossed your mind. He does it because he likes you? You never had experience with boys. Your crush on Lo’ak was the first time you found that tight ache in your chest whenever you looked at him, the first time you ever desired to kiss someone.

You glanced away from Neteyam working to his brother. He’s distracted, folding a leaf into something Eywa know’s what. Lo’ak’s never been touchy with you, he’s never as attentive towards you as Neteyam. He doesn’t like you. You felt sullen at the thought.

Neteyam catched you eyeing his brother. He put the bowl down, a little bit too heavily, “Lo’ak, go find Kiri and Tuk.”

“What? They’re fine-”

“Lo’ak.”

Said brother shook his head and pushed himself off the ground, slinking off in annoyance. The coolness of Neteyam’s hands were back again. This time you brought yourself to stare at his face. He’s so focused but you can tell he’s thinking hard. There’s a quaint frown he’s got adorned. You let him be since you know he’s almost done. He went around you, searching for anything he missed. He hummed in satisfaction. You reached for his arm before he could start to bring the supplies back to Mo’at.

“Thank you, Neteyam.” You gave his arm a squeeze accompanied by a timid smile. He beamed back down at you. He turned his head around towards the hut’s opening and squatted back down to bring his mouth near your ear.

“Meet me after eclipse. I have something important to tell you.”

He left you there to contemplate.

Once the evening sky faded to nothing but black you silently got up from your lying position and peeked your head out. It was a known fact that no one was supposed to go out during eclipse, but Neteyam didn’t give you a chance to question him. You could get caught and suffer consequences dealt by your parents. You almost turned around and went back to sleep, but Neteyam’s deep voice, whispering in your ear, was too intriguing to abandon.

You kept throwing fearful glances as you hastily left the sleeping clan. He didn’t tell you where to meet, but there was a spot all the mischievous teens snuck out to on nights like this. You felt a pang of guilt when you spotted Neteyam leaning against the side of the mountain. He casually said your name. He sauntered over and you met him in the middle.

“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”

“It’s not a problem. You showed up.” He gestured with his head to follow. He sat with his legs falling over the ledge. You waited for Neteyam to speak. It must be something troubling him, you guess, since his tail was moving swiftly. Never have you had a conversation with him like this, just you and him, out past curfew. You didn’t want to seem like you were rushing him, so you waited until he was ready to talk. He stared ahead, towards the star filled sky.

“Are you attracted to my brother?”

Taken aback, your eyes widened. This was certainly not what you had in mind to come out of his mouth. You immediately said, “Did Kiri tell you?”

“So it’s true?”

“I’m not sure anymore.”

You really weren’t. Months ago, you asked your mom how she knew your father was the one she wanted to mate with. She told you stories from her past; how she was infatuated with another clan member but your father made her feel special. He left her gifts and spoke words of adoration before she decided to give him a chance. You’ve been thinking about how different Lo’ak is from Neteyam. If Lo’ak had an inclination of returning your feelings, maybe he would have been the one to help you practice, ask you to spend time with his family, take care of your scrapes and bruises. You turn to face Neteyam. Your tail beginning to move with curiosity.

“Why are you asking me?”

“I needed to know if you thought of him that way,” he side eyed your face. His expression changed to something you didn’t have time to decipher. He used his hands to assist in scooting back to turn his body completely in your direction.

“Neteyam, I’m not sure what-”

“I like you…and I can’t spend another day keeping these emotions to myself.”

You watched him take your hand. His thumb grazed over your knuckles. Not knowing what to say, you looked at him. He took this as his moment to continue.

“A few months after I met you, I just felt so captivated. You like to keep to yourself but when you finally let go and be apart of the moment you glow. I see it when you talk to Kiri. I saw it when you came back with Ora. Especially right now, even though we all emit light after eclipse, you are the only one I see. Glowing so bright…so beautiful.”

Neteyam moved your hand so it was resting on his chest. You could faintly feel his heart beating.

“I found myself desiring to see you like that at all times. I wish to become a reason for it as well.”

Speechless, you suddenly want to look anywhere but him. You don’t know what to do with words full of affection and intimacy being spoken to you. It felt warm. You felt seen. You kept your gaze leveled with his own. Neteyam still had his hand on top of yours that rested on his chest, so he lifted his other to move your hair. He then tenderly held a side of your face.

“I want to be with you.”

You couldn’t move away, not when his confession sent you into a daze. Being wanted romantically…you couldn’t believe the newfound emotions that coursed through you. You wanted to cry and the gathering of tears stinging your eyes didn’t help.

“Neteyam,” you let your fingers spread against his chest, wanting to feel his skin, desiring to see him the way he sees you. A sudden flash of insecurity hit. You pulled back, hesitantly removing your hand from him.

“I’ve never been with someone before.”

He smiled despite the loss of contact, “I know, but,” Neteyam inched closer. His knee hitting yours.

“Do you trust me?”

One thing you knew was that you did trust him; you trusted all of the Sully’s. Being here, with him choosing you to be vulnerable with, letting his true feelings for you shine, gave you a sense of something dreamlike. The way the warmth of his body spread and his eyes pulling you in…felt so tantalizing. Like he was luring you and you didn’t mind. You thought to yourself, were his eyes always this beautiful? You moved your gaze slowly across his face, taking in all the little details that escaped you before. Overwhelmed by his being and the entire weight of his confession, made you nod you head. Yes, I trust you.

That was all he needed so he grasped your face with both hands and brought your lips to his. This time you didn’t pull away. You let him guide you, letting the moment take the two of you completely. Unsure what to do you, you tried your best to keep up. He parted your lips with a swipe of his tongue. A few more shared kisses before he leaned away, only to bring the two of your to your knees so he could slowly rake his hands down your back and pull your body pressed up against his.

The heat of the moment grew. Two sets of eyes searching, waiting for what came next. A smile of pure joy graced his face making you display one as well. He wasted not another second before he dove back in to have you. You had to take little breaths of air in between the small amounts of time he allowed you. If you had known how good it feels to kiss someone then you would have been doing this earlier in your life. If you had known of Neteyam’s feelings then you could have been kissing him like this, like nothing could matter more in the world than his lips wanting yours, much sooner.

Neteyam let out a stifled growl. He needed more. His hands grasped the back of your thighs as he lowered himself to sit on his heels. He used the back of your thighs to raise you onto his lap. Neteyam smirked at the gasp that escaped you. It drove him to grab the back of your head, deepening the kiss. His lips begun increasing in movement. You finally withdrew when his other hand, the one that wasn’t cradling your head, kept inching lower and lower.

“Neteyam…I think we should stop now.” Your voice soft but strained.

He furrowed his brows, “Why?”

“It’s just a little too fast for me. I’m sorry.” He looked at you briefly, looking for a hint of deceit, but he remembered this is new to you.

“No, don’t apologize. You’re right. We can take things slow, for now.”

You removed yourself from his lap. “We should get back.”

He was quick to follow you. On the walk back to the clan you had an urge to hold his hand, so you did. Stepping feet away from your sleeping parents, Neteyam took a quick kiss. Before you departed he asked, “We’re together now, right? I can be with you like this forever?”

Still reeling from his touches and kisses, you had no other thought but yes. You nodded your head at him and basked in the tight embrace he gave you.

For the remainder of the night, sleep didn’t come for a while as you laid replaying the previous events. You never knew your heartbeat could be so fast. All because of him. Despite you not being on the same level of affection as him, you thought he deserved a chance to have his feelings reciprocated. You’re willingly to be with him and dreaming to see where it leads you.

While you couldn’t stop thinking of what happened, Neteyam couldn’t stop thinking about how he was the first to kiss you. The thought of him being the only person who will get to kiss and have you drove him wild. Nothing mattered more to him than making sure you were only his to touch, kiss, and mate.

Once you he was sure your love was as strong as his, he would make sure you and him stayed together even after Eywa decides it’s time. Nothing will come between Neteyam and what he desires. Not a single thing.

***

That fateful night seemed like an eternity ago. You and Neteyam had been together for over a year now, reaching two. The beginning was slow like how you wanted. Nobody knew of your secret relationship. The nights ended with delicate kisses and warm embraces. Kiri had a hunch. Even though you kept your part hidden, Neteyam didn’t shy away from having some form of touching and lingering around in your presence. His sudden outbursts at any comment Raziel threw at you grew each time. Not only did Kiri suspect, but almost everyone did. When things had become too hard to cover, you fessed up. The Sully family wasn’t surprised. Tuk hugged you for quite a while before Neteyam started to complain about it. Your parents were the only ones slightly shocked but were happy and prideful nonetheless. Especially since it was the son of Toruk Makto. As your relationship with Neteyam grew, so did the heavy weight of everyone’s expectations.

You soon realized the dream of becoming a mighty warrior might not come true. Your parents encouraged you to spend most of your time practicing the ways of Tsahik and so did Neteyam. He was exceptionally insistent you stayed home, with his grandmother, away from the dangers lurking throughout Pandora. After one heated argument with Neteyam over it, you reluctantly agreed. It wouldn’t be so bad to try at least. The past six months have consisted of seeing Neteyam off before he went out with his father to patrol, helping Mo’at grind herbs, staying in Neteyam’s arms when he came home for the rest of the day, and repeat it again.

You longed to see and mount Ora. It’s been weeks since you called for her. The handful of times that you did get to see her, Neteyam was there. You felt a tad guilty for wishing to spend time with your Ikran alone. You weren’t sure how to bring this up with him but you can’t stay holed up all day forever.

Neteyam has always been protective of his siblings, but over the course of your relationship he implemented it with you. You found it cute when he would wrap an arm around your wrist during gatherings for the whole time. He even made you a necklace, one that has matching beads as his.

“Never take this off, okay? If I ever see you without it, it would kill me. You wouldn’t want me to feel that way, would you?”

It was endearing, at first, how he had to beg you to tears to gradually not go hunting or exploring with his siblings without staying by his side. How he would cling onto you no matter what, kissing you all over and saying words of adoration.

But recently, the dynamic between you and him changed drastically. You could tell it was bothering him deeply, but you’ve been so torn up over what happened a week ago.

After dinner one night, you and the Sully kids circled up. You guys often went to a vacant space near the huts to spend time, talking and having fun, to have some sense of relaxation before adulthood crept up on you.

Kiri and Lo’ak seemed to be arguing over a topic that was probably not worth getting heated for, but you got amused watching them. Neteyam pulled you closer, if that was even possible, to give you a peck on the cheek. Which then lead him to tilt your face so he could indulge in deeper kisses to your lips. You never liked it when Neteyam was handsy or displayed this much affection in front of his siblings, especially Tuk. Before you could stop him from going further, an object thrown your way stopped him for you.

“If I knew how gross you two would be, I would have never introduced you! I don’t even want to imagine you two mated.” Kiri pretended to gag then fell into a teasing smile.

You honestly found it funny and so did Tuk and Lo’ak. Neteyam, on the other hand, hissed at her.

“You always find a way to be a little brat.”

You watched as Kiri’s smile fell, hurt replacing any sign of just messing around. You turned your head in shock.

“Neteyam! She didn’t mean it like that.”

“I don’t care. She’s always commenting on our relationship. I’m fucking tired of it.”

His fingers pressed into your side, his annoyance getting the best of him. There’s a scowl on his face towards his sister. It’s quite rattling seeing him snap at her when he’s never done that.

“Dude, chill. It’s not serious.”

Lo’ak glanced between in siblings then to the ground in thought before saying, “Honestly, you’ve been so weird lately. Like we get it, you two love each other, but nobody wants to be around us anymore.”

Your ears twitched. His statement making you confused. You did seem to notice a couple of other young clan members leaving whenever you were around, but you didn’t know why. They never were friends of yours, yet it still left a negative impact in your head. Did you upset them? The atmosphere shifted when Neteyam said his brothers name in warning. His strict voice made you shiver but you pressed further anyways.

“Lo’ak, what do you mean?”

His head lowered and his eyes went between you and Neteyam. The inner conflict he had was apparent. He shook his head, “I overheard some guys, Raziel and his friends. They were saying something about Neteyam…that he threatened them.”

“Is this true? Why would you do that?”

Neteyam scoffed, “You believe that shit? I didn’t threaten anyone. They’re just jealous of us, trying to take you from me.”

You squinted at him. It made no sense to you why they would want to separate the two of you. For over a year, nobody has made an intention like that known. Lo’ak, visibly irritated, kept his jaw tight. Kiri got up and took Tuk with her. She had a feeling things were getting ugly and frankly she was upset. Lo’ak couldn’t keep his anger down anymore, especially after a blatant lie.

“Bro, seriously? You told them you’d skin them alive if they even talked to her! You’re acting crazy!”

Before you could question Neteyam, he spoke, “I’m not fucking crazy! You don’t know what being in love is like! I’m just protecting her…I don’t care about what I said, I would do it if those lowlife bastards even breathed near her.”

Detaching yourself from him, you stared in fear at his words and the sinister voice that accompanied them.

“Neteyam!” You couldn’t grasp that he could even think about harming another person because of you. It made your stomach churn.

“Do you even hear yourself? Protecting her doesn’t mean you can act all psycho and beat someone up! People are scared of you, bro! It’s making them not want to be around us either…you need to chill.”

Lo’ak huffed after voicing out his anger. Lo’ak couldn’t stand to see his siblings being evaded over something that doesn’t include them, or seeing the fallen expression on Tuk when kids would ignore her. He couldn’t stand seeing his brother act like a stranger. Neteyam used to be so kind and good but now that he’s resorted to violence instead of his past level-headedness, Lo’ak doesn’t know what to think anymore. This isn’t the older brother he looked up to.

Lo’ak doesn’t blame you. He actually feels bad that you can’t see what Neteyam has become. Lo’ak has picked up on some weird behaviors his brother has displayed. It made him wonder how he could treat you like that since he’s never seen his parents act in such ways. Ways like how controlling Neteyam is over you; telling you what not to do, who to talk to, or keeping tabs on every little thing you do. Lo’ak didn’t know how to help. He couldn’t outwardly tell you that it’s wrong and not what a healthy relationship consisted of. He just didn’t want to see the both of you like this anymore, a side of his brother that irked him and you so head over heels that you didn’t notice.

Before he can think about it, Lo’ak said, “Honestly, you two should spend some time apart.”

It was a suggestion meant to be caring, to be helpful. You had no time to even process Lo’ak’s sentence. Neteyam left your side, moved so quickly that he pushed you with the action.

You gasped in shock as Lo’ak had been tackled to the ground. Neteyam hovering over him, his knees on each side of his brother locking him in place. His fists making contact repeatedly. You cried hearing Lo’ak’s weak pleas for him to stop. You too begin to plead for Neteyam to get off of him and you tried to grab his arm; unsuccessfully pulling him away.

You felt stunned when you took in the hatred on Neteyam’s face. You’re not sure when you heard their father shout and forcefully shoved his eldest son off his youngest. Lo’ak laid on the ground, coughing up blood, before falling unconscious. Jake could only look at Neteyam in horror before picking up his son. The sight of Lo’ak’s face bloody and unrecognizable made you kneel over and throw up.

When you’ve emptied your stomach, there’s a hand that soothingly rubbed your back. You immediately jerked away to stand, giving distance from Neteyam. You looked at his unscathed body and felt disgusted.

“What the hell is wrong with you? How could you do that to him?” You brought your hands up to your eyes, pressing your palms into them, as if it would help erase what you just saw. You let out a sob.

“Stop crying! You heard what he said! He wants you all to himself.”

You uncovered your eyes in disbelief. What was he talking about? Lo’ak was simply concerned.

“He didn’t say that, Neteyam! He doesn’t want me!” This outburst of his flipped a switch in your mind. Did he truly believe everyone was out to ruin your relationship? That his own brother would too? The longer you looked at him…you couldn’t deny a growing doubt. This isn’t the man you grew to love, at least you thought this wasn’t him. Were you really the cause of him saying awful and doing terrible things?

“Maybe he’s right. We should take a break.”

Neteyam’s sudden grabbing of your wrist caused you to stumble. His eyes squinted and held intense anger. His hand tightened around your skin, it made you wince.

“Don’t say something you don’t mean. We’re not taking a break.”

Despite the large amount of fear, you begun to get frustrated. You pried his hand off you, “I meant it, Neteyam. You scared me and I don’t want to be around you right now.”

You took steps backwards; wishing to be in your hut, alone.

“I’m sorry that I scared you, okay? But you’re hurting me, so much. You can’t leave…don’t you see how much love I have for you?”

Neteyam slowly trailed after you. He no longer looked upset but rather dejected. You swallowed a lump in your throat. The swift change in his demeanor made you cautious instead of guilty.

“I understand how much you love me, and I love you too, but I’m serious.”

You fully turned now, heading home. Your arms were over your chest and your head down.

“Get back here! We’re not done!”

Neteyam’s shout pushed you to quicken the pace. Nearing your hut, you looked over your shoulder. Neteyam walked after you was paused when his father stormed up to him, his hand firmly planted on his son’s chest. You saw Jake furiously say something, but Neteyam’s eyes were locked on your retreating figure.

You cried into your mother’s arms before falling asleep that night.

***

The day after, it was quite easy to avoid Neteyam since he was occupied with his duties, but it became increasingly difficult once he was free. You sat in silence across from Mo’at, who was equally as disappointed after hearing the events from the previous night.

When Mo’at was satisfied with your work she relieved you for the day. You thanked her and got up to leave. Neteyam was lingering around his grandmother’s hut ever since he got back, his face lit up when he saw you. Still mad at him, you ignored his presence and headed out of the caves to call for Ora. You desperately wanted a flight to de-stress. Seconds before you made your calling signal, Neteyam said your name.

“Please, can we talk?”

He stood close behind you. His posture tense. You tilted your head at him, “We’re on a break remember?”

Your words had come out harsher than you intended. You shifted your weight as you saw Neteyam tighten his hands, the healing wounds on his knuckles a reminder of what he did. Neteyam took a deep breath, his body swaying slightly as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I just need to speak with you…please.”

His voice sounded anguished. Your chest tightened, conflicted you spoke, “Neteyam…I don’t know if I want to hear what you have to say right now.”

The silence that followed felt awkward. He came toward you, a scowl on his face, but stopped when you receded. He scoffed, raising his head slightly upward, breathing heavily through his nose.

“Don’t do that, move away from me like I’m scaring you.”  

“Well,” you opted out from saying that he was making you frightened, you said, “I just want to be alone. Spend time with Ora, okay? We can talk later-”

“No,” he cut you off, “I need you to listen to me…I apologized to Lo’ak and I’m suffering the consequences, alright?”

Neteyam reached for your hands, holding them softly. “Everything’s okay now, I swear…even if he did deserve it, I promise you won’t see me like that again.”

You stared at him incredulously. How can he say Lo’ak deserved it? And act like it was just something to sweep under the rug?

“It’s not okay, Neteyam! Let go.” You tried pulling out from his grip and you thought you were successful. You took a step back as he fell to his knees, his hands dug into your skin.

“Please…please- don’t do this to me. Don’t be mad at me.” He stared up at you, eyes glossed over.

“Forgive me…”

Eywa, why did he make this so hard for you? Yes, his recent behavior angered and worried you, but you were never good at saying no. Your developed feelings for him were still present, all the good ways he’s made you feel hard to just forget. You felt a surge of guilt seeing him vulnerable. It would break his heart if you up and left him here without as much as a goodbye. You couldn’t bring yourself to do that, so you searched his eyes and gestured for him to get up.

His touch never left as he stood.

“Just give me time to think.”

You took his hands off of you and turned to call Ora. Neteyam protested, saying that you can’t leave him yet, but finally gave up as you hastily mounted your Ikran and took off. He watched from the mountain until you were a mere spot in the sky. A ball of rage grew inside of him at the sight of your Ikran taking you further away. He didn’t like that you could just fly off when he’s trying to have a conversation with you. It wasn’t right.

During your time with Ora, you spent most of it confessing your worries to her. The amount of mixed emotions taking over made you feel bad that Ora had to experience them as well. The decision made when you returned home didn’t come easy. You wanted to know why the beginning of your relationship seemed like an entirely different one than now. Neteyam used to make you flustered with his gentle touches, endless kisses, and private words that felt euphoric. Yes, you knew he has been protective since the beginning, but you used to smooth it over. Thinking that he acted like that over you because it was both your first real relationship. You thought it was cute. You begun to think back on every detail you must have dismissed before.

It conflicted you until you pondered about when he seemed to change. Back towards the fresh months of being together, Neteyam was nothing but the perfect gentleman, someone who you could see as your future. But when you remembered the very first instance of how he lashed out, the change must have started then.

You were too consumed with completing the task of gathering herbs to see a shadow come up behind you. After you left your bent position, Raziel made his presence known. He was so close to your body that when you saw him you stepped back in surprise. You glanced around the area and saw no one else.

“Raziel, what are you doing here?”

He towered over, his glare was piercing, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?”

Raziel looked down at you with disgust that slowly morphed into something corrupt, “I want to see what’s so special about you.”

“I used to think that you were a little prude…had nothing to offer.”

His eyes continued to roam over your body, “But if the oh so great Neteyam chose you, then there must be something.”

His hand reached out and his fingers played with the bottom of the piece that covered your chest. You shoved his hand away, repulsed by his action.

“Don’t touch me.”

“No, I think I will.”

He went to grab your arm but it was short lived as he was pushed to the side. Neteyam was breathing heavily as he stood beside you. He wasted no time shoving him harder, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

This anger radiating off of him was something you have never witnessed before. You moved out of the way and stood behind. Raziel raised his hands in defense, he was never one to actually engage. He always let his friends take the punches for him with whatever fight he started. A pathetic person entirely.

“Nothing, man.”

As Raziel went to leave, Neteyam stared him down. You could tell he was riled up, his biceps flexed as if he was ready to throw a punch. You calmly placed a hand on his chest that brought him back. Neteyam softened his expression a tad seeing you concerned for him.

“It’s okay, love. He’s gone,” you rubbed his arm in a calming manner.

“What did he want? What was he doing to you?”

Still feeling uneasy and disgusted, you evaded his questions.

“Let’s talk about it later. Can we go home?”

Neteyam wanted to know that second but he what he wanted much more was to hold you. He did just that. You accepted the embrace, holding him tightly, and held hands on the way back home.

You didn’t find anything wrong with Neteyam defending you that day. You still don’t because if Neteyam hadn’t stepped in the events that could have transpired would haunt you at night. Maybe after that day the both of you had changed. The days had begun to bleed together when everything started to be the same. He had you with him from morning to night when didn’t have to fulfill his duties, he was twice as affectionate if that was even possible to begin with, and even if you were with your parents or Kiri you could feel him watching.

But you always saw Neteyam as your safety net, he was your protector. You begun to do whatever you could to please him. Ignoring the red flags that were visible to everyone else in the process. To you, Neteyam did no wrong, but who could blame you? You had fallen deep into his world, his eyes, his voice, his love.

That was true love wasn’t it? You give your entirety to him and he gives himself to you. Two people belonging to each other, breathing for one another.

On your ride with Ora, there was no denying how far gone you were. You have become to dependent on him and vice versa. Some time apart would be best, but you don’t think either of you would last. The idea of you being the one to hurt him, his heart, was something you couldn’t fathom. But when you get back you would have to come to an agreement with him. No more threats and violence.

Honestly, there were plenty of things still bothering you. If he was so enamored with anger why didn’t he come to you? Talk to you about it? Why didn’t Lo’ak tell you about his hidden concerns and feelings? You thought to yourself that you would have been understanding, but another thought popped up. Would you have been? Or would you have thought Lo’ak was crazy? That Neteyam was not capable of such things. You must have missed the warning signs. You thought a person couldn’t just act in ways Lo’ak described without it being built up inside.

You frowned to yourself. Was there another side of Neteyam that you couldn’t see? It stung your heart to think of him that way, but the idea formed never left your mind.

When you descended from the sky, Neteyam was there waiting. You must have been gone for hours. He continued to wait as you busied yourself with Ora before sending her off. You looked back to the sky and saw Eclipse was nearing. You still didn’t know what to say. You knew that you didn’t want to leave him, but how were you going to tell him something that could possibly upset him. You didn’t want to do that either.

Neteyam stood before you, his voice deep, “You’ll still be with me, right? You’ve been gone for so long.”

“Yes, I had to think about everything. Us.”

“Was it ever that serious though? To have to rethink us…me?”

His previous sullenness was wiped away, something unreadable taking place. You showed a displeased expression.

“I take your hostile words and actions very seriously, Neteyam. I don’t want you to feel that way on my behalf anymore. I just want you to talk to me when you feel angry. You should have come to me with what has been bothering you, not taking it out on others and making more people hurt and upset.”

Neteyam felt a flicker of irritation. He pursed his lips together as if he ate something distasteful.

“That’s hard to do when everyone in this fucking clan is out to destroy us! Tear you away! Why do you think Lo’ak started that fight? He wanted to put those thoughts in your head to make you question me…hate me.”

You were beyond bewildered. What was he talking about?

“No one is out to destroy us. What makes you think that?”

He looked at you like you were the one spewing nonsense. He shook his head, “How can you not see? Everyone glares at us! I can hear them whispering all around. Especially that fucker Raziel…I had to do something about him. Even my own brother has betrayed me.”

Frustration of your own was kicking in.

“Well, maybe they wouldn’t be like that if you didn’t go around threatening people! That’s the reason why. Kids look up to you, adults respect you, what are they supposed to think when you’re acting like that?”

“What?”

Neteyam scoffed, his tone dark.

“I’m serious. I hate seeing you like this.”

He stepped back as if you slapped him. His aura was like a dark cloud. His eyes cold as they stared into yours.

“You hate me then, don’t you? You don’t love me…if you loved me then you would agree. You would console me, you wouldn’t be arguing with me.”

“Of course, I love you, Neteyam. This just isn’t making any sense to me.”

The main thing that hurt the most was him questioning your love. If anything your deep affection should be so clear. You love him so that’s why you’re having this argument. To try and understand the cause. How can he say that you two shouldn’t be fighting. If you had just dismissed this whole thing then it would have been a massive weight within your mind. A never ending thought that would have consumed you day and night.

Neteyam towered over, “Well, it makes perfect sense to me…I can’t believe this. See? We can’t be doing this,” he displayed his hands out, gesturing to you and him, “This fighting…it’s not right.”

You squinted, disagreement on the tip of your tongue, “Couples fight, Neteyam. Do you just expect me to be quiet and obedient for you? Be a thoughtless servant just for you?”

“Yes.”

Stunned, you chose to stare at his chest. You wondered if this was his true self. Behind the layers of his  kindness, heroic nature, and warmth, was a blazing fire of a dark desire. It burned you. He burned you.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be that for you. I won’t.”

You wanted to walk off; go anywhere but near him. Neteyam started to panic. He couldn’t help but say what was his truth and the amount of hurt radiating from you was too much. He wrapped himself around you, his hand caressing your hair.

“I- you just mean everything to me, baby. I meant it…in a way that I can’t imagine a life without you. I just don’t want you to give up on me.”

You couldn’t see his face but his voice was wavering and you thought he was starting to cry. A headache was beginning to surface. Is this what people called a one-eighty? He was so angry and now he’s crying on your shoulder. Admittedly, hearing his words made you feel better. He didn’t mean it. He just wanted all of you. The optimist in you outweighed the pessimist and you hoped that this was just a storm passing through.

You held onto that hope as you said, “I won’t give up on you, okay? Can we talk tomorrow? It’s late.”

Neteyam detached himself from you. His eyes were dry, like he didn’t shed even one tear. You pushed the observation away for now. The want to go home on the front of your mind. You tip toed and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek to catch him off guard as you scurried off.

After you greeted your parents and sat emptily to their scolding for coming home past eclipse, you laid awake.

Was he faking it? Did he put on a show for your forgiveness? Sleep didn’t come to give you rest that night.

The continuation of the previous night’s talk didn’t happen. You tried to bring it up, but Neteyam either turned a blind eye or said, “Not now.”

Two weeks passed and they all consisted of not now’s. Neteyam dropped it entirely and you gave up when you realized that meant you had to drop it too.

Since the night of the incident between Neteyam and Lo’ak, your relationship with the Sully family shifted. It was at a point now where you felt ashamed, like it was your fault for this sudden crack in his family’s dynamic. Kiri had been distant with her brother, choosing to exchange words when it was necessary. The rift between the two brothers was growing each day that passed and a swarm of guilt fluttered within you.

To add gasoline onto your burning shame, you have been distant with them as well. It’s been weeks since you had a conversation with Kiri that wasn’t an awkward exchange of greetings and you have barely seen Tuk since she’s been training for her rites. But now, you found yourself alone with Lo’ak.

The normal routine was back the day after your argument with Neteyam. That routine being him carrying out his duties alongside his father and you busing yourself with Mo’at tasks. You had been left alone in her hut before the youngest Sully son sauntered over. Nothing was said, he merely watched you work.

Of course, you felt his watchful eyes and tried not to make your nervousness known. You avoided glancing at his face and the healing scar above his eye.

The never ending guilt harboring inside yourself felt like a heavy mass. You’ve been meaning to talk to Lo’ak, ask him how he’s been, but you failed at having the courage. Seeing him and having his presence alongside yours forced the words out.

“How are you? Are you fully healed?”

Your hands were grinding herbs, a seemingly automatic movement you’ve mastered by now, but your attention was solely focused on him. Lo’ak previously had been staring at the array of wooden bowls scattered on the floor, memorizing their contents to not make his sudden appearance as awkward as it was.

He lifted his head at your voice, “I’m fine, but as you can see,” he ran his fingers over the scar, “I have something to remember it all by.”

You shut your eyes, pained at the memory of that night.

“I’m so sorry, Lo’ak. I wish it never happened.”

He said your name, his voice sounding distressed. Lo’ak looked sick which then turned into something urgent. His ear twitched.

“Please, don’t take offense to this…but you shouldn’t be so nice,” he shook his head, “No, that doesn’t sound right. I mean, you’re too merciful when it comes to Neteyam. You’re too forgiving for your own good. Here you are giving me a more sincere apology than Neteyam over something that isn’t your fault…I thought after everything you’d see…”

He spoke his last sentence softy. Everything seemed clearer to him now.

“I would see what?” You said. Lo’ak bit his lower lip, anxious.

“Don’t you see that Neteyam is different? He’s not the same.”

“You mean his anger issues? I know it’s a problem, but with a little help-”

He cut you off, “Not just his anger…” Lo’ak said your name softly like he was tasked with delivering upsetting news, “I’ve never been serious with someone like you and Neteyam, but I do know right from wrong. The way he just throws commands at you, controls what you do or who you speak to, even the way he keeps tabs on you at all times. Don’t get me started on how he is at home…you know, Kiri made so many plans with you, she was so excited. But every time Neteyam shut her down. Saying how she would put you in danger or he doesn’t like you being away without him knowing. It’s like he doesn’t trust you. It’s wrong.”

Maybe at the start of your budding romance you would have defended Neteyam, hissed or fought with Lo’ak. But things are different, so different, and you take in all his words to heart. You did notice the change to his overbearing, possessive even, behavior and it made you feel naive to only notice it after something bad happened. But to keep you from Kiri? You’re only friend? You felt betrayed. Lo’ak had a point. Neteyam didn’t trust you. It made you feel sick.

“Lo’ak…I tried to convince him that we need a break but he wouldn’t hear it. All we do is argue and I’m just so confused all the time. He makes me confused.”

You placed the forgotten bowl of herbs in your hands onto the ground. Defeat covered every inch of you. Lo’ak let the space fill with silence. He didn’t know how to help you. His brother beat him up before and he didn’t want to do something that caused history to repeat itself. You, on the other hand, took this as a chance to finally confide in someone.

“I love him…or maybe I love him because the Neteyam I fell in love with has to still be a part of him, right? There’s been times when I thought he put on a front. He said and did things that made me feel so guilty, like it was always my fault he lashed out. I was trapped and the only way out was to cave. But there was something so eerily empty in his eyes. They didn’t captivate me anymore but instead made me question his every move, his intentions.”

Your chest felt heavy and you didn’t know if you had the strength to carry the weight. The increase in speed of your pounding heart put your mind into disarray.

“He won’t let me go, ever.”

Lo’ak opened his mouth but the clan abruptly erupted in chaos. People leaving their huts at the noise and jogging past caused Lo’ak and yourself to follow. A large circle was formed and for a second you could catch nothing, only the sound of a woman wailing. Her cries guttural and full of pain rattled you to your core. Your unease grew when clan members from the inner circle began pushing their way out. Some were crying and others had hands clasped over their mouths like they were going to hurl. Curious and worried people dropped the crowd incessantly, running away.

You understood why when you saw it.

Raziel laid in his mother’s arms. Lifeless. The only reason for your assurance on his death being the ripped pieces of his chest and stomach. His insides spewed out and the amount of dark blood everywhere.You stood planted and stared at his mangled body for what felt like eternity. The last thing you saw before turning around was his hand and the empty spots where his fingers should be.

You stare at the ground ahead of you, barely noticing the embrace of Lo’ak. He hurriedly lead the both of you away. The voice of his father trying to comfort the weeping woman in the distance.

Raziel…you didn’t like him one bit but no one deserved to die like that. Upon first glance anyone would assume it was an animal attack, but your gut told you otherwise.

The cuts above his chest were too small, straight, and thin to be claw marks. And his hand…you’ve seen Mo’at tend to a few clan members who barely survived animal attacks and you had a gist of what a bitten off finger could look like. Raziel’s hand looked nothing like that, the cuts were too clean.

You peered into Lo’ak’s eyes and without words he understood.

“He couldn’t be capable of this. He can’t be.”

“Your father is here,” you looked over Lo’ak’s shoulder at the Olo’eyktan, “So where is Neteyam.”

Lo’ak moved his head around the clan searching intensely. While he was distracted, you ran off. You ventured until you were at the furthest corner of the open space just outside the cave’s opening. No one was nearby. It felt strange seeing the outskirts of the cave so empty, especially at this time of day, but the echoing of shouts and crying felt more uncanny.

You called for Ora. Her usually instant arrival was replaced by nothing. The sky was clear of your beloved Ikran. You called three more times. Eyes searching the horizon for any sign of her but you were met with not a single thing, not even a screech from afar. Your gut twisted and your body shook as unwelcome nerves overtook you.

There were overgrown vines alongside the mountain and for the first time you were grateful the clan moved to a cavity closer to the ground. You wasted no time grabbing onto the vines and descending.

When you hit the ground, you traveled into the forest. You weren’t sure what you were doing. This was insane. You knew you were looking for Neteyam, if he was even out here, but you weren’t ready to know what you would find. There was no plan in your head, but your body kept moving. You halted when you found yourself near the lake.

You saw Neteyam before he could see you. You crouched and walked through the trees, trying to get a better view. You only saw the top of his head since he was blocked by the lush greenery. When you hid half your body behind a large tree trunk, you saw his entirety.

He was standing in the water. The once serene shade of blue turned red. Neteyam was cleaning himself of blood. You didn’t know how long he’s been grabbing handfuls of water to wash his dirtied skin, but you could see that the upper part of his body was still covered in splatters of the red substance. Your hand covered your mouth at the sight. It raveled into shed tears and swallowed down cries. Raziel…his mother, father, the clan. Nobody had gotten close to being with Eywa in years.

The amount of mourning to come because of your love, your Neteyam…being in love never hurt so much.

The once clear skies became covered with stormy clouds. The rain that fell onto your face blended well with your tears, but you kept your gaze strong ahead.

The blood and water mixed like two colors on a canvas, and Neteyam was the painter. He did it. There’s no other explanation for him to be washing off this much blood.

Neteyam killed him.

The sudden urge to get away quickly without him noticing made you take one last glance then you turned around. Your legs ached as you were still crouched and heading deeper into the forest. You must have been so clouded with pain and betrayal you stopped worrying about making a sound, a silent escape.

Neteyam whipped his head towards the trees at the sound of a twig snapping. He waded out of the water slowly. He was trained at hunting, it’s his specialty. He knew how to move through the forest unseen and unheard. His movement halted when he saw you standing.

You couldn’t go on with the cramp building in your leg. A simple mistake due to the need for rest that you now had to pay.

Neteyam spoke your name. It was like a gun shot signaling a race to start. You ran.

***

Eclipse had fallen by the time you made it deep into the forest and the downpour of rain had caused you to lose your footing twice. You haven’t run this amount in a while. So, you tracked further until you could no longer take it. You found a low leaf of a tree and hid behind it to catch your breath.

You were not sure how long you’ve been resting but your ears twitched the second you heard slow steps crunching on the ground. You pressed your back into the bark of the tree when he called your name again.

“Don’t hide from me. I don’t like it.”

You closed your eyes and prayed to Eywa that he would tread past you. You should have known better though. Neteyam is a skilled warrior, a hunter. It was incredibly still and quiet as you exhaled slowly to not make your presence known.

Eywa didn’t answer your prayer.

His hand gripped your arm and pulled you to your feet. He took your chin in his hand, tilting your head upwards.

Neteyam didn’t like playing games like this. He tightened his grip, “You’ve been a bad girl…I told you not to come out here by yourself. Why are you here?”

His hand dug so hard into your skin that you couldn’t be released no matter how hard you tried.

“Neteyam, please, let go of me!”

His eyes hardened and narrowed into slits. He had a tiring day and finding you in the forest made it worse. He watched you wander down to his chest. Your own eyes widening at the remnants of now dried blood. Neteyam smirked at the realization.

“Did the clan find my present? Is that why you’re here, to thank me?”

You let the hidden back sobs free. “Why? How could you do something so horrible?!”

“Is defending your honor horrible? He put his filthy fucking hands on you. He wanted you. Raziel would have always been filthy. All I did was a little cleaning.”

You tasted bile in the back of your throat, but dismissed it as you uttered, “I don’t know who you are. You aren’t the man I grew to love. I don’t want anything with you anymore.”

Neteyam laughed, “That will be hard once we’re mated.”

“We will never be mated. It isn’t even a possibility because when your father and the rest of the clan find out about what you did-”

“They won’t though. I may have made a few mistakes, I mean I was blinded by rage, but I have killed countless animals. The clan, and my father, will think of it as only a tragic animal attack. It’s happened before and will likely again.”

Neteyam gently raised his hand to the back of your head, fingers weaving through the depth of your hair. He gripped tightly and pulled. You shouted in pain and looked at him through hooded eyes due to the angle your head was now at.

He closed the space between you with his body against yours, “Besides, there’s no point in you betraying me. No one would believe you. I will always be a perfect son in my parent’s eyes.”

Neteyam loosened his tight grip. His hand cupped your face instead, “And I can’t have the people think my mate is crazy. That is what they’d call you, but we can’t have that.”

The longer you stared at him you knew everything was gone. His eyes that made you feel seen, his words that filled you with joy and complete adoration were now a distant memory. You had grown exhausted throughout this relationship. All the fighting, feeling confused, putting Neteyam’s feelings before your own, and letting all your life’s goals and wishes be crushed down to a mere daydream to keep him happy. It wasn’t worth it anymore. Lo’ak was right. This isn’t what love is supposed to be.

You pushed his hand off and for good measure you shoved him by the chest. “If I have to live my life holding this dreadful secret to myself, then fine. But I’ll do it alone. I’m done.”

Neteyam was offended. He looked at your hands with dislike. His own clenched, nails digging painfully into his skin. How dare you push him away? After all he’s done for you?

“You always have to defy me. Everything I do is for you! But how do you repay me? By starting useless arguments and doubting me. Stop letting other people convince you I’m not good for you. I know you don’t mean it.”

Neteyam towered over you, you’re back harshly hitting the bark of a tree. His tone deep and sinister as he said, “If you ever think of leaving me…think about the disappointment of my parents. I will be the leader of this clan and you are expected to birth my children. They will be heartbroken to see me, their son, without a mate.”

He raised an arm and rested his palm against the bark near your head. He bent down to meet your eyes, “ You’d break Kiri’s heart as well. You’re her only friend. Do you want to see her so alone? Not only would my parents be displeased, but your parents…they would disown you. Their only child in love with the future Olo’eyktan only to break his heart. They would never look at you the same. You would let down your family? Over all this? You would be forgotten. You would never find someone who would give you his entire life and being to you. Not as much as me.”

Neteyam wiped away the never ending tears escaping you, “Stop crying. All our problems are gone now, baby.”

He smiled and his lips met yours. To him it was a passionate kiss. He didn’t mind the feeling of your tears falling onto his face. You felt empty, like Neteyam drained you of everything. You had no more power to fight back, no more strength to go against him anymore. You had become a puppet. The strings that held you up were no match to him. Neteyam held them firmly in his hands and had all the control.

His lips pressed deeper into yours, his other hand grabbing your lower back. When he parted he brushed away more tears.

“Let’s go home.”

Neteyam truly had given you his entirety. Of course, the fact that you weren’t as obedient as he wanted bothered him constantly. But his anger towards you never lasted long.

He woke up that day feeling much clearer than he ever was. The outside forces trying to break through the barriers of your relationship had to be put to an end.

When he climbed up to the part of the mountains where the Ikran’s rested and gave Ora to Ewya or when he got on top of Raziel and ignored his pleas as he ended his life…Neteyam only had one thought in mind.

This is love.

End.

A/N: tbh I wrote most of this with days in between so I’m not sure if it makes any sense at all :) but thank you for reading nonetheless! So sad he killed Ora like how rude.

[kuroch-rry]

It’s happening!! My yandere Neteyam fic, This is love, isn’t it?, is coming out tomorrow! (Or maybe later tonight) I just have to edit it!

Again, I’m sorry this is so late but this is the longest fic I have ever written. (12k) !! I didn’t think my brain could come up with this many words.

Should I post it after i’m done editing (it might be around 1-2 am) or just wait until tomorrow? 

[kuroch-rry]

Hey guys….I’m so sorry my Neteyam fic hasn’t been posted at the time I said it would be, but I recently got sick and I just started second semester so I’m going through it lol

BUT I did hit 10k words and I just have to complete the ending so it should be out soon!!

[kuroch-rry]

the dark neteyam fic will probably come out either Tuesday or Wednesday because I’m seeing Nct 127 tomorrow…I have to channel my inner nctzen all day…no time for Neteyam 💔

[kuroch-rry]

This Is Love, Isn’t It? (Teaser)

Pairing: Dark Neteyam x fem!reader

W/C: tba (hopefully near 10k)

Warnings: dark/yandere-ish Neteyam, aged up characters, more warnings tba

Edit: *Complete Fic is out!*

A/N: I had to put a teaser out cause I’m going crazy. it’s been so hard to write this and editing will = last braincell hanging on by a thread

***

You kept calling for your Ikran, Ora, several times but she hasn’t come, not once.

You can’t think of what happened to her as you’re trying your best to hide. Eclipse has fallen by the time you made it deep into the forest and the downpour of rain has caused you to lose your footing twice. You haven’t run this amount in a while. So, you track further until you can no longer take it. You find a low leaf of a tree and hide behind it to catch your breath.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been resting but your ears twitch the second you hear slow steps crunching on the ground. You press your back into the bark of the tree when he calls your name.

“Don’t hide from me. You know I don’t like it.”

You close your eyes and pray to Eywa that he will tread past you. You should have known better though. Neteyam’s a skilled warrior, a hunter. It’s incredibly still and quiet as you exhale slowly to not make your presence known.

Eywa didn’t answer your prayer.

His hand is gripping your arm and pulling you to your feet. He takes your chin in his hand, tilting your head upwards.

Neteyam doesn’t like playing games like this.

He tightens his grip, “You’ve been a bad girl.”

[kuroch-rry]

I want to write for avatar the way of water (probably Neteyam fics only) but I’m working on something that’s a little dark and yandere-ish for Neteyam…would people be mad or want to read it 🤨 everyone in this is aged up btw 

[kuroch-rry]

Ready to Go

Pairings: inmate sunghoon x reader, fiancé heeseung x reader

Warnings: implied toxic relationship, angst (?), sunghoon’s in jail, implied yandere sunghoon

A/N: I’ve been in a terrible writing funk and just wanted to get something out…seeing enhypen in concert has cursed me with another enhypen phase so there’s some wip…

***

The soft purring of the engine had your focus but the sudden flash of lightening brought you out of your daze. Your fiancé grabs your clammy hand, intertwining with your fingers.

“You don’t have to see him, love. We can just get a head start of the moving truck.”

You meet his gaze. God, you’ve finally found the love of your life. You never fail to feel like a giddy eighteen year old in his presence. You give him a soft smile. “I have to.”

You can see the conflict in him. This part of you has always brought the angriness out of him. The part of you that’s too good. You’re too good to the people that have scarred you and it hurts him that you’re not just as upset as he is.

“He’s mentally unstable. Seeing you will probably make it worse.”

You look towards your lap. You completely understand his reasoning, but you hate not saying goodbye to people. Even if they don’t deserve it.

“Darling, it’ll only be ten minutes. There’s guards with me, too. He’ll be behind glass walls.”

He’s visibly uncomfortable. His leg bouncing despite the tight space underneath the wheel and his thumb rubbing circles on your hand. You latch onto your purse so it doesn’t fall while you lean to kiss his cheek. You lean back in the passenger seat and he searches your eyes before sighing.

“Only ten minutes, right?”

You nod as the wired gates open slowly. A guard makes his way to your car. They’re ready for you. You open the door and get out. Heeseung leans over the console before you leave, “I love you.”

You say it back before the guard escorts you inside.

It’s been two years since you’ve visited your past lover. If you can even call him that. There wasn’t much love in your eyes. You’ve cut your hair since then. It rests just above your chest. You’ve also changed your entire wardrobe. No longer owning clothes that his hands have touched. Heeseung helped you donate all of it. The sound of your steps and the guards are the only thing heard and then the unlocking of the door. You’re hands are shaking, but the guard doesn’t seem to mention it. You enter the empty room. They’ve yet to bring him in, so you make yourself as comfortable as you can while you wait. It’s quite hard to when your sitting in a jail. Thirty seconds pass before a loud beep sounds. Two guards put him in the chair across from you and unlock his handcuffs.

Sunghoon thought this was another visit from his shitty lawyer, but when he saw you he sat there in disbelief. He quickly grabbed the telephone on the wall and you do the same.

“Baby, you’ve come back for me.”

He sounds so relieved. He remembers the exact dates you’ve came and when you stopped he was back in that dark place he was when all those obstacles separated you from him. He’s sent his cell mate and two guards to the infirmary throughout the time you’ve been gone. He looks at all of you and notices all the changes. His demeanor rapidly shifts.

“Where have you been? You don’t pick up my calls.”

You tense from his tone. You remember this about him clearly. He is a master at becoming an entirely different person. You clear your throat.

“I changed my number.”

“Why would you do that? Don’t you want to hear my voice?”

You take a good look at him. He much paler now and the lower half of his hair has grown out to cover the back of his neck. His bangs pushed away from his forehead but the tip rests right below his eyebrow. He looks bulkier than before, but he looks blank. Devoid, drained. The part of you that has seen him in his best wants to feel sympathetic, but you won’t let it.

“I’ve come to say goodbye, Sunghoon.”

He leans on the table, confusion evident on his face.

“Goodbye? Why would you be saying that, you’re coming back to see me.”

“No, I won’t be. I’m not coming back.”

Sunghoon glances down your body, looking for something, before his free hand tenses.

“Show me your other hand.”

“What?”

He hits his hand on the table, “Do it.”

A guard calls out in warning, but he remains on you. You don’t want witness how angry he can get again, so you raise your left hand. Tears that were building up finally come down.

“That’s not your ring.”

“Sunghoon-”

“Where’s the ring I gave you! The right one.”

You shake your head, “Sunghoon, please-”

“What are you doing, Y/n. Are you mad at me? Is this some joke to make me upset, because it’s working. You can take it off now.”

You swipe away cascading tears. “Sunghoon, I’m…” You want to say that you’re not his anymore. “I’m leaving and I really won’t come back. This is the last time”

He stares at you, before hanging his head and giving a deep laugh. It makes your back shiver.

“What did I say about lying to me.”

Your face conforms into disgust. This burning fury you’ve felt for years grows tenfold and you don’t want to hold back the things you’ve wanted to say just for his sake anymore.

“I’m not lying. I’m engaged and I’m moving away from here. From You.”

Another flash of lightening booms from outside. Sunghoon curls his hand into itself. Fingernails making indents into his skin, close enough to draw blood. His jaw screaming to relax.

“You’ve been bad without me. You’ve become a liar.”

You look back to the guard behind you, “I’m done here.”

You move to hang up the phone, but Sunghoon flinches forward, hand pressed up against the glass.

“Wait, baby, I’m sorry. Just wait.”

The guard stops a few feet behind you but you only look at Sunghoon before getting up. Sunghoon stands, chair pushed back, he slams the phone down before shouting to reach passed the glass.

“Baby, please! I love you, baby, just say it back. Tell me you love me!”

His shouts are faded once the door closes, shutting you off from him. But you can still hear him struggle with the guards who are calling for back up. You hear him screaming your name. You ask the guard if you can use the bathroom before you leave. Once there you grab some tissue from your purse and clean your face. You glance at your ring through the mirror and grab onto the peace it gives you. Heeseung’s waiting for you.

He see’s you coming out from the gates and gets out of the car. He holds you once you reach him. The rest of the car ride home is full of delicate guitar strums and his hand on your thigh.

[kuroch-rry]

Afraid of Change - Alternative Ending

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warning: cheating au, implied smut

A/N: this is the alt ending to Afraid of Change and this isn’t any better lol but def the ending some people want :)

***

It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.

The thought of being fine has always been empty words to you, not meaning the most. But as you step into the elevator and press the worn down button of the fifteenth floor all you can do is pray. Pray to whoever will listen that, yes, you will be fine.

You’re not sure when the suspicion rose within your mind, but recently it’s been all your thoughts. When you’re falling asleep and right when you’re waking up. As you walk down the hallway, twenty steps until the door, you hold onto the ring that rests on your right middle finger. You never had the confidence to put it on your left hand or even your ring finger, in case he’ll notice. It’s a constant reminder of what was and what should’ve been.

“It’s a placeholder for the real thing. One day, I promise…”

You’ve never been one for confrontation and honestly the second you unlock the door you might not dive into it. And that’s what happens when you close the door and put your belongings on the dining table. The urge to say something about what you are so sure of dissipates the longer you stand in place. I have to hear him say it…a slip up. And then I’ll find the courage. Is what you say to yourself to fight back your nerves.

You quickly go for the cabinet and fill a cup of water for yourself. As you sip you can hear rustling of paper down the hall, near the bedroom. In his study as always. You’re sure that he knows your home, but despite that you stand near the doorframe. You see his back and the rapid scribbling he’s doing. Your eyes immediately drift to the glass of whiskey to his left. And then the bottle, half empty, close by.

Always drinking. Always tipsy.

You clear your throat. “Have you had dinner?”

Without a flinch to your voice, seeing as he could hear your breathing from behind him since you got there, he raises the glass. “It’s right here.”

Jesus.

You’ve never liked staying in his study. (Not like he also enjoyed it…since he’s a workaholic and needs absolute silence.) You can’t help but step inside and stand near the bookcase and distract yourself with not really reading the titles. You distract yourself with the differentiating heights of the books. You picked up on distracting yourself a lot these days.

He sighs. “I’m working on something very important here and I need you to-” another sigh, “Did you want something?”

This makes you turn your head towards him. He’s not even looking at you. Still making markings on countless papers.

“No, not really.”

With that you make your way back into the hall, towards the bedroom. The first thing you notice is that your side of the bed is still unmade. Something about waking up by yourself this morning made you rush to get to work earlier than usual. You distract yourself with getting ready for bed. It’s not even late, barely past eight, but you have to do something. You think taking a shower first is better. As you undress and dip your hand into the rushing water to test the temperature, your eyes find their way to all his things in the bathroom. To his toothbrush, his pair of glasses lying on the porcelain of the sink, and to his towel hanging next to yours.

God, I’ve never been good with distractions when it comes to him.

And if the shower isn’t the best place to get lost within yourself.

While you stand under the downpour you think of three months ago.

“I’ve always liked you best this way.” Five said from his place by the dresser. Hands in both of his pant pockets. Glasses on the bridge of his nose and hair in disarray.

“What way?” You glanced curiously up from your spot in bed, back against the headboard, and a small book with collections of poems in your hands.

“Like this,” he made his way to you, “Wearing just a comfy t-shirt, in bed, and focused on something you like.” As he sat by your feet your cat jumped up from the other end and came to stay right by your side. “I guess he likes it too.” He said, resting a hand on your leg that was under the blanket.

A playful grin makes its way on your face. “Why is the lack of clothes I’m wearing the first thing you mention?”

His hand continued to move up your body and you finally noticed how close he had gotten. He leaned to kiss you before leaning dangerously closer besides your ear.

“You better get the cat off the bed.”

Your brought back by the sound of a shampoo bottle slipping off the edge of the tub, sliding by your feet. You bend to pick it up and put it back. You think nothing else as you continue to shower.

After about ten more minutes your wrap a towel around yourself. The mirror is quite fogged up but you don’t wish to see yourself anyways. The clothes you change into are cozy and entirely your own. (You used to have a habit of stealing Five’s shirts…but is it technically stealing if you buy them for him since he can’t be bothered?) You do what you need to do to finish getting ready for bed and you finally step back into the bedroom. You see your cat is already curled up sleeping but instantly comes to when you get in.

You instinctively run a hand over him and find yourself smiling as he purrs. “How was your day cat? Hope you did a lot of people watching from the window. I know you love that.” You whisper in case Five can hear you and interrupt his work. You sink deeper into the sheets and rest your head on the pillow. As you stare another memory floods over you.

“Five, I’m giving you the responsibility of naming him.”

He grunted in protest from the dining table. He watched you on the couch holding the rescue in your arms. You looked up from rubbing the cat’s belly and waited. Nodding your head in confirmation that he has to name him. Swinging one leg over the other, he said, “Cat.”

You laughed, “Yes, Five, I know he’s a cat.”

“No, silly. I’m naming him Cat.”

You gave an incredulous look in reply. With that he got up and before entering the kitchen he said, “You know I like to keep things simple. Cat is the simplest.”

You looked down to Cat while you heard Five opening the fridge. You weren’t even mad, in fact you found it funny. “Cat you’ll be then.”

After that you fell asleep with your hand resting on Cat’s back.

***

In the morning you wake up later than you normally allow yourself to. Cat is nowhere in sight, so you assume he’s in the living room waiting for breakfast. You look over and the other side of the bed is exactly how you found it yesterday. This annoys you slightly. You stand up and stretch your back out before heading to feed Cat. You hear Five talking to himself as you pass the study. He definitely didn’t get any sleep. You ignore this and focus on Cat. He’s exactly where you thought you’d find him, waiting by the window in the living room.

After two minutes, you gently place his new food on the floor and start making yourself breakfast. You need something comforting right now, so you make your favorite blueberry pancakes. After you’ve set your plate you take in that you made enough for two. Despite all your worry and suspicions you grab another plate.

You walk plate in hand and you’ve even got a smaller dish with syrup in the other. You knock, even though the door was already somewhat open, and wait for his response. He doesn’t and you can’t take standing out there any longer so you push inside. He doesn’t say anything in protest so you continue. You’re already annoyed with him for not sleeping so you don’t say a word as you place the food down on the emptiest part of the desk. You leave as quietly as you came in.

You don’t have to be at work today so you contemplate what your supposed to do all day. Being home doesn’t feel inviting, even if Cat’s there. He probably doesn’t need something from you for a while anyways since he already ate. You’ve come to the decision to get yourself coffee first, not Five’s coffee, so you quickly change and say goodbye to Cat before heading out.

There’s a quaint café a couple blocks from your apartment and it happens to be the only place that you can get a decent drink without regretting it after a few sips. You hear the bell above you and the friendly getting from the young barista behind the counter. You and a few other people, studious college students, contain the café. Which you appreciate because a rowdy coffee shop doesn’t sound pleasing right now. You greet back, order your usual, and take a seat at an empty table for two. Observing the table next to yours you realize it’s the same spot you met up with a college friend at weeks ago. You sigh at the memory.

“So, I’ve been dying to hear all about this boyfriend of three years.” She exclaimed full of excitement at the thought of your love life. The pastry she ordered left to cool in front of her.

“You wasted no time, Caroline.”

“Of course not! All I’ve gotten is a couple posts on Instagram about you two. And those don’t provide the details I’m looking for!”

You grin, “And what details are you looking for exactly?”

“Your sex life. Obviously.”

You snap your head around the café and feel a tad bit relieved nobody cared enough to eavesdrop. “Jesus, Caroline, my sex life?” You whisper the last part, embarrassed.

“Yes, I’ll tell you all about mine but you need to go first.”

“Why must I go first?” You mutter, but ultimately give up. It’s not something you want to share but maybe you’ll feel lighter. “Actually, it hasn’t been as good as it used to be.”

She reached a hand across the table, not grabbing yours, but it’s a sign she’s there and listening.

You noticed this and prepared yourself. “It’s been a little over two months since the last time.”

“Seriously? Is it you, or…”

“It’s him. I mean I’m not a prude and I’m up for it, but he’s been especially busy with his job recently, taking business trips, and whenever we’re at home it’s not like he’s shown any sign of wanting to.” You find your empty cup the thing you decided to stare at, not wanting to see the look on Caroline’s face.

She called you by your nickname, voice with concern. “So, you’ve been just left to your own devices?”

“God! I am not going to talk about that, Caroline.” You shift in your seat uncomfortably.

“Okay, okay. But I can’t help but think…” She glances down at her uneaten pastry before meeting your eyes again. So she’s thinking the same thing that’s been clouding your brain.

“I don’t know, but everything was fine a couple months ago and suddenly he’s different. Not as affectionate, even though he barely was in the beginning anyways, and I just feel like an afterthought to him lately.” You take a deep breath. “I don’t want to even fathom the idea that he’s cheating on me, but those business trips? He’s particularly distant and snappy when he’s back. I mean he’s always had a temper but he would apologize to me after. Now when he lashes out on me, for stupid things by the way, he just locks himself in his study. We barely talk.” You felt on the verge of tearing up, but you just breathed out shakily.

Caroline went to hold your hand this time. “Anything else you noticed?”

You nodded. “One time when I did the laundry, his suit jacket smelled like perfume. It was faint and I caught a whiff when I went to put it in, but I smelled it again and it wasn’t mine. I swear to God, I know every perfume I have and nothing comes close.” You felt this striking warmth in the middle of your chest. You just kept breathing in hope it went away.

“You have to ask him. I’ve dealt with cheaters before and you have to get his ass for it. Now.”

You cry, “Caroline, it’s not easy for me! I want to, I really do, but I’m so scared. If it’s true I don’t know what I’ll do. I love him. He’s…he’s the only one I’ve ever given all my love to.”

She gives your hand a quick squeeze.

“But if he’s cheating, you’ll leave him right?”

You’re back at the almost empty café. You get up, deciding that drinking your coffee is better off anywhere but here.

***

Afternoon is when you get back to the apartment. Your legs tired of aimlessly walking for hours. Stopping here and there at stores and the park, but nevertheless tired. Putting your jacket on the hook and not forgetting to give some attention to Cat, you hesitantly walk down the hall. Peaking into his study you find it empty. Confused, you ears pick up the noise coming from the bedroom. You enter and see Five packing a small suitcase.

“Where are you going?” You lean on one side of your body, anxious.

He looks briefly at you before putting more of his things together. “Business trip.”

That warmth from weeks ago creeps back in your chest.

“Again? But you had one last week.” You can’t help the small amount of bite that goes with what you said. Five stops and turns to face you. “It’s work. I have to go.”

“It’s just that they’ve never been this close to each other.”

He scoffs, “Well if you have so much of a problem with it then call and complain to them. Not me.” He zips the suitcase and walks past you. He’s wearing the same suit you smelled perfume on. You stand there, taking your deep breaths, before following after him. “Five.”

He’s in the study, putting paperwork together in a briefcase. You’re going to pretend that he didn’t hear you, so you call again. “Five.”

“What.” He sounds uninterested and that damn striking warmth won’t leave you. You want to ask. You want to blurt it out and demand an answer. He’s still moving about with determination and the question almost, almost, goes back inside of you. But you don’t want to be the girl that doesn’t even bother. The girl that ignores it.

“Are you cheating on me, Five?” You don’t say it with much confidence, but you still say it. He pauses for a moment, jaw tight, before zipping the briefcase and standing before you.

“What makes you come to that conclusion?” He’s looking down on you, and god, it makes you angry.

“That’s not a denial, Five.”

“Christ. I’m not having this conversation because I’m not cheating on you.” He looks antsy, like he wants to leave this apartment this second, but he makes no moves. He’s not looking at you anymore and you stay silent. What can you say? All you think about is why didn’t he say that in the first place? Why not deny it the second after you said it?

Why isn’t he angry you even accused him?

“I’m running late. We’ll talk when I get back.”  With that, he goes past you yet again and you stand in the study even after you hear the door close. You think that it’s all the pent up frustration from all this that you release your tears. You don’t make a big fuss, not a sound, just noiseless crying. You hug yourself while you return to the bedroom. You curl up in bed facing away from everything that reminds you of Five. You stare at the wall ahead and it’s when you hear Cat coming and jumps up to lay by you that your crying becomes less noiseless.

***

His business trips typically last three to four days, but what makes you flinch is when you hear the apartment door open. It’s only been one day since he left. You’ve stayed in bed, on your side, the whole time. Only getting up to feed Cat and take a long shower. You don’t bother moving. Only listening to the footsteps and the creaking of the bedroom door being pushed open. He wordlessly sits by your feet near the edge of the bed. It’s all so familiar and it makes you feel sick. He doesn’t say anything.

“Why are you here?” You break the silence first.

“I’ve done some thinking. I thought it would be best to come back.” He sits not facing you, elbows on his knees. You really can’t bring yourself to look at him.

“What have you been thinking?”

“Her name is Nora. She works in another department.” You find his words have guilt clinging onto them.

“Did you meet her while you were away?” You’re still staring at the wall. Too calm for his liking.

“Yes. A long time ago, but things…escalated a few months ago.”

You shut your dried out eyes and sniffle. That anger came back within you instantly. “Months? Did you ever think to stop? That you have a girlfriend at home?”

“Of course, I never wanted it to happen for this long. Or at all, but work has been insanely stressful-”

You sit up, in complete disbelief, and you ignore the way your body hurts from being in the same position for hours. “For fucks sake, Five! You think that’s an excuse? I’m right here, always have been for you!”

He snaps his head towards you. “No, I know it’s not an excuse! And I’ve always thought about you and guilt has been eating away at me. I just…I can’t justify what I did, but I have no plans on seeing her ever again. I love you, I always will. I’m just always jumping way too far into things and I lost my way.” He inches closer not sure how you’d feel, so he still gives space. “All I can hope is that you forgive me. It’s the worst thing I could’ve done and I did it. I’m sorry.”

You hear his apology, but it remains unimportant right now. “Am I not enough? You say you love me and that you wanted to stop but when you’re here I don’t feel loved, Five. We don’t even act like a couple anymore. I’m a roommate basically. I do things for you and get shit in return.”

He shut his eyes in shame before focusing back on you and running a hand through his hair. God, you hate him. “I know. I know I’ve been terrible but it’s because I’m so mad with myself. I’m mad I didn’t ignore her like how I do to everyone else. I’m angry I didn’t come to you. I hate that I made you feel unloved, but you’re the first relationship I’ve had that I wanted to hold onto forever. I’m so sorry.” It’s then that he takes attention to the fact that your ring is no longer on your finger, but on the bedside table instead.

His eyes widen slightly before his entire being just goes slack. “Are you going to leave me?”

You don’t answer and lie back down. He doesn’t urge a response from you, assuming you’ve heard enough and need space. Five watches you reach for Cat before making his way to his study, closing the door behind him.

You just need to think.

***

It take you approximately two hours to come to a decision. No matter how much love you’ve given him and how much he’s given you, there’s this reasoning of a cheater never changes. You thought to yourself that if you stay he will change and become just as loyal as you, but you don’t think your willing to take that chance.

You didn’t talk to him the rest of the night and fell asleep alone, but when you wake up the next morning he’s there sleeping on his side. That warmth strikes your chest. The way the morning sun peaks through the curtains, leaving a glow around him. To his long eyelashes, his messy bed head, the way he grumbles in his sleep…you’re suddenly reminded of all the good in your relationship. The time spent before this obstacle.

And it makes your whole body burn because you know this will be the last morning you wake up to him.

Quietly, you get out of bed. There’s still some coffee in the pot when you arrive in the kitchen. You’re not sure how old it is so you pour it down the sink and make a new one. After you pour yourself a mug you’re sitting at the dining table hoping the smell of coffee will wake him up. It does. A couple minutes pass and he’s sauntering down the hall. He catches you sitting and forgoes the coffee and rests across from you.

You can’t look at him. At his face. So, you stare down at the liquid in your mug.

“I never loved someone like you. All your past and all your faults, I understood and continued to focus on the you now.”

He leans forward on the chair, trying to calm his increasingly beating heart.

You continue, “But it seems you couldn’t do the same for me.”

His eyes are glossy and he tilts his head, looking at you intently trying to convey that he knows this is bad. This sounds like it’ll be bad.

“No, I love you, it was a mistake that I will never make again.”

“But it happened, Five. I don’t understand why but it did, and I won’t stay to see it happen again.” This time you meet his gaze and hold it. His eyebrows are furrowed.

“You don’t believe me when I say I’ll never do it again?”

You hate the way he looks so dejected. But you have to stand your ground, you have to pick yourself up after he knocked you down.

“I can’t bring myself to fully believe you won’t and that is enough of a reason for me, Five. I don’t want to stick around and continue to feel like this and maybe me leaving will help you realize what you really want, Five.”

He shakes his head, “I always want you.”

“If that was true then you wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with someone other than me.” You stand up, no longer feeling comfortable so close to him. As you walk to put your mug in the sink you turn around, “Maybe in another lifetime you never cheated and I never left, but here, now, things are different. I hope you find what you truly want.”

You enter the kitchen and have to stand against the counter, head towards the ceiling to fight back your tears. It takes you three minutes to calm down. When you head back to the bedroom Five is still sitting, staring emptily out the window, but as you briskly pass him he watches you until your further down the hall.

Another hour passes until your back in the living room with all your belongings packed, waiting by the door. Five gets up with the realization that this is happening. This is goodbye. You adjust the purse strap on your shoulder, suddenly awkward.

He stays where he is, but asks, “Is there really nothing that’ll make you stay?”

You shake your head, “I’m staying at a friends while I look for an apartment… I really think this is what needs to be done, Five. I don’t regret loving you, but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t leave.”

He stares at you, not hiding the fact he’s crying, and says, “Can I at least hug you?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t wait so he’s already around you by the time you finish. It’s tight and his hand is on the back of your head. You tentatively place your hands on his back. You need this too. When he lets you go you move to pick up your bags, wiping a stray tear.

“I’ll be come back tomorrow for Cat,” you both glance at Cat sitting on the windowsill. You suddenly realize how lonely Five will be, “Unless you want to…I don’t know-”

“I’ll take care of him.”

“Five, I-”

“Please? He’ll be good company.”

And he’s the last thing I have of you.

“Sure, why not. I’ll miss him like crazy, though.”

“You can always come and visit.”

You give him a look, knowing what he really means, and he comes up behind you to open the door seeing as your hands are full.

There are no more words shared between you two as you leave. The silence engulfs Five after he closes the door.

***

Later that night as you put clothes away in the dresser of the guest room at Caroline’s place, Five gets in bed and observes the ring on your bedside table.

It’s the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes and thinks of what was and what should’ve been. 

[kuroch-rry]

Afraid of Change

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader

Warnings: Angst, implied smut, cheating, reader is an angel, a lot of relationship stuff is left out, (he really really loves you, he’s just stupid), this is just a snippet of the toughest part of their relationship.

Word Count: 4.0k

A/N: My very first five fic! I haven’t written in a while so keep that in mind lol.

Afraid of Change Alternative Ending

***

It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.

The thought of being fine has always been empty words to you, not meaning the most. But as you step into the elevator and press the worn down button of the fifteenth floor all you can do is pray. Pray to whoever will listen that, yes, you will be fine.

You’re not sure when the suspicion rose within your mind, but recently it’s been all your thoughts. When you’re falling asleep and right when you’re waking up. As you walk down the hallway, twenty steps until the door, you hold onto the ring that rests on your right middle finger. You never had the confidence to put it on your left hand or even your ring finger, in case he’ll notice. It’s a constant reminder of what was and what should’ve been.

“It’s a placeholder for the real thing. One day, I promise…”

You’ve never been one for confrontation and honestly the second you unlock the door you might not dive into it. And that’s what happens when you close the door and put your belongings on the dining table. The urge to say something about what you are so sure of dissipates the longer you stand in place. I have to hear him say it…a slip up. And then I’ll find the courage. Is what you say to yourself to fight back your nerves.

You quickly go for the cabinet and fill a cup of water for yourself. As you sip you can hear rustling of paper down the hall, near the bedroom. In his study as always. You’re sure that he knows your home, but despite that you stand near the doorframe. You see his back and the rapid scribbling he’s doing. Your eyes immediately drift to the glass of whiskey to his left. And then the bottle, half empty, close by.

Always drinking. Always tipsy.

You clear your throat. “Have you had dinner?”

Without a flinch to your voice, seeing as he could hear your breathing from behind him since you got there, he raises the glass. “It’s right here.”

Jesus.

You’ve never liked staying in his study. (Not like he also enjoyed it…since he’s a workaholic and needs absolute silence.) You can’t help but step inside and stand near the bookcase and distract yourself with not really reading the titles. You distract yourself with the differentiating heights of the books. You picked up on distracting yourself a lot these days.

He sighs. “I’m working on something very important here and I need you to-” another sigh, “Did you want something?”

This makes you turn your head towards him. He’s not even looking at you. Still making markings on countless papers.

“No, not really.”

With that you make your way back into the hall, towards the bedroom. The first thing you notice is that your side of the bed is still unmade. Something about waking up by yourself this morning made you rush to get to work earlier than usual. You distract yourself with getting ready for bed. It’s not even late, barely past eight, but you have to do something. You think taking a shower first is better. As you undress and dip your hand into the rushing water to test the temperature, your eyes find their way to all his things in the bathroom. To his toothbrush, his pair of glasses lying on the porcelain of the sink, and to his towel hanging next to yours.

God, I’ve never been good with distractions when it comes to him.

And as if the shower isn’t the best place to get lost within yourself.

While you stand under the downpour you think of three months ago.

“I’ve always liked you best this way.” Five said from his place by the dresser. Hands in both of his pant pockets. Glasses on the bridge of his nose and hair in disarray.

“What way?” You glanced curiously up from your spot in bed, back against the headboard, and a small book with collections of poems in your hands.

“Like this,” he made his way to you, “Wearing just a comfy t-shirt, in bed, and focused on something you like.” As he sat by your feet your cat jumped up from the other end and came to stay right by your side. “I guess he likes it too.” He said, resting a hand on your leg that was under the blanket.

A playful grin makes its way on your face. “Why is the lack of clothes I’m wearing the first thing you mention?”

His hand continued to move up your body and you finally noticed how close he had gotten. He leaned to kiss you before leaning dangerously closer besides your ear.

“You better get the cat off the bed.”

Your brought back by the sound of a shampoo bottle slipping off the edge of the tub, sliding by your feet. You bend to pick it up and put it back. You think nothing else as you continue to shower.

After about ten more minutes your wrap a towel around yourself. The mirror is quite fogged up but you don’t wish to see yourself anyways. The clothes you change into are cozy and entirely your own. (You used to have a habit of stealing Five’s shirts…but is it technically stealing if you buy them for him since he can’t be bothered?) You do what you need to do to finish getting ready for bed and you finally step back into the bedroom. You see your cat is already curled up sleeping but instantly comes to when you get in.

You instinctively run a hand over him and find yourself smiling as he purrs. “How was your day Cat? Hope you did a lot of people watching from the window. I know you love that.” You whisper in case Five can hear you and interrupt his work. You sink deeper into the sheets and rest your head on the pillow. As you stare another memory floods over you.

“Five, I’m giving you the responsibility of naming him.”

He grunted in protest from the dining table. He watched you on the couch holding the rescue in your arms. You looked up from rubbing the cat’s belly and waited. Nodding your head in confirmation that he has to name him. Swinging one leg over the other, he said, “Cat.”

You laughed, “Yes, Five, I know he’s a cat.”

“No, silly. I’m naming him Cat.”

You gave an incredulous look in reply. With that he got up and before entering the kitchen he said, “You know I like to keep things simple. Cat is the simplest.”

You looked down to Cat while you heard Five opening the fridge. You weren’t even mad, in fact you found it funny. “Cat you’ll be then.”

After that you fell asleep with your hand resting on Cat’s back.

***

In the morning you wake up later than you normally allow yourself to. Cat is nowhere in sight, so you assume he’s in the living room waiting for breakfast. You look over and the other side of the bed is exactly how you found it yesterday. This annoys you slightly. You stand up and stretch your back out before heading to feed Cat. You hear Five talking to himself as you pass the study. He definitely didn’t get any sleep. You ignore this and focus on Cat. He’s exactly where you thought you’d find him, waiting by the window in the living room.

After two minutes, you gently place his new food on the floor and start making yourself breakfast. You need something comforting right now, so you make your favorite blueberry pancakes. After you’ve set your plate you take in that you made enough for two. Despite all your worry and suspicions you grab another plate.

You walk plate in hand and you’ve even got a smaller dish with syrup in the other. You knock, even though the door was already somewhat open, and wait for his response. He doesn’t and you can’t take standing out there any longer so you push inside. He doesn’t say anything in protest so you continue. You’re already annoyed with him for not sleeping so you don’t say a word as you place the food down on the emptiest part of the desk. You leave as quietly as you came in.

You don’t have to be at work today so you contemplate what your supposed to do all day. Being home doesn’t feel inviting, even if Cat’s there. He probably doesn’t need something from you for a while anyways since he already ate. You’ve come to the decision to get yourself coffee first, not Five’s coffee, so you quickly change and say goodbye to Cat before heading out.

There’s a quaint café a couple blocks from your apartment and it happens to be the only place that you can get a decent drink without regretting it after a few sips. You hear the bell above you and the friendly getting from the young barista behind the counter. You and a few other people, studious college students, contain the café. Which you appreciate because a rowdy coffee shop doesn’t sound pleasing right now. You greet back, order your usual, and take a seat at an empty table for two. Observing the table next to yours you realize it’s the same spot you met up with a college friend at weeks ago. You sigh at the memory.

“So, I’ve been dying to hear all about this boyfriend of three years.” She exclaimed full of excitement at the thought of your love life. The pastry she ordered left to cool in front of her.

“You wasted no time, Caroline.”

“Of course not! All I’ve gotten is a couple posts on Instagram about you two. And those don’t provide the details I’m looking for!”

You grin, “And what details are you looking for exactly?”

“Your sex life. Obviously.”

You snap your head around the café and feel a tad bit relieved nobody cared enough to eavesdrop. “Jesus, Caroline, my sex life?” You whisper the last part, embarrassed.

“Yes, I’ll tell you all about mine but you need to go first.”

“Why must I go first?” You mutter, but ultimately give up. It’s not something you want to share but maybe you’ll feel lighter. “Actually, it hasn’t been as good as it used to be.”

She reached a hand across the table, not grabbing yours, but it’s a sign she’s there and listening.

You noticed this and prepared yourself. “It’s been a little over two months since the last time.”

“Seriously? Is it you, or…”

“It’s him. I mean I’m not a prude and I’m up for it, but he’s been especially busy with his job recently, taking business trips, and whenever we’re at home it’s not like he’s shown any sign of wanting to.” You found your empty cup the thing you decided to stare at, not wanting to see the look on Caroline’s face.

She called you by your nickname, voice with concern. “So, you’ve been just left to your own devices?”

“God! I am not going to talk about that, Caroline.” You shift in your seat uncomfortably.

“Okay, okay. But I can’t help but think…” She glances down at her uneaten pastry before meeting your eyes again. So she’s thinking the same thing that’s been clouding your brain.

“I don’t know, but everything was fine a couple months ago and suddenly he’s different. Not as affectionate, even though he barely was in the beginning anyways, and I just feel like an afterthought to him lately.” You take a deep breath. “I don’t want to even fathom the idea that he’s cheating on me, but those business trips? He’s particularly distant and snappy when he’s back. I mean he’s always had a temper but he would apologize to me after. Now when he lashes out on me, for stupid things by the way, he just locks himself in his study. We barely talk.” You felt on the verge of tearing up, but you just breathed out shakily.

Caroline went to hold your hand this time. “Anything else you noticed?”

You nodded. “One time when I did the laundry, his suit jacket smelled like perfume. It was faint and I caught a whiff when I went to put it in, but I smelled it again and it wasn’t mine. I swear to God, I know every perfume I have and nothing comes close.” You felt this striking warmth in the middle of your chest. You just kept breathing in hope it went away.

“You have to ask him. I’ve dealt with cheaters before and you have to get his ass for it. Now.”

You cry, “Caroline, it’s not easy for me! I want to, I really do, but I’m so scared. If it’s true I don’t know what I’ll do. I love him. He’s…he’s the only one I’ve ever given all my love to.”

She gives your hand a quick squeeze.

“But if he’s cheating, you’ll leave him right?”

You’re back at the almost empty café. You get up, deciding that drinking your coffee is better off anywhere but here.

***

Afternoon is when you get back to the apartment. Your legs tired of aimlessly walking for hours. Stopping here and there at stores and the park, but nevertheless tired. Putting your jacket on the hook and not forgetting to give some attention to Cat, you hesitantly walk down the hall. Peaking into his study you find it empty. Confused, you ears pick up the noise coming from the bedroom. You enter and see Five packing a small suitcase.

“Where are you going?” You lean on one side of your body, anxious.

He looks briefly at you before putting more of his things together. “Business trip.”

That warmth from weeks ago creeps back in your chest.

“Again? But you had one last week.” You can’t help the small amount of bite that goes with what you said. Five stops and turns to face you. “It’s work. I have to go.”

“It’s just that they’ve never been this close to each other.”

He scoffs, “Well if you have so much of a problem with it then call and complain to them. Not me.” He zips the suitcase and walks past you. He’s wearing the same suit you smelled perfume on. You stand there, taking your deep breaths, before following after him.

“Five.”

He’s in the study, putting paperwork together in a briefcase. You’re going to pretend that he didn’t hear you, so you call again. “Five.”

“What.” He sounds uninterested and that damn striking warmth won’t leave you. You want to ask. You want to blurt it out and demand an answer. He’s still moving about with determination and the question almost, almost, goes back inside of you. But you don’t want to be the girl that doesn’t even bother. The girl that ignores it.

“Are you cheating on me, Five?” You don’t say it with much confidence, but you still say it. He pauses for a moment, jaw tight, before zipping the briefcase and standing before you.

“What makes you come to that conclusion?” He’s looking down on you, and god, it makes you angry.

“That’s not a denial, Five.”

“Christ. I’m not having this conversation because I’m not cheating on you.” He looks antsy, like he wants to leave this apartment this second, but he makes no moves. He’s not looking at you anymore and you stay silent. What can you say? All you think about is why didn’t he say that in the first place? Why not deny it the second after you said it?

Why isn’t he angry you even accused him?

“I’m running late. We’ll talk when I get back.”

With that, he goes past you yet again and you stand in the study even after you hear the door close.

You think that it’s all the pent up frustration from all this that you release your tears. You don’t make a big fuss, not a sound, just noiseless crying. You hug yourself while you return to the bedroom. You curl up in bed facing away from everything that reminds you of Five.

You stare at the wall ahead and it’s when you hear Cat coming and jump up to lay by you that your crying becomes noiseless.

***

His business trips typically last three to four days, but what makes you flinch is when you hear the apartment door open. It’s only been one day since he left. You’ve stayed in bed, on your side, the whole time. Only getting up to feed Cat and take a long shower. You don’t bother moving. Only listening to the footsteps and the creaking of the bedroom door being pushed open. He wordlessly sits by your feet near the edge of the bed. It’s all so familiar and it makes you feel sick. He doesn’t say anything.

“Why are you here?” You break the silence first.

“I’ve done some thinking. I thought it would be best to come back.” He sits not facing you, elbows on his knees. You really can’t bring yourself to look at him.

“What have you been thinking?”

“Her name is Nora. She works in another department.” You find his words have guilt clinging onto them.

“Did you meet her while you were away?”

You’re still staring at the wall. Too calm for his liking.

“Yes. A long time ago, but things…escalated a few months ago.”

You shut your dried out eyes and sniffle. That anger came back within you instantly. “Months? Did you ever think to stop? That you have a girlfriend at home?”

“Of course, I never wanted it to happen for this long. Or at all, but work has been insanely stressful-”

You sit up, in complete disbelief, and you ignore the way your body hurts from being in the same position for hours. “For fucks sake, Five! You think that’s an excuse? I’m right here, always have been for you!”

He snaps his head towards you. “No, I know it’s not an excuse! And I’ve always thought about you and guilt has been eating away at me. I just…I can’t justify what I did, but I have no plans on seeing her ever again. I love you, I always will. I’m just always jumping way too far into things and I lost my way.”

He inches closer not sure how you’d feel, so he still gives space. “All I can hope is that you forgive me. It’s the worst thing I could’ve done and I did it. I’m sorry.”

You hear his apology, but it remains unimportant right now. “Am I not enough? You say you love me and that you wanted to stop but when you’re here I don’t feel loved, Five. We don’t even act like a couple anymore. I’m a roommate basically. I do things for you and get shit in return.”

He shut his eyes in shame before focusing back on you and running a hand through his hair. God, you hate him.

“I know. I know I’ve been terrible but it’s because I’m so mad with myself. I’m mad I didn’t ignore her like how I do to everyone else. I’m angry I didn’t come to you. I hate that I made you feel unloved, but you’re the first relationship I’ve had that I wanted to hold onto forever. I’m so sorry.”

It’s then that he takes attention to the fact that your ring is no longer on your finger, but on the bedside table instead.

His eyes widen slightly before his entire being just goes slack. “Are you going to leave me?”

You don’t answer and lie back down. He doesn’t urge a response from you, assuming you’ve heard enough and need space. Five watches you reach for Cat before making his way to his study, closing the door behind him.

You just need to think.

***

It takes you approximately two hours to come to an answer. You know you’re better than this. Deserve more than this. But you’ve never had luck with boyfriends, they never felt right to you. There’s just something about him that makes you not want to imagine a future that doesn’t have him in it.

You’ve always been afraid of change.

And leaving him would change the entire world.

You didn’t talk to him the rest of the night and fell asleep alone, but when you wake up the next morning he’s there sleeping on his side. That’s what seals the deal. The way the morning sun peaks through the curtains, leaving a glow around him. To his long eyelashes, his messy bed head, the way he grumbles in his sleep…you’re suddenly reminded of all the good in your relationship. The time spent before this obstacle.

That’s all it is. An obstacle. And you want to get through this. You won’t leave unless he tells you to. You hope that he’s just as afraid of change as you.

Because you think to yourself that there’s probably no one who will love him the way you do. Nobody who will love him enough to forgive a slip up. God, you’re so in love with him. You’re love is what makes you stay.

Quietly, you get out of bed. There’s still some coffee in the pot when you arrive in the kitchen. You’re not sure how old it is so you pour it down the sink and make a new one. After you pour yourself a mug you’re sitting at the dining table hoping the smell of coffee will wake him up. It does. A couple minutes pass and he’s sauntering down the hall. He catches you sitting and forgoes the coffee and rests across from you.

“I’m not leaving, Five,” you say gently, “I never deserved this and I don’t want to be in a relationship where I ever felt so betrayed. But right now I don’t want to leave, I want to resolve this. With you.”

His eyes are glossy and you notice this. You’ve seen Five cry once before and it’s on the edge of happening again. His voice is low and meek.

“You’re so good. You always have been and who am I to take that for granted. I’ve done the worst to you and you forgive me. You want to fix this,” a tear descends, “There’s something wrong with me but you see right passed that. I will do anything to make this better. I swear to God I never want you to feel less than, not enough.”

He tentatively places his hand on the table, silently begging you take it. When you do he continues. “She never meant a thing, it was an emotionless act, and I will repay you like my life depends on it. I love you. I’d save the fucking world over and over again just so I don’t lose you. I will never do this to you again.”

He’s full on crying and witnessing it causes you to tear up. You’ve never heard him so serious and you know he means everything. You’re so weak for him it breaks your heart.

He shakily takes a breath, trying to calm himself, and reaches into his pocket. Not letting go of your hand. If anything he’s gripping onto it for dear life. With his other hand he opens his palm to reveal your promise ring. He meets your eyes and silently asks. Can I? You nod. He grabs your hand, reluctantly letting go of the other, and puts it on your ring finger. You take awareness of the matching on he wears.

He stands and tenderly pulls you to your feet as well. He’s wrapping himself around you, one hand on the back your head, stroking your hair. His head rests on top of yours.

“I promise to never take you for granted ever again. I promise to be better. And I promise you are the only one I’ll ever look at, I’ll ever love.”

His shirt has become wet and you glance down to see Cat waiting patiently for his food.

You pull away and reach up to look at him. He waits no longer to kiss you. He’s holding you tight.

You’re afraid of change and you know now that he is too.