In a world, where everything we do is at fault. Everything we do is wrong. Or will be frowned and looked down upon. How can anyone do right?
When you knowingly are doing absolutely nothing wrong, but are being told otherwise,
how do you react?
When you are constantly being undermined by authorities, friends, family, a lover.. how do you pick yourself up?
How do you brush it all off and stay seemingly unoffended, unscathed, untroubled?
How do you remain or even pretend to remain cool, calm and collected?
How does one constrain their heart and block out love?
How does one act in perfect unison with the blinded world? How do you let pain dilute within you??
How do you pick up and recover from the loss of self-esteem, from deteriorating, from being and feeling hopeless, worthless?
How do you push yourself to achieve, to persevere, to pierce, to live?
How do you survive?
Does it make sense that you suffer, always and never feel happiness?
Does it make sense that a person can love and not be loved in return?
Is it fair that you cannot chose fully, and completely?
That you cannot tell yourself to stop feeling pain when being ridiculed and mocked?
That you cannot tell yourself who and who not to care for?
That feelings are involved and that they take over some of us?
Is it fair that even though we know what is right and logical, that our feelings interfere and we cannot, even knowing the right path, take it..
My feelings take over who I am.
My feelings make me weak.
My feelings pain me more than it should.
What I feel takes over the intelligence my brain possesses.
My feelings will be what kills.
I try to rid myself of the pain that are caused by feeling too much, but to rid myself, I take all the wrong paths.
I drink to have fun and forget.
I take drugs to eliminate any thoughts of reality.
I sleep too much so I can live in dreams, that I can control and be happy.
I cut to take the emotional pain and produce a physical one instead.
The physical pain releases me from the emotions I do not want to feel.
The adrenaline of seeing my blood leaking is seeing my pain drip away.
These, however are all temporary solutions to my problems.
I cannot find a permanent soluuon.
I can ask for help from certain people that will happily assist me, but I do not want to bother them.
Others I cannot ask help from because they donât believe I need it, which makes me feel even lower. It makes me feel lower because I know I need help and they see me as a stronger person which I am not.
There are some I am afraid of talking to although they would probably understand, but those who understand are the ones who are going through similar paths in their life..
They are trying to help themselves or need to, they have their own problems to tend to. I will not be that selfish.
So my conclusion is this.
I will always be messed up.
If one day I do take that step toward achieving status, money, and the rest..
Itâll be because I stopped caring.
Itâll be because I stopped loving.
Itâll be because I started to let go of everything that I feel matters..
I donât want to be that person but feel I might have to.
I have started.
I have started closing myself off to people.
I have started to not let others know how I feel.
I have stopped talking about my pain.
I am letting go of hope.
Another pawn on the chessboard.
Another blinded idiot following societies demands.
That is what I will become and I am looking forward to being regular.
Because I will never be accepted of loved, being broken the way I am.
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