myself

not everything is black and white, in fact, my life is full of many shades of gray

[kuroshiro78]

I woke up crying

Last night I had an awful dream. I wouldn't call it a nightmare since it wasn't scary. I just felt like I couldn't do anything to make things better. In my dream, I found out that one of my old childhood friends had died. It was back in elementary school when I met Jasmine. She was a fourth grader and I was a fifth grader. I just happened to play volleyball with her during recess and then she ended up joining tennis as well. I was really good at it and she adapted quickly to it. She had as much skill as I did. In a way, I was her senior, but we didn't think of it that way since we were just kids and a year apart. She became part of my friend circle and we always had fun during tennis. That was the extent of our friendship. She was always happy and optimistic. The only times she would cry would be when she was injured. Everyone young would cry when they felt pain. There was no shame in that. She always was supportive and friendly as well. Once the school year ended, I never got the chance to say goodbye to her. I knew I wouldn't see any of my elementary school friends again. I was going to a different school district with different people. I only met her once while in Costco, but that was kind of it. We only said hi, nothing more to catch up. We were kids after all. Now, in my dream, I heard that she was killed. Murdered. She was walking with her friends, of course it was Drew (snobby violinist) and Kimberly(tennis friend) near the woods when they got kidnapped and were left stranded in the woods. Jasmine was taken and killed. They couldn't find out the culprit. I was at school when I heard. I felt lost and wondered "why again?" I knew her not for long, and we soon separated, but I asked why. I couldn't do anything about it. She was already gone. Dead. I didn't cry in my dream. I didn't think that it was real. But it was real in the dream. I was so shaken, so depressed. I saw people around my school talking about her. Talking about her like they knew her. I thought "Why are you talking about her so disrespectfully? You didn't know her. Not like I did." I wanted to tell them to stop talking. She didn't deserve those kinds of talks about her. But I didn't have the heart to speak up. I decided to handle things my own way. I started investigating. I read all the articles I could about the murder. I followed Drew and Kimberly on Instagram in hopes of finding more clues. At last, I found Jasmine's private Instagram. The username was thatonegirlfromthatoneday. I couldn't believe it. Why she would use a username like that. The worst part was, even if I tried to follow her, no one would be there to accept my request. My search almost ended there. Finally, I asked Drew and Kimberly about what happened. I could tell they were still shaken and traumatized from the incident. It turns out they made her one last Instagram account to remember the good times with her. I interrogated them, asking all I could. I ended up going to a dark house with some sort of wise but hostile bird, a parrot most likely. It was white, resembling my mom's pet cockatoo. I tried finding answers there, but the bird wouldn't give me any edge. I had to give up. There were no leads. I finally started crying. Crying at the fact there was nothing I could do anymore. I couldn't protect her, I couldn't avenge her, I couldn't even say goodbye to her one last time. I gave in to my worst fears. The fear of not being able to help. To make things better. Of course, I rarely make things right, let alone better, but the feeling of not being able to do anything is the worst. She was helpless, and I impotent. Alas, my alarm woke me up. My only savior from that terrible "nightmare". A few tears were already on my cheeks. A few more came out. And a few more dropped down. More and more. I cried silently in bed for just a little longer. Eventually I decided I shouldn't be in that vulnerable state any longer. It had been a long time since I had cried. Saddened, I went to wash my face and get ready for school. On another note: Have I ever told you that I have some sort of weird psychic powers​? Often, maybe by coincidence, my dreams come true. Other times I close my eyes and I go to a direction I feel my mind is drawn toward to find a lost item. It works very well. Maybe I'm just really good with coincidences. I wish this was just a coincidence. I really wish.

[kuroshiro78]

I can see some auras

So about 2-3 days ago (Tuesday), I was at 7th period, social studies. Ms Rehome was talking as usual about her trip to Washington which explained why she was gone for like a week (I was thinking that she was secretly dead). All of a sudden, my mind wandered off a bit and I felt a bit lax right? My vision kinda unfocused a bit and then I sorta noticed this whitish haze around the teacher. The thing is that I’ve been trying for a while to see auras (and failed) but have never done so at school.

So Ms Rehome was standing in front of the light gray screen where the projector would usually show stuff, but it was turned off. I realized that if I focused a little bit onto a certain spot, I could get the haze around her to be more noticeable. It turned to be a very light blue with a whitish silver blending with the blue. I was for some reason expecting auras to be extra bright and clear, but they’re just faint to me and if you focus very carefully, you can see a little bit of color within the background. My teacher turned out to have a light blue, or turquoise, aura which is stated as

"Turquoise: indicates dynamic quality of being, highly energized personality, capable of projection, influencing other people. People with turquoise strong point in their Aura can do many things simultaneously and are good organizers. They feel bored when forced to concentrate on one thing. People love bosses with turquoise Auras, because such bosses explain their goals and influence their team rather than demand executing their commands. Turquoise thought is a thought about organizing and influencing others.”

on this website called thiaooba. Which is very true about her since she’s kinda strict, yet fun, and her words do seem to hold power, as she’s a history teacher. I couldn’t really see other student’s auras, I got scared since this girl almost caught me staring at her. I mean, I could sorta see the girl’s aura since she was sitting near but not quite in front of the gray screen from my perspective. I couldn’t tell what color she was since I had to look away and it was hard to discern the color. This other student though, I think had a slight green aura. I’m not too sure which shade but it was definitely green. I looked back at my teacher and focused enough on the aura that it was showing more brightly and it was definitely light blue.

However, yesterday nor today was I able to see her aura as clearly as before because we watched videos on the projector in the dark yesterday and had a lockdown drill today. It's kinda awkward to stare at your teacher when you're supposed to be watching or doing something else.

That’s all I kinda have to say for my first experience. I’m definitely happy that I made progress with seeing auras, but I haven’t told anyone yet since I’m not very open to others and I’m a bit insecure about what they’ll think. I guess I’ll wait to tell someone else other than tumblr folks who just so happen to see this

[kuroshiro78]

Today was actually decent and I feel better. I talked Quentin into giving his science paper to me and I drew this on the back

[kuroshiro78]

I feel happy and less hangry now, but earlier today, I was at Luke’s basketball practice. His coach made a bet that if he made a half court shot they’d have to run 20 laps around the court so ha.

I was playing tennis against the wall at PHS, and this girl nearby with her friends came by and randomly said “wow I can’t do that.” Then she later started a ‘conversation’ with me.

“Hi. Are you on the tennis team?”

“Uh… no.”

“Well you’re really good at it. I tried out for the team but I was too slow.”

“Oh. I stopped playing in 6th grade and I'm just here...”

"What grade are you in?"

"8th."

Then it proceeded with which middle school and she said she attended the same middle school.

[kuroshiro78]

I love my dog To the most distasteful person in my life as of 11/28 (not my sister right now), The reason why I'm so obsessed with Wookie, my dog, is because he's there for me. When I wake up in the morning or come home from school, he's there. I can pet him and hug him and hold him. Even if he thinks I'm annoying, he'll continue to tolerate me and still be there. He'll be there when I'm down in the dumps, or when I'm just really happy. When I pet him, I feel happy again, or maybe happier. Even if Wookie and I fight, he'll still be there for me minutes later. He'll always be ready for belly rubs and he'll listen, even if he doesn't exactly understand, he'll hear my cries for help, and listen to my heart pouring out it's defected and flawed emotions. He just makes me feel better. Appreciate your pets. Even your imaginary ones.

[kuroshiro78]

Every part tells a different story, some are intertwined. If you couldn't tell, I love bears, especially pandas

[kuroshiro78]

Guy: Send nudes Me: k *sends cat p***ography*

[kuroshiro78]

I like him too much, but I think he might think I'm a bit mean

[kuroshiro78]

Tired

I'm tired. Not just fatigued, but... I'm sick of it. Sick of this world. I hate some of the many people around me. I'm tired of their crap. I'm nice to them and even let them borrow my belongings, but when they don't say any thanks, I put up less with their bullshit. What they say next is how much I'm rude to them. How much I don't help. How useless I am. Am I obliged to help? No. I offered you a hand once. I saw no sincerity in your eyes or heard no thankfulness. All I saw was the person thinking I'm a tool, a stepping stone, a mat to walk over with wet shoes. All I heard was your arrogance and foolish thoughts. I hate it. I'm tired of how people who will never understand me still try to figure me out. Even if I let them try to talk to me and get to know me, all I see is their own selfish thoughts, bullshit, and broken promises. It's all gone to shit. I have a decent enough life though, and I'm more fortunate than others. I won't ever think about suicide, I swear on my word. I couldn't bear to leave my loved ones, the ones who actually care for me. The ones who took the time to help me, give advice, grow with me, talk with me, share endearing memories, go through pain with me, without expecting much in return, just a simple word of gratitude. I don't turn away everyone I meet. Only people who I can tell are assholes. I hate selfish and arrogant people, the ones who always act like they're the best or better than everyone else even though they're the lowest dog in the pack. They never give credit to others who deserve it. Only to themselves. I hate it. Most people are genuine enough to make me feel like they're nice, or an average person. I can only really like those people who have a certain air to them. An understanding one. A person who knows when to back off and when to push is the one I'll like. I hate pushy people, but I also hate people who don't try enough or give an effort. The people I know and love are always there for me when I need it and always give me space at the same time. I'm complicated is what I'm saying, but the ones who know so little about this large world, took the time to understand another person's feelings and ways of thought. I appreciate those people for being there. They give you nice company and they're the kind of person you can watch clouds with, or gaze at the stars with. I thank those people who are there for me, yet I'm still sick of it all. This world is like a mix of desire, excitement, dread, hunger, and sustainment, yet what seems to hang over me is dread. I wonder why it is. These assholes make me dread my day. I go to school and stay an hour there with them each period. There are 6 school hours not including lunch and passing periods. It may not seem like a lot, but they're there for the rest of fall, winter, and spring. Every weekday. Lunch is my temporary escape where I can relax and get away from it all. I can nap, cloud watch, read, and eat during my break. It's a decent getaway. I love my weekends. I get to take a break from it all. I get to sleep in and have few worries, until it's Sunday evening and that pit of dread stays in my gut for the rest of my night. I'm tired of having to wait on these ungrateful people. Here I go, ranting on about these jackasses again. They think you're a tool but they're the ones dragging you behind. They're like leeches sucking your blood. They won't prevail in killing you most of the time, but they will waste your time and effort. I'm tired of it. I could rant on for days about what my life was and is like, but I need some sleep. There's still one more day of school until the weekend. The dreaded cross country, quizzes, and assholes. I should hit the hay. I'm tired after all, aren't I?

[kuroshiro78]

Levi has the best dogs ever. I think the dog’s name is Whiskey

[kuroshiro78]

Ken Bone 15 years from now. Feel young yet?

[kuroshiro78]

Nerve the Movie

I just watched Nerve and I definitely loved it. At first I was a bit confused on what was going on with Sydney and Vee but Ian was terrific. Got me really anxious and I sat on the edge of my seat a couple of times. The heartwarming moments really got me too. I ship Sam (Ian) and Vee.