Not Thinking Straight

Excuse her annoying thoughts and her in general.

[kylacantspeak]

To a life in a new city

The worse thing about transferring residences is not how messy and complicated carrying the things you think you need but to decide what things you have to leave behind regardless of its importance. 

The pair of 3-inch heels you used to wear in Sunday masses; the old and crumbled art works that reminds you how you used to be good at colors and art; the dead cactus your best friend gifted when you are 17; the box full of written letters and random thingamabob; even the noisy birds on your window pane every morning— things that do no worth that much but are very important to you. 

And sure, you will miss them. The heels; the art papers; the cactus; the chirping— you will look for them in every nook and cranny of the new place you went. Though you will like the new place you found, something inside you irks— something that is not there when you first came here. Something is missing, you feel. Something is messing, with your feeling.

Ah, you are homesick. You are homesick to a place you always wanted to leave.

[kylacantspeak]

Some of us just aren't made

for courage and bravery,

for pain and fear, and thorns and turns,

Or darkness and silence,

yet how all of this still weighs less

than nothingness—

Why is it so heavy to feel empty?

[kylacantspeak]

just finished streaming the music video of Over October "Sandali Lang" then being my usual curious self i tried decoding the whole point of the video so here it is:

Sandali Lang By Over October

So basically, the MV is about a guy having a hard time writing a piece — either a song or a story — and he found inspiration dun sa babaeng nakita niya sa labas. Everytime he sees the girl, he would came with ideas reason kaya nakakasulat siya hence to the lines "Hinahanap kita," "Nasaan ka?," "Punta," "Patungo," "Sayo," and so on (note: yung font ng text is parang handwritten proving that the guy is writing).

However, di alam nung lalaki na the girl noticed everything, yung paglingon sa una, pag ngiti nung pag picture, at panonood ng tv ng babae tapos yung lalaki yung pinapalabas indicated na alam ng babae. Tapos, noticed na lumipad yung papel ng lalaki dun sa babae meant na it reached her. So the girl assumed na the boy likes her, like really in love with her talaga. She is overwhelmed with that and the MV used imagery: bed full of letters and the emotions portrayed by the girl while reading them. So the girl wanted the guy to confessed or parang diretsuhin siya.

The video shows na they met, the girl confronted the boy and nag kaaminan, so they live happily every after na. HOWEVER, at the end, it shows na the guy just woke up. It means it never happened. Pero hindi siya panaginip nung guy, it was girls imagination or dream. Pansin niyo na dun sa parang flashbacks (3:19-3:24), puro yung babae lang diba and lahat yun pinapakita na yung babae lang talaga yung lumilingon, nakakaalam, nagassume.

The guy never really like her the way everyone of us thought. Na kahit yung babae, akala niya lang rin. So, it is really about people who waited for someone who shown them intentions and promised them love but at the end, they were never sure or worse, not genuine at all. Kaya rin siguro yung lyrics ng kanta, "Sandali lang bakit ka umalis, kung sino pang nangakong magmamahal hanggang huli."

[kylacantspeak]

wanna share this story I wrote when I was 16 and my inspiration for this is my fear of turning 17 and getting pregnant lol

Mirage

As soon as Agatha steps out on her room, murmurs and accusal stares of every individual welcomes her yet, she chose to raise her chin up and bravely walks at the hallway. A small tug in her uniform snatch her attention and a smiling face of a cute little kid greeted her. She realize that It is a lovely morning for her and she will not let anyone ruin it especially that she is with her child. At the age of 17, Agatha is already a mother, the reason why every eyes is glaring at her, why every mouths talking about her and why every one is judging her. It is sad but she is used to it.

She is walking hand in hand with her child as she roams her eyes around the place she recognized as school. The hallway is full of teachers with their spotless white uniforms and their hair are neatly grouped at the back of their heads.

Different students wearing the same blue dresses. Some are laughing, others are crying and there are few just staring ahead, emotionless.

A teacher went to her. “Ms. Agatha, I need to bring you to the office.” And slowly holds her arms and guide her.

They continued walking until finally she had reached her destination- the principal’s office. She looked down at her child that hides at her back.

“Mama, I don’t want to be there. They hate me there. They want me out.” Her frightened child whispers to her.

“Ma’am I don’t want to go there. Baby do not want to go inside. ” She tries to be freed from the hold of the teacher yet she is still able to go inside.

She is greeted by the principal wearing what she thinks is pearly-white kimono. The teacher made her sit and went outside after. Now she and her child are left alone with the principal. “Miss Agatha, are you aware why you are here?” The principal asked. Agatha just looked down at her child “You are not doing any good here, Miss. You are not even passing your tests. And we concluded that’s its because of your companion. You need to let her go now, Agatha.” Agatha began to hysteria. She do not want it. They wanted to separate her child from her. “No! You cannot take away my child to me! I will not let you! I know that I am just 17 but I can do my role as a mom properly. Please!” The principal hold her shoulders as he calmly explains everything. “But Agatha, you are not 17 anymore. You are already 20. And You didn’t give yourself a chance to see your child.” Confusion was written in Agatha’s face. She felt a pinch of pain as she reminisced her past.

She is the brightest and smartest in the class yet she do not have any friends. In school, Everyone hates her because they thought that she is so arrogant and a show-off. In her home, her parents don’t even notice her for they are so busy in their works. One day, a guy came to her and confess his feelings. It was the best moment in Agatha’s life. It’s her first time feel such love and so she willingly offered him everything. Until she got pregnant. Scared but Agatha was happy for it was a blessing. She tried to told him however he didn’t accept them. He’s in doubt if he is really the father. Confusion and anxiety filled Agatha. She didn’t know what to do. Her parent will be disappointed and she cannot continue her study anymore. So she made the biggest decision in her life. She had an abortion.

Agatha is back to the present. She looked at her child and find it full of blood while smiling at her. “No! Baby I’m sorry. Forgive me! No!” she is hysterical and shouting. She looked around and the principal she thought began to became a doctor wearing a pearly-white robe. She hurriedly run outside and the student before became patients wearing blue dress. Some are laughing, others are crying and there are just staring ahead, emotionless. The teachers began to became nurses wearing spotless white uniform and their hair are neatly grouped at the back of their heads. She continue running and once the hallway of what she thought before A school, now turns into a mental institution.

“No! I’m not crazy. It was a mistake. Forgive me.” Nurses tries to restrain her as inject her something that made her calm. Then she began laughing slowly. “Baby mama is here. Don’t be scared. I love you.”

The biggest enemy in life is not the people that judges you but the person you see in the mirror everyday - yourself. You should be strong enough to face the consequences of your actions and have the power to restrain the words that everyone is trying to throw to you for you will continue to suffer if you will let it wound and scar you. However, if you do not have the will to conquer it, it can lead to one thing: Insanity.

[kylacantspeak]

What is life for you? Theres a previous event in my life that became so significant to me as a human being and i knew that it will surely mark and will never be forgotten. That day I went home grumbling and complaining about how hard my schoolworks were. I keep on whining that im so tired and drained that i couldn’t do my household chores anymore. As if on cue my grandmother entered and told me that life is beautiful and i should cheer up. With that i realize that indeed, life is beautiful and like most of the beautiful things in this world it is hard to find and difficult to achieve. Then my concept of life was created.

For me, life is like a maze. But my life is Not just a simple maze. It is a maze full of flying daggers, hanging axes and hidden land mines that will forbid you to reach the end. It has roads that will confuse you to the right way and deceive you to take the wrong paths. It has monsters with different faces, tricking you that they are angels, fooling you that they are friends, leading you on the wrong side and blocking your way to prevent you to find your way out. It is a maze that weakling and an individual with a chicken heart will never survive and surely will give up immediately.

Me on the other hand is wearing my most favorite shoes. To the point that You’ll love to run, walk, dance and jump because it is your beloved and favored shoes but ridiculously both have gums stuck under it. It will make you uncomfortable and irritated. It will divert your attention and instead of thinking about your goal to find the door out, you’ll focus on the thing under your feet. Thats why for me, focus and priority are one of the important weapons in facing your battles. You should set your greatest importance and put your eyes on your objectives.

However, its not just about torn and broken glasses, theres a bench in it. We Human beings run out of energy too. We get tired and worn out but it is not enough reason to quit. If you get tired, rest and sit on the bench to recharge your strength but you should not stay there. You need to move and continue your journey. Always remember your goals. Breathe but never forget. Dont disregard your target to reach the end- where your family and friends awaits, holding the trophy of success.

In summary, dont lose hope. Always remember that life is absolutely hard yet it is beautiful. Instead of slacking down and surrendering, make your ordeal as your inspiration. Use your trial as a medium of your power for you to concrete your determination and perseverance like a building which cant be knock down even by the strongest natural phenomenon. Consume your nightmares as pills of strength to mold yourself into a strong and invincible warrior who can catch the most painful weapon- words and it cant even hurt him. So when you reach the end, you can now finally hold with your two hands the prize of your achievements while your love ones are cheering you. You can now sigh with relief and walk away with the experiences that made you stronger and lessons that made you wiser and no one can ever take all of it away from you.

[kylacantspeak]

Sober but Drunk

The sun is setting. Above us are flock of birds. Butts on that cold pavements. Strangers passing by. And us forgetting about the world. 

Amidst the crisis that we are facing, we still dare to go out and eat isaw. I don’t know, but suddenly, i crave, not only that tasty chicken’s intestine, the outside world itself. 

Like the last time, Reese and I sat on that familiar pavement. 

We used to sit there before. Before the college. Before adulthood. Before the responsibilities. Before everything got complicated. We sat there, being the kids we were, with Vitamilks in hands pretending they were beers. Talking about nonsense. Well, it was not really senseless at all because we on that particular moment talked about the future. Our future. But majority it was nonsense. 

Now, as we go back on that place, as we sat again on that cold cement, and as we start to open topics about the resent events in our lives, we go back as being that 16 year-olds who don’t really care about anything. But this time with pack of yakults on our side—still pretending that it was some sort of alcoholic drinks. it’s not that we are not allowed to drink, actually we are already in the legal age to be drunk, however we chose to do the usual. Maybe we don’t want to be drunk? Maybe to feel the familiarity of being a child? Or Maybe to forget how adulthood sucks? I don’t really know but one thing is for sure, we are sober but we are drunk for dreams, ambitions, passions and hopes. 

It’s funny how we used to be just kids trying to dream our future and know we are adults dreaming to be kids once again.  

[kylacantspeak]

I stop saving your pictures. Having feelings for you will be the next.

[kylacantspeak]

I still remember the first time we talked; wished I never replied.

[kylacantspeak]

They always warn us about drugs and smokes but never the ones with big brown eyes and a heartbeat.

[kylacantspeak]

I always remember you in this song. Guess you're my favorite sometimes so far.

[kylacantspeak]

Goodnight to my confuse heart. Hope, as I sleep, that growing infatuation you have will come to end.

[kylacantspeak]

Setting boundaries.

[kylacantspeak]

Maybe that’s your power. Making me weak and swoon over you—again, and again, and again, and again.

[kylacantspeak]

Oh please, don’t snatch that smiles from them.

[kylacantspeak]

I like this. This feeling of losing interest and not caring anymore.

[kylacantspeak]

Allowing him to used me. The whole me.

[kylacantspeak]

Crying for the nth time this month.