Just me writing

[kylajwrites]

Depression

Man, that shit hits you like a freight train, doesn’t it? I’ve gotten used to not feeling like the world is after me and that dying would be a better choice than living since I’ve started my medicine but today?... Today my medicine stopped working.

Wanting to cry and not being able to cry (for unknown reasons, mind you) is the worst feeling to me. I develop a headache and then everyone else makes it worse by saying ‘What’s the matter? You look sad. Are you okay? What’s wrong?’.

While I appreciate their concern, this is something I can’t describe to someone who has never dealt with it. I tried explaining it to my co-worker after she said I looked sad and I told her it was back and kicking my ass and she just goes ‘Oh.. Well, you look sad.’ All I could say was, ‘That’s what it does to a person’.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow so hopefully I won’t feel like this after tomorrow but there are no guarantees.

This moment right here is my reminder that the other shoe can drop at any given moment and right now is that moment. Anyone who is dealing with this right now, I’m sorry and I hope you start feeling better soon. I know it’s hard to see past it right now but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I’m proud of you for making it this far. Keep going for me and I promise I’ll keep going for you.

 -K

Song: Curly Martin - Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper, Ronald Bruner, Jr., Thundercat

[kylajwrites]

Untitled

I feel like I’m in an odd mood today. I can’t quite place my finger on it but everyone in the office is chit chatting but I have no desire to do so. I’m okay with being in my own lane, working on what I’m working on. I don’t really want to be spoken to or asked questions. I don’t know what to do because it feels odd. Normally I’m talking to people, pausing my work to dive into whatever conversations are going on around me… But I can’t today.

I feel tightly wound and tired. I feel like I need to go home, lay down and just be curled into myself… No noise, no physical contact… Nothing. I feel sad, too. I don’t know why. Maybe there isn’t a reason why but I am sad and just… tired and over life. I can’t fix it, I can’t pause it, I can’t walk away from my job because it’s frowned upon.

Maybe it’s the fact that my boss admitted that he has ‘spies’ in the office for when he’s not around. I could guess who at least one is but that annoyed me. If you trust your workers, why not just leave us be? As long as we’re getting shit done, there’s nothing to worry about.

He mentioned obedience. I don’t know what he thinks this is but it’s not that. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly controlled by someone because it doesn’t work well with me. It makes me want to fight against you more and I’m sure he’s already tired of me doing that now.

Him saying that keeps playing over and over in my head. I have an issue with trusting people as is so that didn’t help me at all. Now I feel like everyone in this office has their own agenda when it comes to working. They’d rather spy for him than to sit there and mind their business. Even if there’s a chance he was joking, I still believe him because that’s some shit he would do.

My work environment isn’t stressful when he’s gone. I like my job, I just don’t care for him.

I promise this will not be a work complaint blog. Just in my feelings today, babes.

Song: It Don’t Matter – Jacob Collier, JoJo

[kylajwrites]

Mental Health

I haven’t been around. Haven’t written anything… I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had anything to say or it’s because my mental health was on a downward spiral but... I’m here now, I suppose. Tuesday night, I went home so drained and lost that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like crying, I felt like screaming, I felt like fighting and none of those things I could do. My body didn’t want to move once I was in the bed.

It was odd because the day started off normal but the moment my boss walked in, I felt my energy change. It wasn’t so much that he had even said anything to me but being around him is exhausting. He’s your privileged white male republican. Struggles of others are a joke to him or their own fault because they ‘didn’t try hard enough’. He grew up with a decent life where as not everyone did. He doesn’t get that. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be on food stamps or to live paycheck to paycheck. He can buy land, build a house and sell it in a year to move somewhere closer without batting an eye.

He’s insensitive, misogynistic, racist and a narcissist. That day, he made a joke about the Corona virus and that felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I felt like walking out right then and there. Quitting my job. Leaving the people I had become familiar with because I couldn’t deal with him anymore.

My mental health feels constantly strained when I’m around him. What does one do in that situation? Look for jobs? Check. Get call backs? Uncheck. I’m in limbo because not everyone can just quit their job on the whim. I’m still processing my feelings and trying to figure what to do and how to do it.

 Advice?

-K

Song: All For Us – Labrinth, Zendaya

[kylajwrites]

Families

We all come from somewhere. That’s it. That’s the tweet. The bigger part is where. What about our surroundings and upbringing (or lack thereof) makes us who we are? Are you quick to anger because of what you’ve seen in the past? Are you timid and nervous about expressing yourself because you were always taught that children were meant to be seen and not heard? Is it the exact opposite for you?

Those are all questions that I wonder when I see people and see how they react to things. Are you stuck in who you are because you know no other way? Because you don’t want to do better or be better? What if you feel like you can’t do better? I, personally, never want someone to think that they aren’t above who their families taught them to be. If you see that your family is toxic, their teachings are toxic, don’t be afraid. Be better. Show them that just because their life was negative, it doesn’t mean you have to deal with things in the same way.

I speak from experience. Growing up, I was raised by strict grandparents who were religious. My mother was… around but she was never there. For the first 5-6 years of my life, I called her by her first name because I had no idea who she was. I didn’t have that connection to her and it seems like she didn’t have that connection to me either. I was just a child she had who had ruined her partying ways. There would be times that she would come to my grandparents house at 2 AM, smelling like alcohol. As a parent now, I could never see myself doing that to my child. The heartbreak I felt when I was older and realized she probably didn’t want me is a feeling that just can’t be explained.

For years (even to this day), she tells people that she raised me from birth. She can’t face the fact that she wasn’t there. She can’t face the fact that she is unstable and unable to raise children in love. I’m grateful for my grandparents because they made me who I am now. That type of structure is what I needed. I didn’t grow up to be overly religious but who they were as people molded me and made me aware of what was around me. I’m proud of that.

I don’t parent the way my grandparents or mother did but I’m okay with that. I take the time to listen to my child, to explain to him why he got in trouble. I believe him when he tells me things and I call him out when he’s not telling the truth or when he says he can’t tell me something. I explain to him all of the time that it’s okay to feel your emotions and it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be responsible for your actions and it’s okay to say your truth. I also remind him constantly that he won’t get in trouble if he tells us the truth or if he speaks up. We support him in all of this because it’s going to make him grow to be a better person and not someone who reeks of toxic masculinity.

-K

Song: Strength - Moonchild

[kylajwrites]

Working until you die

It’s difficult for me because I want to be appreciated at work and I want to appreciate those that work with me, but I can’t always do that. I try to make things easy for others and try to keep things fun but when your boss is constantly shitting on you, it’s hard. You want to feel like you’re doing the right thing but no... Never. If you’re not stuck in a box and working 16 out of the 24 hours, you’re obviously not doing it right. Maybe it’s my age and generation but I don’t believe in committing every single waking hour to a job... Especially when it’s not something I’m passionate about.

They always say choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. How does one do that? Money must be made, bills must be paid. I can’t just take off for a few years to get what I love off the ground. College degrees won’t always help… You also must have skills in what you love or else, no one will look your way. I’m beyond frustrated that I want to do something specifically, but I can’t at this moment. That’s what this is for. To release the desire to write but also to keep myself sane. This wasn’t meant to be a rant, or a cry for help… I just needed to release the demons before it got the best of me and I lost it.

-K

Song: Money (with Tom Misch) by Michael Kiwanuka

[kylajwrites]

Love

Let’s take some time to let that word sink in. Love… what is it? Is it the feeling you get when someone saves your thesis papers from flying away? Is it the feeling you get when your younger sibling hugs you of their own accord? Is it the feeling you get when the person you care about says those three special words for the first time?

Yes.

It’s all of those.. Or it could be none of those. Depending on who you are and how you process things, of course. Some have felt it once, some have felt it multiple times and some have never felt it at all. What’s that saying? It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I guess. Maybe. I have love on many levels. I love my best friend who relates to me like no other and who gasses me even though I know it’s not true. I love my wife because she takes care of me, is patient and takes off my shoes when I’m too lazy to do so. I love my son because… he’s himself. Unstoppable, loud, excited, emotional, silly.. A child that a grew and birth but his own person. All of these loves are so different but so special to me because it teaches me something with every interaction.

Every love I have warms my heart and I’m appreciative of it.

Thank you to those that I love and that love me back.

-K

Song: Feel (feat. Lianne La Havas) Jacob Collier

[kylajwrites]

The first post

I’ve wanted to do this for a while. I can’t lie and say a lot of things have stopped me. The only thing that has stopped me… yeah, you guessed it, myself. So, here we are. My therapist tells me every time I see her ‘Kyla, you should write. Write in a journal, do a blog. Doesn’t matter. Do it. You’re talented.’ And I look at her like she’s crazy. Putting words to a paper? Me? Talented. Nah. I’ve always felt like I was average at everything and anything I did so to feel like there might be a future in something as enjoyable as writing? That’s crazy talk.

Either way, this is a documentation and expression of my journey into writing. Figuring out who I am and what I want to do with this since it brings me some sort of relief. Not that anyone would care but… am I doing this for anyone other than myself? No. So… here we go.

I’m not 100% sure what my first post should be about but … I feel like rambling is a good way to start it. Just kind of typing what feels right and then going from there. Seeing if it leads me to be inspired or motivated to do more. I’m always happy to take suggestions as well. ‘Oh, Kyla. Tell me about the first time you hit a pole when driving’. Those kinds of things… though, again, my insecurity will lead me to believe that no one will be interested. Maybe not yet… but, at some point maybe I’ll get a couple of followers and start to feel a little better about this whole thing.

We’ll see.

Song: when the party’s over – billie eilish.