I haven't made a long form post in a while. I've been re-reading my tumblr entries and omg I'm so depressing. even back then, I was still as sad and miserable as I always am. I always idolize my past self, my past versions, and I compare my situation, mental health, and appearance to back then. but when i reread, I realize that even back then I hated myself and everything around me. each time, I say that this time, it's the worst, even when I know it's not. being in contact with my ex again is like a night out. first, it's great, and you can't get enough of the people around you and the smells that enthrall you. then, after a while, you remember why you stay home. you overthink about what you said, you become tired. same old habits that you hate yourself for. i wanted to speak again to him so badly. but now, I remember why we stopped speaking. I can't help but obsess over him. he's literally an addiction, in the most literal sense. when I don't have him, I sob and beg for him to come back, knowing he's no good. when he is there, continuous damage is done to me, but I can never seem to leave. I've grown to resent those girls that say that they can "just leave" and that it's not "that hard", because they couldn't, and it isn't. they've never lived through it, and I can tell by the way they speak about love. they talk about it like a transaction, something that they can just get rid of. love isn't like that. love hurts and burns, but it feels so good. I don't think ill ever be happy in a healthy relationship. I don't think I'm wired like that. without toxicity, what's left? it's just too simple, and love isn't simple. I think he's in love with her. it deeply saddens me. it's not a matter of beauty. I am not ugly, let's that straight. if anything, I am prettier. I'm not trying to be cocky, I just wear hairstyles, makeup and I'm more traditionally feminine. if anything, we're incredibly similar. it actually disturbs me. we weirdly look and act alike. maybe he wants her, because she's like me, but better. she has freedom, isn't jealous nor possessive, and endures. to be fair, I endure aswell, but she's better. it's horrible, yet I can't hate him. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with him. he doesn't complim
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