Loli-ass's tips for dating women
Time and time and time again I see my male friends getting into bad situations with women they’re dating or hoping to date. I understand that (especially on tumblr) a lot of guys are lonely and shy, and maybe struggle a bit socially. Which is totally okay! But I want to make this post to give some of you tips so that you can be happy and protect yourself instead of getting hurt. Some of these tips can also apply to fellow bi/gay/pan people who want to date fellow women as well!
1. Recognize that who you are is perfectly fine
This is less of an individual case-by-case issue, but it’s still important! A lot of boys are raised today being shunned for hobbies or behaviours simply because a woman might not like it! “Dont look like that” or “women don’t like guys who play video games all day”. Whoever you are is fine! You don’t have to adjust your hobbies, appearance, behaviours, or opinions to please women. If a woman treats you like you need to adjust to her likes or preferences, she is not the woman for you! Be wary of words like “train” “learn” and “normal person”. This includes women who may pressure you into dropping your hobbies or not talking about interests because it’s “not attractive”. If she were a good girlfriend, she’d try to find some interest in them as well, or at least respect that you like them. She may also threaten to leave if you if you don’t change- in which you should say to her “okay, leave!”.
(Please note, it’s perfectly fine to make small adjustments in a healthy relationship with both parties are cooperative. Say you tend to leave your socks on the floor and your girlfriend doesn’t like that. That’s fine! As long as she is also willing to change her own annoying habits (like, say she leaves makeup laying around and you’d like her to clean up) then you should both adjust to help each other out.)
2. Any woman who degrades you verbally is an abuser or one in the making
Any woman who will insult you out of rage is practicing verbal abuse. “You’re pathetic” “You’re a pussy” “you’re useless” “I could do better than you” “virgin”, things like this. This is a woman who is trying to lower your self esteem so that you won’t like yourself or be confident in yourself, so she can get the upper hand and abuse you. Leave a woman like this immediately and block them on all social media. This also includes insults about how you perform in bed.
(please note though that there is such thing as consensual degradation. If you and your partner consensually throw some words around as foreplay that is okay. Just make sure that the difference is clear, and be weary of women who say it’s a “kink thing” but may actually just be abusers trying to exploit you. I would say generally if your girlfriend is someone who doesn’t do anything else on this list- she’s probably not someone exploiting you.)
3. Don’t trust a woman who wants to know your passwords or look through your phones. Don’t trust a woman who won’t let you talk to, hang out with, or even like other girl’s photos.
This is an insecure woman. She’s already convinced you’re cheating and if you’re not- she’ll find some “evidence” to prove you are. She feels threatened by other woman (which is already a big, big no-no. ANY relationship where who you are allowed to contact is limited or monitored is an abusive one.
4. Beware of women looking for providers
This is a woman who will rarely pay for dates, or complain when she has to. She may pressure you into buying her things, or complain that you don’t. If you live together, she won’t be willing to help take care of the house, and won’t be willing to help pay bills. This is a woman who simply wants someone to take care of her- and she probably has no romantic feelings about you. She may like you sexually, but she certainly does not respect you as a person. She may also be distant, or flirt with other men. If your girlfriend does compare you to other men in her life, threatens to go out with them, “x buys me things, x takes me out all the time, i have more fun with x” dump her. She will cheat on you if she isn’t already, while exploiting you for money.
The ideal woman is a woman who will offer to pay for her half of dates without being asked to and who won’t ask you to buy you things or moan and groan about “oh i’d really like this i wish i could have it”. Look for women who work good jobs and are independent and pay their own bills- or if unemployed, at least doesn’t ask you for money. A woman who will turn DOWN you paying a bill or buying an item is also a good woman to look out for.
5. Be aware how a woman presents herself can be good insight into a lot of her living habits
Now, keep in mind no one ever always looks great. Sometimes people just feel cruddy and go out in sweats with unbrushed hair and that’s fine. But look for long lasting, repeating patterns. This type of observation can also apply to her personal belongings like bags, the actual appearance of even her lazy clothes, shoes, ect.
Someone who puts little effort into their appearance will also likely put little effort into their relationship. If they can’t find the time to make sure their shoes aren’t covered in dirt- you probably won’t be able to get them to wash the dishes. They’re a lazy person. If they wear extremely wash faded clothing, or have really damaged belongings, they probably don’t care for taking care of things around them (this is also bad, because it means they don’t value possessions, meaning they won’t value money. Anything you buy them will likely be ruined with no regard to the fact you spent hard earned money on it). It’s likely they’ll just as much abuse your belongings if given the chance, and will ruin them as well. Now if you’re just casually dating and looking for sex- this may not concern you. But if you’re looking for a long term relationship or marriage (ESPECIALLY RAISING CHILDREN) this is a massive red flag. Someone who doesn’t take care of themselves or their belongings will not take care of a house or a child.
6. If she talks shit about you to your friends or her friends, she is no good.
This is not a woman who respects you. This is a woman who is willing to degrade and embarrass you until she gets her way. It’s one thing to say “x did this and I didn’t really like it” but obsessive exaggerations, lying, or purposely telling things that really aren’t anyone elses business is not a good sign. If your girlfriend complains about you a lot what she’s actually doing is lowering her friends (and or your friends) respect for you by painting you as a “no good son of a bitch”. If she respected you- wouldn’t she want her/your friends to, too?
7. Any woman who cannot take responsibility for her actions is trouble
“A woman is always right” “never question a woman” are massive red flags. This is a woman who will never admit she’s wrong- even when she knows she is. This is a narcissist or one in the making. You will never get anywhere with her and you’ll be doomed to a future of fighting. Also be aware of women who immediately go on the defensive, or who cannot handle criticism.
This goes both ways of course. Being able to admit you’re wrong/responsible is a great treat for anyone to have- and I would suggest not dating if you’re unable to do that. Here is a good example:
Perhaps your girlfriend picked a fight over something small, and in the fight she realizes she’s wrong. She stops accusing you of things and says “Sorry, i was just stressed out. I was wrong to accuse you of this.” This is a woman who- though may make mistakes, can admit they were mistakes. This is fine and good, though you two should work on making sure that she doesn’t jump to fights like that on mistake often.
A woman who even though you’ve proven her wrong and she doesn’t argue that she was wrong, will not say “sorry, i was wrong”. If she won’t admit she was wrong, then she is not the one.
A woman who will try to play “it’s both our faults” so she doesn’t fully have to admit she’s the guilty one. NOW- of course it can be two peoples faults sometimes. That’s fine. But be weary of situations where it is 100% not your fault, and she still tries to pin some blame on you along with herself.
Also be weary of women who cry to try and trigger guilt. They’re trying to get you to stop accusing them of something. “If I cry, he’ll feel bad, and stop, and I’ll win”. If she cries, thats okay- as long as after, she can calmly talk about it and admit her responsibility in the situation. Crying to stop the argument so she can admit her mistakes and move on is fine- but crying to stop the argument so the topic is dropped is not.
Also of course the fake “yes its my fault im sorry are you happy” is not a real apology, so never accept that, either. Be weary of any apologies that come from frustration.
This also includes women who will pressure you into agreeing with them on topics, opinions, judgements, or validating one of her or her friend’s behaviours.
8. She puts her feelings in front of yours or trivializes your feelings
“I know it upset you but think about how it upset me too” “don’t be such a baby” “don’t be such a pussy” “grow up”
Now don’t get me wrong- there are all times in our lives when we do act like babies over little things and need to be told so. But beware of women who will invalidate your feeling if doing so benefits her. If she did or said something that upset you and she invalidates your feelings- it’s because she doesn’t want to be held responsible. She wants you to think that you feeling that way is your own fault and she had no play in it. If she wants you to focus on how she felt and ignore how you felt in a situation- it’s because she wants her wants and needs put first. It’s okay to consider both people’s feelings- but when you do that, you need to make sure you compromise and make adjustments that make BOTH people happy, not just her happy meanwhile you are forced to feel like you “overreacted”.
9. She uses sex to get her way
This woman ties closely to the “provider” woman. She will use her body to get you to do things for her, or to be quiet about her mistakes. She is immature and not able to have mature conversations, and I would suggest leaving her. I think this is fine in very minor arguments on either party’s side- but if an issue bothers you and she does this, it’s not okay. “We’ll have sex tonight if you do this for me”. You should not have to perform a task or barter for sex. You don’t have to earn sex though buying her things. This is a manipulative woman.
10. She is never thankful.
Right of the bat I will say- please share housework. It’s a great compromise and a good conversation to have, and together you’re working as a team which is good! But please be weary of this type of woman. She may say “Why dont you ever wash the dishes” “I always have to do everything”, similar complaints. Now- maybe you are lazy and need to fix that. But this behaviour is sketchy for two reasons.
1) she’s demanding something. nagging is not good.
2) If you do it and she doesn’t say thank you, she’s not greatful. She’s already believes that you “should’ve” been doing it.
You do not have to do anything. What we do or our partners is out of kindness. I don’t blame people who leave others for not helping out (infact, I encourage leaving), but we should be THANKFUL our partners do help. Anyone who feels entitled to that help and will just bitch and degrade and not thank you for helping, is not someone you want to be with.
11. The obvious- she is abusive.
BREAKING your property or hitting you is abuse. If your girlfriend hits you or breaks something of yours when she’s angry, LEAVE HER.
12. Lastly- have good judgment.
If she is immature and you find it hard to have conversations with her, just leave. If she throws “fits”, just leave. If she says things to you that make you feel bad about yourself, just leave. Those issues won’t get better.
The biggest keys to a relationship is respect, trust, and compromise. If you can’t get her to do those things, just leave. She’ll be nothing but trouble in the future.
If anyone else has any stories or ideas to add to the list, please let me know! Also if you are wondering if a behaviour is a red flag, please also let me know! I’ll do my best to help you from what i’ve seen/experience.
And please remember- no one is perfect. We all mess up sometimes. But if it’s a pattern- it’s bad. Being able to talk about issues in the relationship and compromise is important, but no person can be “fixed”. If an agreement can’t be reached, leave the relationship. Don’t let loneliness keep you with someone. It’s better to be single than with someone who will make your life difficult. Also yes- men also do these things. But this is a post for men (or other women) dating women, because there is not much help for men with abusive girlfriends.
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