It’s been a really long time. I miss updating here. I miss updating in general. It’s been a really REALLY hard 2 years for me guys. and 2020 really is a huge turn around for me. I know a lot of people say that. but like it’s more true for me this year than it ever has been before. January feels long to me too but it felt like a whole new world opened up for me. During 2018 I went through my first break up. In the aftermath, I struggled A LOT with my self worth and image. I wasn’t good enough for my ex. He was better than I was. These were lies that ate me up inside for a long time. I definitely made some big mistakes. I have so many regrets. Part of me wishes 2019 never happened. But because it did happen, my life is changed. I feel more kindness and compassion towards those struggling with sin, and those wrestling with God in their hearts. I spent 2019 running away from God, beating myself up emotionally, trying with all my might to turn around and go back to Him. I felt Him calling me back home, felt Him COMING AFTER me, pursuing me while I was fleeing from Him. He loves me so much, and I knew it then and I know it now. I am so grateful that His love is everlasting and His provision is without measure. Near the end of 2019, I had opened up to some friends about my problems. I had a friend (maybe not the best influence) convince me that “if you’re going to meet with men, at least get on an app like hinge where the quality of men is a bit higher.” that day, we sat in my car and made an account. While I couldn’t find more than 2 photos of myself to upload, we decided to make my account live anyway. That meant I could be liked, but I couldn’t send any likes. While she is still showing me how to access my messages on the app, I get a notification. “___ has liked your answer!” Sure enough, a guy had liked my comment about watching gametheory on youtube. We started chatting. He seems really nice. his profile says he’s everything I’m looking for. All we need now is to meet and see if we vibe. less than a week later we set up a date. He’s so much taller than I expected and much more handsome irl. We go to an arcade, which was really fun as an alternative to just “meeting at a bar”. I was so nervous. I was positive he hated me, because he didn’t show his emotions on his face. But then he walked me to my car. We said goodnight. I smiled up at him. And he (ever so slowly and sweetly) kissed me. If I wasn’t into it, I knew I could back up. He didn’t hold me, I didn’t feel unsafe. I was nervous that my lips were a bit too dry, but he didn’t seem to mind. Turns out, that was his very first kiss. He told me later, “I just felt such a connection with you. I knew I wanted to see you again and I was willing to give you my first kiss even if I didn’t. Also you looked like you really wanted it.” Which is totally right I definitely wanted him to kiss me. I wanted confirmation that I wasn’t the only one feeling the sparks between us. But if I had known it was his first, I would have been terrified to take it. Because it was far from my first. A fact I told him on our second date. I admitted that I had had a really rough year. I had made some mistakes. I was honest with him, and I told him if he was no longer interested in pursuing something with me, then I understood. He considered it for a while in silence. I felt bad... like I had lead him astray, like I made him think I was something I wasn’t. but he finally said “No, I really want to keep seeing you. and see how this goes. I think I can look past your mistakes and forgive you, it just might take some time.” now if you’re a feminist you’re screaming. I am not a feminist. I told him I was apologizing and repenting of these mistakes. If he couldn’t forgive me for them then we couldn’t be together. He and I are on the exact same page. He has since forgiven me a lot. He is still jealous sometimes. But he also knows that I would give him everything I ever gave to someone else, and then some if it helped him trust me. And he has never asked. He has set all of our physical boundaries and has pursued godliness even when I said he didn’t have to. He is the most wonderful beautiful amazing man. And I am so so lucky to be with him. God brought him to me in the midst of my sin. In my rebellion. Since we began dating, I haven’t met with new strangers, I haven’t even considered it. He sat with me while I went through my phone and said goodbye to the people I had been investing my time in this past year. While letting go of good people who always cared about my well-being right from the start was so hard. I cried for a few of them. Some didn’t take it very well. I was yelled at a few times. But in the end, I finally felt FREE of my guilt and my shame. I am so glad I gave my boyfriend permission to ask me to get rid of these people in my life. He prayed over it and made the right decision. He is showing me how to love and value myself everyday, by loving me and valuing me every day. We are desperately in love and we can’t wait to get married. We both keep bringing it up accidentally, but we agreed it’s not really an if but a when. Not even a when because we want it to happen next summer, 2021. Maybe it’s super dangerous to just hand my heart over to this man right away. But things fell into place SO readily. There is no doubt in my heart that God brought us together perfectly at the right time. I am in the best relationship of my life. I hope and pray that it lasts forever.