hi. good evening. it's my best bro mike's birthday, or was on the 30th (it's well past midnight here now), and yes i'm drunk as has been the case most times i've posted here for all of 2022. i had a good time tonight, mike taught a group of us about league of legends lore since he's been invested in it for a long time and never told us anything about it until more recently. i value that.
this year has been weird and bad. our friend lex died of suicide at the end of june and everything has been extra off kilter ever since then. in my time away from tumblr for the past year-plus, i've spent most of my online life in a discord server of just eight people who've all known each other since 2019 at the latest, if not 2016 as the average or 2013 at the oldest, and losing one of those eight is uh, pretty world-wrecking. it's part of why i'm very drunk right now. i have an addictive personality and genetics, but also, i think alcohol abuse is a normal and sympathetic part of grief. it's come up a lot since the end of june.
i haven't missed tumblr for anything other than visuals in the past year. i do miss being casually exposed to new art, whether in the form of aesthetic posts about 90s performance art or recent low-budget movies or insta posts by strangers with similar tastes. so i might be coming back soon for those sakes. i don't know yet if it'll be on this account or the new one i made at the beginning of this year, planning to come back to tumblr before i got overwhelmed by fear of the embedded terfism here.
i'm just under a month short of two years on testosterone now. it's been a very good choice, and every day i'm relieved that i didn't let the womanhoodposting on here prevent me from pursuing it. just today i found an overlong hair in the middle of my left cheek, indicating that sometime soon my sideburns will join up with all my chin hairs and then maybe sometime after that i'll have a real beard. i'm happy about that. i like being a man.
next week i'm going to disneyland, as a delayed birthday trip, because june in anaheim is too hot. i've struggled a lot with how i feel that over the course of 2020 i lost the very characterizing investment i had in theme parks as something inspirational and expressive of a broader human urge to make good, sweet, transporting things. i still don't know what to replace that investment with; it's hard, still, ever since 2020, to feel like anything on earth is genuinely good. i don't have anything that i feel i can make fawning posts about the depth and meaningfulness of, even after replacing my theme park interest with kpop. which of course causes bouts of creative rut and insecurity about my kpop fic production; it feels like i have nothing to Say, the way i used to, about relationships with those fics. i'm on a pseudo-break right now from my rpf twitter because i just hate everything i've ever produced. but that's not really a fair outlook. i think that continuing to create even when you aren't sure what you're trying to say can be valuable; others can read an intent or politic into what you express even if you didn't intend it. i think it's not really my fault that pandemic trauma and then, more recently, grief trauma, have left me disconnected from what i might Truly Mean when i create things. but idk.
idk if anyone who was following me last year even cares! but it's good to just sort of write this out. i had a brief bout, in may and june of this year, of writing out my feelings in this way as journal entries on gaiaonline, because our friend prin encouraged a bunch of us in that eight-person, now seven-person, discord to join. it was satisfying. but i slipped out of the habit of logging into gaia after lex passed because i haven't been able to shake the feeling of wishing that lex had joined, that lex had gotten to indulge in making avatars that suit their tastes, because i think they would have been the best at it out of all of us. they had style, they had aesthetic cohesion. i don't know.
i'm unsure when or if i'll ever return to gaia, so here's my journal entry. a good portion of you endured my humiliatingly ultra-confessional posts for years and years before now, so i won't be too apologetic about this post. hi. idk if i'm back. but this is how i've been doing. good as an arc away from tumblr; maybe bad as a recent development. life is like that. how are you?
germansingergirl
baratheonpilled
dededos
stormborns
romaincrisis
titsay
yousharknotpass
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
