The distance Kyler kept between them hurt Matthew more than he was letting on by remaining in his spot; it made him want to selfishly close the distance and pull the other into a big hug. Instead, he gave him a small, sad smile and nod when the other thanked him for meeting him. His brows furrowed a bit when Kyler mentioned feeling he rushed him into something, the words only intensifying that lump in his throat, sad eyes watching him speak. The more he listened, the harder it felt to breathe; each word slowly sank itself in. Hearing what Kyler was feeling, then remembering his conversation with Nadia, it almost all felt very surreal for some reason. His eyes dropped to the ground as Kyler began mentioning Tony, feelings, and the kiss again; there was nothing that could currently cure the sadness he felt. “I’m sorry.” He softly spoke up, brows still knitted together, a soft, sad whimper emitted from his lips, “ I didn’t…” a shaky breath left his lungs, mustering up his courage to look up at Kyler again, “..I didn’t mean to make you jealous twice. I’m sorry. I’m…” he sighed, “..I’m not…” his voice trailed off for a moment, forcing himself to think for a second. In the seconds he took to gather a couple of thoughts from the right words, he kept his gaze on Kyler, hoping that looking at him would somehow make whatever was going on in his head easier. It wasn’t, he quickly learned, any easier than staring at the phone screen trying to decipher if they were breaking up or not. “I…I don’t know what to say.” He softly admitted, letting out a small breath, “I…I don’t want to say the wrong thing, and then I end up messing everything up. I appreciate that you’re giving me time to think, that you’re offering to wait, and that…I can’t begin to express how much that means to me.” He licked his lips, letting out another soft sigh, “I…I just…I just can’t bring myself to keep you waiting around for me, especially when you’ve already waited so long already. I sh-should probably…” his heart sank a bit as the next couple of words hit him before slipping past his lips, “…not call someone my husband if I am dating someone. Even if it’s just pretending, all for laughs, I still sh-shouldn’t do it. And…I think a part of me is confused about Tony because he was my f-first kiss, yes, but…I also can’t…deny that being around him m-makes me very happy. It’s a v-very unexpected f-friendship…” he swallowed back the invisible lump in his throat, clearing it a bit, “ I d-don’t want to lose you. It’s…I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Ky. I r-really can’t.” Swallowing another growing lump, Matthew took one brave step towards Kyler if only to show that he wasn’t trying to cower away, “I’m…I like you, Kyler. I like you so very much, but…I think I may also like Tony. N-no, he doesn’t know any of this.” He inhaled a sharp breath, exhaling it slowly, “I didn’t keep this from you either, by the way, I only discovered that after a conversation I had with a friend at the barbecue.” He paused, stomach turning at the question he knew he needed to ask, “What do you want to do? I’m still your boyfriend; I’m anything you want me to be. I promise all I want is to make this work, no matter how messy some truths get. I just want to be as open and honest with you as possible, something I hope you’ll be with me. I understand if we break up, I’d respect it, but know that I am willing to work on things. I don’t know what we have to do for it, but I’d do it.”
as he finished what he had to say, he let matt take the floor. as he spoke, kyler listened intently, although some words and sentences made his heartache. was this his fault for not coming to work early that one day everyone took a day trip to the hospital? was it his fault he didn’t spend time with matt during the blackout and the lock in during the snowstorm? around those times it seems as if tony and matt had hung out more and got closer themselves. it got kyler to thinking that maybe he lost his chance now that matt had realized he may also have feelings for tony. as matt continued, kyler kept his gaze on him as he moved his hands from his pockets, now to cross over his chest. in all honesty he was at a loss for words. he meant what he said, that he would be more than willing to wait for him if he needed time to think about what he wanted. at the same time, kyler didn’t want to stand in the way of matt’s happiness if tony made him as happy as he had put it. a soft exhale left his nostrils as he looked down when he was finished talking. “what do you mean what do i want to do? i don’t want to lose you if that’s what you mean.. but i can’t stomach the idea of you liking someone else, and then wondering what it would be like if you were with tony. maybe it’s also the fact that i’m also jealous because after you became fake ‘husbands’ it seems that you two got closer. it makes me feel like i lost my chance with you.. if i had gone to the day trip or whatever would you two have playfully become fake husbands? if i stayed by your side during the blackout would you and tony have snuck off to go to jesse’s office together.. i want you to do what makes you happy. if tony makes you happy--..” he paused and looked down shaking his head, “then who am i to stand in the way of your happiness..” his last words were choked out as he felt more hurt now. “what i want is you.. i want you to be my boyfriend. but i don’t want you to be my boyfriend if you’re going to have second thoughts along the rode about you and tony. yeah i’m officially jealous of tony because he’s making you happy.. like really happy from what you said..” he said softly and blinked back a few tears shaking his head again. “you know what i want, it’s more so what do you want. i’m not telling you to choose between me or tony, but more so what you want, and what makes you happy--- or ... who makes you happy.. if the ending result maybe me losing you.. then so be it, because i don’t want you to be with me if you’re feelings for tony continue to grow while we’re together. maybe i’m not making you happy,, or maybe i’m not making you tony’s happy at least if that makes sense.” he sniffled a bit and tilted his head back letting out a soft breath. “i’ve said my peace, now the balls in your court, what do you want?”