I want to see the world burn @lady-eviil - Tumblr Blog

Forgive me for being emotional, but I need to get this out somewhere.

A month ago, I went to Quebec for the first time. But sadly, I was very shy. The main reason I went was to see someone I cared about so deeply. Someone I talked to everyday, who I truly felt I would have a connection with. I’ve known this human for at least 4 years. But then, I fucking ruined it. I was TOO shy, TOO quiet. I was always scared to say the wrong thing. I couldn’t understand what his friends were saying because I could barley speak french. It was an absolute disaster.

The first day I arrived there was probably the happiest I’ve been in years though. It was fucking magical, but then after that, my damn anxiety got the best of me and I killed the opportunity for something amazing.

I got home on Tuesday night.... And honestly I’ve been so fucked up over this. I haven’t felt unrequited love in YEARS. I forgot how much it hurt. He says to me “I need someone with more energy, not someone who’s more depressed than me”. The sad part is, he was the reason I got so depressed while I was there. Because I wasted so much time and money just to get my heart stomped on. I felt so uncomfortable. I was constantly insulted for being silent...but I can’t help that my mind is always racing. It made me realize how unstable I am, and how much relocating has effected my personality over the years. I was never like this, I was never this silent or shy. And now my mental health has not only ruined the only fucking thing I ever wanted but now I hate myself more than ever. I hate what I am. I hate my silence. I hate that I can’t properly express myself. Due to relocating from my home, I don’t have many friends out here. I’m always alone. After this fucking ordeal I feel even MORE alone. Feeling like this so close to Christmas is pure agony. This is fucking destroying me, especially since I don’t have him to vent to anymore.

I’m not opening myself up to anyone for a really long time. Not until I work on myself and find myself. This is some other level of depression I’ve never thought I would have to deal with. I need help. I can’t do this.

figured out my password I’m back hahahaha