My World

The world of a budding author and musician.

[kylatreblecleff]

It's been about 3 months since I got married. We've moved to another state. We just put in an offer on our first house, and the offer was accepted. We are really on our own, our own family. We are creating our life and future together.

It's 4am and I can't sleep. You have work tomorrow so I won't wake you up even though I thought I heard something impossible and now I'm too scared to sleep. Instead I focus on your shadow in the darkness and try to will my eyes to become catlike and reveal your sleeping face to me. It doesn't work, so my mind imagines what I know your face to be. And my heart swells with how much I love you. I wonder if this feeling will last? In twenty years will I lay sleepless beside your gentle snore, trying desperately to see your face? Wishing I could snuggle up to you, kiss your cheek, hold your hand? It feels like the answer is no. Someday I will be too tired to seek you during the wee hours of the morning. Someday I will grow weary of your behaviors, and I won't seek you out. Someday you'll grow tired if me too, and find my antics annoying. But so far, that hasn't happened. I still want you every moment, if I'm not touching you I want to be. And in order to keep things that way, I'm going to keep on focusing on how much I want you, how special and wonderful you are to me. I won't worry about the future. I will enjoy every present moment with you. If I can do that now, I can do it forever. One sleepless night at a time.

[kylatreblecleff]

I haven’t been writing

I haven’t been writing. Not only not here, but anywhere. I mean to, but I don’t.

Why am I not writing? My stress is through the roof and I’m going through some of the craziest times of my whole life, plus there’s this global pandemic and voter fraud thing everybody keeps talking about.

I’m not writing because I am too busy. I am too busy with planning a wedding. I am too busy teaching in person classes, as well as eLearning lessons. I am too busy moving to a new apartment. I am too busy figuring out dental insurance and finding where money for a root canal will come from. I am too busy with registration and renewal of my license plates.

I am too busy to write.

But I need to write. I feel it as deeply as one feels hunger pains, or the ache of grief and pain, I feel the need to write anything, everything. I need to write so bad it is spilling out into my conversations, slipping into wordy messages to loved ones.

How silly it is, saying one is too busy to write, when writing is how one’s soul stays alive. What does it mean to busy oneself with business and planning when none of it has any life in it? 

I don’t need to right playlist.

I don’t need the right moment of peace and quiet.

I don’t need the right coffee shop.

I just need to write.

I need to write anything.

[kylatreblecleff]

I hate yoga.

I hate yoga.

I hate how I feel when I can’t do a certain stretch or pose.

I hate how I feel when my tummy, my thighs, are too big for me to contort myself into simple positions.

I hate how huge yoga makes me realize I am.

I hate how my body is right now; inflexible; bloated; stiff; sore; weak.

I hate my body so much -

that I do yoga even though - 

I hate yoga.

So that maybe someday,

I won’t hate myself.

[kylatreblecleff]

I just feel so shitty. I am human garbage. I am worthless. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am unreliable. I am selfish. My head, my heart, what my eyes see of myself in the world, tell me this.

So how did I find love? How did I find the best best friend in the world? How come there are people who love me at my worst?

It’s something I can’t wrap my head around. It’s something I really don’t understand. I always feel like things have to be give and take, and I feel like lately I’ve been too broken to give, and therefor too broken to receive love. At least from humans.

I’m a born-again Christian, and I do believe with all my heart that Jesus died for my sins, and I can’t repay Him. That relationship can’t be give and take. All I can do is receive His gift. 

So why do I feel like humans aren’t capable of that sort of love? Well, it is agape love, and I’ve been told my whole life humans can’t agape love. The closest they get is storge, parental love. And the best most friends have is philos, brotherly love. 

How did I get so lucky to have TWO people in my life who love me with agape love??? My fiance and my maid of honor. I can’t even believe there’s a man willing to commit the rest of his life to me, much less not leave me by now for what an awful person I am. And my best friend??? I haven’t been there for her the way I should have been. I’m too self-centered and wrapped up in my own world.

Guys, I’m just not worth it. I wish you’d both stop letting me use you.

You both deserve more. You both deserve better. Someone reliable, someone to help you through problems, not someone who just takes and takes.

I guess the idea is someday I’ll stop taking. But what if I can’t? What if I stay broken forever?

What if you don’t want me anymore someday?

Just rip the band aid off now, leave me alone to wallow so I don’t drag you down with me. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m afraid that my broken pieces are sharp and will cut you. I’m in too many pieces, you can’t put me back together. 

And I know God can... He just hasn’t yet. Who can know His plan, His mind? What if he never fixes me? Who am I to demand of God? 

And in the mean time, I don’t want to see you bleed.

[kylatreblecleff]

VENT

just need to process a little... i work at a school and today a man tried to get in. Early in the morning he was asking about a job and when he was told no, he pulled on the doors a bit demanding one. Later, when other teachers showed up, the early teacher let us know. I had walked right by him on my way in. He gave off really creepy vibes. I didn’t feel safe at all. The students had to stay in their cars until the cops arrived and went to talk to him. When they did leave, they didnt get temperature checks like normal, they went straight inside. the principal was like calling for people to come in quickly, encouraging running. It just seemed really scary. Of course the students were confused. I know the other teachers have to teach reading and math and science, and those are really important. They really can’t afford to lose any of that time. So since I teach music, and i was by the door this morning reassuring them all as they came in, I offered to answer some of their questions. I didn’t give details, I just told them that there was a suspicious person around the neighborhood and we were being extra careful. They were sad they couldn’t go outside for recess. but they sorta understood. I thought I was helping them get through their school day by giving them a space to voice concerns and ask questions. I had some asking if the windows were strong, like bullet proof. They were nervous. I doubt they could have learned as well when those questions were left unanswered. and the middle school kids! some of them walk to and from school! so I wanted to warn them, it’s so important to not plug in headphones and just zone out, to stay aware of your surroundings. but the principal got upset with me. said it wasn’t my role. She then came into 6th grade and told them EVERYTHING including the man pulling on the doors. She asked for questions. they said no. then berated me when she left. I told them i couldnt talk to them about it more. and somehow we just went with class as normal, even though i was shaking most of the time. even now i should be doing work but im too nervous. i can’t even eat.

[harrypotterhousequotes]

SLYTHERIN: “Don’t be ashamed of the creative urges which drive you. And certainly don’t be ashamed of your ego. Hubris is only hubris when it fails. When hubris pays off, we call these people geniuses.” –Kieron Gillen

[kylatreblecleff]

I’m tired...

I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being worried about going outside alone, even in daylight. I am tired of not trusting my neighbors. I am tired of having no faith in humanity, and still having them fall short of my expectations. If you riot, you’re an animal. If you rape anyone, you’re an animal. If you set any building on fire, you’re an animal. If you trample someone, you’re an animal. If you attack anyone, especially an officer, you’re an animal. When an animal escapes from the zoo and attacks civilians, it gets put down. That’s right shot dead. Euthanized. Killed. Each and every one of you deserves that right now. You act like an animal, you should be treated like one. You destroy what is good. You destroy safety. When you kill and rape, you destroy families. When you loot a business, you destroy someone’s livelihood. You are garbage. You are not speaking up for black people. You are not doing anything for the memory of George Floyd. You are using a situation to act foolishly and recklessly. You have no control. Like an escaped tiger, you should be tranquilized and euthanized. You should not be allowed to behave this way. You should not be seen as any sort of hero. You are not helping racism but encouraging it. If black people are so often killed by cops, why don’t more of you become cops and put a stop to it? If you aren’t able to then work harder. Instead you attack innocent civilians. Every black person or minority who kills, rapes, assaults another person or their business, is living into the stereotype that black people are criminals and are dangerous. What you are doing spreads more hate and racism. Violence, riots, assault, will never EVER defeat racism, even when it comes from “black lives matter”.

You, black, Hispanic, white, whatever person, you rising above others expectations for you, you overcoming obstacles in your life and achieving greatness, THAT is how you fix racism. The true racists out there, the cops out there, they will point to these riots. They will point at YOU and call you the reason for their hate. You tried to kill cops. You ruined their business. You destroyed that little girls fathers livelihood and she couldn’t go to college because a black man threw a molotov cocktail through their window. She will grow up to resent black men. And it’s your fault. YOU decide what the world sees in a black man, a black woman. If you want to change the stereotype then CHANGE YOURSELF NOT THE SYSTEM. Nobody is denying anything from you. If they are, you can bring them into a court of law and I assure you, you’ll win if a racist really won’t give you that promotion. But hey, if he has records of you being late twice a week, your skin color isn’t the reason he skipped you buddy. You have to earn respect. Acting like an animal is going to lead you into death. So it’s your choice.

[kylatreblecleff]

So I get to hang out at my wonderful boyfriend’s house all day today! But it’s a weekday so he has work stuff to do. So I’m basically just hanging on his shoulder distracting him from work. Well not distracting I hope I really want to let him do what he needs to do as quickly as he needs. I’m going to do his exercises with him every half hour. Might go for a run later. We’ll see. He seems so cool when he’s focused it’s really crazy lol. Mostly writing this so I seem busy too. But I’m clearly not. I’m honestly fascinated by his work. I don’t understand tech stuff nearly at all. He’s really brilliant. I’m so blessed to be his <3 And super lucky that I can hangout all day today! After he finishes working we’ll take a bike ride. I hope I can keep up. It’s really hilly down here where he lives. I’m used to very very flat terrain... Ugh I hope I don’t embarrass myself. That would be awful. I’ve been running every day I should be able to keep up right? But the running made my knee swell so I hope that doesn’t get in my way. Hey if we can’t manage the biking and he can’t manage taking a run with me we can just snuggle and watch a movie or go to the basement to make out. <3 lol.

[kylatreblecleff]

its becoming more and more clear to me that my community is much smaller than i realized. I don’t really care that much for the people outside my circle. And my circle is less of a circle and more of random pinpricks all over the midwest and east. I wish i had my family, my circle, together right now. my real circle.

[kylatreblecleff]

This Covid 19 bullshit is making me SO frustrated. This is so clearly a (successful) attempt to tank the economy. Why? Because the left hates Trump so much they’ll fuck the entire country of hardworking tax paying (hell even the non-tax paying illegal) citizens just to get him out of office. NOBODY WANTS A FUCKING SOCIALIST UNITED STATES YOU DUMB FUCKS. We don’t want Bernie or Biden. No amount of panic and deception from you and the damn media is going to change that. But seriously? Was is worth this? Single parents can’t afford to feed their kids, watch their kids, or pay their rent. Landlords aren’t supposed to just take nothing while the government figures out how to beat Trump right? They have families and needs too. What about all the business owners who have to pay employees to stay home and do nothing? This nonsense has gone WAY past the line. Fuck you media for playing into the goddamn liberal agenda in a way that fucks every American. If you’re hoarding basic essentials, fuck you too. This virus is only slightly worse than the flu. It’s no where near as bad as other pandemics we’ve faced, yet this reaction... It has me hoping the idiots DO die from the virus. But then those numbers would really be staggering, there are so many idiots. We’ve put people out of work. We’ve put kids out of schools. We’ve put low-income or single parents in a horrible situation. And for what? Because we can’t fucking handle not having things our way. If you’re worried about corona, stay the fuck home. CHOOSE it. Don’t force it on everyone else. Why does everyone’s day to day life have to be turned so completely upside down for this??? It’s not worth all this panic.

[kylatreblecleff]

I have the most amazing boyfriend. So yesterday the school I work at closed because of covid19. I think it’s all bullshit to be perfectly honest, but the panic is destroying daily life. My anxiety is super high. So after the last day of school, I went to see my boyfriend. I let him know I was really emotional. You know what he did? He offered to drive up to see me (but I didn’t let him skip seeing his best friend) and instead I got to go with him to his friends house (they record a let’s play channel) and record with them again. During the entire evening he was super amazing. He was cuddly and he kissed my cheeks a lot. He was really amazing. Super loving and caring. In a way I never really thought someone could be. What really moved me was when we were driving to his friends house and he changed the radio to my favorite station (even though he hates country music). He didn’t do anything like... big yaknow? He didn’t go out and buy flowers or something like you see in the movies. He did all of the important little things. He made me feel so loved and special. He’s the best. I love him so so much. I’ve sorta talked about this before, but I felt like I had to be strong as a kid/adolescent/young adult. I was the oldest sibling, the oldest in the friend group. I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes or be weak. In college I think I broke? Like I finally had failures big enough that I couldn’t hide them or ignore them. I needed to actually deal with them. I don’t think I did a great job with that looking back. But because of this man, I feel like I can be weak when I need to be. He’s really strong and really calm and I respect him so much. But when he feels broken... when he needs to be weak... I honestly don’t know how to be strong with him. I overthink everything I say to him when I get the chance to support him. I don’t know how to act in ways that show him love and care like he does for me. I really wish I could love him better. All I wanna do is be the best girlfriend. But I have no idea how. He makes loving look so easy. I am so blessed.

[kylatreblecleff]

It’s been a really long time. I miss updating here. I miss updating in general. It’s been a really REALLY hard 2 years for me guys. and 2020 really is a huge turn around for me. I know a lot of people say that. but like it’s more true for me this year than it ever has been before. January feels long to me too but it felt like a whole new world opened up for me. During 2018 I went through my first break up. In the aftermath, I struggled A LOT with my self worth and image. I wasn’t good enough for my ex. He was better than I was. These were lies that ate me up inside for a long time. I definitely made some big mistakes. I have so many regrets. Part of me wishes 2019 never happened. But because it did happen, my life is changed. I feel more kindness and compassion towards those struggling with sin, and those wrestling with God in their hearts. I spent 2019 running away from God, beating myself up emotionally, trying with all my might to turn around and go back to Him. I felt Him calling me back home, felt Him COMING AFTER me, pursuing me while I was fleeing from Him. He loves me so much, and I knew it then and I know it now. I am so grateful that His love is everlasting and His provision is without measure. Near the end of 2019, I had opened up to some friends about my problems. I had a friend (maybe not the best influence) convince me that “if you’re going to meet with men, at least get on an app like hinge where the quality of men is a bit higher.” that day, we sat in my car and made an account. While I couldn’t find more than 2 photos of myself to upload, we decided to make my account live anyway. That meant I could be liked, but I couldn’t send any likes. While she is still showing me how to access my messages on the app, I get a notification. “___ has liked your answer!” Sure enough, a guy had liked my comment about watching gametheory on youtube. We started chatting. He seems really nice. his profile says he’s everything I’m looking for. All we need now is to meet and see if we vibe. less than a week later we set up a date. He’s so much taller than I expected and much more handsome irl. We go to an arcade, which was really fun as an alternative to just “meeting at a bar”. I was so nervous. I was positive he hated me, because he didn’t show his emotions on his face. But then he walked me to my car. We said goodnight. I smiled up at him. And he (ever so slowly and sweetly) kissed me. If I wasn’t into it, I knew I could back up. He didn’t hold me, I didn’t feel unsafe. I was nervous that my lips were a bit too dry, but he didn’t seem to mind. Turns out, that was his very first kiss. He told me later, “I just felt such a connection with you. I knew I wanted to see you again and I was willing to give you my first kiss even if I didn’t. Also you looked like you really wanted it.” Which is totally right I definitely wanted him to kiss me. I wanted confirmation that I wasn’t the only one feeling the sparks between us. But if I had known it was his first, I would have been terrified to take it. Because it was far from my first. A fact I told him on our second date. I admitted that I had had a really rough year. I had made some mistakes. I was honest with him, and I told him if he was no longer interested in pursuing something with me, then I understood. He considered it for a while in silence. I felt bad... like I had lead him astray, like I made him think I was something I wasn’t. but he finally said “No, I really want to keep seeing you. and see how this goes. I think I can look past your mistakes and forgive you, it just might take some time.” now if you’re a feminist you’re screaming. I am not a feminist. I told him I was apologizing and repenting of these mistakes. If he couldn’t forgive me for them then we couldn’t be together. He and I are on the exact same page. He has since forgiven me a lot. He is still jealous sometimes. But he also knows that I would give him everything I ever gave to someone else, and then some if it helped him trust me. And he has never asked. He has set all of our physical boundaries and has pursued godliness even when I said he didn’t have to. He is the most wonderful beautiful amazing man. And I am so so lucky to be with him. God brought him to me in the midst of my sin. In my rebellion. Since we began dating, I haven’t met with new strangers, I haven’t even considered it. He sat with me while I went through my phone and said goodbye to the people I had been investing my time in this past year. While letting go of good people who always cared about my well-being right from the start was so hard. I cried for a few of them. Some didn’t take it very well. I was yelled at a few times. But in the end, I finally felt FREE of my guilt and my shame. I am so glad I gave my boyfriend permission to ask me to get rid of these people in my life. He prayed over it and made the right decision. He is showing me how to love and value myself everyday, by loving me and valuing me every day. We are desperately in love and we can’t wait to get married. We both keep bringing it up accidentally, but we agreed it’s not really an if but a when. Not even a when because we want it to happen next summer, 2021. Maybe it’s super dangerous to just hand my heart over to this man right away. But things fell into place SO readily. There is no doubt in my heart that God brought us together perfectly at the right time. I am in the best relationship of my life. I hope and pray that it lasts forever.

[kylatreblecleff]

YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE

I have this friend and he struggles with anxiety and depression. We just met recently but we got really close our whole friend group did. The two I got closest to happen to both struggle with depression. The girl just went to a facility type place for treatment because she was feeling suicidal again. She's gone for the next 2 months. The guy friend left on a vacation for 2 weeks and said we might not see him anymore at all for the next 4 months because he's going to spend more time at the gym and he wants to stay focused. Guys my heart is breaking. They were my closest friends. And I'm not sure how I can manage without them. And I know I can't begrudge then for these decision they both need this. But I need them. So much. My heart is breaking. And I'm so scared that she is going to leave our church after her treatments to escape memories with people there, and that he is going to leave the church because of some judgment from different people. I don't want to be alone. They have no idea the impact they've made on me and I'm so SCARED to go through the next couple months alone. I do not struggle with depression. Or anxiety. Or anything else. But I love my friends. You might be depressed right now. You might think that happy friend of yours will be fine without you. Let me tell you they won't be. They need you too. All of us are broken, some more visibly than others, and we need each other so damn much. Please don't do anything rash. Please remember that you are impacting someone.

[kylatreblecleff]

ARTISTS

I got a new laptop and it’s a dell 2 in 1 that comes with a stylus. I’m hoping to start drawing on it and maybe uploading a comic? But what are some good apps for this? I don’t have money for anything fancy so what are some of the best options? I have the sketchbook app from the Microsoft store. It works alright but I’m having trouble getting my art to look as good as it does on paper.

[kylatreblecleff]

Oh yeah... Sorry guys. Meant to post. It's been stressful. Heavily considering ending the relationship right now. But I like him so much I really don't want to let him go. But we need to talk and he doesn't really listen to me at all. We are meeting Sunday night. It's kind of a last effort. Course he doesn't know that. He doesn't listen to me long enough to know. Thing is as much as he ignores me, I know he cares about me a ton. I know it for sure. He's just literally so dumb. He also thinks he just knows better than I do. On the other hand, in his defence, he has been working really hard and he and his mom are moving by the end of the month and he's been cleaning and packing nonstop. So he's honestly not focused enough right now to have these discussions. Sorry to cut this one short but I'm out with him right now. We are at a bowling alley with some friends and I should pretend to be social before we leave.

[kylatreblecleff]

So my boyfriend and I finally got to talk. A little. With the holiday weekend, we have been kinda busy. But we both went to our churches good Friday service, and he drove me so we focused our time on talking about "the important things". 2 chapters of that silly book stood out to me the most. One asking men "does she respect you and submit to your leadership?" And one asking women "do you feel loved and cherished?" There are reflection questions at the end, so we ran through those. First, I had already tried to answer his reflection questions, basically telling myself where I was being a good girlfriend and where I wasn't. His answers surprised me as there were places I thought I was doing well and he didn't think the same. Then we did the reverse, and he tried to answer all of my questions. There were a bunch where he thought he was doing much worse than he actually is. And one area in particular where he thought everything was fine but it's the opposite. It was good to at least touch base with him. And as much as the questions were serious we didn't get too uptight about it. We still laughed and just casually discussed things. It was so nice and so comfortable. He's really fantastic. I can't believe I am so blessed. And he was so cute dropping me off at home. My family was at a concert and he had to use the bathroom. He walked in and said "is no one home?" I said "no they went to the concert like I said before." And he said "oh. Well I'll just pee really quick and be out of here then." So he did and he quickly said goodnight and kissed me. Probably the most positive kiss we've shared in like 2 weeks. Long and calming and great. I'm still impatient to go faster, but I trust him and I'll take what he gives me. Oh but on a fun note, we went laser tagging on Thursday night. He shot and killed me this one time, then used me as a shield and ran us both into a guard tower saying he wanted to say something. He told me that he wanted to have a serious talk with me but that he really felt it would be better to save it for after Easter. I had assumed this and said well duh. He was not amused, and gave me a bit of a side eye glare but he was still watching out for enemies. So we are sitting there, crouching in a tower, with my vest lit up like the fourth of July, with him giving me a look... So I crossed something off my bucket list. I leaned over and said "As long as we're here..." And I grabbed his chin and kissed him. Then I went to respawn. 😆 I still want him to push me against a wall and kiss me during a game at some point but we'll see. He gets a bit too into the game to think about doing that sort of thing I think lol.

[kylatreblecleff]

It feels like I'm going crazy. My brother came home from "bible camp" with a book. It was called "Before You Save The Date: 21 questions to help you marry confidently". Maybe not the sort of book I should have read 3 times. But I did. And I took notes. I've been really giving into my doubts about how my boyfriend feels about me lately. It's stupid I know that he wouldn't be dating me if he didn't like me right? But I get scared that he's bored. That I'm not good enough or cool enough or interesting enough or kind enough. All the reasons I assumed no one would ever ask me out to begin with. And this stupid book of questions? It has me doubting if we are even a good match at all. Certain things I knew would be problematic. And other things we have already discussed. But some gave me a lot of doubt. Plus this is all crazy I'm talking about marriage with a man I basically just met! 4 months isn't enough to know a person especially when we've only been dating for 3. But he says he wants us to last. He wants us to have a future together. He is genuine about me. I know that. But he doesn't plan for a future together, he's just hoping for one. I want to make it happen. I think we are both extremes in this area, and I'm hoping we can eventually balance each other out so that we do a healthy amount of planning. But right now it's difficult to find the compromise. To make matters worse, I've been telling him all weekend that I want to sit down together and discuss some things that this book brought up. I asked if he was free Monday night and if I could come over and we could talk. He suggested instead that he come to my place and we hang out with my brother, since he's on spring break. Which I understood, they are friends, but I got really petty and jealous and wanted him all to myself. He knew something was up with me the whole evening and kept asking and eventually I just had to say "you really think I want to talk about it here? In front of everyone?" And a little while later he had convinced all of my siblings to leave the room and we had a quick 5 minute heart to heart. I apologized for reading the book and getting hyped up and anxious and over stressing but he interrupted me to tell me that everything I was doing, he did in his first relationship. He told me that when I read a book like that or and article similar to it on facebook, he feels like I'm not trusting him. Which i didn't know he felt. I feel bad for how much I've read on the subject now though. I want to trust him. But humans are fallible and I don't want to be made the fool. I wish we could just see our future and know exactly what we had to do to get there.